Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

[jollystomper]

Not every finds it easy to say no. I do not have a problem with it, I just say it nicely and with a smile, and if possible try to suggest an alternative. DW has a hard time saying no, and I (by her request) am helping her adjust. She is essentially retired - only teaching one day a week, something she loves" - and gets requests to help with house sitting, baby sitting, cooking, etc. multiple times a week.

My approach is to look at every request and try to discern if it is a one time thing or if there is potential for a trend to develop. The "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" saying might come into play as well.

 

[Danmar]

Now that's what I call chutzpah. You don't even know him, right?

Agree. Talked to him twice I think.

 

[Danmar]

That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.

Yes, agree. I figured if I said yes the first time he would ask all the time. I should sell him the house then borrow it back when I needed it.

 

[Danmar]

It sounds like a scene from some movie (a comedy, obviously). Surreal!

Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.

 

[FUEGO]

Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.

He just figured you didn't use it much so he would help put it to more optimal use! He's probably efficient and hates waste as much as the rest of us. Sounds like a nice guy!

And can I spend a couple weeks crashing at your pad with my 3 unruly kids this summer? Still debating what to do over the summer. Don't worry we don't break much - past couple summers in airbnbs all it has been is 3 lamps and a glass coffee table. Who knew 3 year olds can't jump through glass tables?!?!

 

[FUEGO]

So, what are your negative qualities?

Oh hey, sorry it took me a day to get back to you. I don't check my messages on here often. Guess I totally flaked out! Now what were we talking about?

 

[Music Lover]

There was only one time that a friend asked me to be at his place to let in a contractor and I was glad to do so...he was in the process of building a house and one of his parents suddenly became ill that morning. I knew that if he re-scheduled that particular contractor it would have meant that several other contractors coming over the next few days would also have had to be rescheduled (that contractor had to be done before other work could be done) causing a major delay during a busy building season.

It was a favour that I was glad to do as he would have done the same for me. It wasn't like he was asking just because I had free time and he didn't want to be inconvenienced.

 

[Music Lover]

However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.

I had a friend (not very close) who used to pull tricks like that. He'd ask me what I was doing that afternoon and if I said "nothing", then he'd say "great, can I borrow your truck?". I made sure to invite him over using the same tactic one day and once he found out I wanted help shingling my house he had to quickly backtrack by remembering a prior commitment.

He never called me again...

 

[Redbugdave]

Ahhh. This thread is refreshing. I have had the same experiences. It's funny how we figure it out and learn that it's OK to say, "No". We need to find the balance where we are happy and not taken advantage of. People get over it, I have observed. The ones that don't...you don't have to put up with them, then. True friends understand and don't use you.

 

[CardsFan]

I think it all depends on how close the friendship is and how you are asked. We have friends that were having some extensive work done to their home, and it had to be scheduled while they were going to be away. I don't recall if they asked, or I volunteered, but it doesn't matter. For them I would create time in my "retirement schedule" to help out.

I think, for the OP, the issue was last minute text (call for something like this for Pete's sake), and having just retired. I can understand the anxiety, and concern about abuse. But if they really are a good friend, you know they will return the favor, if you need it.

 

[kgtest]

I've realized in life friendship means different things to different people. TO me it means empathizing and offering suggestions of hope when friends are in need, and when they aren't just having a fun time and trying to learn and grow with each other. As soon as I am not having a fun time, or my friend becomes overbearing I back off and try to "just be friends".

As soon as you let other people's problems become your own problems...its no longer friendship it,s therapy.

 

[kcowan]

Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.

It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

 

[Danmar]

He just figured you didn't use it much so he would help put it to more optimal use! He's probably efficient and hates waste as much as the rest of us. Sounds like a nice guy!

And can I spend a couple weeks crashing at your pad with my 3 unruly kids this summer? Still debating what to do over the summer. Don't worry we don't break much - past couple summers in airbnbs all it has been is 3 lamps and a glass coffee table. Who knew 3 year olds can't jump through glass tables?!?!

Hilarious. My thoughts exactly. It wasn’t even the guy I know but his sister who I have never met. Gotta stay arm’s length from this guy.

 

[Danmar]

It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

Geez. People can be funny when it comes to money. Good for you. I have figured out that basically friends and money don’t mix very well.

 

[Scrapr]

It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

Some neighbors of our 2nd home in a vacation area asked if we could let their nanny's family stay over on a long weekend. Since we knew the neighbors well we said of course. And charged a nominal amount.

I was the first one over after they left. That was very lucky because if Mrs Scrapr had been first there would have been an explosion. Hairspray on the counter, broken stuff in kitchen & front room. (swept up but nothing said about it) Trash in the garage. They treated it as a hotel room. That was the last time we lent the house out.

There was one other time a friend asked to borrow it for a weekend. She asks the week before....Is 12 too many in your house? Ummm yeah. There is only 3 beds there. Last time for her

 

[WestLake]

razatazz is right. Don't answer the phone. I dropped voicemail as well. They have to text or email. I get a lot of messages via Facebook but I can always say I wasn't on there, didn't see it... my life is so much simpler incommunicado.

 

[Winemaker]

Only you can give someone permission to walk all over you. Sometimes friends and family are worth it, most of the time they're not.

 

[splitwdw]

I am looking for any words of advice, commiseration, and tips on setting and maintaining boundaries with your still-working friends when you are the first of your circle to free yourself from daily work.

I hadn't thought I would find myself in this situation so soon--I just retired last week. This week I had lunch with a friend on Monday (which was going to be us meeting somewhere for lunch on her work-from-home day, and morphed into me picking up lunch and meeting her at her house since she had spent her "lunchtime" running errands). Late last night, she texted me to explain that she needed to ask a favor--to have me be at her house for several hours tomorrow around noon to let some workers in to do a job, and then to lock up after them. My reaction to this simple request was a huge adrenaline spike, like I was under attack, and a triggering of my anxiety (that my hard-won escape from the need to be at others' beck and call was being taken away from me, and I was back in the... realm of work hell).

So you already expected this to happen? This friend has done this in the past? We all have different "classes" of friends, some are best friends and there is just about anything you will do for each other. Then you have the friend(s) that don't see asking you for favors (or just taking advantage of your time) to their advantage. "What's the problem, you're not working (have the day off, on vaca and not doing anything.)". They always seem to have a reason why it's not a problem for you. LOL Your friend has done this twice in your second week of retirement.
I'm still working but have a friend that does this a lot. I like him and will accommodate if I can but sometimes he crossing the line and I let him know it. He's not going to change and for the most part I enjoy his company. BUT sometimes
Enjoy your retirement and congrats!

 

[kcowan]

We have a 3-day rule on our spare bedroom in PV. Most people want to come for a week or two and we say we will help getting them a hotel for the remainder of their time. Most have moved on to their own rentals now.

 

[JoeWras]

I made sure to invite him over using the same tactic one day and once he found out I wanted help shingling my house he had to quickly backtrack by remembering a prior commitment.

He never called me again...

This is awesome! Sounds a little like a Seinfeld episode, if Seinfeld were in suburbia.

"Whatcha doing today?"
"Nothin..."
"Great, come on over and shingle my 3 story house!"

 

[Danmar]

We have a 3-day rule on our spare bedroom in PV. Most people want to come for a week or two and we say we will help getting them a hotel for the remainder of their time. Most have moved on to their own rentals now.

We have a 4 day rule. Some people want to stay a week and in that case either they get a hotel or sometimes we will leave them there on their own when we go to another place. We will often loan our places out to very good friends or relatives when we are not there. Especially our Toronto Condo which we seldom use. In any event, no self invites allowed.

 

[Teacher Terry]

We invite friends for a week. I figure if they are going to the expense of flying to see us we should accommodate them. However, these are good friends that I invite.

 

[Clone]

A friend of mine used to winter in Arizona. He and his wife had a saying about their place-

Room for 6 to visit, 4 can eat, sleeps 2!

 

[ElizabethT]

I bet the biggest funeral assemblies are probably for men or women who continually dropped everything to do for others. You just gotta decide if you want lots of people at your funeral.

Best line ever. And I'll speak up for the ladies by saying that in our home I have the far easier time with 'No' than does my spouse. I see it as a reflection on the person making the ask, while he interprets it as a reflection on himself.

He'll likely have more folk at his funeral than will I.

 

[TrvlBug]

Best line ever. And I'll speak up for the ladies by saying that in our home I have the far easier time with 'No' than does my spouse. I see it as a reflection on the person making the ask, while he interprets it as a reflection on himself.

He'll likely have more folk at his funeral than will I.

+1. SIL is a master manipulator and because of her, I developed a backbone. DH is a soft touch for anyone. Now animal welfare issues I'm a total softie.