Really need help with sister inheritance

[pj.mask]

I would do things like pay her rent and other bills directly as needed but do not give her all the $. I worked in human services for 24 years. Until she is clean nothing will work. My son at age 40 was clean for a year, had a job, apartment, etc and then fell off the wagon and is homeless using again. Ugh!

I agree. 4% on 150k will pay for a cheap apartment. At least she will have a place to live. Up to you if you want conditions. Lawsuits can ruin y’all relationship

 

[dallas27]

A lot of people are focusing on saving the relationships. I’ll just add we are not very close at all, and I am the type of weird person that has no problem being hated by the whole family if that is the result of trying to improve her life for the sake of everyone. I just dont maintain close family relationships the way most people do, even with my parents. Relationship with sister has been virtually non-existent for years, civil, but only see every couple years briefly at a holiday dinner or something.

Our parents are divorced, since around the time she started using for other reasons. Father is caring and good person but given up on helping her. She has been insanely horrible to our mother, they don’t talk. If they do it is screaming. Both are exhausted of the situation and suggested to give her all the money and let happen what happens. Seem fatalistic to me, and I have to live with the outcome of my decisions.

 

[RobbieB]

I would just follow the instructions in the trust and bow out (as is your preference) as soon as possible.

 

[Sue J]

I have no advice about the inheritance, just what I learned from my brother, whose addiction wasn't even the hard drugs, just the "recreational" stuff.

1 - Nothing is more important than the drug.
2 - Drug addicts lie.

A drug addict doesn't have the capacity to think about saving, budgeting, investing for the future. For a heroin addict extra money goes right into the vein.

Good luck to the OP. After reading all the posts, the idea of having someone else running the trust will remove you from thinking that you can do anything to control your sister's use of the money.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Sorry you have had to deal with your sister’s situation for a long time. Whatever you do re handling her inheritance for her, remember it won’t be your fault how she uses it.

 

[jimnjana]

She gets the money in whatever amounts i see fit. Lump, over years, whatever. Yes she is capable, but drugs and emotions always make that difficult. Hoping against hope that her obscene fixation on this money motivates her to take control of herself and have a chance at a decent life.

Then the ball is in your court. Don't give her a dime unless she cleans herself up.

 

[always_learning]

Addicts don't manage money. They lose it, it gets stolen, or it goes to buy drugs.

Your family is placing you in a difficult position. You are expected to be the one to say no and dole out the money for things that are really needed without letting her have the money. That's a recipe for disaster. The addict will hate you, and the family's expectation that you will use the money to "take care of her" will not be met. In your shoes, I would ask to be removed from the position of being the trustee and that someone else, perhaps outside the family, become the trustee.

This. So much this. If for no other reason than for your own peace of mind. You will be hounded day in and day out for more money. And your sister may bring "friends" with her to hound you.

Agree that it might be best to decline appointment as trustee... you can do that... and have a pro put in place. Hopefully your sister will get mad at the pro when she doesn't get what she wants and you can preserve your relationship with her and be in a better position to help her. Tough love is required.

This is what I would do. Familial relationships not withstanding, I would not want to be involved in this for my own sanity. I envision constant begging for money and drug addicts can get violent. OP, do you live nearby?

OP you are in a unwinnable situation, and I feel for you...

BUT....what the above poster says about the CRIMINALS that surround addicts is very important for YOU to understand.....

What happens when your sister starts complaining to her "friends" that her sibling is controlling what to HER may be a fortune....I would NOT want to be in your shoes. Drug addicts are scary people who will do anything to get money for thier addiction. I would not put my own family into this mess.

Either give up being responsible for the trust, or get ready for a possible raft of S****. In all likelihood, a long time addict's brain is ruined and will never be the same. If she's railing and violent NOW, what happens when she's whining to someone "Well my sibling has my inheritance and won't cough it up-let's go over and see if we can make him...."

Please take my advice. I have a mentally ill brother who I've tried to "fix" for 45 years. It will NOT happen. I still worry about him when I lie awake at nights. His brain is ruined. His life sucks. He is 70, and is in assisted living which is based on SSI and a small VA pension. I tried having him live with me for a while and it was a nightmare. I KNOW he'll never be normal, and I can't fix him, but that doesn't mean I don't have remorse over his wasted life.

Also, he could NOT inherit, or he would have lost his spot in this place, which would have been a disaster.

My brother is lost in a world of paranoid delusions, and I have long since stopped thinking HE wants to live a life of "normalcy". He cares NOT about his hygiene, surroundings, the outside world.

He is in his own world, and for YEARS I tried to mold his life into what I thought it should be. I won't even go into what it did to my Mom.

A drug addict with years of use is probably the same. The ONLY thing they care about it the next fix. A lay person can not even begin to heal her.

Please don't get between the addict and a pile of money. It will not be worth it, and YOU will suffer WAY more than your sister ever will. It's one thing to be the "bad guy" to her, but please think about the creeps she surrounds herself with every day. As for giving her a book...might as well give one to your dog-it'll get more out of it.

Good luck.

There is so much truth in this post.

A lot of people are focusing on saving the relationships. I’ll just add we are not very close at all, and I am the type of weird person that has no problem being hated by the whole family if that is the result of trying to improve her life for the sake of everyone. I just dont maintain close family relationships the way most people do, even with my parents. Relationship with sister has been virtually non-existent for years, civil, but only see every couple years briefly at a holiday dinner or something.

Our parents are divorced, since around the time she started using for other reasons. Father is caring and good person but given up on helping her. She has been insanely horrible to our mother, they don’t talk. If they do it is screaming. Both are exhausted of the situation and suggested to give her all the money and let happen what happens. Seem fatalistic to me, and I have to live with the outcome of my decisions.

I understand about being willing to take the punches and be the fall guy. Just be sure you've thought about the mental toll it could take on you and your family. The stress, alone, would make me say no and force a 3rd party appointee. That doesn't mean you're a bad person at all. It just means you're doing the right thing for your sister, your family, and yourself. It's not selfish at all for you to refuse.

 

[Chuckanut]

FWIW, the OP might be better served by attending some Al-Anon meetings so as to learn how to avoid being sucked into the addict's messy life. IMHO, being responsible for her money will really suck one far into a messy life, which includes, as mentioned, drug dealers, criminal behavior, and other addicts.

Attend a few Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meetings. You are not the first person to go through this, and, alas, you won't be the last.

 

[Nemo2]

What happens when your sister starts complaining to her "friends" that her sibling is controlling what to HER may be a fortune....I would NOT want to be in your shoes. Drug addicts are scary people who will do anything to get money for thier addiction.

My late wife had a brother who was killed in a vehicle accident; the brother's girlfriend had a drug problem and she thought there was money, (from dealing grass), on his property....she and her 'friends' went to the property, killed his dogs, (who were being looked after by a neighbor), and searched (ransacked) the place.

Don't trust junkies.

 

[gretah]

Dallas - you have my sympathy for this difficult situation.

You might look into placing her funds into a Trust that is managed by a Guardian. The Guardian not only protects your sister from herself, the guardian also is responsible for keeping funds in low risk investments / accounts.

You can learn more about guardianships by asking your local hospital's hospice office for resources.

Good luck!