Starting to put together the final "dirt nap" plans with DW. Need help with the process of funeral home selection, cemetary, cremation issues etc. I'm sure many on the site have dealt with these issues over the years with various and sundry horror stories. Any words of advice / wisdom from the crew. Where are the landmines/rip-offs ? What would you do different ?
We see this all the time in our alumni magazine. Unfortunately it's starting to happen to the alumni we call "classmates".
A good starting point is an organ donor card. Hawaii does it on the driver's license.
Demographically & genetically speaking, in our marriage I expect to set the example. I've asked spouse to defer the following actions until she's sure that I'm actually dead and not just napping. She claims it's hard to tell the difference. Considering that feedback, I figure it's better to have as many people as possible verify her diagnosis before any [-]flammable[/-] irrevocable actions take place.
So we've arranged to donate body parts for transplant (and to the local eye bank) while the cadaver goes to the UH medical school. (Their students hack away for a year or two and then cremate whatever's left. Maybe I should ask for the worst & clumsiest student.) If I die at a hospital or a hospice and UH doesn't want my remains then spouse will [-]quietly strip my corpse of all identifying info and leave me lying in a corner of the ER[/-] find a cheap crematorium. We haven't picked a crematorium yet because the medical school doesn't exactly have enough traffic to turn away dead customers. They seem to expect to take just about any[-]one[/-]thing.
If I die at home (which I'd prefer) then spouse swears she'll still call the transplant guys and the medical school, no matter how low we happen to be on compost at the time. (I know she won't vermipost my remains because that container's just not big enough.) Conveniently, perhaps essentially and legislatively, the medical school offers free pickup & delivery.
I don't care what happens with my cremated remains (Hey, I'd be dead!) but spouse & kid wanted to know where to put my ash. I suggested backyard fertilizer (worth it for our teen's reaction of "Eeew, Dad, gross!") or paddling out at White Plains Beach. Somehow she finds that obligation much more acceptable, but she wouldn't promise to do just one more cutback or to let me finally hang ten for an entire ride before "dropping me off". I guess I'd be dead anyway, so it wouldn't be worth asking for a video.
I also enjoyed writing our obituaries. These would be published in our local newspaper as well as the alumni magazine. Both businesses usually have guidelines on max length, format, details, mistakes to avoid, and so on. The older alumni class columns (which are uncomfortably close to my class's section of the magazine) are refreshingly frank and forthright about how to execute this task. Please arrange for whoever's distributing your obituary to post a copy here!
I've watched too many relatives, who perhaps didn't visit often enough or who never resolved that last argument, get all guiltily sentimental about the dearly departed. They can attract mortuary sales staff like fresh meat attracts wolves. Before you know it the executor is trapped behind emotional demands for a "nicer casket" or a "better memorial service" and the bills start adding up. The deceased's guidance like "I don't care what you do with me, I'll be dead" isn't very supportive in these circumstances. So to help our executor to cope with this syndrome, we've written a clear set of directions for what we want done with our remains. The goal is to minimize costs so that we can maximize our estate for charities or maybe even inheritances.
In your instructions to the executor, be sure to remind them to request at least 20 certified copies of the death certificate. You never know what family, friends, or shipmates are going to drop by to verify the paperwork, and perhaps even ask for one suitable for framing...