Tacky new wedding trend: Why newlyweds aren’t sending thank yous

[Midpack]

Just another sign we’re old and out of touch I guess.

We attended the wedding of our favorite nephew in mid July, it was wonderful, and we’re glad we were invited. It was a nice affair, somewhat on a budget. TBH I appreciate when newlyweds don’t go crazy spending on a wedding.

They specifically requested no gifts (we get that), no registry, but I assume everyone left an envelope. We left a nice note with $500 in cash. [Our travel and related expenses, gladly spent, were about $1500]

We haven’t heard a word from the couple…

Honestly we’re not miffed that we didn’t get a thank you, we’d just be more comfortable if we knew they actually got our gift - and the $ didn’t leave with a (dishonest) guest or a catering employee.

We’re tempted to eventually call nephew just to make sure they got it (if we don’t hear something within 3 months?), but we can’t think of any way to do that without coming off as soliciting a thank you - again, not our goal. Odds are we’ll never call, and just hope we hear some day. And I guess I’ll insist we write a check instead of cash in the future.

Unheard of how we were brought up, but evidently this isn’t uncommon nowadays:

I’d say out of the past 10 weddings I’ve attended in the past year, only four of the couples sent me an official thank you for the gift I took time and effort to pick out and purchase.

“For the past few weddings we attended, in which cash gifts were provided, no thank you card was sent… not even an email or social post of acknowledgement,” Erin Tselenchuk, a San Francisco-based events planner, tells SheKnows. “Due to the value of the gifts, I had to check with someone — the bride, groom, parents of either — to ensure that the gift was received and not stolen. Even after the inquiry was made, there wasn’t a verbal thank you either.”

The reason? Some couples feel that providing a lavish party is good enough.

“There is an expectation of entitlement and that the thank you to their guests for the gift is being able to attend a lavish wedding,” adds Tselenchuk.

https://www.sheknows.com/health-and...ing-gift-thank-you-cards-a-thing-of-the-past/

 

[SecondCor521]

Miss Manners would say that a written thank you is always appropriate.

I think there is some etiquette rule for how long you're supposed to wait to get a thank you, and the polite way to inquire with suggested language.

I'd never leave an envelope with cash; I would do a check in a card in an envelope.

When I was a kid my understanding from my parents was that not writing a thank you note was a way of letting the person know they never needed to gift anything to you ever again. Probably a bit Machiavellian of an approach by my parents, but it worked. I made my kids write thank you's until they were grown ups but I'm not sure if the habit stuck.

ETA: Not Miss Manners, but https://theweddinghouseatpalisade.com/miss-manners-thank-you-notes/ suggests a few weeks, and Emily Post suggests 3 months from gift receipt at https://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous

 

[Calico]

My niece was married several years ago.

I was unable to attend the wedding, but I sent a nice gift from their registry.

About 6 months later I received a generic, "form" thank you card saying "thank you for your gift."

There was no mention of the actual item I sent them; they clearly just sent out a bunch of cards to everyone with the exact same verbiage.

It's not the way I was raised, but then not much is these days.

 

[HarveyS]

It bugs me, also. Five weddings in the last 18 months. Thank you cards from 2. When I griped about this to another friend, she emphatically stated the bride and groom had 12 months to send a thank you. I suggested that the guest had 12 months to send a gift, but the TY should be within 3 months. Either way, 12 months have gone by on several weddings and no cards. The Thank You notes we did get were within 2 months. (The checks all got cashed within a few weeks of the weddings).

I get that the current generation may not want/need/expect a card. That's fine. However, I also think the bride and groom should meet the gift giver's expectation, not the current social practice. I am also in the camp of "no thank you, no more gifts" camp.

Yeah, I'm a bit irked by this.

 

[audreyh1]

I’m just relieved that I never go to weddings.

 

[street]

Yep, have had the same experience no Thank You Cards.

I might add, that when son and family have had events happen, I have asked them if they send Thank You's.

They know where that is going, and they have always said Yes. I sometimes hate to admit but parenting never stops.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

Thank you notes were drilled into me as a kid. As a kid I hated writing them but now I do. Certainly the motivation now is 100% gratitude and not because I *have* to. Most people are surprised to get them and many appreciate them. I've gotten thank yous for the TYNs.


You might still get one; while I wouldn't hold my breath, it's only been a couple months and I'd consider it late but with wedding, honey moon, and the chaos of life around that event perhaps there was some procrastination. The newlyweds should have planned on it and scheduled time to send out appropriate thank yous (perhaps not since they specified no gifts?) -especially for those that traveled and provided gifts. IIRC, it took my ex and me a bit of time to get our TYN out -I vaguely remember feeling bad we didn't get them out within a week. I would ask if I was you just to make sure that it was received and it can be a subtle reminder to them that maybe they should have/should send TYN to you and anyone else that was generous with a gift.

 

[ksr]

Almost 10 years ago I attended the wedding of a friend’s daughter. I gave the couple a gift card. In hindsight, I wish I had put the gift card in a small box and wrapped it, but I put it in a card and placed it with the other gifts. I never received a thank you, and have always wondered if the card was taken or misplaced. To this day, whenever I see the couple, I have a small level of discomfort, wondering if they think I didn’t give a gift or if they just didn’t acknowledge it.
A few years later, another daughter of the same friend got married and I attended that wedding as well. I gave a gift off the registry. Although I did get a thank you note, it was for the wrong gift.

 

[Act2]

It is sad that the custom of thank you notes is fading, not just for wedding gifts but for any gifts. On the bright side, I remain impressed at how diligent the younger adults in my family are about sending short, handwritten thank you notes to acknowledge gifts. (I suspect I’d be rethinking my gift habits if they stopped sending the notes.)

 

[Aerides]

We left a nice note with $500 in cash.

It is plausible that this never made it to the couple. These days I'd plan to take a nice card/note, and venmo them the cash - and put perhaps a print out of that in the card as well?

But, even Emily Post of yore allowed up to 6 months for wedding thank yous.

I remember doing them, they are a chore...and it's hard to write something about cash - those were the hardest ones to write.

 

[Midpack]

It is plausible that this never made it to the couple. These days I'd plan to take a nice card/note, and venmo them the cash - and put perhaps a print out of that in the card as well?

But, even Emily Post of yore allowed up to 6 months for wedding thank yous.

I remember doing them, they are a chore...and it's hard to write something about cash - those were the hardest ones to write.

We just want to know they got it, no “thank you” needed. A text would be good enough…

 

[Jerry1]

I go to very few weddings and some that I don’t I’ll send a card/gift. Not sure what’s going on but I’ve always received a thank you. I personally think a thank you is absolutely necessary. It’s a shame that some don’t think they have time to say thank you.

 

[Aerides]

We just want to know they got it, no “thank you” needed. A text would be good enough…

Understood, but not required by the couple (technically) at 2 months. Maybe ask the parents if you can find a way to do so that allows you to be discreet?

 

[MarieIG]

I am not sure why. We went to a wedding in May gifted via check. (The envelopes were collected by staff.) It was a few weeks before the check cleared, and longer before we received a thank you. I also wondered whether the gift had been received.

I never received a thank you for a baby gift I sent a young relative. When I saw him I asked flat out whether he received it.

I received a homemade thank you card from my five-year-old granddaughter for her birthday gift.

 

[marko]

It's funny and sad.

We have 7 nieces and nephews. Four on BILs side and three from SILs side. The four are well educated and wealthy. They all ALWAYS send a thank you, either through the mail or a text, even for the slightest thing.

The other three are losers who wouldn't even SAY thank you if their life depended on it. When pressed, they say it's "awkward ". Ironically, we've done more for the losers over their lifetimes.

Overall, I'm disappointed in how we've lost any sense of etiquette in our culture. People today don't even know how to hold a fork in their hand, let alone write a thank you note.. Having said that, historically, the couple usually has three months to send thank you's after a wedding, IIRC.

OP, had you left a check, you'd at least know they received the gift. I'd never leave $500 in cash at a wedding...too many eyes, distractions and sticky fingers.

 

[Dreamer]

We had a great nephew who graduated from high school this year and we attended his graduation party in VA. We received a very nice thank you note from him right away.

We saw a great niece who was also graduating a few weeks later in NC. We did not attend her party, but sent a check. We received a thank you card from her also.

 

[dknighd]

When I was a kid my understanding from my parents was that not writing a thank you note was a way of letting the person know they never needed to gift anything to you ever again.

That was my understanding as well.

 

[dknighd]

We just want to know they got it, no “thank you” needed. A text would be good enough…

A thank you for the gift should be included in the text!

 

[DJRR]

50/50 for me. My own daughter/SIL did not send out thank you cards despite letting them know my generation expected it and providing the cards

They don't need to be elaborate and personal explaining how the gift was used, etc. like my wife likes to try to do taking 30-45min per card. When she burns out I finish the rest in 15 minutes: Dear_____ Thanks for the _____ it looks great in the house. We love and appreciate you. Sincerely Us

 

[Car-Guy]

I can't remember the last time I actually went to a wedding. Usually just send a check and usually get a thank you note. Actually I can't remember not getting a thank you.

 

[SecondCor521]

A few years later, another daughter of the same friend got married and I attended that wedding as well. I gave a gift off the registry. Although I did get a thank you note, it was for the wrong gift.

Reading the other comments brought back a memory of when we wrote thank you cards after our wedding. We had a relatively small wedding with about 200 guests. As is I suspect common, we had a gift table, and some family member shuttled the gifts and cards from the church to our apartment. When we got back from our honeymoon, we opened the large pile of gifts and cards and had a family member take notes on who gave what so we could write thank you's.

Despite our best diligent efforts, we did end up with a few gifts where we weren't sure who gave them, or we knew someone gave a gift but we weren't sure what it was. We wrote specific thank you's for 95% of them - "Thanks Aunt Sue for the crockpot". But for the few question marks we decided to at least write and send generic "thank you for the lovely gift" notes.

If I got a thank you for the wrong gift, I'd consider that the couple did their best and that with 50 or 100 gifts and the general busyness and chaos of a wedding that sometimes things happen.

(I'm not saying you're being critical of the couple, @ksr. Just remembering that memory and making a general, somewhat related comment.)

 

[JoeWras]

So thankful my niece turned out to be such a great young lady. This girl (19 yr old at the time) spent 2 nights in jail because the judge thought she should, even though he knew the charge would probably be expunged (it was). He was a smart judge. She deserved some kind of punishment.

My niece switched her life around after that.

Last month we visited and gave her kids Christmas presents early. A few weeks later we get thank you notes from the 3 kids. They are wonderful! Hand written, although the 6 year old drew the thank you as himself playing with the gift.

Precious. We are thankful all around. I sent her a text thanking her for the thanks. These are the things that make life great.

 

[dknighd]

We had a relatively small wedding with about 200 guests.

That is considered small?

 

[ivinsfan]

I have another wedding question. We are going to the wedding of a son of our oldest friends. The groom is 46..first wedding. I'm thrilled about it as he is a wonderful man. I'm also thrilled we were invited, as apart from actual family maybe a dozen people were included. I love this kid.



It's about a 4 hour drive one way, and involves an overnight in hotel. We've been invited to enjoy the whole weekend so that's wonderful. So I get our invitation and in 2 different places it says your presence is our gift, no gifts please.


On the RSVP in little tiny letters it says we don't want gifts but if you must we are registered here and also here. What on earth does this actually mean? If you want gifts don't put no gifts please twice and then say oh well if you have to here's what we want. It's confusing.

 

[CaptTom]

I have mixed feelings about thank-you notes. It's a nice tradition. And of course knowing the gift was received is as important as the appreciation.

But to get an actual, paper card or letter in the mail these days seems like an anachronism. Who actually writes any more? On paper? A text, e-mail or social media post would do the same thing. I'd be OK with that.

Part of me worries that young kids whose parents insist on hand-written thank-you notes for everything are being set up to be out of touch with their peers.

I'm not saying I'm opposed to the practice of written thank-you's. Just trying to be tolerant of changing social norms and not judgmental.