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Old 12-21-2008, 03:12 PM   #61
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Have you heard from your daugher since the hang up?
My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.
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Old 12-21-2008, 03:28 PM   #62
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My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.
Again I'd stick with your original instincts, $2,500 as a wedding gift.

Giving more is not going to change the relationship - you can only change the dynamic through your actions, not money, and her meeting you halfway. That's worthwhile, forget about the money...
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Old 12-21-2008, 04:54 PM   #63
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You offered $2,500 for the wedding, she acted like a jerk. I think you should send her a letter that talks about the current economy, extend your best wishes and include the contribution you offered.

As a wedding gift send her a couple books on money management.

After she is married for 10 years, and if your finances permit, you can consider sending her a nice anniversary gift.

My take: if this marriage lasts thank your lucky stars. Her Mother hasn't done a good job preparing her for the real world.

Weddings can be expensive. My husband and I told our kids what we could contribute and they managed the event from there.
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Old 12-21-2008, 05:13 PM   #64
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Awkward all around. My parents were gone so no contribution to any wedding for me. My husband's parents threw in $500. We went and saw a judge and drove to Thunder Bay Ontario for Vietnamese food and an overnight.

I suggest sitting down with your daughter and having a heart to heart about marriage, expectations, the fallen stock market, love and worries.

And then decide on what you want to give her.
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Old 12-21-2008, 06:06 PM   #65
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You offered $2,500 for the wedding, she acted like a jerk. I think you should send her a letter that talks about the current economy, extend your best wishes and include the contribution you offered.

As a wedding gift send her a couple books on money management.

After she is married for 10 years, and if your finances permit, you can consider sending her a nice anniversary gift.

My take: if this marriage lasts thank your lucky stars. Her Mother hasn't done a good job preparing her for the real world.

Weddings can be expensive. My husband and I told our kids what we could contribute and they managed the event from there.
This sounds like the best idea to me - except I wouldn't send a letter "about the current economy". I'd save the letter part for telling her how much you love her, are proud of her, & wishing them well.

Maybe include along with the books a few recent news clippings on recent mortgage foreclosures & people losing half their life savings in their 401k's.
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Old 12-21-2008, 06:56 PM   #66
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This sounds like the best idea to me - except I wouldn't send a letter "about the current economy". I'd save the letter part for telling her how much you love her, are proud of her, & wishing them well.

Maybe include along with the books a few recent news clippings on recent mortgage foreclosures & people losing half their life savings in their 401k's.the economy with the books on money management.
I like your version better.

It is important to manage relationships with the long term impact in mind.
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:21 PM   #67
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Crispus, IMHO her 40 year old husband should be ashamed to do anything but pay for the whole kit and kaboodle himself. DH and I have been married for 34 years and we paid for the whole thing. The $700 got us stuffed cabbage, oven-fried chicken, sauerkraut and kielbasa and a big pan of mashed potatoes all homemade by relatives and served in the Whitney Towers apartment complex party room. The tables came from the high school cafeteria where my husband worked, complete with profanities scratched into the tops. We played records and had a ball. Then there is my friend who wanted so badly to fulfill her daughter's wish for a fairytale wedding that she took out a HELOC for $35,000. The dream marriage lasted exactly 15 months. It might be just me but I think the amount of money spent on weddings is obscene. Don't give one dime more than you are comfortable with.
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:32 PM   #68
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Crispus, IMHO her 40 year old husband should be ashamed to do anything but pay for the whole kit and kaboodle himself.
What I can't figure, what does a 25 year old woman want with a 40 year old guy with 3 kids who can't even step up and pay for the wedding?

At 25 she is on top of her game. Why not play it while longer?
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:38 PM   #69
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Awkward all around. My parents were gone so no contribution to any wedding for me. My husband's parents threw in $500. We went and saw a judge and drove to Thunder Bay Ontario for Vietnamese food and an overnight.

I suggest sitting down with your daughter and having a heart to heart about marriage, expectations, the fallen stock market, love and worries.

And then decide on what you want to give her.
It never occurred to me that my parents should pay anything towards my wedding. Mother did send both of us t-shirts from the Pink Pony Pub.
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:29 PM   #70
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What I can't figure, what does a 25 year old woman want with a 40 year old guy with 3 kids who can't even step up and pay for the wedding?
DING! DING! DING!

That is the $64,000 question!

Count me in the camp wondering what self-respecting 40 year old man - making $100k a year - would go along with his future wife pulling this on her folks.
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:55 PM   #71
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"Traditionally" the bride's family pays for the wedding, the husband's pays for the rehearsal dinner, the husband for the honeymoon.

"Traditionally" the bride does not live with her future husband before the wedding.

Tradition does not seem to be applicable here. What is relevant is a long term relationship with the daughter.

Wedding custom depends on the family's culture. In Norway, my grandfather's era, a wedding was a religious ceremony followed by a community pot-luck - often the bride was pregnant because reproduction was a basic requirement for a family. Husband and I had an Anglican church wedding with a light buffet at the Garden Club. My daughter married into a family of Portuguese background... church wedding with a full-meal-deal at a four-star hotel. In no case did anyone co-habit prior to marriage. Different traditions.

OP should reflect on the wedding he and the bride's mother had many years ago.
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:05 PM   #72
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OP should reflect on the wedding he and the bride's mother had many years ago.
Give the guy a break; he's miserable enough already...
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:16 PM   #73
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That thought occured to me too. Weddings bring out the bridezilla in many a gal. He may regret this relationship. Breaking marriage plans are difficult and complicating this is the fact that both their names are on a mortgage (I presume).
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Old 12-22-2008, 10:11 AM   #74
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My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.
I think you can assume there is a lot going on behind the scenes. Is any of your daughter's "hissiness" coming from her fiance's coaching? 40 year old mean with kids aren't starry-eyed kids. They KNOW what's going on.

More likely your daughter has bought into the whole "bride is a princess" thing, so she wants to spend big moolah because its her "big day".

DW and I paid for our whole wedding ourselves, because her dad was on Medicaid and my parents gave gave us $250 (huge amount, if you knew my parents). I think out total wedding cost was around $10,000..........
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:26 PM   #75
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My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.
Case closed, gavel raps. Next case?

Seriously, this whole thing smacks of love = money.

I think your offer of $2500 is extremely generous. Given by YOUR choice and as an independent gift, you will not be sucked into paying for more of the inevitable runaway wedding and reception costs. I'm a woman BTW and I am appalled at the hangup, ongoing "it's not enough" and "gimme" tactics.
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:32 PM   #76
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"Traditionally" the bride's family pays for the wedding, the husband's pays for the rehearsal dinner, the husband for the honeymoon.

"Traditionally" the bride does not live with her future husband before the wedding.
Right. And "traditionally," we know why the bride wore white.

It seems like we (collectively as a society) are picking and choosing which "traditions" we keep because we like them and which we are railing against as unfair or discriminatory because we don't like how they negatively impact us. "Tradition" is great is when it benefits us and it sucks as an oppressive anachronism that needs to be overcome when it harms us, isn't it?

As one example, if we don't expect the bride to be a virgin any more when she wears white, why do we still expect the father of the bride to pay for it all?
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:42 PM   #77
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Right. And "traditionally," we know why the bride wore white.

It seems like we (collectively as a society) are picking and choosing which "traditions" we keep because we like them and which we are railing against as unfair or discriminatory because we don't like how they negatively impact us. "Tradition" is great is when it benefits us and it sucks as an oppressive anachronism that needs to be overcome when it harms us, isn't it?

As one example, if we don't expect the bride to be a virgin any more when she wears white, why do we still expect the father of the bride to pay for it all?
Only one reason- the bridal industry is a large and profitable one. After the 70s I expected that big expensive weddings would never come back. Why not everybody get married on the beach or in a park? But I underestimated the power of commercial persuasion.

Ha
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:44 PM   #78
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Right. And "traditionally," we know why the bride wore white.

It seems like we (collectively as a society) are picking and choosing which "traditions" we keep because we like them and which we are railing against as unfair or discriminatory because we don't like how they negatively impact us. "Tradition" is great is when it benefits us and it sucks as an oppressive anachronism that needs to be overcome when it harms us, isn't it?

As one example, if we don't expect the bride to be a virgin any more when she wears white, why do we still expect the father of the bride to pay for it all?
Look at the bright side, if we were in one of those oppressive anachronism society, Dad would be expected to pay for an operation to restore a brides "virginity" and then fork over the money for the wedding.

Ziggy's point is quite valid, the Chinese menu approach to traditions allows one side (generally but not always the kids) to manipulate the other side.
Parents had a heck of lot more influence over their children's life choice 40 or 50 years ago and so the monetary obligation was a bit easier to swallow. Spending several months salary to pay for daughters wedding to the nice 30 year never married doctor would feel better than this situation.
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Old 12-22-2008, 05:23 PM   #79
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Never been in this position, but I cringe at bridezillas. Here's my suggestion:

Handwrite DD a loving and thoughtful fatherly letter on the joys and challenges of marriage and wish her and her future husband well for a lifetime together through life's ups and downs. Include your check, explaining that it represents what you can afford at this time. Make it clear that you will always be there for her. This should be the kind of letter that any daughter would want to cherish for a lifetime. Only a hard hearted person could throw cold water on this package!
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Old 12-22-2008, 05:34 PM   #80
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Look at the bright side, if we were in one of those oppressive anachronism society, Dad would be expected to pay for an operation to restore a brides "virginity" and then fork over the money for the wedding.
........
However in those societies Dad gets to pick the groom or at least has veto power.
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