When your 30 something child asks for money- what is response?

[FIREd]

Firedreamer, If you tell me the Spanish version of your first name I´ll make a point of PMing you on your Saint Day...

Awesome! My Saint Day is April 25...

 

[vicente solano]

Awesome! My Saint Day is April 25...

Check!

 

[RunningBum]

When I was in my 30s, I got a small, short-term loan from my folks, and was grateful for it, as it was a stressful time. I paid it back as soon as I could.

As many have posted, it's an "it depends" answer, based on the situation and the child. But someone in their 30s asking for the first time probably didn't make the request lightly.

For those of you giving the absolute NO answer, prepare for the payback. At some point, maybe when you are less physically able, you may ask, "can you come over and help with <whatever>". The answer may well be "why don't you hire someone with that 2K you wouldn't loan me?" While a loan may cause some awkwardness, turning down a loan can leave a lot harder feelings.

 

[tryan]

At that age, they should have the means to come up with 2k.

Time for a little "tough love" ... "no" or a loan. But no gift.

 

[Moemg]

I think there is nothing wrong with gifting your children if you can afford to do so . In my case my daughter will inherit it anyway so why not share a little while I'm alive .

 

[WhoDaresWins]

I think there is nothing wrong with gifting your children if you can afford to do so . In my case my daughter will inherit it anyway so why not share a little while I'm alive .

I agree completely. My son never asks me for anything but I give him very nice checks for Christmas and also his birthday. I know he is a LBYM type, even more so than I am. I can afford it, and it makes me feel good to know I am helping him along the way.

 

[simple girl]

Well, this is not a child, but my husband's sister asked for money. We gave it as a loan, but we never were paid back. She has come again for money, but we turned her down..."the well is dry". She doesn't seem to have the same respect for money that we have.

My bro, on the other hand, asked for a small amount of money, and I knew it killed him to do so. He paid it back ASAP, in full. Character. That's what it is all about. I would loan him money again if he asked. I know he would pay it back, and I sure as h*ll know he wouldn't ask unless it was important, and he was pretty desperate.

So, I think you have to look at character. Has your child asked for money before? Do you think it is a big thing for them to be asking? These questions should help you decide what to do.

FYI, I do not have children of my own, but I do love my family members who have asked for help. It is a very difficult situation to be put in.

 

[brewer12345]

FWIW, I borrowed money from my parents once. We were selling the condo and buying the house. I would be netting twice as much from the condo as I was putting down on the house, but there was about a week timing mismatch between the two deals. So my parents fronted part of the downpayment on the house for a week and were paid back as soon as the sale of the condo closed. No hard feelings among any of the parties as far as I know.

If one of my siblings were in need of cash I wold expect they would go to my parents first, but if that were not an option I would bankroll them on terms. Would do the same for my SILs. But the well would definately run dry after the first default.

 

[easysurfer]

... So, I think you have to look at character. Has your child asked for money before? Do you think it is a big thing for them to be asking? These questions should help you decide what to do. ...

... FYI, I do not have children of my own, but I do love my family members who have asked for help. It is a very difficult situation to be put in.

I totally agree, Simple Girl. It really is about character. I've learned that from experience from siblings of my own. Some who are really really greatful and others who "conveniently forget" that they were helped out with a loan.

 

[beowulf]

There is an old saying (source unknown) "When parents give to their children, the parents cry. When children give to their parents, both cry."

We have probably given far more to our children that we should have, but it never endangered our finances and did make a big difference to them. A large part of this is helping them fund their IRAs as neither one has a job that pays enough to allow them to do both a 401k and an IRA. Our son virtually never asks for money and, when he does, it tends to be for small sums to pay for an urgent car or other repair which are really gifts. Our daughter has been layed off several times, so we have had to help more then we would like.

The question is whether we would be comfortable living with the knowledge that we allowed one of our kids to be tossed onto the street or get into deep financial trouble when it was not a big deal for us to help. This has worked fine as long as we are employed, after we both are retired, they know they are fully on their own. It might be painful for them, but at least they know the limits.

As for the $2,000 - if you are in a position to gift it easily and without and consequences for you, then do it. As another said, it's better to give with a warm hand than a cold one.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

I am the 34 year old kid....I have to repeatedly tell my parents that I don't need the money that they insist on offering me. Currently, they want to gift my brother and I the max every year.....I tell them to hold onto it and I will ask them when I need it

The OP's question has been long answered, but I wanted to weigh in on this point. My mother still insists on giving gifts every year for birthdays and other holidays (even though I'm going to be 40 next year). She can afford to give the money, and it makes her feel good. My wife and I don't need it, however, as we have a net worth that is close to hers. However, to avoid the pain that comes with turning down a gift, I simply tell her to make the check out to my daughter for her 529. That way, everyone is happy. I'm not accepting money from her, she feels good about giving, and my daughter gets another donation to her college fund.

 

[moreorless]

At 30+ I was married 4 years but owned two houses (renting one) and helping my parents as much as I could because they helped me through school!

Everyones situation is different, 45 years ago, I borrowed $500 from my Aunt for a down payment on my first house because my parents could not afford to help me. I repaid her within a couple of months! She trusted me, I would not let her down, simple as that!

You need to be objective about your situation....I continued to help my parents thoughout my adult life as much as I could. My sister and her family on the other hand, continued their quest to take as much as they could for free...They have never changed, our parents are long deceased and Sister & Family are still takers from anyone that pauses long enough to come into their crosshairs!

You might want to decide what kind of family you have & then make a decision!

 

[Walt34]

Disclaimer: We don't have kids so will never have that issue.

The only time I asked my mother for help was for a cheap place to live for 18 months (to save a down payment for a house) after my divorce at age 34 and that was humiliating enough for me. While I was there I paid all the utilities, repainted the entire house, got the lawn in better shape than it had ever been in, hauled out 30 year's worth of junk that my packrat father had left behind when he died, and fixed a broken water pipe at 7:00 AM Christmas morning. That's the time Mom said she really appreciated having me there!

That said, I also had good health and a steady job that was immune from layoffs.

It simply never crossed my mind to ask for financial help.

 

[Martha]

Disclaimer: We don't have kids so will never have that issue.

The only time I asked my mother for help was for a cheap place to live for 18 months (to save a down payment for a house) after my divorce at age 34 and that was humiliating enough for me. While I was there I paid all the utilities, repainted the entire house, got the lawn in better shape than it had ever been in, hauled out 30 year's worth of junk that my packrat father had left behind when he died, and fixed a broken water pipe at 7:00 AM Christmas morning. That's the time Mom said she really appreciated having me there!

That said, I also had good health and a steady job that was immune from layoffs.

It simply never crossed my mind to ask for financial help.

Man Walt, you can come live with me for free.

 

[Milton]

Everyones situation is different

Exactly. No absolute, one-size-fits-all answer can apply to the o/p's dilemma.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Our 30+ child (single) asked for $2,000 in order to help with refinancing an existing mortgage. The refinancing is an optional event. On one hand we think it is beyond the time when retirees like us should be asked to help out with money, but on the other hand we want to help our children. This is a first time request. Any comments welcome.

I would say that what you do is consider yourself lucky. How about having your 50+ uncle ask you $10k for part of the down payment on his next dream house while he sells his current house or your 60+ dad ask you for "whatever you have" when you have already given him $5k to file his worthless patent? In both cases, I said no because I'm not the bank, and neither case was a real hardship case, but I was prepared for the crap storms that followed. Are you?

On the other hand, my hard working cousin was looking to expand his business by buying another bus, I lent him $20k. You have to look at what the people are going to do with your money before lending it to them.

 

[crazy connie]

Read an intresting article today that indicated 2 out of 5 (40%) of boomer parents are helping their kids now. Son who is a senior in college and I had a nice discussion about it and he put it rather well. He said "I can earn money for many years Mom and what you have is all you are going to have." If I do not feel it will leave me short I will help them if they are doing the right things with their money. It doesn't hurt to want, it only hurts not to get.

 

[SarahW]

I agree with the last two sentences of the previous post by "dm". I think your kid must have a very good reason or pressing issue to even ask you for help, and if you can afford to do so I would. I can't imagine a 30-something kid making such a request unless it was a last resort.

We don't need it, they can use it, why not?

At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I give my daughters whatever they ask for. It is harder being young these days than it was for my generation (boomer). I think I am lucky in that they only ask when they need the help. We lost our first-born daughter when she was 29 and I am thankful that we can help them, even their friends. They are all a blessing.

^^ Yeah, that. We have five children, all in their 20's. We help them any way we can, and we are happy to be able to do so. (At least none of them still live with us, lol. )

 

[travelover]

^^ Yeah, that. We have five children, all in their 20's. We help them any way we can, and we are happy to be able to do so. (At least none of them still live with us, lol. )

Ah, so you are the one! My 33 yo SD is quite bitter that she has to work for a living when several of her friend's parents just send a monthly living check.

 

[Texas Proud]

Ah, so you are the one! My 33 yo SD is quite bitter that she has to work for a living when several of her friend's parents just send a monthly living check.

LOL... I guess she has not found a BF that will supply her with her monthly check


I am surprised to see how many people say they would give their children money to pay for expenses.... I have told my 12 yo son... it is not my job to make you like me... it is my job to bring you up so you are a good person, who can earn a living to support their family (in whatever form he chooses)... I think he understands...


I remember my sister tell me once when I went to visit... her husband was working on his daughters car... and she was there 'watching'... he was doing a brake job... now, I know he does not do it for his own cars... he pays to get it done... but he thought that it was to easy to pay for her brake job... but he also did not want her to have bad brakes... so his compromise was to do the work himself, with her watching how much he had to do to get it done...

It is very easy for someone to say 'he can afford it', but do not think how much time and effort was put into getting that money set aside... the sacrifices etc... so why can your children not sacrifice some just as you did when you were young

I can tell you I have always had savings after a few months after graduating from college... and had some before I spent it all while in college...

To each his own...

 

[SarahW]

Ah, so you are the one! My 33 yo SD is quite bitter that she has to work for a living when several of her friend's parents just send a monthly living check.

We don't send any of our kids "monthly living checks." They are all either gainfully employed, in college, or both. However...if any of them ever need anything and we can help, then we certainly will.

 

[travelover]

We don't send any of our kids "monthly living checks." They are all either gainfully employed, in college, or both. However...if any of them ever need anything and we can help, then we certainly will.

You are generous, but I'm funnin' ya. SD's friends really do get a free ride, though. Nice if you can get it.

 

[Bimmerbill]

My parents lent each of us (me, my two brothers) some cash when each of us bought our first house. All paid back, too. I was 26 at the time I think and would have been OK but the bank pulled a fast one on me and only offered to finance $72K out of an $80K purchase price.

 

[Milton]

SD's friends really do get a free ride, though. Nice if you can get it.

Well, maybe. I'm not so sure. It is superficially attractive, but recepients of 'economic out-patient care' like that typically have almost no self-confidence. And there can be other problems, too.

I had a boss who paid for all of his adult childrens' needs and wants, and cleaned up whatever messes they made in life. The flip side was that they had to constantly prop up his ego and listen to his frequent complaints regarding their ingratitude. At the time it seemed like a sick co-dependent relationship ... still does, actually.