Coupling up again in retirement

[Amethyst]

lol I notice there was no mention of a DIY woman with hobbies! You know how those things tend to interfere with her laser-like focus on the man's needs.

It's OK if you overlook me..I'd be fine with it.

 

[JustCurious]

lol I notice there was no mention of a DIY woman with hobbies! You know how those things tend to interfere with her laser-like focus on the man's needs.

It's ok if she has hobbies, but not if those hobbies interfere with her focus on her man's needs.

 

[Amethyst]

Any hobbyist (male or female) isn't worthy of the name, who doesn't find that hobby "interfering" from time to time.

Let alone the DIY! But then again the man of course would be taking part in it, so there wouldn't really be actual competition there.

It's ok if she has hobbies, but not if those hobbies interfere with her focus on her man's needs.

 

[1-31-18]

lol I notice there was no mention of a DIY woman with hobbies! You know how those things tend to interfere with her laser-like focus on the man's needs.

Oh dear, struck a nerve. But you’re right: Hobbies weren’t mentioned. So attacking me on that basis is (how shall I put this?) silly. And no one mentioned a laser, either. Do not expect applause from discerning readers for ridiculing assertions that were never made.

My point was that the children of “some other man” are usually a negative in a relationship with a man. Studies show that stepchildren are a leading cause of divorce, because of the inherent loyalty conflict. Many men of any age won’t accept that negative and that risk in a relationship, whereas they might be delighted with a child-free achiever of a woman (almost) regardless of her age.

It’s OK with me if you don’t like this reality. My goal was and is only to cheer up the woman I was speaking to by giving her hope and showing her the way. Too many people, including her, seem to think all unattached older women are unsalvageable wrecks. Not my experience. I married one and we couldn’t be happier.

 

[Dog]

I’d have no desire to recouple if something happened to DH. We have been married for over 40 years after dating for 5 years. We started with nothing and worked hard together to get where we are and still enjoy each other’s company. I’m pretty independent, with lots of interests and enjoy my alone time. I would miss DH dearly, but I know I could adapt.

 

[Music Lover]

My point was that the children of “some other man” are usually a negative in a relationship with a man. Studies show that stepchildren are a leading cause of divorce, because of the inherent loyalty conflict. Many men of any age won’t accept that negative and that risk in a relationship, whereas they might be delighted with a child-free achiever of a woman (almost) regardless of her age.

I'm sure someone else's kids are a negative for a lot of people (probably mostly men but it also applies to some women). My GF's kid was 18 when I met her so she's basically an adult and mostly able to fend for herself. Conflict on how to raise her is almost non-existent which wouldn't be the case with a young child.

 

[ziggy29]

It can be tough, in several ways. In the last place we lived in rural Texas, one of the guys who sometimes attended our worship services met someone he wanted to partner with for life. The problem was, they were both widowed, had their own estates, and didn't want to commingle assets in a community property state -- they wanted their own estates to go to their own kids and grandkids. They wanted to be married in the eyes of God, but not in the eyes of the state -- which is problematic, because even if you marry in the church, the state generally recognizes it. So you have to be careful and call it a "blessing of a civil union" and never use the M-word.

 

[Amethyst]

I wasn't attacking. I was poking fun. Silliness is quite in the mix.

Oh dear, struck a nerve. But you’re right: Hobbies weren’t mentioned. So attacking me on that basis is (how shall I put this?) silly. And no one mentioned a laser, either. Do not expect applause from discerning readers for ridiculing assertions that were never made.

My point was that the children of “some other man” are usually a negative in a relationship with a man. Studies show that stepchildren are a leading cause of divorce, because of the inherent loyalty conflict. Many men of any age won’t accept that negative and that risk in a relationship, whereas they might be delighted with a child-free achiever of a woman (almost) regardless of her age.

It’s OK with me if you don’t like this reality. My goal was and is only to cheer up the woman I was speaking to by giving her hope and showing her the way. Too many people, including her, seem to think all unattached older women are unsalvageable wrecks. Not my experience. I married one and we couldn’t be happier.

 

[Chuckanut]

After getting divorced, one of my requirements
for any woman I dated was that she had to be somebody’s mother.

 

[Calico]

It's OK if you overlook me..I'd be fine with it.

Indeed. There are some posts on this thread which remind me why I'm glad I'm single.

 

[1-31-18]

I'm sure someone else's kids are a negative for a lot of people (probably mostly men but it also applies to some women). My GF's kid was 18 when I met her so she's basically an adult and mostly able to fend for herself. Conflict on how to raise her is almost non-existent which wouldn't be the case with a young child.

That’s great. I hope it lasts. Sounds like your GF has the right attitude about it, too. Some parents insist on making the child “primary” all life long, which might work for the two of them, or not. (Eventual emancipation is better for development.) Divorce data proves that putting the child first perpetually rarely works for the “mere spouse” (male or female) who is not parent to the child.

 

[Chuckanut]

Divorce data proves that putting the child first perpetually rarely works for the “mere spouse” (male or female) who is not parent to the child.

I am reminded of that TV show "This is Us". Miguel, the mother's second husband, is relegated to a role more befitting a hired servant than a husband.

 

[brett]

Our neighbours certainly did not care about getting married in a church or by a civil ceremony.

In our jurisdiction marriage and common law marriage (after two years) are treated exactly the same when it come to divorce. Absolutely no difference.

Both parties were concerned about their respective estates passing to their children.

Very simple answer. They each went to different estate lawyers and had wills, etc drawn up the protected the assets that they had pre co-habitation.

I do not think that this is such a big deal. Life is short, you need to do what makes you happy as long as it does not impact others.

This business of compatibility is highly overrated. We have happily married for over 45 years. We have very different faith beliefs. Never been an issue other than for the evangelical minister who married us even though we decided together up front never to bring up our children in his faith/denomination.

It can work but you have to be open minded, not set in your ways, and unconcerned about what others will think of you.

 

[Music Lover]

Divorce data proves that putting the child first perpetually rarely works for the “mere spouse” (male or female) who is not parent to the child.

I am reminded of that TV show "This is Us" were poor Miguel, the mother's second husband, is relegated to a role more befitting a hired servant than a husband.

Any woman who doesn't put her child first raises a red flag. I had no problem when my GF had to cancel or leave a date early if something came up with her kid. I don't think any normal person would see it otherwise.

That being said, if their kid(s) consume all of their time and any potential partner is treated as an afterthought or backup plan then they should probably stay single. Don't go looking for a relationship until you're ready to put some time and effort into it.

 

[1-31-18]

Any woman who doesn't put her child first raises a red flag. I had no problem when my GF had to cancel or leave a date early if something came up with her kid. I don't think any normal person would see it otherwise.



That being said, if their kid(s) consume all of their time and any potential partner is treated as an afterthought or backup plan then they should probably stay single. Don't go looking for a relationship until you're ready to put some time and effort into it.

Methinks you overlooked the word “perpetually” in my comment. A key modifier.

If you didn’t overlook it, then “red flags” go up for you when a 60-year-old woman does not put the “needs” of her 35-year-old co-dependent, ne’er-do-well “child” ahead of the needs of her husband. Hmmm. I bet you didn’t really mean that, but at what point in life do you believe that the husband comes before the spawn of some other man? Never?

My view is that women who behave that way should stay single (your words), assuming they can attract (another) proposal in the first place. Most divorced and widowed men that I know run — they do not not walk — from women who are “all about the children,” always — because they are being shown that they will never get the first priority that is rightly theirs in a committed relationship. He is willing to put her first, but she will never put him first. And remember, these are not even “his” children. Some other dude did that.

When someone shows you what her priorities are, believe her, and react accordingly.

 

[Music Lover]

Methinks you overlooked the word “perpetually” in my comment. A key modifier.

If you didn’t overlook it, then “red flags” go up for you when a 60-year-old woman does not put the “needs” of her 35-year-old co-dependent, ne’er-do-well “child” ahead of the needs of her husband. Hmmm. I bet you didn’t really mean that, but at what point in life do you believe that the husband comes before the spawn of some other man? Never?

My view is that women who behave that way should stay single (your words), assuming they can attract (another) proposal in the first place. Most divorced and widowed men that I know run — they do not not walk — from women who are “all about the children,” always — because they are being shown that they will never get the first priority that is rightly theirs in a committed relationship. He is willing to put her first, but she will never put him first. And remember, these are not even “his” children. Some other dude did that.

When someone shows you what her priorities are, believe her, and react accordingly.

An 18-year old daughter is not a 35-year old old co-dependent.

And I didn't say that women should be all about the children all the time. I said that kids should be a priority, you know...like they are for most normal people. But I said "kids", not 35-year old co-dependents.

 

[irishgal]

Wow, I went to sit in a deer stand for a night or two and things here got sassy lol..

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

 

[1-31-18]

An 18-year old daughter is not a 35-year old old co-dependent.



And I didn't say that women should be all about the children all the time. I said that kids should be a priority, you know...like they are for most normal people. But I said "kids", not 35-year old co-dependents.

“My children” indeed are a priority for me, on this day especially and also on all others. But being well into their 30s now, and since their emancipation a decade ago, they are not my “first” priority. My spouse is my first priority, as I am hers. That’s why we are blissfully happy together. “Other people’s children” in contrast are not a priority for me (or for her), except to the extent that they earn it. Happy Thanksgiving Day to you and your family.

 

[Aerides]

Honestly, either gender coming to a relationship with prior-marriage adult children should be observed. Men and women BOTH can have tendencies - somewhat rightfully - to overly prioritizing their children after remarriage. But of course, everything is situational. For me that would look something like:

Keeping the will balanced to ensure the offspring are still the priority vs. the new spouse? OK
Letting the adult kids come home and live rent free on the couch when they stub a toe? Not OK
Rarely talking to or about their, kids or showing interest in their lives? Run away

So, "putting one's children first" of course, when they are children. When they are adults everyone has their own comfort level. What's good parenting for you might be hovering or detached for me.

But that is what dating is for! To observe, discern, decide. People show you who they are.

 

[Nemo2]

But that is what dating is for! To observe, discern, decide. People show you who they are.

DW & I, before that was our status, spent a lot of time walking/talking and finding out who the other one was.

I never had kids, never wanted kids......I am now the 'proud owner' of five granddaughters......DW & I have been together longer than they've been alive....they've never known a life when I wasn't part of it.....I am their 'Opa'...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[ivinsfan]

Honestly, either gender coming to a relationship with prior-marriage adult children should be observed. Men and women BOTH can have tendencies - somewhat rightfully - to overly prioritizing their children after remarriage. But of course, everything is situational. For me that would look something like:

Keeping the will balanced to ensure the offspring are still the priority vs. the new spouse? OK
Letting the adult kids come home and live rent free on the couch when they stub a toe? Not OK
Rarely talking to or about their, kids or showing interest in their lives? Run away

So, "putting one's children first" of course, when they are children. When they are adults everyone has their own comfort level. What's good parenting for you might be hovering or detached for me.

But that is what dating is for! To observe, discern, decide. People show you who they are.

Gosh, don't be so rational, you will ruin everyone's fun..

 

[Focus]

Wow, I went to sit in a deer stand for a night or two and things here got sassy lol..

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Sassy and tasty. Lots of talk about cheesy casseroles and delicious baked goods. Ironically, that stopped right before Thanksgiving.

 

[omni550]

Just had this pop up in my feed..


"The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don’t"

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/lif...Hqx4DCnhOol8bfAbjGZ9sfARGGPAtHxnUgWFcup1o69ZU


omni

 

[aja8888]

Just had this pop up in my feed..


"The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don’t"

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/lif...Hqx4DCnhOol8bfAbjGZ9sfARGGPAtHxnUgWFcup1o69ZU


omni

When I first glanced at the post, something jumped out at me about "men want to live together." Heck, if I were to be unattached again, I wouldn't want to live with another man.

Then I read the article......LOL

Actually, I'm not so sure I would want to live with another woman again either.

 

[Koolau]

Just had this pop up in my feed..


"The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don’t"

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/lif...Hqx4DCnhOol8bfAbjGZ9sfARGGPAtHxnUgWFcup1o69ZU


omni

My, that was a heartening article. YMMV