AAAGH! She just retired, and now she wants to work?

[whitestick]

Please help with constructive ideas. My DW just retired about 3 weeks ago, and was starting to relax and get a lot of things done around the house that she has been wanting to do for a long time. Today, she announced that she is thinking of going back to work, 'cause she misses the "structure". I'm the first to admit to being a laid back take life as it comes kind of guy, but I just cannot understand this. She complained about her j**b for years, and now that she has the freedom to do anything she wants to (within fiscal reason of course), she wants to tie herself down, so we can't just take off at the drop of a hat to travel, see the grandkid, take a class, or whatever.
I'm frustrated now.
I have about 21 months till I retire, and I'm stumped.
Please explain this to me, and offer suggestions, you folks that have successfully retired and stayed that way.

 

[Nords]

Please help with constructive ideas. My DW just retired about 3 weeks ago, and was starting to relax and get a lot of things done around the house that she has been wanting to do for a long time. Today, she announced that she is thinking of going back to work, 'cause she misses the "structure". I'm the first to admit to being a laid back take life as it comes kind of guy, but I just cannot understand this. She complained about her j**b for years, and now that she has the freedom to do anything she wants to (within fiscal reason of course), she wants to tie herself down, so we can't just take off at the drop of a hat to travel, see the grandkid, take a class, or whatever.
I'm frustrated now.
I have about 21 months till I retire, and I'm stumped.
Please explain this to me, and offer suggestions, you folks that have successfully retired and stayed that way.

You gotta be kidding me. How long have you been married?!?

"Sure, honey, whatever you want to do sounds fine with me. As long as it doesn't make you complain like your last job... It'd be nice to only have to deal with one work schedule so that we could take off at the drop of a hat, but when I retire we'll have to figure out how we're spending our new lives together!"

Buy her an Ernie Zelinski book, and maybe Bob Clyatt's book, and then stand clear. She needs to work this out for herself instead of on your hide...

 

[chinaco]

Tell her to give it a couple of months first. Then make a decision. She has not decompressed yet.

Help her work through the issue by decomposing her feelings to see what she is really missing. It could be the social interaction. Or she could be in a semi-panic (new identity crisis).

If she needs some sort of "job like" situation to fill the void left from years of working (i.e., the rut), have her consider volunteering. There are plenty of things that she can do outside the home that will lend both structure and fulfillment, along with flexibility. Plus, unlike a regular job, she has the flexibility to try several things until she finds something that suits her. It is not like volunteering is a lifelong commitment. Just have her explain to the group that she is exploring and trying to identify a volunteer job. They will hook her up with someone as a tag along so she can ease in or ease out if a particular volunteer job does not work for her.

• She could volunteer at the local hospital. They are often eager for people who do non-medical stuff (greet and direct... provide information at a booth)
• Local church
• Local food bank
• Help elderly shut-ins with meals on wheels or other support. The elderly people are really in need.
• Help the blind. People often lose their eyesight later in life due to a variety of problems. As they try to adjust, it is difficult. They need people to help them get groceries, basic stuff at home, just someone to talk to.

If you need the money... then a paycheck is the solution. If you do not need the money, then fulfilling the human need is gratifying. Nothing better than the self-satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone who is struggling... It is good for the soul!

 

[REWahoo]

Tell her to give it a couple of months first.

I don't know how it works around the chinaco household, but at the REW's house I've discovered things tend to work out much better when I "...ask her to give it a couple of months first."

 

[REWahoo]

Please explain this to me, and offer suggestions, you folks that have successfully retired and stayed that way.

DW retired two years before I did. Six months after I retired she decided to go back to work providing daycare for three of our grandchildren. She's approaching the two year mark, the little darlings are wearing her out and I think I see signs that she's ready to give retirement a second try.

Based on my experience, Nords' advice is spot on. This is something she will have to work out for herself.

 

[sweetana3]

After five years of "retirement" I went back to work. Now DH and I will probably finally retire together (550 days to go) and I have plans of a part time volunteer job all lined up. No way can I stay at home with our without dear husband.

 

[chinaco]

I don't know how it works around the chinaco household, but at the REW's house I've discovered things tend to work out much better when I "...ask her to give it a couple of months first."

You state the obvious. If you parse the words too carefully... You will twist us both into semantic knots.

 

[yakers]

DW retired last year and I have 190 days to go. She is, identity wise, a teacher, even on vacation overseas she will visit schools and make friends. So when she retired she did 3 things, took a regular yoga class, a ministry class at our church and finally, a professional position with a local college where she places student teachers in classrooms and mentors them. Not much $ but she keeps the connection with teaching yet she has a flexible schedule. How well this will work when I retire next year is another question but so far it works for her.

 

[REWahoo]

You state the obvious. If you parse the words too carefully... You will twist us both into semantic knots.

Go ahead. Tell my DW that. I dare ya!

 

[Dawg52]

Bubba, you got it made. Let her work and bring in an income while you play golf all day. What is the problem?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Rule #1: the wife is always right.

Rule #2: when your wife is not right (and see rule #1), you arent right either.

Rule #3: if you disagree and become contentious with the wife, she will become more resolved to the matter.

Workable approach #1: Say "Gee honey, if thats what you really want to do...you might give it a little while...but whatever you want to do". Then never speak of the matter again.

There is no workable approach #2 or #3.

 

[VoyT]

DW retired two years before I did. Six months after I retired she decided to go back to work providing daycare for three of our grandchildren. She's approaching the two year mark, the little darlings are wearing her out and I think I see signs that she's ready to give retirement a second try.

I have a friend who recently went back to work .... and while she won't say it in so many words, I get the impression she did it in part so her children couldn't [-]dump the kids[/-] frequently ask her to babysit.

 

[CuppaJoe]

I would prefer a class to volunteering because it can be dropped without fuss as well as giving me structure, passion, identity as well as an explanation for what I do with all my time. It is also an amusing challenge to fend off questions like "what will you do with it, is there a career there?"

 

[Nords]

I would prefer a class to volunteering because it can be dropped without fuss as well as giving me structure, passion, identity as well as an explanation for what I do with all my time. It is also an amusing challenge to fend off questions like "what will you do with it, is there a career there?"

Maybe that's why some ERs pursue CPA certification... for decades.

 

[whitestick]

Sorry for the initial expression of frustration, it is just that we had been planning for the last two years, or at least I thought it was both of us, to have time to travel at the last minute, go exploring, and trying new things. It's not a matter of income, as I have been cranking the spreadsheets for the last couple of years to make sure that we are comfortable.

DW retired last year and I have 190 days to go. She is, identity wise, a teacher, even on vacation overseas she will visit schools and make friends. So when she retired she did 3 things, took a regular yoga class,

Yeah, except in my DW's case it is Tai Chi, and Spanish.
She also has kept the volunteering that she used to do from her work, and is adding more.
Her Tai Chi instructor told her that she is a Type A personality, and that she has to learn to relax some.
From past reading, I knew there would be an adjustment time to unwind and relax, but I certainly wasn't expecting her to reverse like that.
And NORDS it's been 40 years, and apparently she still keeps me guessing.

 

[tryan]

if she goes back, move up your retirement date. She might see the light.

 

[heyyou]

Let her find her way, for your sake. When she goes back to work, how can she complain about not liking it? When you retire, you will have time to listen after spending all day at this forum, between golf and naps. I might do some yardwork tomorrow, or the next day, if I get around to it.

 

[haha]

Rule #1: the wife is always right

Rule #2: when your wife is not right (and see rule #1), you arent right either.
Rule #3: if you disagree and become contentious with the wife, she will become more resolved to the matter.

Workable approach #1: Say "Gee honey, if thats what you really want to do...you might give it a little while...but whatever you want to do". Then never speak of the matter again.

There is no workable approach #2 or #3.

How did wives become such tyrants? I think it has something to do with modern divorce laws. "Obey me you worm or you will suffer big time."
Sometimes I wish I were a Saudi—clap- clap, you are gone. Go get a job at Wal-Mart.

But in America it is the retired husband who lands in Walmart- and don't think a greeter is as bad as it can get. A few weeks ago I ran across a guy cleaning commodes and urinals in the men's room at WalMart.- a guy who had owned a large farm implements dealership and lots of commercial/ industrial property. Then the Big D! Admittedly he was an obnoxious guy, but then aren't many of us?

Ha

 

[mb]

Ah c'mon haha. They're not tyrants . . . Er, ah YES DEAR, RIGHT AWAY DEAR, ANYTHING YOU SAY DEAR

 

[Cattusbabe]

Please help with constructive ideas. My DW just retired about 3 weeks ago, and was starting to relax and get a lot of things done around the house that she has been wanting to do for a long time. Today, she announced that she is thinking of going back to work, 'cause she misses the "structure". I'm the first to admit to being a laid back take life as it comes kind of guy, but I just cannot understand this. She complained about her j**b for years, and now that she has the freedom to do anything she wants to (within fiscal reason of course), she wants to tie herself down, so we can't just take off at the drop of a hat to travel, see the grandkid, take a class, or whatever.
I'm frustrated now.
I have about 21 months till I retire, and I'm stumped.
Please explain this to me, and offer suggestions, you folks that have successfully retired and stayed that way.

Might be much ado about nothing. She is just talking at this stage and we know women like to talk and throw out what ifs. Drives you guys crazy. It is early in her "retirement", three weeks is like staying home on vacation. I agree with Nords. Let her work it out. Maybe she does not like being the stay at home wife. With you still working for another 21 months you two really can't take off at the spur of the moment like you planned so she may be bored keeping house. Don't do the typical male thing and try to "fix" this for her. If she goes back to work bully for her. She may retire for good in another 21 months when you do.
I know I could not wait to quit after seeing DH chillin' around the house all day every day. I knew I wanted some of that.

 

[whitestick]

Drives you guys crazy.

Got that right!

Thanks Cattusbabe, you may be right, and I'm just overreacting. To me, I would be so gone doing things that I cannot do now, due to constraints of work, time demands, etc., that the door wouldn't be able to hit me in the a** on my way out. I guess I'll take your advice and wait another 21 months and see if she changes her mind again. It may just be talk.
Thanks.
I'll settle down now and go back to my [-]lurking[/-] observing of the wisdom here.

 

[LiveWell]

Its hard to know without more context but perhaps what you hear as "complaining about her job" may simply be her describing her day. People have a hard time being constantly positive about a topic. In society we're supposed to dislike our jobs and our bosses, aren't we? Its ingrained in pop-culture and so perhaps she's just trying to be "normal" and complain about her job like she's supposed to.

My DH sounds similar to your DW. He complains about his job but when I read between the lines he's simply describing his day-to-day frustrations and, well, venting. Sometimes he's looking for my advice or opinion on how to make things better or how to tackle a problem, but other times he just wants to make conversation. We're both still working but financially, ER will be possible very soon. For me I'm going to have no problem sliding into the ER lifestyle but for DH I think its going to be tough. I've tried bringing up my concern several times over the last 12 months or so and slowly I think he's staring to mull over what his life will be like in ER. He's not ready for it now, I can sense that, but I'm hopeful he's atleast thinking about it.

 

[whitestick]

complain about her job like she's supposed to.

No, I think I got a different impression when she said things like "I put in 7 hours to work my scheduled shift, and then when the night crew didn't show up, they called me back in for another 4 1/2 hours, and I'm so tired that I can barely make it to bed" or "They won't let me have a Saturday or Sunday off for the next two months, because it's Christmas season and all weekends off are canceled - I guess we won't be able to take the RV out till next year".
Or the straw that really got to her was, after working an extra 3 1/2 hours before her normal shift that day to make 512 cookies for the executives coming in from headquarters (which wasn't part of her normal job either), then the district executive after inspecting her work area complained rather viciously that she only had 7 hot dogs on display, instead of 8, and her store manager wouldn't defend her.
I don't think that was normal complaining about her job. But I may be wrong, as I just listened, as there was nothing I could do to fix it, other then remind her that we had enough put away to let her retire when she wanted to, and she chose that moment to do it.
That's why her need for "structure" just blows me away, but as Cattusbabe said, I may be over reacting.

 

[VoyT]

Maybe it's not so much that she wanted to retire as she just needed to change jobs ...

 

[Zoocat]

How did wives become such tyrants? I think it has something to do with modern divorce laws. "Obey me you worm or you will suffer big time."
Sometimes I wish I were a Saudi—clap- clap, you are gone. Go get a job at Wal-Mart.

But in America it is the retired husband who lands in Walmart- and don't think a greeter is as bad as it can get. A few weeks ago I ran across a guy cleaning commodes and urinals in the men's room at WalMart.- a guy who had owned a large farm implements dealership and lots of commercial/ industrial property. Then the Big D! Admittedly he was an obnoxious guy, but then aren't many of us?

Ha

I agree that divorce sucks big time and it's too bad that divorce often causes financial hardship. The social contract STILL seems to dictate that women stay home and raise the kids (sometimes ruining their earning power) and the husband supports the family. And this is becoming even more entrenched with the younger generation of married families because young people were raised by parents who both worked and the kids felt the deprivation. So now the young mothers really want to be stay at home moms so their kids won't feel that way. So I don't know what the solution is but I think it's unfair to point the finger at ex-wives who "force" divorced men into Walmart jobs. Those men enjoyed the benefits of dependent wives during their marriage. If they didn't or couldn't provide enough retirement savings for both spouses, then that's the breaks, I guess.

Women certainly need to be thinking twice and thrice about how marriage and having children will affect their earning power. Neither men nor women want to end up working at Walmart or cleaning toliets if divorce enters their lives, which it does more often than not in our country. I don't know why there is so much denial about the real possibility of divorce. I think that marriage really needs to become viewed literally as a legal partnership and the whole romantic mystic needs to be pushed aside. But that's wishful thinking on my part, I'm sure.