Hi, I am new here and came for advice.
I am almost 37, married, and I work from home as a freelance book editor. I came to the States in 2007 to be with my American husband, who was born in the USA but raised in the UK from age 9 and hated it with a passion, and always wanted to return home to the US, so we did. So all my family is in the UK. It's a better life here; England is falling apart at the seams, although the US does have some serious problems, as we know.
I am posting here because neither my dad nor I know how to help my mother. I am looking for insights and any shared experiences, and I suppose any comfort someone can offer, because I don't think anyone can help her, and I'm so sad about it.
My mum loved her job at her local council and did not want to retire at all. But my dad made her retire as she was 65 and he was 68 at that time, and he wanted to travel the world with her. They now go on frequent lovely holidays and long cruises.
My mother is now 68. Since retiring over three years ago, my mother refuses to take up any interests, see her precious life-long friends who live 400 miles away in her hometown, do any exercise, take any courses - she has zero interest in living a healthy, positive life. She eats rubbish and is significantly overweight now - more so than I have ever seen her. Her utter disregard for her health is even more crazy because she is a breast cancer survivor - she had it 13 years ago.
I don't think she is exactly depressed, because she laughs and jokes and is generally her old self. But my parents are visiting America at the moment and today she couldn't even climb two flights of stairs in a store. Dad says she is getting old, she can't walk so far, she won't do anything without him, she gets breathless, and he's worried about her. She couldn't reach up to get something off a high shelf today either, something I could reach without too much difficulty and I'm not too much taller than her.
It's difficult to convey in a post just how mulish and stubborn she is. She is perfectly pleasant and happy until you mention anything about her attitude to her life and health. Then, she gets more defensive more quickly than you could ever imagine. So I despair of helping her.
Tonight I remarked that when I was swimming with my sister's toddler twins a few months ago, I noticed that one of them was much much heavier in my arms than the other, even though they're the same age and height. And my mum said, "And being heavy isn't BAD!" Well actually, yes it is Mum, it's seriously bad for your health. And when I lost some weight, she got super-defensive and made a couple of uncalled-for remarks - and I was talking about my own weight, not hers! She seems to have serious issues about her weight - she knows how big she is, but seems doggedly determined not to do anything about it. I am worried for her health, especially with her cancer of 13 years ago. She belongs to a beautiful health club but rarely goes because she wants Dad to go with her, but it's not his thing and he has lots of other interests. I think she really doesn't like to spend any time alone as she's an extrovert.
I have bought her books about retirement and sent her a brochure for some lovely local courses on arts and crafts and painting. She is talented at drawing, used to make beautiful sugared-rose wedding cakes, and take French classes. But all those things went by the wayside many, many years ago and she has been retired for three years now, and has not shown any interest whatsoever.
When she retired, my sister told me she said "I'm just waiting to die." My dad said he thought, "thanks very much." He's a super-organised Type A who planned his retirement for five years beforehand and is having a great time, so no worries there. But Mum's state worries him, and when they came last year it was just the same and nothing has changed in a year, except mum is deteriorating physically.
For whatever reason, she refuses to have friends, interests or to take any heed whatsoever of her health. She seems happy enough and enjoys her holidays so I don't think she has proper depression, exactly. I wonder if her attitude is resentment at being made to retire. I get the feeling she would have her old job back in a microsecond if she could, and I bet she'd seem five years younger instantly if that happened. But there's no way back, and Dad has worked hard for fifty years and now wants to enjoy his golden years with his spouse. Can hardly blame him.
But here's the real thing: I am finding it so hard to step back and watch herself do everything possible to hasten deterioration, or so it seems. She is killing herself softly and will brook no interference, no help, nothing. What on earth do I do?
The other thing is, I feel angry at her because she has treated her body with utter abandon all these years - never taking a shred of exercise and eating all the wrong things. She just doesn't seem to give a flying fig about her health and never has.
She has three grandchildren but my sister isn't very nice and goes months without seeing my parents. They live a three-hour drive away from each other in England. My mother is over-invested in the idea of me having a baby, even though I am far from ready for that. All she wants to do is spend time with her children and grandchildren, but my sister is very busy with her three and I live 3,500 miles away.
Big question: Do I confront my mother and give her a kick up the backside? I am actually very scared to do so, as the extent of her defensiveness is quite hideous. Or do I see that as Dad's job? He is not a gentle or understanding person. If she goes downhill so much that she dies in the next 3 years, which I can see happening, will I regret not having tried? Or do I accept that she is just impossible about all this, and avoid damaging my relationship with her?
My mother is the sweetest, loveliest person who was a storybook mummy and always used to love helping others. She has made a point, her whole life, never to speak ill of others. It is terrible to see my lovely mother like this.
Sorry for the long email. I just don't really know who to turn to, and my capable, intelligent, fix-anything dad is at a complete loss as well.
I am almost 37, married, and I work from home as a freelance book editor. I came to the States in 2007 to be with my American husband, who was born in the USA but raised in the UK from age 9 and hated it with a passion, and always wanted to return home to the US, so we did. So all my family is in the UK. It's a better life here; England is falling apart at the seams, although the US does have some serious problems, as we know.
I am posting here because neither my dad nor I know how to help my mother. I am looking for insights and any shared experiences, and I suppose any comfort someone can offer, because I don't think anyone can help her, and I'm so sad about it.
My mum loved her job at her local council and did not want to retire at all. But my dad made her retire as she was 65 and he was 68 at that time, and he wanted to travel the world with her. They now go on frequent lovely holidays and long cruises.
My mother is now 68. Since retiring over three years ago, my mother refuses to take up any interests, see her precious life-long friends who live 400 miles away in her hometown, do any exercise, take any courses - she has zero interest in living a healthy, positive life. She eats rubbish and is significantly overweight now - more so than I have ever seen her. Her utter disregard for her health is even more crazy because she is a breast cancer survivor - she had it 13 years ago.
I don't think she is exactly depressed, because she laughs and jokes and is generally her old self. But my parents are visiting America at the moment and today she couldn't even climb two flights of stairs in a store. Dad says she is getting old, she can't walk so far, she won't do anything without him, she gets breathless, and he's worried about her. She couldn't reach up to get something off a high shelf today either, something I could reach without too much difficulty and I'm not too much taller than her.
It's difficult to convey in a post just how mulish and stubborn she is. She is perfectly pleasant and happy until you mention anything about her attitude to her life and health. Then, she gets more defensive more quickly than you could ever imagine. So I despair of helping her.
Tonight I remarked that when I was swimming with my sister's toddler twins a few months ago, I noticed that one of them was much much heavier in my arms than the other, even though they're the same age and height. And my mum said, "And being heavy isn't BAD!" Well actually, yes it is Mum, it's seriously bad for your health. And when I lost some weight, she got super-defensive and made a couple of uncalled-for remarks - and I was talking about my own weight, not hers! She seems to have serious issues about her weight - she knows how big she is, but seems doggedly determined not to do anything about it. I am worried for her health, especially with her cancer of 13 years ago. She belongs to a beautiful health club but rarely goes because she wants Dad to go with her, but it's not his thing and he has lots of other interests. I think she really doesn't like to spend any time alone as she's an extrovert.
I have bought her books about retirement and sent her a brochure for some lovely local courses on arts and crafts and painting. She is talented at drawing, used to make beautiful sugared-rose wedding cakes, and take French classes. But all those things went by the wayside many, many years ago and she has been retired for three years now, and has not shown any interest whatsoever.
When she retired, my sister told me she said "I'm just waiting to die." My dad said he thought, "thanks very much." He's a super-organised Type A who planned his retirement for five years beforehand and is having a great time, so no worries there. But Mum's state worries him, and when they came last year it was just the same and nothing has changed in a year, except mum is deteriorating physically.
For whatever reason, she refuses to have friends, interests or to take any heed whatsoever of her health. She seems happy enough and enjoys her holidays so I don't think she has proper depression, exactly. I wonder if her attitude is resentment at being made to retire. I get the feeling she would have her old job back in a microsecond if she could, and I bet she'd seem five years younger instantly if that happened. But there's no way back, and Dad has worked hard for fifty years and now wants to enjoy his golden years with his spouse. Can hardly blame him.
But here's the real thing: I am finding it so hard to step back and watch herself do everything possible to hasten deterioration, or so it seems. She is killing herself softly and will brook no interference, no help, nothing. What on earth do I do?
The other thing is, I feel angry at her because she has treated her body with utter abandon all these years - never taking a shred of exercise and eating all the wrong things. She just doesn't seem to give a flying fig about her health and never has.
She has three grandchildren but my sister isn't very nice and goes months without seeing my parents. They live a three-hour drive away from each other in England. My mother is over-invested in the idea of me having a baby, even though I am far from ready for that. All she wants to do is spend time with her children and grandchildren, but my sister is very busy with her three and I live 3,500 miles away.
Big question: Do I confront my mother and give her a kick up the backside? I am actually very scared to do so, as the extent of her defensiveness is quite hideous. Or do I see that as Dad's job? He is not a gentle or understanding person. If she goes downhill so much that she dies in the next 3 years, which I can see happening, will I regret not having tried? Or do I accept that she is just impossible about all this, and avoid damaging my relationship with her?
My mother is the sweetest, loveliest person who was a storybook mummy and always used to love helping others. She has made a point, her whole life, never to speak ill of others. It is terrible to see my lovely mother like this.
Sorry for the long email. I just don't really know who to turn to, and my capable, intelligent, fix-anything dad is at a complete loss as well.
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