Mom just retired, with no savings...

[Wyniia]

there are lots of programs in our area for seniors / low income households. I'm not sure what she would qualify for living with you, but it doesn't hurt to check into all the programs available, now and if she could potentially move out. An older friend of mine just moved into a subsidized senior living center after being on a wait list for 8 years, so the time to get on waiting list is now. We live in an urban area with several senior clubs and they all have resources for help. Most counties or cities have some kind of aging department with social service workers knowledgeable about programs. One of our senior centers has a roommate match program for seniors, where they do the screening and background checks.

Other programs in our state / local area include - snap (food stamps), free lunches at the senior centers, free activities, discount public transportation passes, wholesale produce at the farmer's markets, almost free senior bus service, low income utility programs, low cost internet, free phone service, free uber rides for seniors, free college classes and more. The library has all sorts of free classes and event passes, plus the usual books, streaming services, ebooks, music, etc. (some of these have been suspended during the pandemic.)

i actually sit around and think about this, what would i do if i only had ss to live on, as an interesting math problem. It would cost around $800 here to rent a room golden girls style, but that would be in a nice house on a bus route. (if there wasn't any subsidized housing available). But after rent one could probably live a fairly normal middle class life with all the programs available for help with just the programs and ss. It would probably mean not owning a car, but in the cities here many people don't use their cars much anyway. (one of our adult kids lives in a walkable area and has a car but was happy it started the other day from having it sit so long without needing to drive anywhere.) it is a plus your mom has free medical care. In some cities here college students get free bus passes and seniors in our state can enroll in college classes for free.

For extra income she could probably pick up a few hundred extra dollars with ideas in reddit's beermoney forum. Some people there make over $1k a month. And maybe she could try some gig work like dog walking or pet sitting for extra money.

We've had thread on this before and one solution was to buy the parent a mobile home in an affordable area in a 55+ park. We had retired friends do this in a vacation area and it seemed to work out well for them. They had pretty low overhead. Or maybe if you don't mind her living with you, you could convert a garage or get a backyard cottage for her to live in so your each have your own space. I am not sure why so many posters here are acting like having your mom living with you is so awful. Housing is super expensive in our area and multi-generational households are pretty common. A number of homes in our area have mother-in-law units added on, either parents, adult kids or for extra income. Laws were added last year to encourage people to build more adus to help with the housing shortage.

^^^ all of this!!!

 

[ivinsfan]

I'll be blunt does your DM have any mental issues going on? Because for all these things listed unless she is incompetent she will need some degree of personal involvement.

At some point you need to realize by providing for her you are enabling her. What do you want to happen here? In truth if she doesn't want to work there probably are enough social nets around to get her by, but she needs to engage in the process.

your original question was about investing her SS what purpose does that serve at this point in time?

 

[frankbrenowitz]

OP, you have received splendid advice and knowledge of resources available to help your mother transition to a retirement lifestyle and live independently in the worst case that she is unable to continue working. Your recent post that she now thinks you are micromanaging her life should be setting off carillons of alarm bells ringing in your head. She, in fact, does have a retirement plan in place. It is you.

 

[trumpeting_angel]

This is almost unbearable to read. She has almost nothing, relies on you, but is back to spending irresponsibly. Tough love will definitely be in order here.


If you can afford it, you might want to find someone at the Council on Aging (or similar agency) to meet with your mother and you, and enlist their help in giving her the facts of life. If you don't find some way to set boundaries to protect yourself, you have years of resentment and conflict ahead, I fear.


Some hospitals are "FQHC" - Federally Qualified Health Centers. At the FQHC where I worked, there was a strong social service department that did exactly this sort of intervention. Check around, and the very best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

 

[38Chevy454]

OP, you have received splendid advice and knowledge of resources available to help your mother transition to a retirement lifestyle and live independently in the worst case that she is unable to continue working. Your recent post that she now thinks you are micromanaging her life should be setting off carillons of alarm bells ringing in your head. She, in fact, does have a retirement plan in place. It is you.

Exactly. I said it way back in beginning of this thread. Your mother has no right to be retired and living off you. Her retirement plan is you, and only you can change that.

 

[Katsmeow]

I spoke with her about this, honestly I also believe it to be the best option and for her to return to the workforce as soon as vaccines come out but she is against it. Golly, she’s soooo stubborn!

You mother can afford to take that position because she feels she can live with you and you will cover the shortfall.

63 is young to retire unless financially you can support yourself. $1400 SS is not enough.

She should go back and work a few more years. If she doesn't want to do that...then that is her choice. But, you do not have to enable that choice.

I do believe in children helping elderly parents who don't have money. If she was disabled and couldn't work I would have no hesitancy suggesting you help her out.

But -- it sounds like she just doesn't want to work. She can only make this work because you are providing her a living space. Options -- you could simply refuse to let her live with you if she wasn't actively looking for work. You could give her a time limit if you feel she isn't really trying.

Another option, you could charge her true market rate for her to live with you including her share of utilities and food if you are providing. That assumes you don't mind her living with you when she could be working.

But, really if you want her to work, give her a deadline that she needs to either have a job or move out.... Again -- this all assumes there is no disability or health reason preventing her working.

 

[trumpeting_angel]

And no need to wait for the vaccine. If she can use a computer (even just basic email and word processing) and a phone, there are plenty of remote jobs out there. Have her go to Indeed.com and type in "remote" in the location search, and an interest or skill she has in the top search box. There are dozens of jobs.

 

[pb4uski]

.... I tried to talk to her, she thinks I‘m micromanaging her life, lol! ...

When you were growing up did she ever say "my house... my rules"? If so, then payback's a bitch![emoji3]

 

[Brat]

It may be tough to push her out the door, you might even end up moving and leaving her behind.

 

[5Miler]

Tough bunch.

 

[H2ODude]

Sort of had the same issue, but MIL was EIGHTY when we voluntarily offered her housing in the form of an addition (and food and healthcare support). Up until that age, she worked retail at Dillard's and could no longer handle the back issues. Not to mention the knee replacement following a workplace slip and fall. Hence I'm not all that sympathetic to someone who feels entitled to room and board from their offspring at 63 barring insurmountable health restrictions. She had not been able to accumulate anything other than about $15k savings and $1200 a month in SS.

This thread has made me appreciate that while the 8 years were not all that enjoyable at times, at least it wasn't 25 years. Good luck OP.

 

[pb4uski]

Tough bunch.

You think that its a-ok for a 63 yo woman to "retire" without sufficient resources to be financially independent and sponge off her adult daughter?

I certainly don't.. the OP's DM needs to "man up" and get a job to support herself.

 

[Amethyst]

OP hasn't said (and has no obligation to tell us), but this suggests Mom has "issues" with the workplace that aren't easily resolved.

I mean the kind of issues, that go beyond what forum members mean when we say we have had it with our j*bs.

I totally agree, but she has been struggling finding work for years now.

But, really if you want her to work, give her a deadline that she needs to either have a job or move out.... Again -- this all assumes there is no disability or health reason preventing her working.

 

[ivinsfan]

OP hasn't said (and has no obligation to tell us), but this suggests Mom has "issues" with the workplace that aren't easily resolved.

I mean the kind of issues, that go beyond what forum members mean when we say we have had it with our j*bs.

You know a person of modest means or a poor person, who has been struggling at the low end of the job/wage scale their whole life could well and truly be burned to a crisp by their early 60's.

With limited means, there are programs out there to help Mom, but only if she puts out some effort to research them.

 

[jazz4cash]

Tough bunch.

+1

 

[Brat]

OP hasn't said (and has no obligation to tell us), but this suggests Mom has "issues" with the workplace that aren't easily resolved.

I mean the kind of issues, that go beyond what forum members mean when we say we have had it with our j*bs.

The Mother may have had an attitude issue on the job that is actually a psychiatric issue. That doesn't mean that she is entitled to live with her son/daughter. I don't even hear that she is stepping up to help with chores.

The OP needs to tell Mom that she cannot stay long term, that s/he will help her find a place to live independently. Odds are she will not participate in the search and even if a place is found she may not move.

In addition to finding resources for Mom, I would consult with an attorney who specialized in the aged and housing.

 

[ivinsfan]

+1

So what would you do that isn't "tough"?

 

[sgstaley]

You think that its a-ok for a 63 yo woman to "retire" without sufficient resources to be financially independent and sponge off her adult daughter?

I certainly don't.. the OP's DM needs to "man up" and get a job to support herself.

I was always a blue collar worker and not highly educated or born with a lot of money. So, here are my thoughts as to what I noticed along the way.

I remember as I was working through my working years that SO MANY people were "their own worst enemies" when it came to things like saving, actually going to work every day including the days when you felt bad, etc., living below their means, on and on.
I would think over and over, "Some day they will wish that they would have actually showed up for work every day and would have saved some money along the way."
I got to be in my 50's and started noticing the same people that had lived a "live for today, let tomorrow take care of it's self" attitude, had gotten older. The care free attitude started to fester into somewhat of a bitter attitude towards "how life had treated them" (think "Why do THEY have all of that STUFF and I don't?" attitude.) Common sense had told me all along the way that if you refuse to hold yourself accountable for tomorrow, burning your candle at both ends along the way, what can you really expect in your "golden years."
As far as the woman in the story, I am not saying that this is how she lived. I am saying, however, that most of the citizenry that never planned for their retirement days in advance, will put their hands out for a freebee these days. Taking a freebee was unheard of when I was growing up. It was embarrassing.

As for me, I would much rather support a person that has worked their asses off for all of their lives vs someone that has wasted their lives, gotten older, was now desperate, and has plans on using someone else as a "retirement plan."
At the end of the day I think that most of us would give the shirts off of our backs to someone in need, providing that they had exhibited a need out of real necessity and not out of selfishness or laziness.
I really hope that I was not way off base here.

 

[Lewis Clark]

... As for me, I would much rather support a person that has worked their asses off for all of their lives vs someone that has wasted their lives, gotten older, was now desperate, and has plans on using someone else as a "retirement plan."

At the end of the day I think that most of us would give the shirts off of our backs to someone in need, providing that they had exhibited a need out of real necessity and not out of selfishness or laziness.
I really hope that I was not way off base here.

Not off base. Right on target.

 

[5Miler]

You think that its a-ok for a 63 yo woman to "retire" without sufficient resources to be financially independent and sponge off her adult daughter?

I certainly don't.. the OP's DM needs to "man up" and get a job to support herself.

You might have missed my earlier post. I moved my mother in with me when she was 62 and unable to support herself. I provided for her for 20 years as she did for me for 18 years until I went into the military. I would never have my mother on the street regardless of what I had to do.

 

[ivinsfan]

You might have missed my earlier post. I moved my mother in with me when she was 62 and unable to support herself. I provided for her for 20 years as she did for me for 18 years until I went into the military. I would never have my mother on the street regardless of what I had to do.

Unless I missed it I didn't see anyone saying that Mom should go live on the street!...there are actually some options that fall between supporting Mom for the rest of her natural life and putting Mom out on the street.

 

[pb4uski]

Exactly... IF the OPs DM is for some reason unable to work to help support herself then it is a whole different kettle of fish... but the impression that I get is that the OP's DM is unwilling, not unable... an entitlement mentality of some sort.... in which case some tough love is in order so that the OP doesn't unfairly get taken advantage of.

But... if Mom is able to work and just refuses to because she doesn't feel she should have to work and she thinks that the OP is obligated to support her... then IMO off to the streets with her!

Just because we supported our kids for the first 20 years of their lives doesn't mean that they have any obligation to reciprocate... when we had kids we knew that supporting them for 20 years was part of the deal.

 

[pb4uski]

You might have missed my earlier post. I moved my mother in with me when she was 62 and unable to support herself. I provided for her for 20 years as she did for me for 18 years until I went into the military. I would never have my mother on the street regardless of what I had to do.

Luckily its never anything that I will ever have to fret about, but if my mother was 63 and was able to but refused to work and expected me to support her for the rest of her life out of some sense of entitlement because she gave birth and supported me for the first 20 years then yes... she would find herself out on the street right quick.

Now if she were able to work and was working but still having trouble making ends meet then yes, I'm there for her.

In order to get my sympathy, one has to at least be trying.

 

[MarieIG]

I noted in one of OP's earlier posts that her mother has been struggling finding work for years and with Covid OP was afraid of sending her to (out) work.

I know my employer has not hired since the pandemic, but has furloughed and cut salaries.

If she had problems finding work pre-pandemic, I doubt she is going to become first pick for potential employers at this point.

If she can get something remote - no harm in trying, but I suspect it won't be easy.

As far as a rent controlled apartment, that is a possibility. But it is one thing putting your mother into a nice little apartment in in a good neighborhood, and another thing for her to be in a dirty building in a crime-ridden neighborhood.

The fact that OP took her mother in, in the first place, is an inication that she wants a decent standard of living for her mother. A see someone here who loves her mother (notwithstanding said mother can be frustrating.)

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Years is a long time to not find a job, even in pre-pandemic times and we don't know what the issues are. There's a person we know who rents a room in a nice neighborhood and does gig work to support herself, like dog walking and pet sitting. We met a woman at a park who had some kind of carer certification from the county (it didn't seem like it was anything too time intensive to acquire) and her job was assisting elderly clients, like taking them to the dog park. It seems like most people at 63 could handle a job like dog walking or taking seniors to a park, unless there are some significant health or background check issues.

If she can't find a job she could enroll in some kind of 6 month certification program, like learning Excel to make herself more marketable. A search on Reddit for 6 month certifications brings up lots of ideas. The pandemic won't last forever and the OP's mom could start some online training program now. With a minimum wage job, SS, Medicad, SNAP, etc. she could be living on her own. As others have posted, right now the OP appears to be the retirement plan, so it is really up to her if she is okay with that. Otherwise it is tough love, setting boundaries time and putting a plan for self sufficiency in place, whether mom likes it or not.