So, yesterday I sent our DIL an email to inquire about that fence. Here it is verbatim: "Does your new home have a security fence that will prohibit small children from accessing the pool? I need to be able to put my head down on the pillow at night and sleep."
DIL's reply (verbatim) "No it does not [have a pool fence]. However, as parents, we have already discussed what we need to do to ensure our child's safety. Please allow us to worry. You have nothing to worry about. Trust us with raising and caring for our child."
DS decided to weigh in as well, no doubt at DIL's request (verbatim): "I appreciate you and Mom being concerned about how we raise our daughter. Although to be frank, I kind of need you guys to back off a bit. All of the recommendations and suggestions on how to raise and look out for her are becoming a little intrusive. I know you both mean the best, but we have everything under control."
"P.S. Yes, we have the pool gate under control. We are aware of the drowning risks."
We were most bothered by our DS's response. I kind of need you guys to back off a bit. All of the recommendations and suggestions onhow to raise and look out for her are becoming a little intrusive. DW & I have a strict policy that we live by. We do not speak into the lives of our adult children unless asked. We do not tell either of our 2 adult sons how to parent their children (we have 4 grandchildren now, the oldest 12 years of age) We butt out, period. This means we do NOT give unsolicited advice. The only time we have given advice is when our opinion or assistance has been requested.
In light of all of this, I'm looking for feedback.
Was I out of line in asking about the pool fence?
Is the manner in which the question was phrased out of line?
I admit that by stating "I need to be able to put my head on the pillow at night and sleep" may have turned the question into a rhetorical one. But just the same, did it warrant the replies that were given?
Email is a a very poor form of communication!!!!
A lot goes into how we communicate with others. The tone of voice, the construction and intent of the message, etc. With email what you write is interpreted by the mood and state of mind of the person reading. The same thing happens all the time on this board. I would caution to use more face to face communication and less written. It sounds like common sense concerns are being interpreted differently than you mean it.
One thing I learned after seeing what happens to other grandparents is this - Don't alienate the parents of your grandchildren.
I know grandparents who have seen their grandchildren moved far away, in part because sticking around the grandparents is not worth the sacrifice. So why not take that job offer on the other side of the country?
I know grandparents whose child dies unexpectedly, and the mistreated spouse-in-law cuts off most, if not all communication with the grandchildren.
What you meant was, "We've seen so many sad stories about curious and quick infants who perished in the family pool, and we don't want you to suffer that pain". What they heard was, "you don't trust us to raise our own child". They apparently felt similarly about recent advice whether it was solicited or not.
They are buying a house, which is a stressful event and their sensitivities are probably heightened. Seems like the time to play the patriarch/matriarch role and keep the peace, even it means apologizing for what they view to be intrusion.
One thing I learned after seeing what happens to other grandparents is this - Don't alienate the parents of your grandchildren.
I know grandparents who have seen their grandchildren moved far away, in part because sticking around the grandparents is not worth the sacrifice. So why not take that job offer on the other side of the country?
I know grandparents whose child dies unexpectedly, and the mistreated spouse-in-law cuts off most, if not all communication with the grandchildren.
One thing I learned after seeing what happens to other grandparents is this - Don't alienate the parents of your grandchildren.
I know grandparents who have seen their grandchildren moved far away, in part because sticking around the grandparents is not worth the sacrifice. So why not take that job offer on the other side of the country?
I know grandparents whose child dies unexpectedly, and the mistreated spouse-in-law cuts off most, if not all communication with the grandchildren.
I really don't believe we are at risk of alienating our DS and DIL over this issue with the pool fence.
I think young people today tend to want to get their advice from online experts, rather than family. My grandparents helped my parents be better parents, and i listened to advice from older family members, not just GPs, when we had children. It is incredibly stupid for someone who often has not even been around younger siblings as babies to reject well meaning help from GPs, because the parent generation with the new baby are proof that GPs did at least a reasonable job of child rearing.Should have put this in my post:
Outcomes
You say something and they have it covered - no real harm, they get upset,- child safe
You don't say something and they have it covered - no real harm - child save
You say something they don't have it covered - they fix it - child safe
You don't say something they don't have it covered - CHILD UNSAFE!
Personally I say something, and let them know. In the AF the last thing you want to hear walking away from an accident is 'I knew he was going to do something like this!'
You missed a 5th outcome--Should have put this in my post:
Outcomes
You say something and they have it covered - no real harm, they get upset,- child safe
You don't say something and they have it covered - no real harm - child save
You say something they don't have it covered - they fix it - child safe
You don't say something they don't have it covered - CHILD UNSAFE!
Personally I say something, and let them know. In the AF the last thing you want to hear walking away from an accident is 'I knew he was going to do something like this!'
I think young people today tend to want to get their advice from online experts, rather than family.
Ha
I'm amazed by the answers here. Three thoughts:
Honor thy father and mother. I think many have it backward in this day and age.
Assume positive intent. Why would one assume any less from the individuals who put all their emotion, time, money and love into them. Boundaries...give me a break. The grandparents earned the right, long ago, to say what they want.
I have few life regrets. One big one is that I overreacted to my mother's actions and comments made from love. She is gone. There is a heavy portion of my heart that bears the burden of my crass and selfish responses. I wouldn't wish this regret on anyone.