DW will not work

[daylatedollarshort]

Shout out! SJSU grad here, Class of '88.

In reality, I think if you are looking at a *terminal* four year program a degree from San Jose State (and hundreds of other institutions) is as solid as those with a top-tier rep. In the "top tier" schools, the most esteemed faculty are teaching grad students and/or doing research and have little contact with undergrads in many cases. In those schools undergrads are likely to be taught by grad students or adjunct faculty rather than full-time tenured PhD professors.

Granted, if you want to go to a top grad school, or for post-graduate studies in a professional field like medicine or law, or if you want to be employed in a place where you need a professional or post-baccalaureate degree -- "pedigree" matters a lot -- even if the underlying undergrad education may not be all that superior. THAT is where the snob appeal of "the right school" really matters.

+1. If your kid wants to be a Supreme Court Justice, San Jose State might not be the best path. And even with some tech companies, a name school matters, though Berkeley and UCLA are usually ranked pretty high on most best college lists and both are public schools. Community college transfers make up 20% of the undergrads at Berkeley.

 

[haha]

+1. And even with some tech companies, a name school matters, though Berkeley and UCLA are usually ranked pretty high on most best college lists and both are public schools.

Also very difficult to get into.

Ha

 

[aaronc879]

44 replies to the newbie OP who appears to have disappeared.

I think it's a little early to say he "disappeared". He may have been at work all day and have a job that requires him to actually work. He may not be able to read and respond until later tonight. Back when I was working full time I had at least 13 hours every day that I didn't have any access to internet.

 

[REWahoo]

I think it's a little early to say he "disappeared". He may have been at work all day and have a job that requires him to actually work.

More likely his DW knocked him upside the head with a rolling pin and he's still unconscious.

 

[aaronc879]

More likely his DW knocked him upside the head with a rolling pin and he's still unconscious.

Also a possibility.

 

[Meadbh]

More likely his DW knocked him upside the head with a rolling pin and he's still unconscious.

 

[irishgal]

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not 100% about money or who is working vs who is not.

I would recommend a very open discussion with your wife about all the aspects of your marriage from her point of view and yours.

My guess is that there are a number of struggles going on and they are surfacing with the "won't work" issue.

I could be wrong though.

Either way I wish you luck. It sounds like a painful situation.


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[NW-Bound]

As the OP has abandoned his thread, this has become no man's land. Everything goes, right?

Next up, some recipes, plus some Polish folk music.

+1. If your kid wants to be a Supreme Court Justice, San Jose State might not be the best path. And even with some tech companies, a name school matters, though Berkeley and UCLA are usually ranked pretty high on most best college lists and both are public schools. Community college transfers make up 20% of the undergrads at Berkeley.

Also very difficult to get into.

Ha

I am not up-to-date on the situation and not even a resident of CA, but I read a while back about a local student not getting admitted to any higher-tier school despite having a 4.0GPA and a good SAT score. The article blamed it on the schools reserving some slots to admit foreign students, particularly from China, who paid full-fare tuition and fees.

 

[rodi]

NWbound - it is definitely much harder to get into a UC school these days. Most of my neighbor's kids and kids' friends "plan" to go to UCSD since it is just a few miles away. They're finding out it's not as easy as when my generation applied to college. For example - I was a B+ average student with very high SAT scores. I was accepted to UC Berkeley. No way I could get in these days... at least not into one of the more sought after degree programs.

A friend's son applied to UCSD last year - straight A's, AP classes out the wazoo (so a GPA much higher than 4.0 because the AP classes are weighted), and a near perfect SAT. He also did volunteer work and played in the HS Band. He did the bio-tech program at the local high school... All things that should ensure he made it in. He applied pre-med and didn't get in. He's going to one of the other UC schools (UCSF IIRC). The number of foreign students is over 30%. They all pay full out of state tuition plus an extra fee for being from another country.

You could argue that they are taking the "spots" from the local kids - but truthfully, for the competitive majors at the top schools the best and brightest from other countries are going to beat out the "above average" kids. The best and brightest local kids still make it in. College has gotten more competitive at the UC schools in the sought after majors.

 

[ziggy29]

You could argue that they are taking the "spots" from the local kids - but truthfully, for the competitive majors at the top schools the best and brightest from other countries are going to beat out the "above average" kids. The best and brightest local kids still make it in. College has gotten more competitive at the UC schools in the sought after majors.

I'm going to call it what it essentially is: college admissions have become an "arms race". It doesn't matter how good you are, if others are perceived to be better, you have to do something, *anything*, to find a way to one-up them. And so it is with ambitious kids (or more often, kids of ambitious parents) today -- 3.9 isn't good enough -- heck, 4.5 isn't good enough where advanced placement and honors courses give you an extra grade point for a C or better. Oh, and there are the loads of required structured extracurriculars and the community service -- gotta look better than Jimmy or Susie across town! -- and kids bound for the "best" colleges seem a lot more robbed of a fun, carefree childhood than my generation or my parents' generation did....

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Also very difficult to get into.

Ha

I was just referring to cost if your child wants a highly ranked school for a career in big law or a Nobel prize type path or whatever. Are higher cost private top tier schools any easier to get into? Berkeley and UCLA do not have guaranteed transfer agreements from the community colleges here, but I think most of the Cal State and UCs do have transfer agreements, and 20% of Berkeley's undergrads are community college transfers.

A young man who worked part-time at our car repair place went to the local junior college then transferred to and graduated from Berkeley. I think he might have lived at home the whole time and he obviously worked part-time, so I doubt his parents were out too much money for his education.

 

[haha]

DW won't work

This thread reminds me of the bird hunters lament "that dog don't hunt".

 

[audreyh1]

This thread follows a pattern of new members registering and describing a controversial situation as their first (and sometimes only) post. OP hasn't been back on the forum since posting last night. Too soon to tell, but quite possibly a troll.

Yeah - I'm very uncomfortable providing advice to someone I don't "know" on a forum - i.e. haven't seen many posts before.

People here are very generous with their advice and out a lot of time into their answers.

 

[ESRwannabe]

My parents used to argue about this kind of situation as far back as I can remember. It was never a huge blow up issue, just a constant source of tension. My mom never did go to work and my dad is retired now.

To be blunt about it my mom was lazy. I remember how she used to hate doing domestic chores, like cooking meals. She wanted to spend her time on her hobbies and did so. My dad was also pretty aloof, spending most of his time working on his hobbies when he was home.

There was never much emotion or togetherness growing up. Pretty much a house of loners off doing their own thing.

I'm very much like my parents. I'm a loner that likes to spend time on my own hobbies and I have as much if not more laziness as my mom. I've purposely avoided getting married. I'm pretty sure if I had gotten married I'd be divorced.

As far as working goes its usually a tedious annoyance or worse. I'd like to be done with it as soon as possible. I surely would not be happy supporting someone in permanent retirement while I still had to put up with the BS.

 

[HFWR]

More likely his DW knocked him upside the head with a rolling pin and he's still unconscious.

+1

 

[NW-Bound]

Thanks for the posts elucidating the difficulties youngsters nowadays face in getting college admission.

As the OP has abandoned his thread, this has become no man's land. Everything goes, right?

Next up, some recipes, plus some Polish folk music.

As I promised (threatened?), here's some Polish music while we wait for the return of the OP. I was looking for my favorite recipe for Italian meatballs, but I seem to have misplaced it.

 

[Meadbh]

Here's a fishy recipe:

 

[ponyboy]

OP sorry to hear about your situation. It shouldnt come as a shock though. 19 years is a long time to mold into a certain role. Hard to break that.

I dont have much wisdom to share other than the fact that you may just want to let it go. Unless shes on spending sprees and draining your accounts...it is what it is.

Also...can we please drop the SAHM term after a child is in school for a full day? At this point you're a housewife.

 

[Meadbh]

What does this mean? A SAHM supplements an equivalent $113,000 salary?

What it means is that if you added up the cost of hiring people to do all the jobs that a SAHM does, it would cost you $113K a year.

 

[Mulligan]

What it means is that if you added up the cost of hiring people to do all the jobs that a SAHM does, it would cost you $113K a year.

Except most people do it themselves and work....Hard to justify paying people $113k just so they can go to work and earn 50k...


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[ponyboy]

What it means is that if you added up the cost of hiring people to do all the jobs that a SAHM does, it would cost you $113K a year.

lol...yeah I found the article(s). Moving on before I say something ill regret.

 

[Brat]

My take is that if a spouse can't/won't add to the family cash pile time to work on the spending end. Tell the kids that a review of your family resources means ... they may need to work to pay for sports fees, expect to have college loans. No more expensive vacations. Maybe even sit down with the wife and review your financial situation, including retirement looking forward.

 

[neihn]

Basically you can't control people, and you can't make a spouse do what you want them to do. All you can do is let her know what you are thinking. If that doesn't change her mind, then you only have the choice of staying with her or leaving her. You can't make her do what you want her to do. Fact of life.

+1

 

[Meadbh]

My take is that if a spouse can't/won't add to the family cash pile time to work on the spending end. Tell the kids that a review of your family resources means ... they may need to work to pay for sports fees, expect to have college loans. No more expensive vacations. Maybe even sit down with the wife and review your financial situation, including retirement looking forward.

+1
Time to sit down together and do a family budget. That will identify the options. Choices have consequences.

The word "family" is in bold for a reason.

 

[cyber888]

Unless OP divorces DW or cuts of her financially, there's nothing he can do about it.