Letting Go of Employment

[DangerMouse]

Yesterday was the designated day, the day DH was to resign. We had been planning for a while based on bonus payout and RSU vesting. He had been waivering, he knows resigning is a career ending move. As I told him if he felt the need to continue for another 6 months I was ok with that.

We are scheduled to take a trip to Europe over Thanksgiving. He asked for the leave at 10 a.m. and they said ok as long as no big projects were outstanding. What a surprise that a new big project landed on his desk at 11 a.m.

That got his brain turning, why was he putting himself thru this. At 3 o'clock he went and resigned to his manager. Of course immediately they started the what can we do to keep you speech, ie. how many dollars can we throw your way to keep you on board. DH's ego is stroked and of course now he is thinking maybe he should stay.

So we had an interesting evening going over the possibilities. As I said to him what is the big deal if they suddenly add another $10 or $20k to his bonus, after tax we only get 50% of it. Is his enjoyment, his time worth so little.

All I can do at this time is be supportive and try and talk him off the ledge of staying employed. Ultimately if he decides he is not ready I will not force him as he is not likely to be able to get a similar position at his age, whereas I have a career that is probably easier to duck in and out of.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Wow, so I was just posting something about this blog on another thread, and I'd sent these two posts to my husband, who is struggling to wrap his mind around leaving the job he loves to hate. I don't know if they will resonate with your DH, but maybe so?

Here is the first one:
Mourn the death of your career - Married with Luggage

And the follow up, one year later:
Reflections on leaving my career – 1 year later - Married with Luggage

I hope that the resolution for you both is not long in coming.

 

[FreeAtLast]

My guess is now that he has resigned the offers he gets will be temporary of nature as they will be looking to eventually replace him. They know that he wants to leave and they can't risk not having the proper staff level to support the business.

I stayed on for about 3 years as a part time employee with full benefits as they did not want me to leave. It really worked out well for both myself and the employer. I first cut to 30 hours then to 20 hours/week. It was a nice transition into retirement.

Perhaps he can try to cut back his hours.

 

[W2R]

It's a hard decision, that (as I can see you recognize) is ultimately up to him.

I am the type of person who makes a goal, plans steps to get to that goal, and then never wavers from it. Once I have set my goal nothing would change my mind, and if something did, then that would mean that was never my goal to begin with. I guess I take the piranha approach to life - - grab that golden ring with all my might and never let go.

But some (most?) people are not like that, and not as inflexibly decisive. They approach goals gradually and re-assess constantly as they move closer and closer to their goals. Perhaps this is a more rational approach.

I suspect that your husband may accept some offer, see how that is, and then go ahead and retire next year.

 

[easysurfer]

It is difficult letting go. For me, even on a j*b that was totally stressing me out, and I came to hate, when the final day came around it was difficult letting go. I suppose, because of the finality of it, and reflecting back on all that time/effort invested in the j*b over the years.

Look at all the athletes who say, this is their "last dance" then they unretire, and retire and unretire again.

For me, once I decided to "hang up my keyboard" (w*rked in IT field) for good, I kept it that way.

Unfortunately, I still have the recurring w*rk dreams . In those dreams (or should I say, nightmares) I've been still at the office plugging away but not on the payroll.

 

[rescueme]

Sometimes, it takes the approval of a best friend (you) to say it's OK to retire.

It was in my case.

Just my simple POV...

 

[Moemg]

I can certainly sympathise with your husband . I was an RN so I knew I could always get a job with decent pay anytime I wanted but to give up a career at the top of your game most be incredibly hard .

 

[clifp]

This is a tough one and I suspect that you may lose this round.

Given the economy and the fast changing nature of Silicon Valley, I think you are both wise to view this as a career ending move. It certainly was for me.

I think you are wise to not try and drag him into retirement. If he wants to stay 6 more months, just remember to video tape the days he gets home exhausted, stressed out and hating his coworkers and play them back next time.

Good luck

 

[pb4uski]

I can sympathize with your husband. I'm also in the process of pulling the plug and it is hard, but I'm not sure why. It is just that my career has been such a large part of who I am for so long a time that I am finding it hard to hang up the gloves. Some of it is moving out of my comfort zone into the unknown.

While I am sure I could always go back to w*rk if I want to (unlikely that I would need to) it still has a certain degree of finality to it.

Still proceeding despite my reservations as I'm inspired by many of the posters on this forum that things will work out fine.

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

It is like the anxiety a skydiver feels standing in the open door of the plane.

Does he read this forum? It is a little late, but it might help to read the experience of others.

 

[Alan]

I wouldn't push him too hard, and if he decides to stay on then be very supportive. It sounds like it will happen within the next 6-12 months.

 

[obgyn65]

Many are struggling with the same choice. I know I am one of them. +1 for your support to him.

All I can do at this time is be supportive and try and talk him off the ledge of staying employed.

 

[ohyes]

...and have him read those blogs to which Sarah linked. I emailed the link of the "One Year Later" to my DH (already retired) and a friend of mine who is contemplating retirement. Her DH wants her to retire (He already has), but she is not ready.

In that blog, he is so happy with his decision---each day full of new possibilities. I love that! Each day at my j*b is full of possibilities, but not quite as wide open.

 

[DangerMouse]

By the looks my patience may have paid off. Two days later and by going his own thought processes I believe he is firmly of the mind that he needs to cut the cord and leave. Every time we speak about it he seems more and more convinced it is the right thing to do, so I am hopeful that by the end of the week a firm decision is made.

 

[warrentalbot]

DangerMouse, just found this thread and catching up on the story. Sounds like your DH is already well down the path to making the best decision of his life. I was in almost the exact same position as him (20 year career, making great money, thought my job identified me). Then one day it all changed with a health scare of a close friend and I found that a new path was possible. As a result I left my career last October and have never been happier.

I wrote the 2 posts that Sarah so kindly shared above. If you ever have any questions or if your DH wants to chat about the decision and process PLEASE reach out to me. I would love to share our experience in more detail.

Currently we are in Chiang Mai, Thailand and loving every day. Plus, I can tell you there is not a day that has gone by since leaving that I have missed my career. Taking the leap is scary but so amazing.

Good luck and I hope to hear from you.

Thank you,
Warren

 

[Alan]

Tough times DM, good luck over the next couple of weeks. I hope it turns out for the best.

 

[Nords]

By the looks my patience may have paid off. Two days later and by going his own thought processes I believe he is firmly of the mind that he needs to cut the cord and leave. Every time we speak about it he seems more and more convinced it is the right thing to do, so I am hopeful that by the end of the week a firm decision is made.

DM, how's your health? Has it occurred to him that he might be able to spend more time with you if he's not working on some "big project" that came up over Thanksgiving? And, gee, I guess they didn't see that holiday coming!

If his skills are so critical (and I believe they are) and if he's good at what he does (as he seems to be) then he can do better consulting part-time. No way should his employer-- even that employer-- be treating him so shabbily.

Bring him over here for ClifP and I to tag-team some more retirement counseling. I can loan you guys a couple longboards if it'll help him think through the process...

 

[Sarah in SC]

Great news, Dangermouse! I'm very happy you let him come to his own conclusions. It is hard to sit on your hands, though!

And Warren, welcome to the forum. As I mentioned, we've enjoyed your blog and I thought it worthwhile to share here. If you'd like, I'd suggest posting a "Hi I am" post in our section for that, just to give a backstory, as I'm sure others would enjoy hearing about y'all.