Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

[Indigo Mule]

I am looking for any words of advice, commiseration, and tips on setting and maintaining boundaries with your still-working friends when you are the first of your circle to free yourself from daily work.

I hadn't thought I would find myself in this situation so soon--I just retired last week. This week I had lunch with a friend on Monday (which was going to be us meeting somewhere for lunch on her work-from-home day, and morphed into me picking up lunch and meeting her at her house since she had spent her "lunchtime" running errands). Late last night, she texted me to explain that she needed to ask a favor--to have me be at her house for several hours tomorrow around noon to let some workers in to do a job, and then to lock up after them. My reaction to this simple request was a huge adrenaline spike, like I was under attack, and a triggering of my anxiety (that my hard-won escape from the need to be at others' beck and call was being taken away from me, and I was back in the realm of work hell).

I waited a half hour or so, until I was calmer, and then pushed back, explaining that I had not been planning to operate machinery (to drive), and asking if it was a true emergency, or just a convenience. I emphasized that my new-won time was indeed an asset, but that it should be held in reserve for emergencies--couldn't she reschedule the work? What would she do if I were unavailable? She could reschedule, but would have to pay them the full visit fee for the last-minute cancellation. Originally her spouse was going to be working from home, but he was being called into work.

I am going, this time. I may have annoyed her and put some distance into the friendship. On the surface, it's no big deal, and she is a kind and good friend. Underneath, I feel like this sort of request would have escalated, as she has a very tightly scheduled life, a long commute, and many stresses. It comes down to it being too soon for me. I had a hell job for years, and i did serious damage to my physical and mental health to win through to my retirement. I have not yet detoxified and healed--obviously, if this simple request can send me into an anxiety spiral.

So...how have you tactfully set up and maintained boundaries to protect your time from your valued friends? Do you mentally budget a certain amount of time to spend doing errands and such tasks for others? Do you take it on a case-by-case basis? Do you set expectations at the start, or wait until it crosses into too much?

I guess my dream of blissful introvert solitude, splashed with occasional social time, was not terribly realistic.

 

[Which Roger]

I may have annoyed her and put some distance into the friendship.

It's the reverse. She initiated the problem with an unreasonable request. Just because you're retired doesn't mean your friends should expect more of you that when you were working. If you want to give them more, fine, but it was inappropriate for her to ask for so much, especially with the assumption that any answer other than "yes, I'd be happy to" is the wrong answer.

If she's not OK with how you feel, then she's being selfish and you can't do much about that.

 

[athena53]

What would she do if I were unavailable? She could reschedule, but would have to pay them the full visit fee for the last-minute cancellation. Originally her spouse was going to be working from home, but he was being called into work.

I am going, this time. I may have annoyed her and put some distance into the friendship. On the surface, it's no big deal, and she is a kind and good friend. Underneath, I feel like this sort of request would have escalated, as she has a very tightly scheduled life, a long commute, and many stresses. It comes down to it being too soon for me. I had a hell job for years, and i did serious damage to my physical and mental health to win through to my retirement. I have not yet detoxified and healed--obviously, if this simple request can send me into an anxiety spiral.

Fortunately I don't have any friends that needy. I'd say your post-retirement relationship with this friend is not off to a good start. She just turned her own emergency into yours. (Please see the "Not my circus- not my monkeys" thread. ) Somehow she and her husband managed without you being at their beck and call before you retired; they'll have to do it now.

I say this as another person who has a hard time saying no to people who need me although I'm getting better at it. Can you use your doctor as the bad guy? Something like, "After the hell I went through in that job my doc says I need to decompress by minimizing my obligations, by keeping a predictable routine, by spending X hours at home relaxing, etc."

And if you need a counselor to help you through this, do it. You earned your peace and quiet.

 

[Walt34]

Which Roger nailed it.

Your time is yours now and does not belong to anyone else unless you want to volunteer and give it. That is not the case here.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I think there is an easy solution. While you are at her place for the several hours, raid her fridge and eat anything that is worthy of eating. And, drink all the beer in the place...maybe have a few friends over, too.

In all seriousness, perhaps it will be a one-off situation. And, maybe it won't happen again, but it you are one of "those friends" that is always on the "helping side", then I am afraid it may not last.

 

[Sunset]

You might want to change your Avatar as aren't Mules supposed to carry the load and be at other's beck and call

I would think, your friend won't be calling you to handle her stuff again, but if she does, then it shows she might simply be a "user" and will use you until you say no.

 

[ERD50]

....

In all seriousness, perhaps it will be a one-off situation. And, maybe it won't happen again, but it you are one of "those friends" that is always on the "helping side", then I am afraid it may not last.

+1 - I wouldn't make a big deal about it the first time. Don't make it too easy for them to call on you, but if it is an occasional and reasonable request, then what are friends for?

I actually feared this, I have a 'needy' relative - but it never materialized. I'm actually more than happy to help him out when he does ask, as he hasn't abused it at all.

-ERD50

 

[king smoothie]

I suppose it doesn't help in this situation and I am not retired, but my friends don't seem to hold it against me when I say no to a request for help. They also learn that when I say "l'll think about it" that means there is only about a 1% chance I will do it. Usually I will say no or yes. Maybe that is why I only have a few friends.

 

[Amethyst]

I'm not you, and I don't know your friend. A lot hangs on the nuances of those two things.

That said, if my friend asked me to do something on such short notice, I would expect the request to be heavily couched in "I realize this is an imposition, but Joe suddenly has to go in to work and nobody will be home. I tried my neighbor but they are not home, either." If I didn't have anything scheduled/wasn't ill, I would have done the favor. I know my friend would make it up to me in some way.

If the friend started imposing more and more, I would balk. I would seriously question the friendship itself, since that is not how friends treat each other.

 

[Philliefan33]

It's too late now, since you've already replied otherwise, but a simple "I'm sorry, I can't. I've made other plans for the day" would've been my response.

 

[RobbieB]

If I had nothing to do it would be no problem. You know as long as it was a "one time only thing" as this seemed the case as hubby had to go.

She is your friend right? Well, maybe not eh?

Are you scared because this happened in the first week?

Well if it becomes a weekly thing just tell her to talk to the hand and be done with her.

 

[Which Roger]

Even if the friendship is strained, it's probably temporary. Based on your reaction, your friend will likely realize she overstepped some boundaries and not hold it against you long term.

 

[Accidental Retiree]

Which Roger nailed it.

Your time is yours now and does not belong to anyone else unless you want to volunteer and give it. That is not the case here.

Or set up an hourly “personal assistant” rate.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I had this issue too at first when I retired. I found myself taking other people's dog s to the vet and being at their house for furniture deliveries, etc. Then I just started to say I had plans unless it was something that I wanted to do. I think it is just a matter of people thinking you have all the time in the world while they are working. I don't think they are purposely trying to use you but just being inconsiderate and not really thinking.

 

[pb4uski]

+1.... Your friend's ask was way out of bounds.... but if she is really jammed up a one-time exception is nice on your part.

 

[aja8888]

+1.... Your friend's ask was way out of bounds.... but if she is really jammed up a one-time exception is nice on your part.

I have to agree on the one time exception. If it repeats, draw the line and just beg off and say you are already committed.

 

[Meadbh]

I understand why she thought it was ok to ask you. It was a last minute scheduling problem with her husband and she figured you might be available. Friends do these sorts of things for each other all the time. Perhaps the tone of the request, or the fact that it was a text, was not optimal. I wonder if a phone call would have felt less threatening? More empathetic?

Now that you have obliged her and her DH and saved them money and hassle, I hope they show their gratitude. A nice bottle of wine, perhaps? If they do not show any appreciation, I would certainly feel taken advantage of.

She owes you now. I suggest calling on this friend when you next need a favour, for example, to drive you to the airport when you depart on the first of your ER trips! I would also have a strategy for responding to future requests. Being busy with other activities is helpful, and your friend does not need to know the details. For example, you could be going to the gym for a session with a personal trainer....or not. Or going to the dentist....or not. If it’s not convenient, just say you are not available.

I don’t budget time for obliging friends. I take it on a case by case basis. My closest friends understand some of my preferences and generally don’t ask me to do things I’m uncomfortable with.

 

[rodi]

I have a long term friend (since middle school) that does this to me... and she'll say "hey - now that you're retired can you < fill in the request >

What makes it funny is that she was a SAHM with one kid, older than mine, said kid is now at college. I've learned to say no. Not ready to blow off the friendship... but setting boundaries.

I've also had the experience of neighbors assuming I'm free to volunteer for *their* favored community projects because I'm retired. I just politely point out that I am active in volunteer activities of my own choosing.

It's a skill we all need to develop... the art of saying no.

 

[HadEnuff]

It's too late now, since you've already replied otherwise, but a simple "I'm sorry, I can't. I've made other plans for the day" would've been my response.

+1

 

[FUEGO]

I'm really flaky, undependable, and hard to get in touch with.

 

[FUEGO]

I've also had the experience of neighbors assuming I'm free to volunteer for *their* favored community projects because I'm retired. I just politely point out that I am active in volunteer activities of my own choosing.

This. It's why I'm paranoid to let some folks around the community know I'm retired (but most do because of that annoying blog thingy I have going on and the NNN - Nosy Neighbor Network).

The PTA is the most recent one. Looking for all new board members and I've been an active participant and volunteer. But they want me to be a board member (prez, VP, secretary, etc). Please please we need a secretary!! No way in hel1 I'd be the secretary as I hate taking notes on stuff and dealing with minutiae like that even if I'm getting paid for it. Now I'm hesitant to even volunteer with them on a limited basis.

I've learned to say no a lot. Sometimes it's evasive, like "I'm busy that day so can't help out." In most cases it's taken well.

 

[Eagle43]

You could do it, for a price. Your ending hourly pay?

No is the default answer. Don't start doing something you don't want to do. Say no emphatically.

 

[MichaelB]

I'm really flaky, undependable, and hard to get in touch with.

So, what are your negative qualities?

 

[Scuba]

It's too late now, since you've already replied otherwise, but a simple "I'm sorry, I can't. I've made other plans for the day" would've been my response.

+1
Even if your plans involve sleeping in and watching movies at home all day, it's still your option to spend your time as you see fit.

I occasionally ask our neighbors to help us out but always do something nice for them in return. I think the key is not to take another person's time for granted. Maybe having other plans a few times will help your friend realize you have a life.

 

[razztazz]

I stopped answering the phone. Would just listen to the voice on the "tape machine" (this was 1996) and chuckle. Several months later I moved 1,000 miles away but the phone had stopped ringing by then.