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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Messages
- 10,252
Absolutely, half of my daughter's genes come from my trophy wife of 32 years.Your daughter and your trophy wife look very much alike?
Absolutely, half of my daughter's genes come from my trophy wife of 32 years.Your daughter and your trophy wife look very much alike?
Absolutely, half of my daughter's genes come from my trophy wife of 32 years.
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But, keep in mind you can end up with some challenging situations if things don't go according to plan. As a for instance, we had our oldest daughter pass away at a young age and that tragedy about mentally ruined DW and me (and our youngest daughter). It's very tough to bury your children.
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Not that things like this will happen, but life is a crap shoot and no telling when things can go drastically wrong.
There are risks in having children so be prepared.
Why is the question always phrased as why one chose not to have children? In this day of both spouses working, 50% divorce rate, high unemployment, shouldn't the question be, why did you choose to have children?
I think it is still far, far, far more common for married couples and other couples to have children than not.
Really insightful arguments on both sides -- nothing less than I'd expect on this forum.
One thing I'd point out is that it may be erroneous to assume all parents are glad they are parents. If you Google phrases like "I regret having kids" or "I hate being a parent", you'll see there's a huge group of people out there (mostly women, sadly) who feel enormously trapped or regretful of becoming a parent. It's just that the social disapproval bestowed upon a parent who says he/she wishes otherwise is enormous. Perhaps more scorn than any other thing someone could do.
Really?
Warning Bell for Developed Countries: Declining Birth Rates
Warning Bell for Developed Countries: Declining Birth Rates - Forbes
My brother died of cancer at age 19; messed us up financially and emotionally.
DW and I definitely worry about the special needs or possibility of a child dying before us and the impact either one has on our lives. Again, that "selfish" comment applies... but I don't think that's necessarily bad.
Then again, I am sure there are plenty of people out there who didn't or couldn't have kids that wished they had.
Big differene between didn't and couldn't.
Childless refers to people who want to have kids but are unable to have them (i.e. couldn't). These people wish they had had kids.
Childfree refers to people do not want to have kids whether they are able to or unable to have them (i.e. didn't). These people do not wish they had had kids.
Too many people mistakenly interchange childless and childfree when they in fact describe two vastly different types of people.
Too many people mistakenly interchange childless and childfree when they in fact describe two vastly different types of people.
Big differene between didn't and couldn't.
Childless refers to people who want to have kids but are unable to have them (i.e. couldn't). These people wish they had had kids.
Childfree refers to people do not want to have kids whether they are able to or unable to have them (i.e. didn't). These people do not wish they had had kids.
Too many people mistakenly interchange childless and childfree when they in fact describe two vastly different types of people.
So, I searched the topic and the latest thread on this was back in 2007. Today, I've read two others who are mid-30s, child-free and intending to stay that way. I became curious...
Background: I am 36, DW is 33. We are presently child-free, but are always discussing the should we/shouldn't we. If we do, we will have two. We have a plan in place that would likely allow us to retire forever at (my) age 42 under our present and forecasted (child-free) financial situation. We have a great start even if we have kiddos, and thus would likely be able to retire late-40s or early 50s.
So, for those forum members who are child-free, was there anything that drove you to that conclusion? Or just a "I don't really want kids?" Or were you in the group that thinks "if I don't KNOW that I want kids, I shouldn't have them?"
Wife and I kinda fall in that last group right now. We wonder if we can be the best parents we can be if we aren't just SURE that we want kids. I would say we favor having kids by a 60/40 margin, but neither one of us will commit to one or the other. We do acknowledge the opportunity cost of NOT having kids, and that's what keeps us in the game (the joy, the opportunity to teach and learn from children, the purpose they give to your life - NOT the "I hope they'll take care of me or keep me company"... you can't guarantee that).
Interested in thoughts, or if I missed a more recent thread on this, point me there!! Thanks!
Was I one of the couples you were thinking of?
I am 37 and my husband is 35. I just never had that desire to be a parent or mother. I say that I just lack the motherhood gene, I was born this way. I'd probably be a great human mom, but I am an excellent dog mom. My love for dogs has lead me to be a volunteer in animal rescue for a decade now. I think I can make much more of an impact in the world for thousands of dogs than I could one kid, frankly, if we're going down the whole "I need a purpose" road.
No one "did anything to me" despite my mother asking if I had that horrible of a childhood to not want kids of my own (my sisters each have 2 kids by the way). It really irks me that child-free marks something wrong, undesirable, I haven't found "the one" to father my children yet (as if I wasn't supposed to be with my husband because he didn't spark my ovaries). Like it is something bad! I still get these comments sadly. The look of disgust and scrunched up faces of confusion when someone asks if I have kids, and I say no... It hurts! Although probably worse for people who do want kids but cannot.
I love all my nieces and nephews dearly and look forward to the day they might want to visit us (we're the cool aunt and uncle that camps, canoes and skis).
I like to use the analogy of "Do you want to be president of the United States?" Everyone I have asked so far emphatically says, "NO way!" Huge job/responsibilities with not enough pay? Doesn't look very fun? And you probably have NO DESIRE to even be president, right? I'm like OK, I don't want to be a parent.
But really, the reasons are not in the excuses. It's just that there is simply NO DESIRE and I think that having that DESIRE is pretty dang crucial (in fact the #1 step) if you're going start procreating! It's the hardest job in the world and it's a true roll of the dice!
If you're kind of ho hum about it, then don't do it. If you always pictured grandkids running up to you, but you kind of have to go through this step if you want to make that happen, then maybe do it (I would not though). You cannot always guarantee that they will produce grandkids for you either. Life will be very hard if that was your originally vision (grandkids running up to you). Maybe volunteer at a boys and girls club?
I have friends who were 42 and 45 and their reason was "We better do it now or else we're really old." And that was it. Because their expiration date was coming up, they decided to utilize their reproductive organs. I don't see that as a real desire to be a parent. One parent loves it but man she is tired all the time, the other parent always pulls us off to the side and says, "Don't do it! They'll ruin your life!"
Back when my H and I were dating, I guess I was kind of unsure. Not on the fence, but more like, "What is my 40 year old self going to want?" I was trying to predict what my future, unknown self was going to desire. Let me tell you, that was not working! I had to use the information that I had right now to make my decisions (H was in the same boat as me), and that was I don't have it in me. We also discussed that if any point one of us all of a sudden has this huge DESIRE to be a parent, then we would reassess stuff.