Adult children - plan for any big expense items?

[qwerty3656]

I have 3 adult unmarried sons. Since they're through college one of the few possible remaining big expense items for them would be if they got married. Did you guys budget for things like weddings like you budget for college?

They aren't anywhere close to getting married (as far as I know). I was thinking of laying out something ahead of time like "if you get married, expect [$15,000?] toward the wedding" - or something like that.

Or maybe, I just give them the [$15k?] now and say its in lieu of a wedding present? Are there other big ticket items I should plan for? Money for down payment on a house?

 

[pacergal]

Only plan for the expense if you want to and can afford it.
Paying for weddings, houses, etc are not required parental costs!

We gave DS some money towards his wedding, and paid for majority of DD wedding.
We have budgeted a certain amount for each for dow payments. DD bought a home already, DS still waiting but knows the amount.

If you wish, you could specify an amount for the gift, they could decide when they want it and for what?

 

[qwerty3656]

We gave DS some money towards his wedding, and paid for majority of DD wedding.

Since I only have son's, one strategy was to become very traditional and expect the bride's family to pay for everything.

 

[pb4uski]

At the time retired DD was single and DS had not yet attended college so I included the cost of DD's wedding and the cost of DS college in my retirement planning in addition to our living expenses (which included provisions for periodic car, boat, roof, heating plant replacements, etc.).

When DD got married, we offered to pay the first $x, then half of the next $y and then they were on their own for anything above $x + $y. We also said that if they spent less than $x that we would pay $x anyway.

They did a great job of planning their wedding and the cost was under $x so I just ended up writing them a check fo $x.

 

[athena53]

Since I only have son, one strategy was to become very traditional and expect the bride's family to pay for everything.

That's what I did. They had a modest wedding and I paid for the rehearsal dinner. DDIL comes from a very large extended family and I decided to open it wide to aunts, uncles and cousins, many of whom came from out of town. DH said wryly, "You do realize you're funding a family reunion, right?". Yeah, and it was a great party!

They never asked us for help towards the wedding although I bought the flowers and made bouquets and boutonnieres. DS also came into the marriage with no student loans. I figured that was a nice "wedding gift", too.

 

[pb4uski]

Since I only have son's, one strategy was to become very traditional and expect the bride's family to pay for everything.

But you still have the rehersal dinner and there are still some things that the groom or groom's family traditionally pay for.

For DD/DSIL's wedding the groom's parents were very generous. They threw a great BBQ at their lakehouse for the rehersal dinner and sponsored the open bar at the wedding, including a bartender for a few hours.

 

[pacergal]

Since I only have son's, one strategy was to become very traditional and expect the bride's family to pay for everything.

Well, that was our plan with DS, but DIL had a disagreement with her father and he stepped back from paying, so DS and DIL ended up footing the bills. We stepped in the help a bit.
Should have been an eye opening warning on this family dynamics, DS ended up divorcing 2 years later.

 

[jkern]

I'm planning on giving my daughter $10K when she gets married someday. I also gave her about $10K when she bought her house.

 

[MarieIG]

I have 3 adult unmarried sons. Since they're through college one of the few possible remaining big expense items for them would be if they got married. Did you guys budget for things like weddings like you budget for college?

They aren't anywhere close to getting married (as far as I know). I was thinking of laying out something ahead of time like "if you get married, expect [$15,000?] toward the wedding" - or something like that.

Or maybe, I just give them the [$15k?] now and say its in lieu of a wedding present? Are there other big ticket items I should plan for? Money for down payment on a house?

Yes, but I certainly didn't pony up "in lieu of a wedding" or make an announcement years in advance. There's no telling what the future holds - although you will probably want to be somewhat equal with gifting.

 

[1242Vintage]

Have three adult kids, two daughters and a son.

We had this conversation with all three .... We will pay for a four-year university education OR a big wedding ... but not both. All three opted for the education.

All three are out of university, have long-term relationships, but none are married yet. We haven’t had to test the deal, yet.

 

[Dash man]

One son eloped, so they paid themselves. Our other son married a sweet middle class girl who was raised by her grandparents and only had her grandfather left at the time. We offered to pay for the whole thing. It totaled about $20k, and was two days after Christmas. We got some great deals! It would have been twice that if it was a spring/summer or fall wedding.

 

[old medic]

I am from the school that things are more appreciated if you're the one working to pay for it. We have done stuff to help our kids out, but not paid their way... Ive seen a bunch of friends that have paid everything and watched their kids trash crap, drop out of school ECT.

 

[athena53]

I am from the school that things are more appreciated if you're the one working to pay for it. We have done stuff to help our kids out, but not paid their way... I've seen a bunch of friends that have paid everything and watched their kids trash crap, drop out of school ETC.

By the age their kids marry, most parents know what they're dealing with and whether a generous gesture will be appreciated or trashed. By the way, my parents put all 5 of us through college. Three have respected professional designations (PE, CPA and Fellow of the Casualty Actuarial Society), the other two have advanced degrees (MD, MBA). I'd say we appreciated our educations even though parents paid for them.

But- closer to the OT- my nephew married a woman with very expensive tastes and her Dad went into debt for the wedding. (My nephew dipped into his savings as well; she had none.) The venue was listed in Martha Stewart's magazine as the #1 venue in the state. Dad was so strapped at the end he asked my brother (father of the groom) if he'd spring for a tent in case of rain. The weather was beautiful and so was the wedding.

 

[disneysteve]

We have one daughter. We did budget for her Bat Mitzvah, and it was a wonderful affair. I haven't specifically set aside money for a wedding but she is also not the big, fancy, expensive wedding type of person. If and when she marries, she will want a modest event with only close friends and family, not 200+ people, so it is unlikely to be something we'd need designated funds for. A few thousand dollars should cover it.

 

[SecondCor521]

I think there are various opinions on how much parents should help their kids. Some on here don't pay for college, I think at least one on here has bought entire houses for their kid(s). I think it's good to set clear expectations about what will and won't be provided, and to be reasonable and approximately equivalent if one has multiple kids.

I have three kids, and I am providing each with a paid for college degree as long as it is marketable, and all three are on track for that. There will probably be leftover college money that they can each use for whatever is most important to them - at this point that looks like a house down payment for the first, probably some sort of car improvement or maybe a wedding fund for the second, and help towards a master's degree for the third.

I've heavily incentivized college although technically they could have gone to work straight out of high school or chosen the military. All three chose college.

I've also explained that marriage and kids can be a good thing, but are not required or expected from my point of view.

It is likely that there will be some gifting going on either from their grandfather or me or both at some point which will depend on a balance of avoiding EOC vs. avoiding taxes.

So to specifically answer the OP's question, no, I haven't budgeted anything specifically for their weddings or house down payments. I may choose to make gifts towards those and will probably be able to afford to, but I don't feel any obligation to help and none of my kids expect anything with regards to those items.

 

[Carol1862]

When my son got married her parents paid for the venue. We paid for the rehearsal dinner and a breakfast the morning after wedding (all of our guests came from out of town). It wasn’t a large wedding (90 guests). We split the extras with my son and DIL (flowers, DJ, photographer, cake, etc). Thankfully my DIL has very frugal taste and was very budget conscious.

When my daughter got married we sat down with her and her fiancé after they picked the venue to outline all costs and who would be responsible. He had a widowed mother who he helped to support so I knew it was going to be on us and the couple. We offered to pay for the venue. They had the rest of the expenses. Thankfully, they, too were very budget conscious and had no need for frills. They only had 85 people and it was lovely. I tried to buy the wedding dress but my daughter wouldn’t let me.

You asked if we set aside or budgeted for the wedding. Yes, I earmarked the money. Just as I would if I knew we were going to need a new car eventually.

The 2 most expensive weddings I attended both ended up divorced within 2 years.

 

[Bamaman]

I'm not seeing so many big weddings right now, especially with the pending pandemic. I'm hopeful that those huge weddings go by the wayside.

My funds would be better spent helping them get into a home. With the fast increasing cost of housing, the required down payments are also getting to be more than young couples can save up without help.

 

[athena53]

I'm not seeing so many big weddings right now, especially with the pending pandemic. I'm hopeful that those huge weddings go by the wayside.

My funds would be better spent helping them get into a home. With the fast increasing cost of housing, the required down payments are also getting to be more than young couples can save up without help.

I just went through the first season of "Mortgage or Marriage" on Netflix, in which engaged couples worked with a realtor who worked to find their dream house and get all kinds of concessions, and a wedding planner who tantalized them with crazy-expensive niceties (leaving in a helicopter, carriage ride, a cool ranch dressing fountain at the reception) and then worked deals at the last minute. I think it ran 50-50 between those choosing the house and the wedding. No-brainer to me.

DS was fortunate- his Aunt paid for half his education, not asked for but much appreciated (I would have paid it all myself if necessary) and when he graduated there was about $15,000 left in the UGTM account. (No 529s back when she started saving after he was born.) He used it as a down payment on a house in his LCOL area. The rest was financed at reasonable terms by a group trying to stabilize neighborhoods by loaning money to first-time homeowners who planned to occupy the house. I'm glad they didn't have to make that trade-off between a big, splashy wedding and a house.

 

[brett]

No.

Don't have the problem. Son has a live in GF.

Daughter lived with her husband and had their first child a few years prior o getting married. Even then, the marriage was done over their kitchen table just prior to a celebration/marriage ceremony at a Mexican resort. We picket up the tab for that however it was minor compared to the cost of a formal wedding.

We know too many people who have paid a bomb for their daughter's wedding and wedding prep only to see them separated in two years.

 

[Badger]

Since I only have son's, one strategy was to become very traditional and expect the bride's family to pay for everything.

Now there is one tradition in this culture that is past time to toss out just like dowries and arranged marriages. If you are mature enough to make the decision to marry then assume the responsibility. Gifts from the parents are a different matter IF they are not a societal expectation.
For my first marriage (to my ex-wife) her parents went into large debt way beyond what the could reasonably afford. Even at the age of 21 I thought it was foolish. Then 10 years later we divorced. What a waste.

My present wife and I had what we considered a beautiful wedding. We had a free venue, recorded music on a boom box, everyone brought a cover dish, and when it was over everyone helped clean up. All I had to cover was the minister, some flowers, a cake from Publix grocery, and a couple of cases of champagne. We did all the things you would have from an expensive catered wedding and everyone had a great time.


Cheers!

 

[Golden sunsets]

I have 3 adult unmarried sons. Since they're through college one of the few possible remaining big expense items for them would be if they got married. Did you guys budget for things like weddings like you budget for college?

They aren't anywhere close to getting married (as far as I know). I was thinking of laying out something ahead of time like "if you get married, expect [$15,000?] toward the wedding" - or something like that.

Or maybe, I just give them the [$15k?] now and say its in lieu of a wedding present? Are there other big ticket items I should plan for? Money for down payment on a house?

I would not give them $ now. Budgeting for a certain amount to be given in the future makes sense, whether you share that plan with them, or not. Maintaining maximum flexibility would be my choice, as situations vary, time changes current trends and who knows what else may happen.

 

[JRon]

I agree the OP should budget for all big upcoming expenses, including weddings or down payments.

We set up 529 plans with enough to pay for 4 years of state college for our son and daughter, but it was up to them on how to spend the funds. Both got degrees in 4 years and both went to grad school with them paying for 2 years and we paid for one year. They are both very financially knowledgeable and responsible.

The only time we treated them differently was for weddings. We gave our daughter a check for enough to cover the cost, although she spent less and pocketed the rest. Our DIL’s Dad was willing to pay for their wedding so we only paid for the rehearsal dinner.

We gave them gifts after they already owned homes and they both used the gift to lower their mortgage amount which we liked, but was their choice.

 

[Sue J]

Our younger son and daughter-in-law got married in Beijing in a district marriage office for about $15 in American money. They never had a wedding party. So we gave them $10,000 as a wedding gift.

Our older son is single and so far it looks like he will stay that way. He doesn’t know this, but when he buys a house we will gift him the same amount. He doesn’t need the money, but we all know that when you buy a house, you need stuff!

They both finished college without student debt because DH’s parents funded 529s that provided about 1/3 of the cost and we cash flowed the balance.

We’ve been funding a 529 for our grandson who is now 2 1/2, but that has been a minor expense that we contribute at birthdays or when we just feel like it. And we will start one for the next grand baby due in Sept.

 

[O2Bfree]

We know too many people who have paid a bomb for their daughter's wedding and wedding prep only to see them separated in two years.

I gave my niece a cash gift to spend on her wedding. The marriage lasted four years.

 

[jollystomper]

We have not budgeted specifically for any expense items. We will wing it based on the situation. We will be leaving our kids a large enough inheritance so that any large expense needed will just be deducted from that. in all likelihood the growth in our assets will more than cover it.