Living with a working spouse

[martyp]

The other day my DW asked me what my plans were for the holidays. She is scheduling a day for the museum, a day to do some painting in the bathroom, a day to go on a hike and a good balance of days to relax and putter around the house. She is also thinking of w*rking the 22-23rd so she can "get things done when no one else (mostly her boss) is in the office".

I desperately want to say "Plans? What plans?. Every day is the same as the next" but I'm holding my tongue. She is still in w*rking mode. She doesn't realize that there are individual holidays but no holiday vacation periods.

I often try to tell people that one of the more profound changes with ER is that you view time differently. There is no time when you can't do anything you want.

DW is scheduled to retire this coming summer. Next December I think she will look back on this December and ask "What was I thinking?"

 

[Ronstar]

Yes, she will ask "What was I thinking?". She will learn that there is no need to rush into things. In retirement, one has 7 days a week to do what you want. While working - generally 2. So there is no need to cram a bunch of stuff into a short period of time

 

[Big_Hitter]

My DW lives with a working spouse...

 

[Ally]

I am the working spouse and I think I do some of that cramming with my husband who is retired. I asked him the other day if he looks forward to Mondays when I go back to work and he can do anything he wants or nothing if he wants. He said YES.

 

[Live And Learn]

I think your DW was just being polite and was indirectly asking you if you would go to the museum with her and paint the bathroom for her

 

[Mulligan]

I think your DW was just being polite and was indirectly asking you if you would go to the museum with her and paint the bathroom for her

I never catch those subtle cues.... it always gets me in trouble too with my GF. And then it gets worse when I say "why didn't you just come out and say it".


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[Sea Kayaker]

Yeah, living my with my still working DW will likely be my reality for another 5 years. I'm only 3 months into my ER stint, but so far *knocks on wood* it has worked out wonderfully. I thought this arrangement would provide a few obstacles - perhaps it's still to early for these to manifest. Though I am starting to think I was thinking far too pessimistically.

She goes to her job that she loves... I go to the gym without fail everyday, work on our investments and our budget, give the house a once over, and have a great (and healthy) meal ready when she gets home. I also try to squeeze in some reading and video gaming in there somewhere too... and no more work stress for me.

The more I think about it, things are AWESOME.

 

[Walt34]

I never catch those subtle cues.... it always gets me in trouble too with my GF. And then it gets worse when I say "why didn't you just come out and say it".

This is the book for you! You Just Don't Understand! Women and Men in Conversation.

When I read it, it was like reading a Book Of Revelations - I was constantly thinking "So that's why she does that!"

 

[Live And Learn]

I never catch those subtle cues.... it always gets me in trouble too with my GF. And then it gets worse when I say "why didn't you just come out and say it".

Because just telling you what we want wouldn't be ladylike and would take away all your opportunity for chivalry !

 

[braumeister]

We had this situation for a long time. I did the ER thing and DW kept on w*rking for another 12 years. Why? Because of a couple of things.

• She honestly enjoyed almost all the people she worked with; she even loved going to lunch with them.
• She really felt the "What will I do all day?" problem more than a lot of people.

I worked on her (very gently) all that time, because there was no financial reason why she had to w*rk. Intellectually, she knew that, but those two big reasons above were powerful.

Fortunately, once she finally did retire (about a year and a half ago), it took only two to three months before she fell into the groove , and has been loving it ever since.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I think your DW was just being polite and was indirectly asking you if you would go to the museum with her and paint the bathroom for her

Or paint the bathroom with her. Turn on some music you both like and you'll be done in no time. The main thing is when she says something like that, just offer to do the project.


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[travelover]

Or paint the bathroom with her. Turn on some music you both like and you'll be done in no time. The main thing is when she says something like that, just offer to do the project.

If I and DW tried to paint a tiny room like a bathroom together, there would be blood.

But, I've been retired almost eight years and she still has about 20 months to go. I do all the grimble work around the house, so her life is much easier outside of w*rk.

 

[2B]

I never catch those subtle cues.... it always gets me in trouble too with my GF. And then it gets worse when I say "why didn't you just come out and say it".

I told my DW early on that I can not read her mind and it's unlikely I will decipher any subtle hints she may send my way. As long as she understands that, it will reduce her disappointments with the person she married.

 

[Sarah in SC]

What's been nice about being the working spouse for me is that it gets me off the hook for long visits with his family at the holidays. DH went up for four days at Thanksgiving and I skipped it, since I had to work. I will be going with him over the weekend after Christmas to visit, but nice to make his mom happy with a good visit from the prodigal son, without me there.



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[freebird5825]

What's been nice about being the working spouse for me is that it gets me off the hook for long visits with his family at the holidays. DH went up for four days at Thanksgiving and I skipped it, since I had to work. I will be going with him over the weekend after Christmas to visit, but nice to make his mom happy with a good visit from the prodigal son, without me there.

I just did this scenario with Mr B. I decided to stay home for Christmas versus drive out to NH. He wanted me to go of course, but I declined.
It turns out that it was a whirlwind of extended family events involving the cousins, running back and forth and all over creation. He is having a blast running his Mom (87 and no car) anywhere and everywhere she wants to go.
I would have been climbing the walls sitting in the back seat during the errand running. Plus the frantic scheduling beyond my control would have been a task to deal with.
I like his Mom and family, so no drama. Our excuse was that I had to provide transport to medical appointments for an ill friend (half true).

I am soooo glad I stayed home. I've gotten a lot of things done in 3 days without interruptions.

In our normal life routine, Mr B runs a home based tax service and does forensic accounting for an estate law firm. Plus he does Legion Finance Officer work for a local post and the county. Busy guy!
I do my own thing when he is occupied with all that. It's a nice balance for us to have our "own time".

 

[harley]

Because just telling you what we want wouldn't be ladylike and would take away all your opportunity for chivalry !

 

[Lisa99]

Bed time is the problem I'm envisioning for us.

DH plans to retire on his 50th birthday in April. I'm working until Sept 1 2016.

I go to bed early, DH stays up later then likes to read in bed once he finally comes to bed, which invariably wakes me up.

In our 25 years of marriage he's traveled almost full time so the bedtime thing has the been a big deal. But once he's permanently home I can issues conf.

Any suggestions on how to resolve? I've suggested that he read in his man cave before coming to bed, but that was a no go.

 

[Mulligan]

Bed time is the problem I'm envisioning for us.



DH plans to retire on his 50th birthday in April. I'm working until Sept 1 2016.



I go to bed early, DH stays up later then likes to read in bed once he finally comes to bed, which invariably wakes me up.



In our 25 years of marriage he's traveled almost full time so the bedtime thing has the been a big deal. But once he's permanently home I can issues conf.



Any suggestions on how to resolve? I've suggested that he read in his man cave before coming to bed, but that was a no go.

As shown above, my calling probably isn't understanding female communications, but I still will chime in. Believe it or not I will take your side in being aggressive on this issue. My GF and I maintain separate local residences. When I am alone, I do everything she despises. Watch tv in bed for an hour before I fall asleep, no "white noise", and then turn tv back on early in morning and slumber with it on. She cannot tolerate light, tv, and must have fan on while sleeping. Guess what? We do it her way when she is over at my house or on vacation. I don't feel like I can justify disrupting someone's sleep since after all watching tv and reading can be done somewhere else, while sleeping generally can't. Maybe I am just fortunate but I can break my routine easily if needed. That doesn't mean I want to, but that I can because I feel like I should.


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[freebird5825]

I agree with Mulligan. If you need sleep so you aren't dragging b*tt at w*rk the next day, then the book reading has to happen somewhere else.
Or you need to set up your own sleeping only room if he won't budge on the night reading thing.

Many adjectives come to mind about him keeping you awake with the book reading in bed, but I'll be nice.

Hope you find a good solution for yourself.

 

[Lisa99]

He's actually a very kind, thoughtful person overall. This is just one are where we greatly diverge. We do have a spare bedroom so maybe I'll give a choice. Read somewhere else before bed or I'd be happy to sleep in the guest room on work nights.

Thank heavens this is the one tiny area where we still have some things to work out!

 

[Dog]

Lisa99 - has he tried using a headlamp for reading or have you considered an eye mask to block out the light?


DH likes to fall asleep watching TV in bed. I will use ear plugs and an eye mask if the TV irritates me. It really helps.

 

[harley]

Lisa99 - has he tried using a headlamp for reading or have you considered an eye mask to block out the light?


DH likes to fall asleep watching TV in bed. I will use ear plugs and an eye mask if the TV irritates me. It really helps.

We're not even in the same room, but the living room and bedroom are side by side. I'm a much later bird than she is. When she goes to bed she covers her eyes, but if I want to watch TV I use the wireless headphones. $79 is a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Seems to me the one doing the annoying habits should be the one to fix them. The other person is just trying to sleep, and wearing things and trying to adjust your sleeping habits is a lot harder than adjusting your awake habits. Heck, if it was me keeping her awake I'd choose to be the one sleeping in the other room. Just seems equitable to me.