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Old 09-12-2016, 09:03 PM   #21
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I haven't lived within 500 miles of my family since 1977. I'm pretty sure they don't miss me.
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Old 09-12-2016, 09:05 PM   #22
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I haven't lived within 500 miles of my family since 1977. I'm pretty sure they don't miss me.
HA! Same here back to 1976. I didn't miss them and the feeling was mutual
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Old 09-12-2016, 10:56 PM   #23
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We moved 1200 miles away just to get away. Mind you our families were dysfunctional(bipolar and I guess some sort of control and manipulation issues) so it made a lot of sense to 21 yo married couple. Best thing we ever did!

You're doing it right, you know it's their choice. I watched a family member attempt to control another with obligation and shame, it ended poorly.
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Old 09-12-2016, 11:36 PM   #24
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So I'll be the weird person in this thread. I have a big, fat, African American family. My dad was the youngest of 13, I have about 26 first cousins and since I grew up on the same block as my mom's 3 sisters (house number 41, 45, 47 and 49) I have 4 cousins who I consider darn near my siblings.

While we have moved to different states, rarely does a month go by where I don't see a cousin and never does a week go by that I don't speak with someone.

We just celebrate my aunt's 100th birthday. 137 people in Disney world. Earlier this summer a bunch of the cousins got together and went to the Capital Jazz festival in DC.

at times yes it's a pain in the backside, and of course we have the idiot that can't get his act together, I unfortunately have 1 sibling that destroyed his life through addiction but for the most part it is absolutely wonderful. My oldest son is currently in Knoxville for 4 weeks, it took all of 10 seconds to call a cousin to get him set up.


When I was a young stay at home mom, our house was heavily damaged in a fire (we lived in a row of townhomes and end unit caught fire). before our home owners insurance could finish the claim, my family had us in an apartment, fully furnished and a couple of grand in our pocket thanks to the SOS my aunt sent out to her church.

Now that my generation are the "elders" we keep it going for the "youngins". nieces and nephews get money to get them through college, babies are set up and all SOS calls bring in the Calvary

So Op, I definitely could not move far away from my family.
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Old 09-13-2016, 04:00 AM   #25
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I have lived close to family and far away depending on jobs. Then when my kids were adults I moved to the West Coast for a job. They all followed but now only one son lives here. I visit the other 2. You never know where live will take any of them. A good friend lost her daughter at 19 to a rare illness that came on suddenly so as Helena said just enjoy your kids.
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Old 09-13-2016, 06:48 AM   #26
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Wow - lots of interesting stories. Good to hear similar situations. I know with today's generation, much more mobility so never really know where things will go. So don't plan your life around it.

Not using kids as a social outlet. It's more that we worked so hard to be FIRE and in a position to give them help (time, not money I am speaking to) that will miss not having the full opportunity. We're both active in volunteer efforts so it's been enjoyable giving back, just was hoping we could do that too for the kids (e.g., baby sitting, day care,... those little things that parents much need).
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Old 09-13-2016, 07:18 AM   #27
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We have a LOT of friends here in the greater Houston area that are retired and moved here because their kids/grandkids are here and likely aren't going anywhere. I rarely go a week without meeting someone and asking why moved here (after all, almost no one is a Houston native) and they respond "the kids". I will add that some are not that happy, as they are letting themselves be taken advantage of and are full time baby sitters in the Summers.

On the other hand, my Midwestern in-laws refused to move, even though all the kids were in Texas.

You do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.
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Old 09-13-2016, 07:52 AM   #28
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Things change. My 5 siblings and I were raised in Ohio but 30+ years ago Mom and Dad moved to Myrtle Beach. We were all out of college by then and one brother had settled in Charlotte. Now I'm the only holdout; I was in NJ when they moved and then moved to the KC area for my job in 2003. My only son and his family are 3 hours from here so I have no plans to migrate to the Carolinas.


Despite all the shifting around, my parents have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren. DS and I came from NJ at least twice a year, which helped. I may eventually find a retirement community nearer to DS, but I'm "only" 63 and have a wide network where I live now, so that may be awhile.
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Old 09-13-2016, 09:54 AM   #29
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When DH and I began our life together, we were far from family. My MIL commented often that I had a duty to stay close to family so she could enjoy her grandchildren. We did, at one point, live a couple hours away and I can count on one hand the times they came to visit. Those occasions were drive-byes en-route to other family. When we moved across the country three years later, they made a point of coming 2-3 times a year and staying for at least 3 days. Much more meaningful visits with lots of photos of them and grandchildren out and about to look back on.

Now we are on the other side of the equation with one son nearby, one across the great state of Texas and one out of state. Since I'm retired I can visit whenever, but do hold to the fish rule (fish and family visits all stink after 3 days). We text and call frequently and when grandchildren arrive, I expect to learn to Skype and will be very happy to stay longer if babysitting is needed.

Makes me think about generations not too far back who said goodbye to family moving across the country with no expectation of ever seeing each other again. 3D printing, self-driving cars: will teleporting be an option in the near future?


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Old 09-13-2016, 12:14 PM   #30
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All of my immediate family eventually left our hometown. Older brother and I stayed close by for a few years, but eventually left for greener pastures. Younger brother never came back after college. Sister eventually followed me to Texas. My parents moved to FL as soon as they retired.

My son ended up in DFW; after the child support ran out, my DE-W shipped him this way. Just as well, as he was hanging with a crowd of meth/oxycontin freaks, which unfortunately describes too many in the old hometown... Somewhat ironic that my parents also moved to DFW just before my DM passed.

We only get together 1-2 times a year with the whole famn damily, and slightly more often for the DFW locals.

We get along well, though life/political/religious ideologies mean that most of us have little in common, so wouldn't necessarily be hanging together as "buddies".
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Old 09-13-2016, 01:24 PM   #31
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We have a LOT of friends here in the greater Houston area that are retired and moved here because their kids/grandkids are here and likely aren't going anywhere. I rarely go a week without meeting someone and asking why moved here (after all, almost no one is a Houston native) and they respond "the kids". I will add that some are not that happy, as they are letting themselves be taken advantage of and are full time baby sitters in the Summers.

On the other hand, my Midwestern in-laws refused to move, even though all the kids were in Texas.

You do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.
It's curious you used the word "refused" did you actually ask them to relocate near you? Otherwise, It seems that they just made a decision to stay in a familiar place. You put kind of a negative spin on them with the word refused.
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Old 09-13-2016, 02:14 PM   #32
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Good timing on this post as I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I'm actually on the opposite end, as I have been thinking of where I want to settle down my family for the long term and I'm contemplating whether I want to move near my parents. I've spent many years for school/work far away from my parents and family (who all live within 30mins of each other) and now my parents want me to move nearby. While they're great and gave me a great childhood, they can be a little intrusive and judgmental (as can be the rest of my extended family), and it's nice having a little distance from that. It's a tough call as my family has lived in that area for generations and I had a great childhood that I'd want my kids to experience, but I'm not sure it's worth it.
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Old 09-13-2016, 02:21 PM   #33
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While visiting with some friends at church, one asked me if it bothered me that both our kids live far enough away that we have to fly to visit. Before I could answer a woman who had a 50+ year old son with Downs Syndrome piped in and said "I wish I knew what that felt like." Put it all in perspective for me. You rarely have to look very far to find someone worse off than you.

We have come to realize if/when we get grand kids, we probably won't be a huge influence in their life. It's OK, we could have worse problems. Our kids are happy, healthy and self-sufficient.
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Old 09-13-2016, 02:25 PM   #34
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As someone else mentioned, there are many ways to keep in touch...

My DW's mother lives in Europe... she talks to her by Skype 3 to 5 times a week... she comes to visit about every 2 years and DW and kids go to visit the other years... DW does not keep in touch with her brother much and even though her brother lives close to their mom does not talk to her nearly as much as she does...

Now, I had 5 siblings... one lives a mile away from us... mom lives maybe 3 or so... I talk to the oldest (one mile) maybe once a week and see her maybe once a month... we do see my mom at least once a week... my other siblings and I talk every once in awhile, but not any kind of regular basis... we do try and get together on holidays and other important days...

But, we do have a brother that almost never talks to anybody... even our mom... last anyone has heard from him was about a year ago...

So, distance means nothing... what matters is the relationship...
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Old 09-13-2016, 02:36 PM   #35
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Of course today compared to 100 years ago it is far easier to stay in touch even if living on opposite sides of the world (plus or minus the issue of time zones).
We have a "niece" (close family friend for a long time) in the Navy stationed in Bahrain and have had Facetime talks with her.

Facetime is an application that comes with an iPhone. It allows video and speech conversation real time. Pure science fiction when I was her age. And kinda neat.
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Old 09-13-2016, 03:41 PM   #36
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It could be worse. They could want to move back in with you.
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Old 09-13-2016, 04:06 PM   #37
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I guess we are a bit of an exception. My parents raised us 2400 and 3000 miles from their own hometowns where their parents lived. DH and I live 550 miles from our parents. Our daughter currently lives 2700 miles from us.

To me it would seem strange to live so close to grandparents that seeing them wouldn't require significant planning and effort.
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Old 09-13-2016, 05:54 PM   #38
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Although I grew up in the same small MD town where my parents were raised, they raised us to be independent and self-sufficient just as the OP describes. It was pure chance that we lived only about 200 miles away when our two kids (their only grandkids) were born, so that was really nice. We moved to Europe when the kids were 6 & 3, and then to TX. They then retired to FL. Through it all, we visited them at least once a year, and they sometimes visited us, but we talked on the phone nearly every week.

Our kids are now both on the east coast and we'll probably see them only once or twice a year for the foreseeable future. No grandkids anywhere on the horizon - both are firmly unattached. We do try to talk weekly and are very thankful they are both doing so well.
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Old 09-13-2016, 06:18 PM   #39
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Reading through this post made me ponder a bit. Both my parents along with their families immigrated from Europe after WW2 to the city where I still live, my DF had 8 siblings and my DM had 10. Combined I had 50 cousins in my life, although most were older than myself. 10 live in the same city as myself.

Today I have one cousin who I talk to regularly and 3 others who I see several time a year. Several more My DW will communicate with on social media. I have cousins in Europe (4), Asia (1), DB and family in Central America, a few cousins in the US, and the rest in Canada. My sister lives 10 minutes away, my DM 20 minutes. My son left home at 17 for university, my DD lives with us and is in the local college.

I live one (1) mile from where my fathers family immigrated to, and as my son joked recently, I lived in 4 houses within 1 square mile for all 50 years of my life.
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Old 09-14-2016, 05:40 PM   #40
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My brother is the only one who is still living in my home state- but he's about to move about 3 hours away from my parents in my direction- an hour and a half from me. My sister lives in the other direction. My parents are considering moving to the same town as my brother as they are anticipating needing care at some point and this way they will be nearer two of their children- also my brother is a nurse.

No one asked me so I have not volunteered my opinion, but I actually don't think this is a great idea. I have known several retirees who have moved to be near their children and regretted it. Their kids are working and busy with their own kids and didn't have very much time to spend with their parents- and parents have left all of their friends behind. The situation is even worse when the parent is single and not able to get out and meet new friends.

I'd just visit as much as I can if I were you. My parents have recently started doing this- dad calls on a Tuesday and asks if they can come for the weekend. We're always happy to see them
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