My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[disneysteve]

What’s the point of a morning after brunch? Aren’t the bride and groom already off on their honeymoon? Or is the brunch for everyone else?

The brunch is for everyone else, all of the guests who have traveled from out of town and spent the night. It's often held at the hotel where everyone is staying.

 

[disneysteve]

To the OP, I would offer to contribute whatever amount you are comfortable with. You are under zero obligation to match what the bride's family is doing. Traditionally, they're the ones responsible for the wedding costs. My wife's parents paid for the wedding. My parents chipped in a much smaller amount. I think they paid for dinner the night before for the bridal party and for some other stuff, but nowhere near what her parents spent.

 

[HarveyS]

Give what you are comfortable giving. Don't be guilted into any more.
I have never heard of the groom's parents paying half as "tradition", but possibly it is so in some cultures.
I have also never heard that groom's parents "traditionally" cover the honeymoon.
Maybe I need to get out more?

 

[MarieIG]

The brunch is for everyone else, all of the guests who have traveled from out of town and spent the night. It's often held at the hotel where everyone is staying.

Yes, a lot of my family does this. (No, I did not.)

 

[Still Learning]

We had this conversation with our daughter about 10 years ago just before she graduated college. Since then she probably attends about 5 weddings a year (some local, some require international travel), some relationships fail in the first few years, others survive longer........life. Our preference is a $10-20K reception that would allow us to provide a larger wedding gift. If they decide on a more expensive reception the gift decreases.


To our surprise her career moved to the restaurant business including her side business that caters weddings, retirements, special events and small corporate outings. She already has much more exposure to this than we ever will.

 

[Souschef]

One comment I have not seen is about 250 "close personal friends". Nobody has that many, except on Facebook.
I am concerned the the bride may expect the same lifestyle she hsd with her parents.

 

[Jerry1]

I’m in the “Give at the level you’re comfortable with.” camp. Decide on a number that makes sense to you and tell your son the number. There is no way I’d be pressured into giving based on what the other family is providing. You can get married for practically free. Everything else is a party. Not going into debt or risking my financial well being for a party.

 

[jollystomper]

What’s the point of a morning after brunch? Aren’t the bride and groom already off on their honeymoon? Or is the brunch for everyone else?

We have been at this at a few weddings. It usually happens when a lot of people have come from out of town and are staying overnight after the wedding.In those cases the bride and groom were not departing for their honeymoon until the next day. It is seen as a time to chill with close families and friends. Also a chance to get more informal, relaxed pictures.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Disclaimer- I think all weddings are a complete waste of money.
So I’m in the no, heck no camp.
I do think I would offer the amount I could easily provide without having heart failure.
Maybe for you that amount is the $40,000.

Just remember- seems like they have expensive tastes. That won’t go away when they have kids. It will be way harder to deny what is being asked for to benefit grandkids.

 

[Chuckanut]

Sounds like this is when you tell your son that when you were his age, you walked [-]five[/-] ten miles to work every day.

Carrying the quarter cord of firewood necessary to heat the classroom, no doubt.

My answer to your question is No.

 

[djsander]

Tell him it should be traditional where the brides family pays for everything and the grooms pays for the rehearsal dinner. Then let him know the rehearsal dinner will be domino’s pizza.

 

[Hank]

I already don't like the new inlaws.It doesn't bode well for the future. If they were really loaded they would just pay for it all since they are the ones that require a lavish and unnessary wedding.

 

[jollystomper]

I already don't like the new inlaws.It doesn't bode well for the future. If they were really loaded they would just pay for it all since they are the ones that require a lavish and unnessary wedding.

I would not put in on the inlaws, at least the way I read the OP's post. They were generous in giving their daughter $50K for the wedding. Maybe they told their daughter "that's it". It sounds more like it is their daughter and the OP's child who are planning something that will cost way more than $50K.


Edited to add: just thought of some friends who are well off. In their case they gave their daughter $25K amount and said "whatever you do not spend on the wedding is our gift to start your married life". The couple put together a nice wedding for less than $5K.

 

[MarieIG]

I would not put in on the inlaws, at least the way I read the OP's post. They were generous in giving their daughter $50K for the wedding. Maybe they told their daughter "that's it". It sounds more like it is their daughter and the OP's child who are planning something that will cost way more than $50K.

I got that impression as well.

 

[l8_apex]

How are the kids with managing their money? If they're on the traditional trajectory of the three costs of marriage, honeymoon and home purchase, and you're think about helping with these, I'd think about what total amount of money I'd be contributing to all three, then tell the son and thus he can think about how much of that to put into the wedding.

 

[explanade]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

Seems like a rhetorical question and you're not going to be too receptive to any answer other than no.


You should let him know that you can chip in the amount but it ultimately will reduce his inheritance by that amount plus the decades of return that money would have generated.

I remember reading some figure about how for every additional $10k you spend on a car, you "lose" several times that much if you'd invested that money for decades.

That's why I drove Hondas before I retired.

Some of my coworkers were exercising their stock options and buying Mercedes and Benz cars which probably cost at least 2-3 times what my cars cost.

 

[RetiredAt49]

I think kids are spoiled rotten these days and we are not helping them learn by spending enormous amounts of money on them.

At most I’d pay 50% of what your son plans to pay for his wedding.

#ThisGenerationIsSoEntitled

 

[MarieIG]

I don't think that OP can afford to commit large amounts of money toward the wedding, nor money for a house fund.

Moreover, I believe OP needs to consider his own retirement BEFORE his son's inheritance. DS is a grown man and should act like it. If DS thinks a high-end wedding is so important, HE can postpone the wedding while HE earns the money to pay for it himself.

 

[Chuckanut]

One other question to answer:

How much is the bride's dowry?

 

[MarieIG]

One other question to answer:

How much is the bride's dowry?

Now, now. That's a sensitive question. My in-laws, who contributed nothing to our wedding, and did not give us a wedding gift at all, were asking for a dowry. (No, they did not get one - from my family.)

 

[aaronc879]

I would not. It sets a precedent. If you pay that much for the wedding then they will assume you will match a down payment on an excessive house. I would offer a very nice gift in the 4-figures if that is affordable to you and let that be it.

 

[OldShooter]

I would not put in on the inlaws, at least the way I read the OP's post. They were generous in giving their daughter $50K for the wedding. Maybe they told their daughter "that's it". It sounds more like it is their daughter and the OP's child who are planning something that will cost way more than $50K. ...

This.

The bride's parents' experience may be that the bride's demands can be unlimited, so setting a firm boundary is the way to deal with her. Does the OP have an inkle that the demands they are getting are really coming from the bride? I'd guess that to be the case.

Down the road is a big concern. It's unlikely that the OP's son can fund the kind of lifestyle that this woman may be expecting. We actually had that kind of problem with #2 son's wife. Before she got cut off completely she was making duplicate demands from both sets of parents and getting the money from both. Once we figured that out (too slowly, but that's another story), it was game over and she still hates us for it.

 

[Rich]

Married to the same lady 53 years. Got hitched in my parents' backyard, food catered. Cost was, from memory, under $500 bucks.

$50K for a wedding is an entitled, showy, frankly obnoxious indulgence.

Otherwise I'm fine with it...

Stick to your guns and don't match her parents.

Rich

 

[rothlev]

No, for a couple of reasons. First, it is insane to spend that much money on a wedding. Second, traditionally it is the bride's family that bears the wedding costs except IIRC for the after rehearsal dinner.

Kudos to the bride's family for setting a hard limit. I would do the same, maybe offer a $5-10K wedding check that can be used as they wish. From that point, I would tell the couple that extra expenses will be theirs.

Your son is, or should be, well aware that you don't have the financial resources that the bride's family apparently does. This doesn't even have to come up in the conversation.

agreed, offer a wedding check in the amount you are comfortable with. I personally don't like the son telling you how much you should kick in.

 

[Sue J]

If the bride's parents are contributing only $50,000 for this top of the line event at the exclusive country club with 250 guests and then a 5 star honeymoon then something is wrong with the whole idea. They are either delusional that $50,000 can cover this or they are hinting to the couple that such a big affair is out of line.

Once you get past 75 to 100 people you're just trying to impress someone or you owe a lot of folks a big party invite.

I hope your son realizes that he's in for a long commitment to living up to other people's expectations and pressure to pay for it.

Like many other posters, I think you should decide how much you are comfortable in giving as your gift to them for their marriage. Then it's up to them if they use it for the wedding or for their future together.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

You've described the issue correctly. But he's including you in his goal to meet other peoples expectations.