Mom is living with us

[vicente solano]

I know this is a delicate and sensitive issue but I need to tell somebody how I feel, which is.....trapped in my own house. When she came I told her to make herself at home. And she most certainly did!
She has her own room with all the fixtures, but she is never there. She is a chain smoker and I am trying to stay quit. 12 hours a day of TV in the family room when it used to be off. Intruding and constantly meddling in our conversation. No intimacy of any kind. The last one to go to bed and the first up. Letting at all time her presence known. Constantly watching us she is pusshing us to barely used parts of our home.
She cant stand any sort of advice or comment: the result-dignified silence, hurt pride and sulkiness.
I could go on.... But I think all of you get the picture.
Should I have a showdown with her, setting basic reasonable limits....or...there is nothing to be done.
Ah....There are 9 of us siblings, but I have this ominous feeling of being the one stuck with this situation.

 

[NW-Bound]

Oh boy!

I do not think a showdown is good, but a talk is needed. It appears that there might have been some confrontation already, judging from your post. People need their personal space, and I think there should be a way you can tell her that the constant-on TV should be the one in her room.

And welcome back. Long time no see.

 

[Meadbh]

Welcome back Vicente!

This is a sticky situation. We must respect our parents, but we have rights too.

What does your DW think? If this is difficult for you, it must be worse for her. My first suggestion is for the two of you to agree on what your expectations are. For example, it is perfectly reasonable, for health reasons, to decide that your home will be a no smoking zone. I realize that this is culturally very difficult in Spain, but you might be able to get support from your doctor. Second, you might consider negotiating some house rules about privacy. But you cannot easily control your mother's behaviour. Third, it is time for your siblings to step up to the plate. At least get one of them to invite your mother for a few weeks.

I seem to recall that you had similar concerns some years ago about a young nephew. Presumably he moved on?

 

[vicente solano]

It is not that easy to have that talk. Whenever I want to address any issue related to what Ive mentioned, she either dodges the topic, pretends it has nothing to do with her, says she isn'n welcome or gets into a sullen mood.

 

[Alan]

Sorry to hear of this situation Vincente, I can't imagine how stressful it must be. How is your wife coping?

Some good friends of ours had a similar situation with a very demanding and tiresome mother of the husband. However, his 2 brothers, who lived in different States were more than willing to share the load so they used to take turns throughout the year to have her staying with them.

They did have one situation where our friends, who live in Louisiana, were on vacation over a long weekend in New York City. They got back to the hotel one evening to find a note asking them to call the husband's brother. (this was before cell phones). He had got the dates wrong and his mother was sitting in the airport in Louisiana waiting to be picked up. He had to call a neighbor who had a key to their house and they picked up his mother, who by then had spent many hours in the airport.

 

[razztazz]

says she isn'n welcome

Maybe you could work on this part? She seems pretty robust. Jack her up and put it to her, give her a few days or a week to get the message, then call the cops.

That line above about "we must respect our parents"? That's a two-way street.

 

[Bestwifeever]

So nice to see a post from you, Vicente, even if it's about such an irritation. It is difficult when your extreme kindness in taking your mother into your home is being abused by her.

Good luck in resolving this problem.

Have a little meeting with her. Point our how much you love her and welcome her into YOUR home, and that you are happy to generously offer your hospitality to her. Ask her if she needs anything. Then set down the rules, based on what bothers you the most from your post:

No smoking except in __________ (You specify where she can smoke). (She is a chain smoker and I am trying to stay quit.)
No television in the family room in the daytime (she surely has a television in her room?) (12 hours a day of TV in the family room when it used to be off.)
Be respectful of you and your wife. (Intruding and constantly meddling in our conversation. No intimacy of any kind.)
Stay in her room between __________ (you specify--midnight til 7 am?) (The last one to go to bed and the first up. Letting at all time her presence known. Constantly watching us she is pusshing us to barely used parts of our home.)

She will probably have her feelings hurt and sulk and and not talk to you. Just ignore that and stick to the rules. In a few days she will come around. Just like a toddler or a teenager.

 

[Silver]

Is this living arrangement intended to be permanent?

 

[vicente solano]

I would have thought that for somebody who has always claimed/boasted to be an independent self-reliant and solitary kind of person, to have a room for herself would be much aporeciated. I gues I am/was wrong.....
Another thought: our having de facto allowed her to do what she wants -like in no other place - will convince her that ....Where can she possibly be/go and be more confortable than in my house....?

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Sorry to hear about your tough situation. I agree with Meadbh you have the right to make the inside of your house a no smoking zone. I guess that is a more common kind of house rule in the U.S. Many nonsmoking households here do not allow anyone to smoke inside their homes, and that often applies even when one of the spouses smokes and one doesn't.

Do you have a senior center or some place she could do volunteer work during the day? Can you let her have a TV in her room and take the TV out of the family / living rooms altogether? Or set no TV hours in the shared spaces? I think if it is your house you have the right to have some reasonable agreements.

You can frame it that you are concerned about her health. Chain smoking and watching TV all day can't be very healthy anyone mentally or physically.

 

[vicente solano]

Is this living arrangement intended to be permanent?

In principle, all 9 of us have to share the responsability. But the bottom line is that it seems my wife and me is the most convenient solution, being as we are so timid....Previously one of my sisters practically evicted her before her three month term was due. Now Mom has warned us all that she is not a suitcase and isnt about to move out....

 

[razztazz]

NINE sharing responsibility? Is splitting the cost nine ways for her own place a possibility? That way everybody is off the hook putting up with her shenanigans but everyone is taking responsibility. Then you can all change your phone numbers.

 

[vicente solano]

I think Ill be brave enough -fat chance- to challenge her with some of your items of advice when her stay is near the end of my theoretical term of duty. Otherwise Ill add -to ourselves- insult to injury by having to put up with her bad mood for a long time.

 

[FIREd]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Vicente.

However, my mom and mother-in-law are both strong European matriarchs and they fit your mom's description surprisingly well. When they come to visit, they just take over and pushing back creates a lot of tension. We are very familiar with the "dignified silence, hurt pride and sulkiness". My wife tends to "let it be" with her mother while I have a more abrasive personality and tend go for the showdown. All I can say is that my wife gets a lot less respect from her mom than I do. MIL keeps pushing DW's limits, but she knows mine very well.

 

[HFWR]

God how I loath passive-aggressive behavior...

 

[Amethyst]

A vision of Mom duct-taped to the wall, a la "duct tape parenting," comes to mind. If it is OK to do this to little kids who won't behave, why not to old people who should know better?

http://celebritybaby.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Tony-Hawk-422x422.jpg

 

[H2ODude]

Oh man does this strike a nerve. I've posted before about our case, and will spare the details. If there was ONE thing I would do differently in my 62 years it would be to NOT have built the addition for the MIL. Eight seemingly endless years ago.

She is not the domineering PIA you describe, but is just very very needy and frail, won't listen to what we tell her on how to use walker. In last five days she fell four times, including one face plant with massive facial bruising. When DW took her to Acute Care center, they sent her to ER. Hey, it was like any of the many other falls she has for her own refusal to do things safely. What does DW get for her 9 hours in the ER, waiting? Acusatory looks and questions like we're abusing her.

We have had it. But we don't seem to have the guts to place her. Yet. She has no assets and I'll be damned if I'll pay for her care. Which upon reading that sentence, boy are we PAYING for it in other ways. Inability to travel at will, DW constantly caregiving.

That's enough. I highly recommend anyone think twice before becoming the residence of a parent. If you do, you better set conditions up front right away. Part of our problem was that when she first came it was like...she was visiting again. So how do you start going out and leaving her home? (set up that you will go out without her once or twice a week, a simple condition). And be prepared for what can be one long painful commitment. I swore that if it got to adult diapers we'd be done; we've been through that after one fall that immobilized her.

Good luck. These are not easy problems to deal with. When I talked to an eldercare agency all I got was a lot of "you're not alone" and "yes, I can hear the frustration in your voice." That did a lot of good.

 

[Meadbh]

A vision of Mom duct-taped to the wall, a la "duct tape parenting," comes to mind. If it is OK to do this to little kids who won't behave, why not to old people who should know better?

http://celebritybaby.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Tony-Hawk-422x422.jpg

Careful now.....we don't want Vicente and DW to be accused of elder abuse!

 

[Amethyst]

If it's not child abuse, it's not elder abuse....nothing special about elders!

Careful now.....we don't want Vicente and DW to be accused of elder abuse!

 

[braumeister]

When my father was dying, I had to bring him out here for his terminal care, so I also had to bring my mom out here (she was 81 and half blind). It was tough to uproot her and bring her a thousand miles from everything she knew, so I had her stay with us for a couple of months at first. Oh boy! I can relate to much of what you're saying, Vicente. It was a real trial.

But when dad died, I used that as the trigger and explained to mom that our house wasn't big enough for all of us. She didn't quite see it that way, but I was firm. I got her an apartment about ten miles away, and she loved it. There were other people her age living nearby, and she made friends quickly. That might be a good approach for you to use when you talk with your mother.

A couple of those friends were still driving, so mom got to get around town a little, and she loved those trips. She also learned to ride the city bus to get around on her own. That was another benefit, since we lived far enough out of town that she would have been totally dependent on us.

Those were some very happy days for her, and she spoke fondly of them until she died fifteen years later.

 

[Silver]

My father lived with my husband (now former husband) and I for a little over five years before he died. I believe that this is at least partially responsible for that marriage ending. It certainly made our relationship much more tense and distant than before he moved in.

My father had dementia and multiple minor strokes. Because of the dementia he couldn't remember how to use the walker safely so I bought him an electric wheelchair because he was falling so much. H2ODude....I was thinking that perhaps your MIL would benefit from an electric WC as well.....just a thought. They are actually quite handy inside a home.

Vicente...it really is all up to you and your family how you want to deal with this. If you think you can successfully establish boundaries for her behavior in your home, that would be a start. But your own behavior will determine how successful the boundaries will be.

 

[Coffee Mavin]

It sounds like your mom is on a 3 month rotation through each of your homes - why is that? It does not sound like she needs care. Is she just broke?

Waiting until the end of her stay to outline the rules will not work. You need to sit down with her now and say that you realize that not outlining the house rules at the beginning was a mistake. Advise her that with extended stays, she is not a guest but a member of your household & give her the list of what that means, including being considerate of other household members. I would also tell her that these are your home rules to enable the relationship to work and to be able to welcome her back for future extended stays.

If you can't have that conversation, then instead of telling her the rules right before she leaves I would suggest you tell her that as an abusive guest she is not welcome back for more than a week at a time. You are going to make her just as mad either way, so I'd go for the final statement that makes your life livable.

 

[spncity]

For many reasons, and for a long while, it "seemed" that the only choice was for our mother to live with my sister and her husband. It got to where my sister started working longer hours because she dreaded going home to her own house...!

Now our mom is in a nice assisted living facility three miles from my sister's house and everyone is much happier, including mom. She has people catering to her, she likes the food and the activities, she can still go to the senior center on weekdays to see her friends (and a couple of her friends are in the same living center.)

That's not to say there are no challenges. Time is still devoted to visiting, taking her to church, to the doctor. But that's not the challenging part. Our mom tries to lay on the guilt about anything that does not go her way and play the "I'm-still-the-mother-and-you-should-obey-me" card on her adult children who are in their fifties. But that part was there before.

Most significant: the huge worry and stress cloud over all the siblings, especially my sister and her spouse, started lifting the day mom was admitted as a resident at the living center.

Kindest regards.

 

[Walt34]

I realize that cultural conditions are different in Spain but admittedly am clueless about what those differences are.

That said, like FIREd, I'd have a conversation with her. It would probably not end well. The conversation would go along the lines of:

1. This is OUR home. Not yours, and you will not dictate our living conditions. Yes, you are my mother and as such are deserving of some measure of respect. But the other side of that coin is for you to recognize that we are mature adults and we expect and deserve the same measure of respect and courtesy. We are not children and will not tolerate being treated as such.

2. The inside of the house is a no smoking zone. End of discussion. See item 1.

3. Again referring to item 1, the TV in the living room will not be on 12 hours a day. You have a TV in your room. Use that one.

If you feel that these are undue restrictions then by all means make other living arrangements.

vicente, the alternative is to continue living as you are now. A change is necessary.

 

[vicente solano]

Great advice from all of you. Thank you all. But sadly I am afraid that the subtle, polite and reasonable approach isn't going to do the trick. A few facts:
1. She doesn't have living friends here. What's worse she isn't interested in making new ones. She has always been rather antisocial, trait that now is very predominant.
2. She was very much spoiled by my father almost never confronted her.
3. She had few hobbies and now she has none. Sure, she is 86. She is very lucid but nothing really interests her.
4. She says that taking her out tires and hurts her. She wants to be left alone.
5. She doesn't want to spend time in her room because she gets bored. She says that she wants to be where the domestic action is, not to be left out.
6. As I've mentioned she avoids any discussion of the issues. Either ignores subtleties or gets easily offended.
7. Regarding her smoking, she says that at her age she couldn't care less about her health, and either doesn't believe in the harm inflicted on people around her or take it as an excuse to push her out or isolate her. For her smoking freely is the only thing that she likes that is left to her.
8. She says that her back pains are less frequent or intense if she moves around. She sleeps very little. Staying in bed does nothing to alleviate her disconfort.
9. She has no conversation skills. She states her opinions.
I could go on .....
Our hopes lie in the summer break: she has her own summer cottages where she has always stayed for the season where some of my siblings spend time there. Come Fall some one else has to take up the problem.... And then and only then Ill be able to plead the same excuses that are being used by my siblings if she wants to return home!