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Old 08-14-2013, 12:22 PM   #21
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Hello

I am 48. To answer your question, I would not stick it out for a few more years and would look for a lower paying, lower stress job.
Not sure of the OP, but you have the benefit of being able to live on that lower salary....


To the OP.... I would suggest trying to find out WHY you are so stressed... a lot of times it is how we approach life.... I have no idea about the hours etc. you do and if that is the problem.... but sometimes just letting something go can relieve a lot of stress...
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Old 08-14-2013, 03:20 PM   #22
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A stressed pilot? That's really scary. I suggest you show you DW this thread and find a line of work that wouldn't bring you this much stress. Like you, I have a personality that causes me to stress a lot so I have avoided jobs including promotions that would bring me stress. I prefer to live on less rather than be stressed.
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Old 08-14-2013, 03:24 PM   #23
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Can your wife get a job?
Great idea! It's always better to have the little lady head off to the salt mine every morning than put up with the BS yourself.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:22 PM   #24
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Great idea! It's always better to have the little lady head off to the salt mine every morning than put up with the BS yourself.
I am not sure how old you are, but most women actually do work these days. It isn't really that unusual any more.

Some of our neighbors are stay at home dads because the wives have better paying careers.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:38 PM   #25
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I am not sure how old you are, but most women actually do work these days. It isn't really that unusual any more.

Some of our neighbors are stay at home dads because the wives have better paying careers.
I'm very old.

My DW worked full time until REing at 55.

But I worked too. I doubt she would have tolerated me ERing leaving her to pull the plow alone because I was stressed. But, if a guy is clever enough to work that out, go for it!
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:42 PM   #26
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I can understand the desire to be home for a child (I am the mother of 3 children) but unless you are homeschooling (which I don't think you are from what you say about the school) your daughter is in school most of the day. At a minimum your wife could get a part-time job during the school hours.

Yes, yes, I know. She couldn't volunteer as much at school during the school day. To be blunt, that is something she wants to do. It isn't essential. It is a nice to have. And, if you were happy in your job and you could both indulge that want of hers then that would be fine.

But, I fail to understand why you have to be miserable and stressed and working away from home for 18 days at a time in order to accommodate this desire to be free to spend time at the school during the day.

Given your unhappiness with your current working situation, it seems unreasonable for your wife to say no to possible solutions such as her working or you cutting expenses so you wouldn't need to work.

I don't see how it is fair to expect you to work at a very stressful job while she is a SAHM particularly if a 9 year old who is in school.

Actually if she feels it is important to have a stay at home parent for your child (hard to believe that with a 9 year old, but I'll go with it). Why don't you switch? You be the stay at home dad and she goes and gets a full-time job? That would to cover all the bases.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:51 PM   #27
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Thanks for the replies,
I have talked to my wife about both of us getting jobs, but she wants to be home for our daughter. She does have a side business that earns a few thousand a year.
I love the tiny house idea, but again the wife would not be happy. I have suggested selling our house and moving into our 1000sq ft rental, so far no dice.
I'm stuck between providing for my family and keeping my sanity. We have cut our expenses in the last year, however, I could keep cutting ERE style if it was only up to me. DW is not a big spender, but she will not go that extreme.
I've been flying so long now, I can't honestly say if I'd be happier in a low stress, pay job. I think i would. Another problem is what would I do. Not really qualified for much else.
It bothers me that your wife doesn't seem to be a partner with you in solving this. You're saying you are unbearably stressed and it is affecting your health. She's saying no she won't get a better paying job, no she won't move to a smaller home, no she won't pare the budget further. What is she willing to do, to help out? Does she understand how stressed and at the end of your rope you are? Have you made that clear to her?

I get frustrated with the idea that men are supposed to sacrifice themselves to their jobs, in order to support their families. I think that is a deadly expectation and a big reason men kick the bucket far earlier than women.

If this were going on in my life, I would have a very serious talk with my wife. I would make sure she really, truly understood how miserable and stressed I was, how desperate I felt for relief. I would insist that she help us find solutions, not just offer a bunch of vetos.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:57 PM   #28
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It bothers me that your wife doesn't seem to be a partner with you in solving this. You're saying you are unbearably stressed and it is affecting your health. She's saying no she won't get a better paying job, no she won't move to a smaller home, no she won't pare the budget further. What is she willing to do, to help out? Does she understand how stressed and at the end of your rope you are? Have you made that clear to her?
It really bothers me too. I understand wanting to be there for a child (even one in school) and wanting to be able to help out the school by volunteering. But I certainly think the OP's needs deserve consideration as well.

I honestly think that a possible solution to this so all the needs get met would be for OP to become a stay at home dad and his wife to get a job. It might not pay as much as he is making if she has been out of the workforce a long time, but he seems willing to do a lot to cut the budget and as stay at home parent he could do more of that (and they already have quite a bit saved). And, he would be able to volunteer at the school, etc.
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Old 08-14-2013, 05:06 PM   #29
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Here's an article about a home brewer freind of mine, former pilot, that threw in the take-off checklist to become his own boss. Naw, scratch that, his better half is quite a force behind this business. Courage!

Couple brews business success with 401(k) funds | WCNC.com Charlotte
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Old 08-14-2013, 05:17 PM   #30
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I'm very old.

My DW worked full time until REing at 55.

But I worked too. I doubt she would have tolerated me ERing leaving her to pull the plow alone because I was stressed. But, if a guy is clever enough to work that out, go for it!
I am unsure why you quoted only part of my post and then mocked a suggestion I didn't make - the wife working and the OP not working at all.

My complete post was -

"Can your wife get a job? If both of you had lower stress jobs, could your two incomes match what you make now? Or at least move up your FI time frame?
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Old 08-14-2013, 05:27 PM   #31
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I worked at home full time and volunteered at school, was the sports team mom, did the car pools, went on the class field trips, the whole bit.

It was still a lot less hours and stress than the full time megacorp management job with a commute, and I am sure the megacorp job was a lot less stress than being a pilot responsible for making life and death decisions each day.
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Old 08-14-2013, 05:37 PM   #32
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The thing is, a guy may have a very kind and cooperative wife. Or he may have one who understands that once they are married, and she gives birth, he had better quit thinking that his opinions matter, because they don't. A married woman with a child sets the rules, the penalties, and any grace periods if there are to be any.

This is humorously expressed (gallows humor) by board members who frequently say ""Aint nobody happy if Momma aint happy.

I think marriage often, perhaps usually, improves a man's life, but it is out of his control. Kind of an odd position for an adult to put himself into.

Ha
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Old 08-14-2013, 06:14 PM   #33
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There was another post a few days ago about a couple who were going to take turns supporting each other going to school for speech pathology, then both work part time -

35 y/o, Married w/ 2 kids - Wanting to work PT

Rdy4er, maybe you could pick up the course catalog for a local college / extension / community college and flip through it with your wife. Surely there has to be something she could find interesting and be willing to do along those same lines.

If she likes the mom type work maybe she could get credentialed to be preschool teacher.
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:41 PM   #34
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The thing is, a guy may have a very kind and cooperative wife. Or he may have one who understands that once they are married, and she gives birth, he had better quit thinking that his opinions matter, because they don't. A married woman with a child sets the rules, the penalties, and any grace periods if there are to be any.

This is humorously expressed (gallows humor) by board members who frequently say ""Aint nobody happy if Momma aint happy.

I think marriage often, perhaps usually, improves a man's life, but it is out of his control. Kind of an odd position for an adult to put himself into.

Ha
Ever wonder why there are so many divorces?

Not suggesting this as a course of action to solve a stressful job/family situation, just adding to your last thought.

OP, is part of the stress from the dangerous routes you fly? Just curious. I have a friend who is (was) working ATC here and somehow made it to retirement. Some of these airline jobs are a real headache, for sure.
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:56 PM   #35
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I'm sure flying cargo jets is way safer than driving trucks on the interstate, but did you see the news today:

Pilot, co-pilot killed in fiery UPS cargo plane crash at Alabama airport - U.S. News

I'm sure this will not help your feelings of stress right now.
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Old 08-15-2013, 08:17 AM   #36
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I would ask an employment lawyer to call HR to ask about a leave of absence due to stress. Take 6 months off, perhaps paid, try an find a better situation that both of you are comfortable with. Definitely get a lawyer to ask the questions.
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Old 08-15-2013, 12:07 PM   #37
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. After reading all these post it would seem almost all are in favor of getting out of the stressful situation now rather than keeping my head down and plugging away for a few more years to reach FI.

I tend to agree, it's not worth the toll that the stress takes out of you.

It seem like my DW is getting a lot of the blame in not helping or sympathizing with the situation. I have to admit that I am not very good at communicating my feelings, actually terrible at it.
I can open up here anonymously better than one on one with her, so she probably doesn't fully grasp the problem.
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Old 08-15-2013, 01:33 PM   #38
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. After reading all these post it would seem almost all are in favor of getting out of the stressful situation now rather than keeping my head down and plugging away for a few more years to reach FI.

I tend to agree, it's not worth the toll that the stress takes out of you.

It seem like my DW is getting a lot of the blame in not helping or sympathizing with the situation. I have to admit that I am not very good at communicating my feelings, actually terrible at it.
I can open up here anonymously better than one on one with her, so she probably doesn't fully grasp the problem.
John Gottman and his wife have a lot of great research based books, workshops and DVDs on couples communication. Many of the exercises are geared towards getting couples to share in each others dreams and interests.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:56 PM   #39
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. After reading all these post it would seem almost all are in favor of getting out of the stressful situation now rather than keeping my head down and plugging away for a few more years to reach FI.

I tend to agree, it's not worth the toll that the stress takes out of you.

It seem like my DW is getting a lot of the blame in not helping or sympathizing with the situation. I have to admit that I am not very good at communicating my feelings, actually terrible at it.
I can open up here anonymously better than one on one with her, so she probably doesn't fully grasp the problem.
Sorry you are in a tough spot, Rdy. All of our levels of stress are different so I can't relate exactly to your feelings. I dabbled half heartedly in change of careers, and ultimately am glad I didn't change, because it ultimately was the best most direct path for ER. You mentioned previously 3 more years is all you need. Does that mean complete financial independence and no more work ever needed to do? Before you switch jobs/careers, try to envision yourself 5 years from now. Would it be bliss in knowing you haven't done a lick of work in 2 years with a joyful wife who was able to continue her happily stay at home status? Or could it be you or both toiling away still in an unsatisfying job(s) with several more years to go wishing you had sucked it up and finished the whole thing off and been done with it 2 years ago? Just a counter thought to consider as sometimes our minds don't see things in the future they way they are in the present.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:59 PM   #40
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Thanks to everyone for the advice. After reading all these post it would seem almost all are in favor of getting out of the stressful situation now rather than keeping my head down and plugging away for a few more years to reach FI.
And yet, there was another, similar thread recently, and a lot of people there were saying to stick it out. I'm not sure what the difference is. YMMV, depending on the people who choose to respond.

Quote:
It seem like my DW is getting a lot of the blame in not helping or sympathizing with the situation. I have to admit that I am not very good at communicating my feelings, actually terrible at it.

I can open up here anonymously better than one on one with her, so she probably doesn't fully grasp the problem.
Yeah, that makes sense. A lot of guys (including me) have trouble with that.

You need her on board. So, you really should open up to her about how miserable you are.

One option is to print out this thread and have her look it over. You might warn her in advance that some people (ahem) misunderstood her role, because they didn't realize you hadn't ever expressed yourself to her about this.

That'll just be the start. You'll have to really get the message across, in your speech and body language, so that she really gets it. Men usually get hung up not wanting to appear weak and fragile, so they don't let people know how much they're hurting. Or they get into trying to protect the women in their lives ("I don't want her to worry"). I'd suggest you push past those fears and let her know exactly how you've been feeling.

I think she'll start to pitch in and help, once she knows how much you're hurting. She probably just doesn't realize.
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