My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[Buckeye]

No.
Nine years ago we gave our son $20,000 for his wedding. The bride’s side was not able to help. It was a beautiful wedding.

If they can’t adjust to a $50,000 budget, they have other problems. I think that is too much.

Yes, this is only the start of requests for money.

Practice this word, "NO!"

Things are going to get much worse before they get better.

 

[Buckeye]

agreed, offer a wedding check in the amount you are comfortable with. I personally don't like the son telling you how much you should kick in.

The bride's request is being transmitted through the son. It's the first time but it won't be the last. I see the bride's parent doing the happy dance that she is going to be someone else's problem.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My son got married 13 years ago and I gave him 1500, his dad the same and her parents and the kids split the other 7k it cost. No one busted their budget for a one day event. Stick to your guns and only give what you want and can afford. Plus if you have other kids they will need to get whatever you gave the first kid. When I was married we had 5 kids between us so had to take that under consideration.

 

[6miths]

I feel fortunate that my 4 20-sometning children have appropriate expectations of their parents.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Nope. I'd come up with an amount thst you feel comfortable with and tell them that this is all you will be contributing, and it must cover the rehearsal dinner too. Just because he "expects it" doesn't mean you should fork it over. This is a luxury item, and if he wants that kind of wedding, he should figure out how to pay for it.

 

[Toast]

May I ask the amount, if any, you intended to give them before your son asked for such a large sum? Just curious how far apart the numbers are. If there is a huge difference between the amounts, I would give what you intended and hold firm. If there isn’t a large difference, rounding up might be worth it to keep the peace.

 

[Texas Proud]

This one is easy for me... NO


As an aside my son got married in early Aug... he told us about it at the end of Aug...


He also told us that they bought a townhouse... AND that he was changing jobs!!!


We gave a $1,000 wedding present... plus bought some outside furniture for a housewarming gift... I have not seen the furniture... will get a pic when delivered tomorrow...

 

[RobbieB]

No.

Tell your son to take out a loan.

 

[brett]

My answer would be no. Quite frankly I am surprised that you son would request that of you.

The fact that his intended comes from a wealthy family is not, in my view, a reason.

So, my answer would be no with some advice to cut back on the number of guests, change the venue, whatever. I would also want to know how many of those guests are on the brides side and how many, if any, are there for business reasons rather that personal reasons.

But, I am someone who does not always follow the group thought. I tend to be a bit of an independent thinker much to my spouse's disdain at times.

Once you say yes to this request you are also leaving yourself open to any of the inevitable cost overruns which may occur.

I am not saying do not participate in the funding. What I am saying is participate at the level that you are comfortable with...financially and otherwise. And make it crystal clear that the number is is number.

We spent $8K on our daughters wedding nine years ago. No gift at that time.

We recently gave them a six figure check as wedding gift. At a time when the money counted and was used in a productive manner rather that frittered away.

Never mind all that silly pressure to match the opposite family or participate in a way that you do not agree with. Just do what you think is right and what is reasonable.

Besides...how will you feel if they split up in three years? Money down the drain.

 

[RobbieB]

I've been married twice. Guess who paid for the weddings? Me.

I feel no obligation to pay for anybody's wedding.

People want to get married, by all means. Pay for your own wedding.

 

[explanade]

So no BTD for weddings of the kids?

 

[RobbieB]

Nope. Done with paying for my step children.

Already put them through school, bought the boy a 12 grand piano and the girl 10 grand because she didn't have a job and needed rent money and a new computer because she cracked the screen by carrying it open and pinching the display.

Time for them to be paying for their own stuff.

 

[troutnut1]

My observation is that the weddings chance of survival are inversely proportional to the amount spent on it. Spending that much would be virtually guarantee disaster.

And what 20 something has 250 real friends? Maybe facebook friends, but they don’t really count. Tell all of them that they are moving next weekend and see who shows up to help. That should be a much more manageable number.

 

[Mark1]

No.

Tell your son to take out a loan.

+1. If they have great jobs, the loan will be a non-issue. If they don't, then future DIL best get ready for a "non-cultured" life style anyway.

 

[Souschef]

The math does not work. I just googled it and the average cost was about $400 per guest. I assume that includes meals, photographer, venue, etc.

For 250 guests, that is $100,000. That is why they want you to kick in.

 

[Bamaman]

Pay for the rehearsal dinner and let it go at that. But cut the bar off @ 8:00 pm.

 

[rk911]

no kids here but if we did, no. they have to start living on a budget sooner or later.

 

[38Chevy454]

I'm with the rest, your son is in trouble already if he has the same image issues as the bride to be. That's a sad way to live keeping up with or surpassing the Jones's. TBH, both sound like very shallow entitled kids. Image is not that important. OK, off my psychology analysis.

The amount spent on the proposed wedding is completely ridiculous. A nice wedding can be done for way less if not trying to impress phony guests.

I wouldn't give more than $10k including the rehearsal dinner. If dinner is over $10k, then son and fiance can pay the difference. Stand your ground now or be going through the money requests for many years.

 

[Amethyst]

Never mind whether the amount is "too much," "ridiculous," etc. What bothers me is the notion of pressure from the bride's family. Terrible way to start off a relationship with the other in-laws - presuming to squeeze you for dough that you don't want to spend and perhaps cannot afford. What will these presumptuous people try on you next?

Don't fall for it. Spend only as much as you want. As for the notion of future retaliation, via limited access to grandkids - that's extortion before the fact, something only the worst people could even think of pulling. A mother who would consider doing such a thing, would do it no matter how much you impoverish yourself to give her and your son a fancy party. She'd come up with some other reason.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

I'm curious if the fiance is really high maintenance and the problem or if your son is living above his income just to impress his future wife and her family or if they're both just spoiled and have always had money thrown at them? You have no responsibility to pay anything, just offer what you're comfortable with and if he gives any grief ask him what's his policy if the marriage fails, do you get a full refund? My kids both paid for their wedding and didn't want any help, they wanted to do it themselves. Both parents pitched in what we felt was appropriate and they were very grateful but never did they throw a number at us.

 

[11522914]

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

No. Not at all. Offer what you can afford and no more.

I will never sacrifice my financial future for these types of life events.

 

[prudent_one]

I would probably feel differently if there was a compelling need to spend that much but it seemed from the OP that the reason for wanting the lavish wedding (and more money) is to impress friends. For me that would bring an instant, forceful "Hell, no.".

I can't even imagine pressuring someone to spend $40K for a half-day event to impress friends. Grow up, Junior. If it's that important to you, while also being so superficial, then take out a loan.

 

[Trailwalker]

I would work with them on a budget for the rehearsal dinner. Paying for that is the tradition.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

One comment I have not seen is about 250 "close personal friends". Nobody has that many, except on Facebook.
I am concerned the the bride may expect the same lifestyle she hsd with her parents.

I couldn’t agree more. I hope the son has a career that pays very, very well because she sounds like high maintenance. They need to reduce the guest list and also stop comparing themselves to their wealthy “friends.”
The OP just needs to say “this is all we can afford” and give what he’s comfortable giving. I hope they don’t plan on asking for a down payment on a home.

 

[RobbieB]

The brides family has 250 guests.