Domestic Adjustments after ER

[Nords]

I wonder if there are retired women  with working husbands who are on the board? If so, it would interesting if they would weigh in.

Spouse left active duty for the Reserves 15 months before I retired.

The day after she "came home", the state's school teachers went out on strike for three weeks. I took a few days of leave, we neighbors formed a hui to homeschool the kids, and spouse & I fell into what seems a lot like 1950s Ozzie & Harriett roles.

After the teachers & kids went back to school she spent most of the next three months recovering & decompressing. A lot of TV was caught up on, a lot of books were read, a lot of naps were taken, and she started a couple home-improvement projects. She kept up with her chores but we didn't renegoiate. She listened politely to my sea stories and she didn't torment me too much about "what she did all day". We kept the housecleaner and the rest of the domestic routine so she didn't pick up any extra responsibilities that she didn't already have.

After six months she had opportunities to get more active in the Reserves and she started working a couple weeks a month.

There weren't any upheavals during that period, and she didn't adapt her routine to support me any more than I changed mine to support her. There were no cabin boys or pool girls. Our marriage has always been more about teamwork, and the load stayed pretty equally balanced.

Same thing today. If she's on travel or working PACOM shifts then I might pick up an extra chore or fix a few extra meals, but otherwise the load stays pretty even. When she's back home then I know I'll be able to catch up on my surfing!

 

[astromeria]

I'm retired, and DH is still working--not year 'round though, and not long days. He still does his share of domestic tasks, but that is largely due to our relative talents, skills, personalities, energy, back health, and family traditions. In most things I'm the planner, and he's the implementer. So I do the investing and learning about personal finances--he pays the bills. I decide what needs to be dry cleaned and gather it up--he drops it off on his way to school. I decide where our next trip will be and what we'll do there (trust me, he ain't interested in figuring this out!)--and he'll go online and get the plane tickets.

I would probably have an anxiety attack if I had to make a chart of the aisles of a grocery store I do make grocery lists--but only for him. I hate looking at a list when I go shopping. When I shop, I visualize making the food, so I don't usually forget anything.

 

[Martha]

Astro, who does the day to day household chores? Do you do the cooking? Cleaning?

 

[Sheryl]

Why does doing a fair share of keeping the household running translate to "serving the wife?"



I thought most of us got past that tedious stereotype 40 years ago.

 

[Nords]

I thought most of us got past that tedious stereotype 40 years ago.

Maybe the stereotype is declining, but guys have managed to get away with not picking up their share of the load.

I think it's a bluff over the gross-out factor. Our daughter can go far longer without cleaning her bathroom than either of us parents could possibly endure.

 

[haha]

Why does doing a fair share of keeping the household running translate to "serving the wife?"  



I thought most of us got past that tedious stereotype 40 years ago.

Just re-read, including the posts from women. For the most part, we are not talking about fair share of anything, unless you have the viewpoint that all household maintenance, car repair, cooking and cleaning, errand running, etc., etc., should be done by the (male) homebody. Been pretty hard for working men to get that kind of service from their stay a home wives for about 35 years now.

How about the guy who didn’t want to get up early with his wife, so she divorced him? Hello?? I know construction workers who get up very early, alone, and are not talking about divorce.

Sorry to be non- PC. But rock smashes scissors, and accuracy trumps politics.

Ha

 

[BOBOT]

Sheesh, didn't know I would rile up so many folks. Just looking for insight into easing into the transition; the earlier replies were on the mark.

As it is, we already have a pretty equitable arrangement: I do my own laundry, she doesn't WANT me to do hers (wonder why?), we both do cleaning 'tho she does more, cooking & dishes & marketing about equal, I do most of the financial stuff (keep her informed) & outside stuff. We each have things we do & don't mind doing that are ok with the other. All in all a good deal, & while I will no doubt pick up a greater share after RE, we have an agreement that I'll only obligated to do one useful thing a day re: domestic stuff (in addition to the dishes!). And special projects we're planning, like an addition, etc.

So it won't be the "cabin boy" thing, but lookin' out for the breadwinner & maintaining domestic tranquility.

 

[brewer12345]

Sheesh, didn't know I would rile up so many folks. Just looking for insight into easing into the transition; the earlier replies were on the mark.

As it is, we already have a pretty equitable arrangement: I do my own laundry, she doesn't WANT me to do hers (wonder why?), we both do cleaning  'tho she does more, cooking & dishes & marketing about equal, I do most of the financial stuff (keep her informed) & outside stuff. We each have things we do & don't mind doing that are ok with the other. All in all a good deal, & while I will no doubt pick up a greater share after RE,  we have an agreement that I'll only obligated to do one useful thing a day re: domestic stuff (in addition to the dishes!). And special projects we're planning, like an addition, etc.

So it won't be the "cabin boy" thing, but lookin' out for the breadwinner & maintaining domestic tranquility.

Bobot, I think that if you have a healthy marriage and are willing to communicate and work together during the transition, it is unlikely to be a problem.

 

[haha]

Bobot, I think that if you have a healthy marriage and are willing to communicate and work together during the transition, it is unlikely to be a problem.

I think my Cabin Boy quip was an example of fast mouth, less fast brain.

Apologies to anyone who was offended rather than entertained by it.

Ha

 

[Billy]

Brat

A contented household yields many dividends. A home with discontent is expensive.

Nords

Our marriage has always been more about teamwork, and the load stayed pretty equally balanced.

I heartily agree with both of these comments... Billy and I have always had the 'duties' we shared and the areas where each of us excell. I could not look at anything electrical and expect to know what I am doing. Same thing with plumbing. However, I will be the first to go on the roof to slather that next protective coating and (call me weird) but I love doing laundry.

I do data entry and Billy does analysis. I love food shopping, and B does an excellent job of Chef-ing. I make sure the house has supplies, he makes sure it runs...

Full-on partnership.

Akaisha
Author, The Adventurer's Guide to Early Retirement

 

[astromeria]

Don't worry, Ha--I was entertained--and so was DH

We've always split domestic duties in a rather communistic fashion: to each according to his need, from each according to his ability When my health declined, I did less. I do most of the daily things, but he still does a lot, such as most of the grocery shopping (none of the meal planning though, so I need to tell him what to get) and the heavier cleaning tasks. I usually do the laundry, but he does the bedding--hard for me to strip the bed or remake it. He always makes breakfast- and sometimes makes lunch or dinner, or part of it, such as the salad dressing. He takes care of most of the dirty dishes & pots--he's better at it. But I'm better at cleaning the counters, appliances, and floor.

In general, I figure out what needs to be done, and if I can't do it or hate doing it or he loves it, he does it. He loves tinkering, adores plumbing and electrical problems, never needs reminding to change the clocks or gas up the cars. He's calmer in a crisis, better at dealing with strangers, and less distressed by detail-oriented things like paying bills. I prefer to putter, shine, analyze, research, imagine the possibilities, and dither plan, he likes to solve problems and get his hands dirty. But to be honest, neither of us is detail-oriented enough to run a household, and we could use a wife :

 

[youbet]

He loves tinkering, adores plumbing and electrical problems, he likes to solve problems and get his hands dirty.

Hee hee.......  This reminded me of a little misunderstanding DW and I had 30+ years ago.  Until recently, I always maintained our cars to the extent of my equipment and capabilities.  I didn't really like it but it was one way to save a few bux while we were in the accumulation phase. 

I was out in our carport one winter day putting a new muffler on our 1970 VW Beetle, which isn't an easy car to put a new muffler on!  It was cold.  I was stiff and aching from laying on the cold cement.  I had smashed my knuckles several times when the breaker bar slippped off frozen nuts/bolts and blood was flowing freely.  In short, I was miserable!  I decided to go inside for a cup of hot coffee and warm up a little.  And there was DW, busy ironing while watching TV.  And she said........get this........."Damn!  You're still out there tinkering with your hobby while I'm busting my butt here in the house!"

I'm a calm, introverted, quiet fellow.  I didn't say a thing.  But I did note that if I'm doing it, it's a hobby, if she's doing it, it's a chore!   

We've been married 36 years, have great kids and grandkids, are happily FIRE'd and I've never regretted the day I kept my mouth shut, went back out and finished the muffler install.  Dozens Hundreds Thousands of subsequent family events since that day have aggregated into a great life despite a few minor "misunderstandings."

Bobot, you and DW will do just fine. 

 

[BOBOT]

Bobot, you and DW will do just fine.

I think so too. Thanks to all.

 

[bbuzzard]

But I did note that if I'm doing it, it's a hobby, if she's doing it, it's a chore!

My wife occasionally has this misaprehension when I am forced to take my son kayaking, backpacking or to the gun range. Despite the effort, I am willing to do these things so my son can become a man in the world. Unfortuntely, she seems to not understand tha sacrafice I make to do these difficult task.

 

[Nords]

My wife occasionally has this misaprehension when I am forced to take my son kayaking, backpacking or to the gun range. Despite the effort, I am willing to do these things so my son can become a man in the world. Unfortuntely, she seems to not understand tha sacrafice I make to do these difficult task.

My daughter has the same problem with surfing, tae kwon do, camping, and paintball...

 

[audreyh1]

Before I retired, my husband had his own consulting business that he ran out of the house. After a few years as we were saving plenty of money and our investments were doing very well, indicating we were approaching FI, he scaled back his business significantly.

This increased both our quality of lives tremendously. He was much less stressed and that lower stress spilled over to me.

He took on several household chores such as paying bills, taking care research for purchases, several much needed house maintenance projects, pet care - really anything that was time consuming or required someone to be at the house.

It made everything so much easier for me. I had a high-stress job and not having to plan or schedule stuff for home made such a huge difference.

Audrey

 

[kz]

I retired in 1993 at age 39 and hubby retired in early 2005 at age 53. (we're currently 51 and 55)

While he was still working I did the vast majority of household chores including yardwork, shoveling snow, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying,etc. I got up every morning with him and made him breakfast and packed his lunch. He did the fix-it projects around the house (except plumbing/electricity) and changed the oil on the cars. My personal opinion was that I should try to match his hrs at work with hrs spent taking care of the home. I didn't need that many hrs to accomplish that and thus had extra time on my hands for hobbies and time with friends.

Since his retirement (he chooses to work part-time at 13 hrs/week) we do the cleaning and yardwork together. He is much better at cleaning while I do the better job on the yardwork. I do the laundry, cooking, and bill-paying while he still does the fix-it projects along with the car stuff. We're both quite outdoorsy so we spend a considerable amount of time walking, hiking, cutting firewood, snowshoeing....anything that gets and keeps us outside.

 

[Ibid]

Somewhat related...

Some statements that my wife has shared with me that she has heard from some of her friends whose husbands have recently retired ...

1.  Your husband will constantly be in your way and you'll wish he was back at work.

2.  Your husband will be totally board within weeks and wish he was back at work.

I just don't get it!

My dad retired early and mom lasted three whole days before she went out and got the very first job of her entire life. Sixteen years later, she now has three part-time jobs and is more relaxed than I've ever seen her. Dad learned how to operate the microwave and vacuum cleaner...

 

[Outtahere]

Dh has been semi retired for 20 years now, has a seasonal job that brings in his money to play. At first he would get a little aggravated when I would ask him to do something that would require me to take a day off. Now he does all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and all tasks that can't be done on weekends. We still have those moments when I'll tell him the dog has a vet appt and he'll grumble, my comment is always "okay I can take a day off but that's one less vacation day in FL"... that usually puts him in a better frame mind about what ever task I'm asking of him.

The only thing he doesn't do is laundry, I don't mind doing it and it's safer if he doesn't .

 

[shiny]

I quit years before DH (he's got less than 6 months to go!) and I do pretty much everything. His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him. I don't necessarily feel like a "cabin girl" but I sure don't have an incentive to get a bigger place to live.

Which brings up the other side of the "domestic adjustments" coin: I'm more worried about how things will be when we are both home. We get along great, but sometimes I worry that not having much time apart we'll get on each other's nerves.

 

[Nords]

His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him.

Would a water conditioner/demineralizer help the situation? It works wonders with our lime/calcium-filled water.

 

[haha]

I quit years before DH (he's got less than 6 months to go!) and I do pretty much everything.  His one job (in addition to his w*rk) is to scrub the tub and I have to put up with a dirty tub most of the time in order not to nag him.

I have a plan for you Shiny. 

Next time hubby gets all amorous, tell him you would love too, in fact you're practically going out of your mind with desire, but since you haven’t been able to find bathroom conditions that allow you to feel clean and refreshed, you would be just too embarrassed to get naked with him.

If he is like most of us, henceforth you will be able to use the tub as a mirror..

Ha

 

[TromboneAl]

Easier: Just say "Hey, let's make love in the tub -- is it clean?"

 

[Martha]

Easier: Just say "Hey, let's make love in the tub -- is it clean?"

And my husband would say: "why clean it, it's going to get dirty anyway"

 

[greg]

And my husband would say: "why clean it, it's going to get dirty anyway"

Mr. Bubble: makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.