Waiting for spouse to take the plunge

[twobits]

Hi, we've been following the forum here for awhile, learning a lot, making plans. Self-employed as a consultant, my spouse has gradually decreased the number of clients he works with, getting used to less income, more free time. He is currently working part time and thinks he's mentally ready to be retired, but now the problem for him is numbers.

We hit his financial goal December 2021, but he wanted OMY just to make sure, and then the market downturn happened. The numbers still work for us, but he has that previous amount in his head and wants to get back to it. I've shown him the successful firecalc results in different scenarios and our portfolio balances with enough cash to weather a downturn, so he knows we're fine, but he still wants that added financial cushion for reassurance.

I figure on the scale of pros and cons, the pros of retirement (freedom) will eventually outweigh the cons of working (client headaches and hassles) and he'll get comfortable with the numbers we have, because I think it will be awhile before we hit the December 2021 numbers again.

I'm technically his partner in the business, but I just take care of the bookkeeping and miscellaneous other tasks. It doesn't take much time for me, but he has a hard time being away from the phone/computer while we do leisure activities. His worry that emails/voicemails are waiting for him to take care of sometimes prevents him from enjoying the free time he has and I'd love to see him let it all go and just enjoy himself.

A little more about us...I'm 55, he'll be 57 in a few months. Our children are grown and out of the house, fully independent. Our only debt is our mortgage, with a less than 3% interest rate. No health issues at this time. There shouldn't be anything holding us back.

So, this is mostly just an intro, but if anyone has any advice I can share with him about taking that plunge, I'd appreciate it! Otherwise, I'll just be patient and wait for him to decide he's ready

 

[MarieIG]

Hi twobits,

Since you have been on the forum since 2018, you should be familiar with the questions to ask before retirement and FireCalc which are linked below for your easy access.

Some Important Questions to Answer Before Asking - Can I Retire?

FIRECalc

It is difficult to change another person's comfort level/ readiness. It is possible that the portfolio numbers may not recover for a few years. Your DH has to come to point where he can deal with that. The good news is that you have limited debt, which should give you some room to cut expenses if necessary. So perhaps rerunning the numbers and coming up with a plan to deal with potential market downturns may make him more retirement ready.

In the meantime, appreciate him going part-time/ cutting back on his work load.

 

[pacergal]

Welcome!
If all of the numbers work for your budget, it seems you are financially ready. But your spouse is not emotionally ready, so being patient sounds like the best thing to do.

Keep having the conversations, at some point he will get there. But if he doesn't, what is your stopping point, given that you also help with the business?
That's maybe the conversation to start having.

Life goes by way faster than you think.

 

[twobits]

Thank you for the replies, we are familiar with the questions to ask before retirement, I think it's more the psychological hurdle of accepting it will work. You are both right, though, and I'll keep being patient, wait for him to get comfortable with the numbers. I was so happy he went part time before because I think going full time work to full time retirement would have been too big a shock for him, and this is easing him into it.


Pacergal, I haven't thought about my stopping point, probably because the business doesn't take up much of my time, and I have hobbies that keep me busy when he is working. My frustration comes from him wanting to do things, but then letting work keep him from fully enjoying whatever we're doing. That would be a good conversation to have, though. Thank you for the suggestion.


We both know people who waited longer than they needed to, then had health issues or physical impairments get in the wait of their plans, so that also weighs on us.

 

[street]

I'm not sure I have any convincing words for him other than there is more to life than work. I will say I believe it is a lot harder to walk away from making a living being your own boss.

Even though the commitments, stress, extra hours and all that go along with a demanding career being your own boss is a lot different than working for someone else.

I would say if you can, you should, life goes by fast, ER isn't the end but just the start of a whole new venture and life.

I was one I thought would work till I dropped but it came to a point in my life, my time left on earth was valved more than my work and the money I earned.

Good luck and do have a plan for all fronts and events for ER.

 

[Dash man]

I retired about your age at 56. My wife chose to work three more years, even though it wasn’t needed. Her regret now is she didn’t retire with me so we’d have had those three years to travel together more. My international travel days are over now because of health reasons. We had some great trips, but won’t be able to do several trips we wanted to do. Time > Money.

 

[twobits]

Thank you for sharing your insights. I think letting go of part time work that pays our bills, where he has more freedom than before, is almost harder than quitting full time work. He has less stress and enough freedom to go bike riding or hiking during the day without worrying about emails/calls, just not enough to do the traveling he wants to do. For that, he needs to get comfortable with our numbers as they are now, and knowing we'll be fine if he fully retires.

Time is definitely worth more than money, and I hope he doesn't end up regretting waiting another year or two.

 

[Trailwalker]

When my DW wanted to keep working, I started traveling in my camper trailer on my own. We're the same age, and life is too short when the game is already won. She retired the next year and has no regrets. We're finishing up two months in Mexico, and it's definitely better together.

 

[braumeister]

Some slight similarity here. I retired when I was able to, and took to it like a duck to water.

DW, OTOH, is a much more social person than I am, and she loved the social aspects of her job. Her co-w*rkers were friendly and fun to go to lunch with, and she just didn't want to give up that part of her life. She was also stuck with the old "you can't retire until you're 65" mindset, despite the fact that she knew perfectly well that didn't apply in our case.

So she stayed in the game for another ten years or so, before finally hanging it up. I was perfectly happy to do all the domestic stuff around the house, and she was perfectly happy to let me go on trips by myself if she didn't have the vacation time available.

So we managed just fine. Your DH will get to that point when he's ready. He may regret not doing it sooner, but would probably suffer some angst if he forced himself to quit before he was actually ready. Best of luck to you both.

 

[Aerides]

Well, 12/21 was a super height of the market, so depending how tight your goals/expectations were, being even 10% below that still might be cause to at least reexamine.

Of course, 15 months into the future also means less of a window to spend, and less of a timeframe before medicare, SS, etc.

That aside... I get the whole "can't ever really unplug" even if he's not working full time. Perhaps, in your shoes, I'd start encouraging that part now, because eventually these folks waiting on emails and calls aren't going to get any reply from him - he has to set them free sooner or later. (and almost no one is that important, and nothing bad will happen, if he replies tomorrow instead).

And then there's the whole...does he really want to retire just yet? It's ok if he doesn't.

 

[MarieIG]

Thank you for sharing your insights. I think letting go of part time work that pays our bills, where he has more freedom than before, is almost harder than quitting full time work. He has less stress and enough freedom to go bike riding or hiking during the day without worrying about emails/calls, just not enough to do the traveling he wants to do. For that, he needs to get comfortable with our numbers as they are now, and knowing we'll be fine if he fully retires.

Time is definitely worth more than money, and I hope he doesn't end up regretting waiting another year or two.

For him, it doesn't sound like a simple time/ money equation. It may be security/ peace of mind.

It sounds as if you both have good quality of life now (albeit the traveling situation is not perfect). Spending time on regret - can be a waste of time. Try to make the most of your time now - even before he reaches full retirement. (Weekend trips, and a few longer vacations may not be completely out of reach?)

 

[Midpack]

So, this is mostly just an intro, but if anyone has any advice I can share with him about taking that plunge, I'd appreciate it! Otherwise, I'll just be patient and wait for him to decide he's ready

Like others have said - I wouldn't try to talk anyone, not even a spouse, into retiring or waiting. We all have to make that decision based on our unique financial, emotional, job satisfaction, alternative activities, connections, and risk tolerance among other things. You can only support his thoughts when he shares them. You will both have LONG retirements no matter when you each pull the plug, hurrying or delaying are not really important. And I would not listen to the GO NOW, LIFE'S TOO SHORT crowd here, we all need to make our own decisions vs listening to some random stranger online no matter how well intended.

I was sure my DW would retire within a few months of me, even though she told me otherwise. She worked 5+ years longer than I did, she showed me...

 

[twobits]

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences, and the thoughtful suggestions.

Your DH will get to that point when he's ready. He may regret not doing it sooner, but would probably suffer some angst if he forced himself to quit before he was actually ready. Best of luck to you both.

This is so true, and something I have to keep in mind. Thank you!

Perhaps, in your shoes, I'd start encouraging that part now, because eventually these folks waiting on emails and calls aren't going to get any reply from him - he has to set them free sooner or later. (and almost no one is that important, and nothing bad will happen, if he replies tomorrow instead).

Good advice. I'll encourage him to try letting work sit more often. His clients have always told him he doesn't have to provide such fast responses, he just doesn't like to let work wait, especially if it starts to pile up.

For him, it doesn't sound like a simple time/ money equation. It may be security/ peace of mind.

It sounds as if you both have good quality of life now (albeit the traveling situation is not perfect). Spending time on regret - can be a waste of time. Try to make the most of your time now - even before he reaches full retirement. (Weekend trips, and a few longer vacations may not be completely out of reach?)

It is more peace of mind for him, especially since another year or two hopefully won't make too much of a difference in how long we'll be retired. We have both been good about making reasoned choices and accepting possible downsides, trying not to focus on regrets, so hopefully that will be the case here! In the meantime, we'll enjoy the freedom we do have.


Now that I've introduced myself, I hope to spend more time interacting on the forum. Thank you for the welcome!