No funeral or memorial service

[travelover]

One of the nicest "funerals" I've been to was held several months after the death and cremation. It was a luncheon at a golf club and people stood up as they wished and shared memories and anecdotes about the deceased. A few relatives had well prepared presentations, others were just impromptu.

It provided closure for the living and I'm sure the deceased would have been pleased with the love and respect paid by the attendees. It was unique in that it was by invitation, but the widow knew who would be interested.

 

[harley]

Most of her family was religious and had traditional services with the minister giving the eulogy. Only the most recent one (her sibling) had someone briefly speak other than the minister.

If someone is an active churchgoer, and the minister knows them, that's one thing. But there's very little more depressing (IMO) that going to a funeral and listening to a standard eulogy by a minister for someone who is essentially a stranger. Even worse is when they get things wrong, or mispronounce the name or something.

I'm definitely leaning toward small and private, if not skipping it altogether. I'm an introvert in life, and should continue to be one in death.

 

[Nemo2]

Viewing a corpse isn't my idea of closure as I would much rather remember the departed as they were full of life and living.

When my late wife died, the funeral home representative, (she was cremated), asked me if I'd like a "Final viewing".........I told him "No, she's not there anymore, she's gone".

 

[braumeister]

Both my parents wanted direct cremation with no service, so that's what they got. I personally scattered their ashes at sea, which gave me good closure.

Both had outlived all their friends and most of their relatives, so there was never a problem.

When DW and I go, we plan to do the same for each other.

I suspect the whole process is easier for those of us who are not religious. I believe that since it's all about how the next of kin feel, they should be the ones deciding the matter.

 

[Midpack]

My Mom passed away last Aug, no funeral or service. The pastor at her church mentioned my Mom in the next Sundays services, but that was it. My Dad has the same plan. Long way off hopefully, but DW and I plan to go without funerals/services. Cremation and scattering. IF anyone asks, they can donate to their favorite charity.

IMO people who really care can memorialize lost loved ones without funeral services. Friends and family will remember us when they get together on their own, or not.

My MIL had an expensive, elaborate funeral-service-brunch, filled the Catholic church she hadn't attended regularly for over 20 years. Seemed over the top showy to me. YMMV

Is there a right or wrong answer? I'd say no.

 

[rodi]

For those considering med school donation you need to know the following things.

- You need to be close by a med school that takes donations. (UCSD med school is near us).
- You need to prearrange with a notarized form. It's not something you decide after a loved one dies.... they have to have notarized paper work on file before they die. (I have mine on file already.)
- Organ donation will take priority over cadaver use. For my dad they harvested corneas and skin (burn patients)... but the school still took the body. But most folks when they get old, have health issues (in my family's case - cancer) the organs would be declined anyway.

My sister and I were thrown for a loop when my brother insisted on burial. He did not want a lot of expense taken from his estate, however... We learned that there are similar caskets in the "cremation" side of the catalog as the "burial" side of the catalog... and they're 1/4 the cost. After asking some questions he was buried in a cremation casket. In death it was LBYMs.

 

[ponyboy]

My FIL is a funeral director and even I think funerals are dumb and a complete waste of money.

What you see at a viewing is not the person you remember. Its a hunk of meat...a shell if you will. I have no idea what kind of closure people get by looking at a still corpse.

I told my wife when I die I do not want any of that stuff. I want to be cremated immediately and whoever can do whatever they want with the burnt material that is left over...throw it out for all I care. Id rather my wife take the $5k that would be blown on viewing/burial/embalming etc and have a massive dinner somewhere nice for a group of people of her choosing. Celebrate my life instead of everyone moping around and shedding a tear. No one benefits from that kind of behavior. At least if people are fed it will provide some nourishment for their bodies.

 

[Midpack]

What you see at a viewing is not the person you remember. Its a hunk of meat...a shell if you will. I have no idea what kind of closure people get by looking at a still corpse.

I've never liked that tradition either. If it's voluntary I don't view, but sometimes it's basically unavoidable. I'd rather have my (visual) memories only of the person in life, not one of them after they're gone.

 

[athena53]

My parents (both alive in mid-80s) have columbarium niches in the church they've attended for decades. There WILL be a funeral Mass and that's OK- there's some magnificent requiem music out there. I could do without calling hours faeturing the embalmed, made-up body lying in repose, though. DH and I are Episcopalians and love ritual, so we couldn't imagine a send-off without a priest. I'm 15 years younger so likely to make these decisions first and am likely to scatter DH's ashes in bodies of water we've visited and loved over the years. (Darn good excuse for a tour of Europe!)


One other option if you're into criminology: there's a "body farm" in Tennessee associated with a university, where they eave bodies out under various conditions to observe how they decay. It's useful input for coroners trying to determine time of death. Not something I'd choose, but useful to society.

 

[Car-Guy]

Wouldn't it be nicer if people spent the money and gave the attention while the person was still alive to enjoy it? I note the trend toward referring to funerals as "celebrations of life"; in my view, people should put their money where their mouth is, and celebrate the person's actual life with the person actually there.

Then again, I am not big on the concept of "closure."

Well said, agree 100%.

 

[Nemo2]

Not something I'd choose, but useful to society.

At least it keeps you 'above ground' just a tad longer.

 

[Silver]

I do not want any acknowledgement of my passing. I want to be cremated and my ashes mixed together with the ashes of all my beloved pets. I don't care what happens to the ashes after that.


I have attended funerals and "celebrations of life", but have never felt any closure or any difference in the grief process. They have always just felt like an excuse for people to pretend they cared.

 

[cyber888]

Just give me a viking funeral. What's needed is - a old canoe w/ some hay, a lake, a bow and arrow. Drift my body to the lake, shoot a burning arrow to the canoe, and let it drift burning. Probably cost less than a funeral. LOL

 

[Bigdawg]

regarding the body, I don't think anyone has the right to occupy space after they die. There has been in excess of 100 trillion people on this earth (estimated) and over 7 trillion currently. Can you imagine if we all took up space in a cemetery? That is a lot of real estate.

 

[Bestwifeever]

The wife of DH's friend died and it was a week later that DH's friend told him she had been sick for four months (she opted for minimal, palliative treatment). She had been in the public eye early in her career for a couple of decades and it was a month before her death was learned of and reported by a few columnists. She and her husband were very private in their personal life and just didn't want the attention--her husband is one of the shyest people ever. I don't think there was even a small family funeral as they had no children and and sadly had had two close relatives pass away in the year before so I think the emotional weight would have killed her husband.

Personally, I would choose that nonmemorial but I have kids who wouldn't like it, and I'll be gone anyway. Imo closure is overrated. DH would enjoy a standing room only crowd himself. He'll never know....

 

[ponyboy]

regarding the body, I don't think anyone has the right to occupy space after they die. There has been in excess of 100 trillion people on this earth (estimated) and over 7 trillion currently. Can you imagine if we all took up space in a cemetery? That is a lot of real estate.

lol...wut?

you have your trillions and billions messed up. 7.1billion people currently and 110ish billion total throughout history.

 

[O2Bfree]

My dad died a couple years ago after several years of declining physical and mental health. We carried out his wishes for cremation with the only service being dropping his ashes in the middle of the local ferry run with a few close family members in observance. The ferry system does a fine job on this. They make an announcement and clear the top deck so the party can have a few private moments, and slow or stop the boat during the service (depending on the run) and blow the horn. Afterwards, they give you a lovely photo of a sunset over the water, with the latitude and longitude of where the ashes were placed.

Mom wants the same thing when her time comes. I think it's a little odd that neither want a large memorial service, since they are well-known business people in this town and accustomed to ceremonial events with their social club. I get the feeling they don't want a bunch of people saying things about them in front of a crowd when they're not present.

 

[athena53]

Wouldn't it be nicer if people spent the money and gave the attention while the person was still alive to enjoy it? I note the trend toward referring to funerals as "celebrations of life"; in my view, people should put their money where their mouth is, and celebrate the person's actual life with the person actually there.

It's possible to do both, you know. My Ex's grandmother, an Italian matriarch, was taken care of by her daughters when she couldn't live by herself. They each took her for a few months at a time. When she died at age 102, she was buried in one of the gaudiest caskets I've ever seen (a brass replica of the Pieta at each corner, brass bas- relief of The Last Supper on the long sides). She would have loved it but it's not something I'd pay for.

And, when Dad goes, which I hope will not be for awhile, I'll finally be able to tell what he just confessed to me last month: the baby chick my sister got one Easter, which grew into an obnoxious rooster whose crowing annoyed our suburban neighbors, did NOT run away. When we were out of the house with Mom (who knew about this), he decapitated it, then called his mother for help on butchering it, and it became dinner one night.

 

[Sue J]

A few months ago we saw a sign for an estate sale at our neighbor's house. We've lived adjacent to her for 33 years and she must have been in her 80s. The first thing I did was check the obituaries and she wasn't listed so I thought she had gone to assisted living or a nursing home. Another neighbor told DH that she had died last fall and the family didn't put any notices in the paper.

It was an odd feeling to find out that she had been dead for 6 months and we had no idea.

I've told my family that when I go they should donate anything usable and then I want to be cremated. I've specified no burial. They can keep the ashes until they are ready to let go and then I want to be sprinkled in a nearby river.

We buried my Dad last month and his very simple graveside service with a plain pine casket came to close to $8500. That doesn't include the plot and what we prepaid to the cemetery when Mom died in 2011. Because we used a double headstone we had fees to guarantee that his adjoining plot would be used. Then there are the costs of the stone and the engraving.

In January we pre-planned and prepaid for what we knew was upcoming for Dad. There were a few minor adjustments after the fact. In order to bury Dad, the double stone had to be moved - $250 was the largest additional charge.

There are three entities to deal with - the funeral home, the cemetery and the headstone company. Each one has their basic fees, their fees for your particular use of services and then some miscellaneous fee with a broad description. The funeral home charged us a cemetery fee that the cemetery had already been paid for back when Mom died. I had kept all the receipts and they quickly adjusted the charge.

We were lucky that Dad had enough money to cover all of this. It's got to be difficult when a loved one dies and you and your siblings have to come up with the money along with dealing with all the emotions.

 

[Revlefty]

If someone is an active churchgoer, and the minister knows them, that's one thing. But there's very little more depressing (IMO) that going to a funeral and listening to a standard eulogy by a minister for someone who is essentially a stranger. Even worse is when they get things wrong, or mispronounce the name or something.

As a minister, believe me, the only funeral harder to officiate than someone you don't know is a funeral service for someone you don't know, but the family has never had any religious affiliation, but feel obligated to have a minister bury them. What am I supposed to say?

On a different train of thought, last summer, I "officiated" at an Irish wake for a friend who I had played volleyball with. The family wanted only a private family service, but all his friends wanted to do something. So we sat around talking about memories, toasted him and then went out onto the sand and played a couple of games in his honor. That was the most fun "funeral" I've ever been a part of.

 

[MRG]

My parents passed 5 years apart, they were cremated. We had a church visitation for their friends and remaining family in the area. There was a second celebration for a couple of close family members and my siblings. We managed to take their remains back to where they honeymooned at 75 years prior. Watching the ashes sink into the deep waters was an amazing experience, I got more closure from that than the church service.

 

[Sarah in SC]

DH's father passed away last month, and had prepaid for a full service with a local company. He'd been unawares, living in a nursing home, for about 7 years. DH's mom really wanted the whole enchilada done, flowers, etc.

Honestly, it was all just creepy. The viewing (I was as politely unwilling as I could be) was macabre, and the only real highlight was a longtime friend who gave a heartfelt eulogy, with stories I'd never known about how my FIL had brought him to a religious conversion and been a strong mentor in his early life. That was nice. The minister didn't know him at all, but did his best to give a generic service.

But for the rest, it seemed a shame that FIL had scraped together that money for a funeral rather than use it for some comforts while he could appreciate them.

Bring on the Viking funeral for me and mine.

 

[braumeister]

regarding the body, I don't think anyone has the right to occupy space after they die. There has been in excess of 100 trillion people on this earth (estimated) and over 7 trillion currently. Can you imagine if we all took up space in a cemetery? That is a lot of real estate.

Um, those are billions.

 

[poorcarver]

As far as I am aware, I expect to be dead and in no position to care or to object. That said, in my circle, there is a Masonic memorial service, drinks, dinner and cigars a few months after the actual croaking. I find these comforting. I have arranged to do the medical school thing as I am far beyond harvesting.

However if my kids were to get religious (better not after that expensive education) who knows what the clergy might get them up to.

 

[harley]

lol...wut?

you have your trillions and billions messed up. 7.1billion people currently and 110ish billion total throughout history.

Must work for the gov't. What are a few decimal places anyway? Million, billion, trillion, gazillion...it's all the same.