Power of Attorney Dilemma

[OHjosh]

I've been pondering this one for a few weeks and realized this is a good place to get some other ideas.

I have all my documents in place for when I become incapacitated or die. I have a first POA/executor, a backup should the first be unable or unwilling to serve, and even a third. The challenge here is two-fold: (1) The first two designees are in their early to mid 60s. (2) The third designee is my nephew, (mid-thirties) who, although able to do the practical aspects, has had little contact with me until recently (another story altogether).

The more I interact with him, the more I find him to be an arrogant jerk. I believe he lacks respect for me (in fact, 99% of humanity). I lack the certainty that he would carry out his POA for health care duties with real care or concern for me. I have a good deal of creative work on my computer but I have seen little interest or respect for him on that. And he has that general disdain for family heirlooms; it's dust-catching junk to him.

After my death, I think my personal works would just be wiped clean. There would be a big estate sale and off he would go, like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol. And yet, I have no one else in a younger age bracket to turn to with confidence.

Any ideas? Allowing the court to do this doesn't seem like a good idea. Can one hire a firm? Is there a non profit of some sort I am unaware of?

 

[MarieIG]

I've been pondering this one for a few weeks and realized this is a good place to get some other ideas.

I have all my documents in place for when I become incapacitated or die. I have a first POA/executor, a backup should the first be unable or unwilling to serve, and even a third. The challenge here is two-fold: (1) The first two designees are in their early to mid 60s. (2) The third designee is my nephew, (mid-thirties) who, although able to do the practical aspects, has had little contact with me until recently (another story altogether).

The more I interact with him, the more I find him to be an arrogant jerk. I believe he lacks respect for me (in fact, 99% of humanity). I lack the certainty that he would carry out his POA for health care duties with real care or concern for me. I have a good deal of creative work on my computer but I have seen little interest or respect for him on that. And he has that general disdain for family heirlooms; it's dust-catching junk to him.

After my death, I think my personal works would just be wiped clean. There would be a big estate sale and off he would go, like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol. And yet, I have no one else in a younger age bracket to turn to with confidence.

Any ideas? Allowing the court to do this doesn't seem like a good idea. Can one hire a firm? Is there a non profit of some sort I am unaware of?

Hi Josh,

First, I am sorry for your situation. Secondly, is anything imminent or do you have time?

Third, yes, you can always hire someone to do something, if you pay enough money. I am not aware of a non-profit, but do you have a particular minster/ church/ temple, with which you are affiliated? One of our board members, Terry, has mentioned that she did that for a friend. (I would do it for a very dear friend, although I would not be a med proxy for money. If you are a caring person, it can be very draining.)

Are you able to describe the type of creative works on you computer about you are speaking to give us some ideas regarding its preservation?

Oh, and if nephew is a jerk, remove him as an alternative ASAP.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I did it for a good friend because her husband was dying and she had Alzheimer’s. I didn’t want her to be a ward of the state. It was a ton of work.

 

[Col. Klink]

Do you have an (estate planning) attorney? Sure, you will pay for the service, but you will not be around anyway. The attorney can act as POA or executor of the estate. At least you can sleep knowing your affairs will be executed as you intended.

 

[MarieIG]

I did it for a good friend because her husband was dying and she had Alzheimer’s. I didn’t want her to be a ward of the state. It was a ton of work.

I was thinking about you.

 

[GrayHare]

There's no easier, assured way to archive creative works than to publish them online yourself.

 

[mountainsoft]

After my death, I think my personal works would just be wiped clean. There would be a big estate sale and off he would go, like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but what would you LIKE to be done with your personal works and estate when you die? You didn't make it sound like you had a spouse or children to leave a legacy to, so does it really matter what happens to your stuff once your gone? You'll be dead, it's not like you'll be using it or get satisfaction knowing it's being treasured like you did.

If you don't have any direct heirs, you could always leave your estate to a charity of some kind.

I have built and created many things I value, and own many material items that have sentimental value. But those feelings are mine. To anyone else it's just $2 junk at a garage sale. I treasure what I have while I'm living, once I'm gone it doesn't matter anymore.

Does your nephew even WANT that responsibility? If he has said as much, maybe he cares more than his personality would suggest.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Most of the work was making sure she got good care in the home, stay on top of side effects of medications, etc. Her husband and I disposed of all their earthly goods before he died. Very little work once she died.

 

[audreyh1]

I think you should make arrangements ahead of time as to who should get things you value and personal works and donte then before you get too old. Don’t leave it to an executor that will already have their hands full. DH has made arrangements with a couple of places (non profits) to give them rights to his photography original files.

 

[easysurfer]

I would take the jerk nephew out as the third designee. If he is not responsible now, what makes you think that he may suddenly be when you are incapacitated or gone. You don't have to have three people and though he is younger than the other two, sounds like could be more trouble than good as it sounds like he would raid your account.

As for executor, you can also name co-executors like a family member plus attorney. That way, if they get along, they should, in theory, keep each other honest.

 

[Gotadimple]

First of all, the POA for health matters DOES NOT have to be your executor. It can be a trusted friend who knows you and knows your wishes. Same for financial matters, if you are unable to manage your finances, it can be someone else other than your Executor.


Acting as executor is a lot of work. In some states, you can't hire the same firm that drew up your will to act as executor, but there are other firms who will do the work. They get reimbursed from the estate for their costs (just as the individual who acts as your executor would). Look for Estate Services firms, or get a reference from the attorney who drew up your documents.


- Rita

 

[rk911]

we set up a trust for the two of us with my sister (62), my BIL (75) and then my nephew (30) although my nephew is polar opposite of the OPs. we were more concerned with our nephew moving thousands of miles away from us. so we added the attorney and his firm as #4 on the list...a fall-thru position.

 

[OHjosh]

Thanks to all who posted so far; I was way in too much a hurry on my first post. I am "only" 63, my death is not imminent (I think ), and I am in excellent health. So good I may very well outlast my two friends in the first two POA positions. That is why i am so concerned looking way out. I am not married and the rest of my nuclear family and their kids are arrogant or insensitive as well; it runs in the family. (Hope I am right about doing enough personal work to escape those epithets being applied to me!)

I have done POA, POA for HC and executor for a number of people in my family and life to date. I know the jobs don't have to be connected together and I know how hard they are to do with forethought and well under fire.Writing and reading what I did, Monday, I will go to the bank and remove my nephew from the POA listings in the will. Ah.... Then I ponder who might be able to serve as third.

My creative material consists of a book, a number of chronicles on my life, some plays (mostly in process), poetry, and song. These may not all be stellar, but I know they are damn good and the right person would find them or enormous help in their life and growth. I am really not sure what to do with all of this creative work before I die. I know of artist archives but that is usually paintings, sculpture, etc. I just hate the idea that someone like my nephew would just wipe it away with no sensitivity of thought.

An ideal person lives in a state far away. I may be her eyes and ears for her parents as they age here, but I don;t know if she would be willing to act in my stead. All I can do is ask. There was a law firm who was wonderful when my mom was dying from dementia... she knows how crazy my family is! They might be willing to be engaged.

 

[socca]

My creative material consists of a book, a number of chronicles on my life, some plays (mostly in process), poetry, and song. These may not all be stellar, but I know they are damn good and the right person would find them or enormous help in their life and growth. I am really not sure what to do with all of this creative work before I die. I know of artist archives but that is usually paintings, sculpture, etc. I just hate the idea that someone like my nephew would just wipe it away with no sensitivity of thought.

A couple of relevant favorite quotes:

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. -Woody Allen

If a man does not erect in this age his own tomb ere he dies, he shall live no longer in monument than the bell rings and the widow weeps. -Shakespeare

If your creative work hasn't been recognized/appreciated (yet) while you are alive, then why do you believe that it will suddenly be recognized/appreciated after your death?

 

[audreyh1]

My creative material consists of a book, a number of chronicles on my life, some plays (mostly in process), poetry, and song. These may not all be stellar, but I know they are damn good and the right person would find them or enormous help in their life and growth. I am really not sure what to do with all of this creative work before I die. I know of artist archives but that is usually paintings, sculpture, etc. I just hate the idea that someone like my nephew would just wipe it away with no sensitivity of thought.

You have to find an organization or a person to give this to. I don’t think you can expect your nephew to handle this.

 

[RunningBum]

I would have no idea what to do with the music and writings if I was the one with POA or executor. You need to find that right person to give them to now, or put it in your will. Otherwise, don't worry about what happens to your stuff when you're gone.

 

[steelyman]

I would have no idea what to do with the music and writings if I was the one with POA or executor. You need to find that right person to give them to now, or put it in your will. Otherwise, don't worry about what happens to your stuff when you're gone.

Didn’t Emily Dickinson express a wish that her work not be published?

If true, that would have been a real loss.

 

[tps7742]

Good luck on finding the “right” people to entrusting in your music and writings. Your nephew doesn’t sound like a good choice as mentioned. Having been in the POA position and currently performing these duties for my mother, I can understand where a 30 something wouldn’t be interested. Imho it’s not a privileged position to have to deal with and more of a pain from my experiences.

 

[RunningBum]

Didn’t Emily Dickinson express a wish that her work not be published?

If true, that would have been a real loss.

Well, for one thing, that's the opposite situation, so it doesn't really apply to the OP. Except it does show that if you want something specific done with your works, do it yourself before you die because you can't count on what others will do after your death, whether it is preserving or destroying your work as you wish.

 

[MichaelB]

if you want something specific done with your works, do it yourself before you die because you can't count on what others will do after your death, whether it is preserving or destroying your work as you wish.

This. No one else can do it.

 

[Music Lover]

My creative material consists of a book, a number of chronicles on my life, some plays (mostly in process), poetry, and song. These may not all be stellar, but I know they are damn good and the right person would find them or enormous help in their life and growth. I am really not sure what to do with all of this creative work before I die. I know of artist archives but that is usually paintings, sculpture, etc. I just hate the idea that someone like my nephew would just wipe it away with no sensitivity of thought.

Books, poetry, and plays can be published, and music can be recorded. Do it now because once you're gone it's very likely that no one else will care enough to do so.

I can relate to the topic of someone else's original music. Over the last couple of years I helped my friend record 40 or 50 of his original songs (playing, arranging, and mixing). Even though I did all that, my interest never went beyond helping him out and refining my studio techniques. The reality is that when he passes the music will be probably be lost and all of his unfinished songs will remain unfinished. So, even if you record or publish your works, you shouldn't expect anyone to be interested in them once you're gone.

 

[mountainsoft]

I can relate to the topic of someone else's original music. Over the last couple of years I helped my friend record 40 or 50 of his original songs (playing, arranging, and mixing). Even though I did all that, my interest never went beyond helping him out and refining my studio techniques. The reality is that when he passes the music will be probably be lost and all of his unfinished songs will remain unfinished. So, even if you record or publish your works, you shouldn't expect anyone to be interested in them once you're gone.

My mom and step dad used to have a small country music band, mostly singing at bars and whatnot. In later years they sang together at church. They weren't professional artists by any means, but it was a fascinating stage of their life they really enjoyed together.

Mom wrote many original songs, but they never had a professional recording done. In the late 70's they sat down with a cassette tape recorder and recorded many of their songs. The quality was terrible, but it least they recorded something. He died a few years later in 1984 at the age of 39 (drowning).

Mom got remarried and eventually cut off contact with everyone for over 20 years. She had never given me a copy of those tapes so I figured they were lost forever. Then she had a stroke in 2017 and I found the tapes in her piles of junk as we were cleaning out her house. I spent a couple days transferring those old tapes to digital form on my computer so they wouldn't be lost and I could have backup copies.

Long story short, it made mom happy to hear those old recordings again after so many years. It brought back many fond memories. For me, I might listen to a few of them on very rare occasions, only because I remember them singing together in church. On the other hand, my daughter never knew my step dad and barely knows my mom. She had never heard them sing together so she has zero interest in hearing those poor quality recordings. Once I'm gone, I'm sure they will be gone forever.

 

[googily]

On the subject of POAs, I am a widow with no heirs, so while my brother is my executor, we aren't really that close, and I do believe he will just back up a dumpster to my door and toss everything, so I have written instructions about what to do with various items and have everything very well organized, especially family genealogy stuff, with the hope that he'll hold onto that for his kids.

Maybe someday one of my nieces or nephews will get to the age where they might be a good choice instead of their father, but that's a ways off.

I also have two very close friends who also hold my health care POA, since I'm not sure I want the person who stands to benefit the most from my passing to also be the one deciding whether to pull the plug. [emoji16]