Post-Retirement Struggles for Someone Who Should have None

[arcyallen]

Sittler27, I understand where you're coming from. I was telling my wife recently "We've done a great job of removing the alligators from the swamp (life obstacles), but I'm still not sure I'm figuring out what's fulfilling me". Should I be doing more volunteering? Should I focus on my health more? Travel more? Travel less? So many things to think about.

The silver lining to all of this is that you're thinking about it. Many live their lives dully and not examined. Keep thinking about it. You'll get there. I hope to, too One thing that has helped me is I've kept a log of "Things I like or am good at". Occasionally I reference that list. On that list for me is learning Jiu-Jitsu. Franky I've been too lazy to go to the first class, but at least I know the obstacle - laziness - and not a lack of interests. Maybe this will be the week...

 

[Sittler27]

It sounds like your kids will be driving before too long and for us that really freed up a lot of time. Or even when some of their friends started driving the other moms would pay those kids to do the car pools. Until then spending time with your mom and kids seems like a great use of your ER free time! Our kids are grown up now and live in different cities so we really look forward to the times when we do get together.

We find it pretty easy to putter the day away unless we plan chores and fun activities out ahead of time and put those in the the weekly planner. I like having the activities planned out in the calendar because then we always have fun things to look forward to. The anticipation is part of the fun - Anticipation Is Part of Being a Fan, and That’s a Good Thing | Psychology Today (Counting the days until the next live concert can produce months of anticipation, with every day crossed off on the calendar bringing another burst of dopamine. )

I can see where it's going to free up time when at least one of them starts driving, but hasn't happened quite yet. My oldest is 17 and doesn't have any interest in getting her license; my youngest will be jumping on it in Oct.

I have 4 concerts already lined up for this summer - can't wait - you are right, the anticipation is part of the fun!

I'm the opposite - I hate planning. Having things on the calendar fills me with dread because they put restrictions on my time even if I'm the one who put them there. I retired specifically so that I can be spontaneous and do whatever I want each day. For example, last Sunday morning I woke up and the forecast at home was rain for the next few days. I checked other places in an 8 hour radius and found it would be nice in eastern Tennessee so I loaded a motorcycle in the back of my truck, drove there, and got a cabin. I spent Sunday afternoon, Monday, and yesterday riding beautiful mountain roads. The forecast here today is rain so I'll load up and head towards home, maybe stopping for a day or two somewhere along the way. I'd be unhappy if something on a calendar got in the way of my spontaneity.

I think I'm more of a planner for sure - but my wife is more like you! Happy wife, happy life so I guess I'll have to continue being Mr spontaneity.

Sittler27, I understand where you're coming from. I was telling my wife recently "We've done a great job of removing the alligators from the swamp (life obstacles), but I'm still not sure I'm figuring out what's fulfilling me". Should I be doing more volunteering? Should I focus on my health more? Travel more? Travel less? So many things to think about.

The silver lining to all of this is that you're thinking about it. Many live their lives dully and not examined. Keep thinking about it. You'll get there. I hope to, too One thing that has helped me is I've kept a log of "Things I like or am good at". Occasionally I reference that list. On that list for me is learning Jiu-Jitsu. Franky I've been too lazy to go to the first class, but at least I know the obstacle - laziness - and not a lack of interests. Maybe this will be the week...

So true - great way to think about it.
I really think hearing everything in this thread right now - it's making me feel I'm not alone, and also giving me some great ideas including a key one: to just relax and enjoy where I'm at more instead of focusing on why I still have this underlying feeling of go-go-go (lingering from my work days).

 

[cathy63]

Quite insightful.

I do do things as hobbies that echo things I enjoyed at work, namely tinkering with measurements, settings, etc. to calibrate my home theater's audio and video.
One of the big things I enjoyed at work was just working with people and being part of something you build together. This is ironic as while I am outgoing, I am also quite an introvert, and thus joining clubs or groups isn't something I gravitate to. Something about the initial awkwardness of it all always turns me off. I prefer to meet people organically/naturally but I may need to get over that.

I agree about the creative side comment - I'm happier when I'm doing creative things....

As someone who's similarly introverted but outgoing, I find that signing up for a structured group activity is a good way for me to meet people and get enough socializing in without going overboard. I enjoy volunteering through AARP Tax-Aide and being an election poll worker, but you might enjoy building houses with Habitat for Humanity, advising a robotics club or boy scout troop, teaching an adult ed class, etc.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I think I'm more of a planner for sure - but my wife is more like you! Happy wife, happy life so I guess I'll have to continue being Mr spontaneity.

We have a monthly plan but except for events with limited ticket deals or plans with friends we keep it pretty loose. We don't sign up for any classes or sports leagues that require commitments and instead do mostly drop in activities. But events like taking the ferry to a restaurant across the bay for lunch, we just wouldn't do things that require an early start and take all day if we didn't plan things out in advance. We also like to take advantage of rush tickets and seat filler deals when they pop up, so we start out with a plan and then it always changes during the month.

Livenation has specials starting today - $25 all in tickets to many summer concerts.

 

[COcheesehead]

Having goals, challenges and a social network took care of the mental side for me in retirement.
I do a long distance bike event every year that requires a fairly strict routine of training in order to finish.
I work 4-5 days a month at a winery (a passion I’ve had for a long time) learning new things everyday.
We go out with people or have people over every week and we’ve made many new friends.

I don’t really think too much about “why” anymore, we just “do”.

 

[Markola]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

This is what I was formulating and I cannot improve on it. Similarly, someone made an impression on me who said, “You know, no one is going to remember you or anything you did in 50-100 years from now.” He meant it as a liberating comment, like “…So go enjoy yourself.”

 

[Koolau]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

This is what I was formulating and I cannot improve on it. Similarly, someone made an impression on me who said, “You know, no one is going to remember you or anything you did in 50-100 years from now.” He meant it as a liberating comment, like “…So go enjoy yourself.”

Sorry. I just can't agree. If nothing else, making a difference in my kid's lives makes my life have meaning and purpose. I'm now doing the same for my grand kids.

My grandparents were born in 1880. I still remember them as if I saw them last week. I know what a difference their love and care provided to my mom. As far as I am concerned, their lives had purpose (meaning).

It's true that all but a few of us who have gained either fame or infamy will be forgotten within 3 or 4 generations, but that doesn't mean lives ddidn't have purpose - okay, arguably.

Not worth a food fight but that's one man's opinion. As always, YMMV.

 

[marko]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

Here's what I believe:
Few of us have the chance to make historic level changes to the world.

But each of us in a small way can change things for centuries beyond.

It may be every day, week or month, or maybe just once in one's lifetime, a smile, a touch, a vote of encouragement to a stranger impacts their life.

We're all made up of a huge mosaic of experiences and people who, just by perhaps a few seconds have been lifted up or brought down. They in turn pass along that tiny mosaic tile to someone else.

You never know; something you said to someone years ago just slightly influences their decision on life or death. They go on and then influence someone else and they in turn someone else who may 100 years from now does something very important. Your small tile, in the tiniest of ways, contributed to that success.

A little bit of "Its a Wonderful Life " ....

But I'm rambling now...time for a second Scotch and the Bruins game.

 

[nwsteve]

No helpful advice here, only posting to say that you suffer from what many of us experience in life - figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Best wishes in your search.

+1

 

[young-ish]

This leaves me much time to continue to ponder my existential purpose in life, and I often wonder if I am destined for something more than just my primary duties, working out and my other hobbies...

Welcome aboard & thank you for sharing your story. I know the feeling exactly. We have all worked hard to earn this free time, now that we have it what's the best use of it? I have asked myself many times if I'm taking advantage of this short time on this spinning rock. I don't know the answer. It's probably going to take much experimenting to find out.

Good luck & it will be ok.

 

[COcheesehead]

Read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Puts anyone’s life into perspective.

 

[Sojourner]

I guess we all have to decide whether life has purpose and what purpose that would be. As a minimum, I submit that most people consider their offspring as a source of purpose. Of course, not everyone has children. I think I would be depressed if I believed life had no purpose but I make no judgement about anyone else's belief on this subject so YMMV.

IMHO, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to talk about someone's "purpose" in life. A knife has a purpose: to cut things. A fence has a purpose: to keep things in or out of your yard. But a person—and a person's life—does not have a purpose. We don't exist to do specific things or to serve a specific function. We exist because, well, we were born and one day we'll die. The real question is, what can we do with our brief time on this earth to achieve happiness and fulfillment? On that score, I have no easy answers and doubt anyone else does, either.

 

[Koolau]

^^^^^^^

I respectfully submit that we "discover" our purpose in life, just as we discover our favorite foods, our favorite activities, our friends, our mates. We may only know our "purpose" in the rear view mirror.

I mentioned kids as purpose. I also mentioned my c@reer. I never got much credit, but I made a difference in a megacorp of 25K people. I think that reveals a purpose (admittedly, in hind sight.)

NOT worth an argument as we all have our own philosophies of life and no one can tell another what their purpose is or if they have one or not. Just an interesting comparison of what we think about our existence so YMMV.

No right or wrong - just different.

Sheeeesh! How did we get here?

 

[Amethyst]

This! Somebody mentioned spirituality. To me, the human urge to make things is proof of our tiny spark of the Divine (however one pictures that).

Also, for me, getting into funny conversations with people, including (maybe especially) complete strangers. If I have made somebody - young, old, or inbetween - laugh because I showed them a different way of looking at a word, a thing, a situation, I have done my job for the day. Too bad I can't "set out" to do this; it has to just arise during the conversation

LPerhaps you can channel that into something that you find satisfying.
As an example, I enjoy making things. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as I'm creating or building or designing something.
I feel like you do when I let things get me down and I get away from my creative side.

 

[Markola]

Sorry. I just can't agree. If nothing else, making a difference in my kid's lives makes my life have meaning and purpose. I'm now doing the same for my grand kids.



My grandparents were born in 1880. I still remember them as if I saw them last week. I know what a difference their love and care provided to my mom. As far as I am concerned, their lives had purpose (meaning).



It's true that all but a few of us who have gained either fame or infamy will be forgotten within 3 or 4 generations, but that doesn't mean lives ddidn't have purpose - okay, arguably.



Not worth a food fight but that's one man's opinion. As always, YMMV.

Not fighting, either! I just think there’s a lot of unnecessary stress that comes from “WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!”, as if we’re all supposed to find some stone tablets on a mountain top and live a life that gets a state park named after us. Look at all the pressuring messages we put on graduating students this time of year. “If you can dream it, you can be it,” yada, yada. How about, “You’re good enough exactly as you are”?

The vast majority of us never will have such a PURPOSE, so avoid the stress, chill, and instead seek daily ENJOYMENT, FULFILLMENT in contributions and service to others (especially our kids and parents) and in achievements large and small, even if no one remembers you in 50 years. That’s all I meant.

 

[Sojourner]

NOT worth an argument as we all have our own philosophies of life and no one can tell another what their purpose is or if they have one or not. Just an interesting comparison of what we think about our existence so YMMV.

No right or wrong - just different.

Definitely agree and did not mean to come across as argumentative. I do believe, though, that "purpose" is overused and is somewhat of a cliché. I think more people would be (much) happier if they just stopped trying to fulfill some elusive "purpose" and started living in the moment.

 

[Koolau]

Not fighting, either! I just think there’s a lot of unnecessary stress that comes from “WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!”, as if we’re all supposed to find some stone tablets on a mountain top and live a life that gets a state park named after us. Look at all the pressuring messages we put on graduating students this time of year. “If you can dream it, you can be it,” yada, yada. How about, “You’re good enough exactly as you are”?

The vast majority of us never will have such a PURPOSE, so avoid the stress, chill, and instead seek daily ENJOYMENT, FULFILLMENT in contributions and service to others (especially our kids and parents) and in achievements large and small, even if no one remembers you in 50 years. That’s all I meant.

I don't know that I ever really 'worried' about purpose. Yeah, what do I want to be when I grow up, I did worry about but not purpose. I think I instinctively knew I would find my purpose as I went - and I'd know it when I saw it (especially in hindsight.)

Hindsight revealed what I had 'chosen' that gave my life purpose. YMMV

 

[NoworLater]

I spent a good few years in my 30s searching for my purpose .. I gave up, and decided if there was one, I can say I put in fair effort to find it, and didn’t — so either there isn’t one (as someone noted, I’m not a fence) or I will never find it, so it gave me peace and allowed me to quit pondering on it and just live life. It’s nice, because now in my 50s, I feel like I already did that, and don’t need to (try to) “find my purpose” again. I think sometimes (for me) the question really was “to whom and to what am I important” .. the answer was and still is family, friends and society. So that is where I place my thoughts and time. Good luck, and hope you find peace with this soon

 

[Sunset]

This is what I was formulating and I cannot improve on it. Similarly, someone made an impression on me who said, “You know, no one is going to remember you or anything you did in 50-100 years from now.” He meant it as a liberating comment, like “…So go enjoy yourself.”

But remember, there is no statue of limitations on murder.

 

[GTP2022]

Sittler27, I understand where you're coming from. I was telling my wife recently "We've done a great job of removing the alligators from the swamp (life obstacles), but I'm still not sure I'm figuring out what's fulfilling me". Should I be doing more volunteering? Should I focus on my health more? Travel more? Travel less? So many things to think about.

The silver lining to all of this is that you're thinking about it. Many live their lives dully and not examined. Keep thinking about it. You'll get there. I hope to, too One thing that has helped me is I've kept a log of "Things I like or am good at". Occasionally I reference that list. On that list for me is learning Jiu-Jitsu. Franky I've been too lazy to go to the first class, but at least I know the obstacle - laziness - and not a lack of interests. Maybe this will be the week...

Go do the class. I love it, very rewarding and great people.

 

[EastWest Gal]

What makes us human is that we create. So we get to create our meaning. It doesn't have an external source. What other species writes books, builds roads, bridges, and buildings, creates music and art, and creates entire civilizations?

Create something. Take an art class, do photography, become an epic bowler (or just break 100), whatever. We also create our funks. I find that if I have even a small job to do in my life that it is satisfying. Walk on a local trail and pick up trash. Better, get some friends to do it with you.

Creating is what we do. It is what we do to have meaning. We don't have to search for it externally.

 

[pacergal]

OP--
perhaps you can rethink the whole "work to earn" scenario, where the "earn" is not $?

maybe the earn/reward is memories with kids as you spend time with them, or the smile on your moms face as you recount something funny your dad did, or fresh healthy food on the table if you plant a vegetable garden and tend to it?

 

[meleana]

Life has no purpose. You make what you want to make of it. In the end it doesn't matter.

Exactly!

My purpose in life is to not work! ! And just “ be”.

 

[fire161007]

It can be challenging for those who have focused their entire lives on their careers to transition into retirement. I'd recommend reading Ernie Zelinski, "The Joy of Not Working". It may help you find your way.

It's nice to see someone also from the GTA. I'm actually in a similar situation. Retired from an IT job 6 years ago in my mid 40's. I have 2 teenagers as well. I find that they take up a lot of time and energy and also keep me on a regular schedule. I won't consider myself fully retired until they are off on their own.

The biggest thing I miss about working is the social aspect. It's a challenge finding early retirees to socialize with.

DM me if you want to chat.

 

[Bunker]

Took several years for me to get through this phase, and like OP, landed on diet and exercise to fill a few hours in my otherwise uneventful days of goofing off on the internet and around the house and garden. Lost 25 pounds and at 53, probably the best shape I've ever been in. That's something....but is it enough?



Still have "moments" where I feel it all slipping away year after year, but still not enough motivation to re-engage.



What does my head in a bit is the cold hard reality that I've been gone from my old line of work for 10 years now, so my relevance and the old network of contacts, has evaporated. Once you get off the merry-go-round and stay gone, things and people move on, retire, get killed/die, etc.


Maybe I've shed all the cultural expectations foisted on us about how one should live a productive life. Me more like caveman now. Food, shelter, water, clothing. Unga Bunga! LOL.