Milton
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2007
- Messages
- 2,360
I am sorry to hear that you are confronted with this unpleasant situation.
Presumably you would like to have a happy life. When reading the balance of my comments, below, I respectfully suggest you bear in mind that research has shown happiness is largely determined by one's ability to:
- maintain loving and harmonius relationships with family and friends;
- simplify one's life and avoid stressful complications.
Here, it does not appear that either your brother or your mother has asked you for advice or assistance. On the contrary, you report that your brother is "extremely secretive" regarding his apparent financial problems, and that your mother - who apparently took him into her home of her own free will - has been lying about her apparent gifts of money to your brother.
Unless and until either one seeks your thoughts on things, you would do well do keep your own counsel. Even if they do subsequently ask you for advice, it would be best to be circumspect in offering it: all too often, people who say they want a sounding board really just want affirmation and approval of their own decisions.
I suggest that you ask yourself precisely why your family is "massively stressed" about this situation. If your brother has financial troubles, that is his problem, not yours or your other siblings. If your mother chooses to let him reside with her, that is her decision and she - not you - is the one who will have to put up with any related problems. You report that she enjoys having someone around to relieve her loneliness, and that Brother "gets by on being very nice" ... so his presence in the home is far from an unmitigated disaster.
Another question to ask yourself: "what is the worst that can happen?". I don't know all of the facts, but it sounds like the answer is: Brother will spend the remainder of his life as a undischarged bankrupt, possibly living on the street, and Mom will give Brother all her savings and eventually lose her home. Not a pretty picture, but it would not be the end of the world, either. Brother is responsible for his own mess. At age 80, Mom has already had a long and presumably good life, so the prospect of her being penniless in her remaining years is very unpleasant but not catastrophic. And remember, that is the absolute worst case, which very likely will never happen.
I could well be wrong, but it sounds possible that you are worried about Brother living with Mom because subconsciously you are: (1) jealous of the extra attention he is getting; and/or (2) worried about Mom burning through her estate, leaving little or nothing for you when she dies.
In the first case, try to realize that Mom has enough love for all of you, and that the days are long past when you have to compete with Brother.
In the second case, recognize that Mom's money is hers to [-]squander[/-] do with as she pleases, and that you have no moral right to any inheritance. Besides, being a prudent person, you are already financially independent and have no need of any support from her or anyone else, right?
Financial guardianship is not on the cards. I am not an expert in mental health law, but trust me, you don't want to go down that road. Trying to have brother involuntarily declared mentally incompetent is unlikely to succeed (as 2B has said, legally there is a big difference between "irresponsible" and "incompetent"), and it is entirely possible that he could retain an attorney to sue you for malicious prosecution or some similar action. I'm not saying that such a lawsuit would necessarily win, but being sued is never a pleasant experience.
If brother wants to go the guardianship route voluntarily, bankruptcy would be a much easier and cleaner way of achieving much the same ends.
In any case, who would be the guardian? Can't be Mom, because she is elderly, in poor health, and you obviously question her judgment. Do you want to take on the [-]thankless task[/-] role? If so, why?
I don't think so. Making threats is not a way to 'win friends and influence people'. Remember, you want to try to maintain reasonably good relationships with all your family members. That doesn't mean that you should support their poor decisions, but neither does it mean that you should play the self-appointed role of 'Father' (Knows Best).
I hope that you will receive the above in the spirit in which it was intended. I have no desire to offend you, or anyone else.
Presumably you would like to have a happy life. When reading the balance of my comments, below, I respectfully suggest you bear in mind that research has shown happiness is largely determined by one's ability to:
- maintain loving and harmonius relationships with family and friends;
- simplify one's life and avoid stressful complications.
Here, it does not appear that either your brother or your mother has asked you for advice or assistance. On the contrary, you report that your brother is "extremely secretive" regarding his apparent financial problems, and that your mother - who apparently took him into her home of her own free will - has been lying about her apparent gifts of money to your brother.
Unless and until either one seeks your thoughts on things, you would do well do keep your own counsel. Even if they do subsequently ask you for advice, it would be best to be circumspect in offering it: all too often, people who say they want a sounding board really just want affirmation and approval of their own decisions.
I suggest that you ask yourself precisely why your family is "massively stressed" about this situation. If your brother has financial troubles, that is his problem, not yours or your other siblings. If your mother chooses to let him reside with her, that is her decision and she - not you - is the one who will have to put up with any related problems. You report that she enjoys having someone around to relieve her loneliness, and that Brother "gets by on being very nice" ... so his presence in the home is far from an unmitigated disaster.
Another question to ask yourself: "what is the worst that can happen?". I don't know all of the facts, but it sounds like the answer is: Brother will spend the remainder of his life as a undischarged bankrupt, possibly living on the street, and Mom will give Brother all her savings and eventually lose her home. Not a pretty picture, but it would not be the end of the world, either. Brother is responsible for his own mess. At age 80, Mom has already had a long and presumably good life, so the prospect of her being penniless in her remaining years is very unpleasant but not catastrophic. And remember, that is the absolute worst case, which very likely will never happen.
I could well be wrong, but it sounds possible that you are worried about Brother living with Mom because subconsciously you are: (1) jealous of the extra attention he is getting; and/or (2) worried about Mom burning through her estate, leaving little or nothing for you when she dies.
In the first case, try to realize that Mom has enough love for all of you, and that the days are long past when you have to compete with Brother.
In the second case, recognize that Mom's money is hers to [-]squander[/-] do with as she pleases, and that you have no moral right to any inheritance. Besides, being a prudent person, you are already financially independent and have no need of any support from her or anyone else, right?
Financial guardianship is not on the cards. I am not an expert in mental health law, but trust me, you don't want to go down that road. Trying to have brother involuntarily declared mentally incompetent is unlikely to succeed (as 2B has said, legally there is a big difference between "irresponsible" and "incompetent"), and it is entirely possible that he could retain an attorney to sue you for malicious prosecution or some similar action. I'm not saying that such a lawsuit would necessarily win, but being sued is never a pleasant experience.
If brother wants to go the guardianship route voluntarily, bankruptcy would be a much easier and cleaner way of achieving much the same ends.
In any case, who would be the guardian? Can't be Mom, because she is elderly, in poor health, and you obviously question her judgment. Do you want to take on the [-]thankless task[/-] role? If so, why?
Tonight I will make a conference call to Mom and Bro, spilling the beans on this miserable situation, and giving them the name of a tax attorney to call ASAP. If he fails to follow through, I'm about ready to call the IRS and tell them where they can find him.Is that a reasonable idea?
I don't think so. Making threats is not a way to 'win friends and influence people'. Remember, you want to try to maintain reasonably good relationships with all your family members. That doesn't mean that you should support their poor decisions, but neither does it mean that you should play the self-appointed role of 'Father' (Knows Best).
I hope that you will receive the above in the spirit in which it was intended. I have no desire to offend you, or anyone else.