On the edge ... help!!!

[Bob_Walter]

Wow, my wife is five years younger, still working and is begging me to retire. She wants me to be home and enjoy life. She knows she has another five years of working but she also hates that I'm unfortunately five years older. She always says she'd give me years of hey life if she could. She's a real sweetie.

 

[Markola]

These big life changes can treacherous for couples, so be kind and careful, because both of you won’t be experiencing the change in the same way. It sounds like your retirement is an issue for her. Finding a couples therapist might be very worthwhile for a while to make sure you’re communicating well and working toward being on the same page. We’ve worked with some at times navigating other health, family and mid life issues and have found it helpful. Good luck.

 

[Dalmore]

Since I retired in June and DW is still working, I've been doing chores around the house, fixing things I didn't have time to fix while working, cooking, and shopping. I do it at my own pace. Some days are less productive than others.

 

[5Miler]

My DGF of 26 years is six years younger than I am. When I retired 8 years ago, she was supportive and I spent a lot of time on home projects and spending time at my gun club. She worked from home and it was somewhat nerve wracking to listen to her constantly getting upset over work issues. After two years, I finally was able to convince her to retire the week of her 55th birthday. We have lived in peaceful bliss ever since. We each spend time together or on separate activities as each of us requires. We keep evolving as retirement goes on.

 

[Markola]

My DGF of 26 years is six years younger than I am. When I retired 8 years ago, she was supportive and I spent a lot of time on home projects and spending time at my gun club. She worked from home and it was somewhat nerve wracking to listen to her constantly getting upset over work issues. After two years, I finally was able to convince her to retire the week of her 55th birthday. We have lived in peaceful bliss ever since. We each spend time together or on separate activities as each of us requires. We keep evolving as retirement goes on.

I believe it. It’s amazing what removing a major irritant can do for the rest of an individual’s and couple’s quality of life.

 

[Steeler75]

Ditto

This is exactly what I did for 9 years. Dinner on the table when she got home, nothing fancy but hot and healthy, did the shopping and house and yard work, paid the bills, also handled the investments and taxes. And, once you have a system, it is an hour or so of work a day. The rest of the time I goofed off. She was happy, I was happy. It was actually a bigger adjustment when she finally retired, too. We have since reshuffled the chores deck and have found a balance.

+1000 ^^^^

Into my second year of retirement and DW still has a year and a half to go. She quickly realized how much easier her life became as I took on the household chores of cooking, shopping, cleaning, dog handler, and bar tender. I also came to realize how much work she used to handle for most of our married life...

 

[badatmath]

When my SO retired I was worried they would want to do cool fun things without me and they would find someone else to do them with. It was groundless nonsense. But it was unknown territory too . . .

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I am totally stealing this from another post of mine, but I can't say it any better:

I can heartily recommend "A Couple's Guide to Happy Retirement and Aging" by Sara Yogev. (https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Guide.../dp/1945547715) I am surprised to see that this resource has never previously appeared on this forum (at least according to Google).

The reason I found the book useful was that it gave me a way, which I had not explicitly had before, to think about the needs of a man and a woman in a relationship in retirement. Namely, we need time together, and we need time apart. And this dichotomous need becomes heightened after retirement.

In addition to the couples/relationship aspect of the book, it also spends a fair amount of time on how the individuals can find meaning and fulfillment in their retired years. As is well-known on this forum, we often get a lot of those things from our j*bs during our w*rk years. It would help to have a picture of what we will retire *to,* rather than what we are retiring *from.*

 

[Oilcan]

Every day is a Saturday.

 

[bzribee]

Every day is a Saturday.

Yes! Someone told me "6 Saturdays and a Sunday" and I had no idea what that meant. Now I do.


I did not have a plan except to de-stress when I retired. But I got great advice from retired friends:
1. It's okay to say "No"
2. Give yourself time to find what you want to be doing/not doing.

Their de-stress time varied from 3 months to over a year.



These words really helped me. I also, like another poster, slept a LOT, and it took a few months but I found myself exercising more, traveling more, seeing friends more, and grateful EVERY DAY to no longer be on someone else's schedule or under their "discipline". I grew a small business of my own into a less small business (and very happy with that size) and volunteered where I had worked previously but only under my terms. WOW! Felt great. Still does.

 

[mystang52]

I see OP lives in New Hampshire. Here's another thing I did while retired when DW still worked: I drove her to work, and of course picked her up, any time snow was forecast.

 

[SpinDoctorTX]

I am 5 working days from retiring.
Gave my notice and have a ton on my plate at work to finish but ...

Anyway, my wife is very worked up over what I am going to do each day.
Will I fritter the day away? Will I do something productive?
What about volunteer work? What about doing part time work?
What about ... (fill in the blank)??

She is 4 yrs younger and still working.
.....

Maybe it will be less stressful to keep on working and not retire?

The bell has already been rung, but you can still think up and find ways to take on the duties she may have had to do in her "spare time". DH retired at 62 (he's 73 now) and I worked until 56 (10/31/16). We kept the maid (I've seen his version of clean- not gonna happen) but he took on almost all of the day to day stuff which made my work-life much less stressful. I actually started going to lunch with friends rather than me running errands.

In our situation, there was no way that either of us was going to retire without the other. But, we are only a year apart and our retirement plans/goals were spending a ****ton more time with each other to make up for lost years.

situations are different between/among couples at the verge of retirement, but one thing is the same--communication is the key.

Yes, communication is definitely the key.

There is no such thing as frittering the day away. You will be RETIRED and unless you are not living up to your duties as a husband, there is nothing more required. Relax, enjoy yourself and make your wife's life easier, too. She will come to appreciate it.

Frittering a day away is one of the best things about retirement! As my DM says, "Never do today what can be put off until tom'w" and "Make your goals small if you want to have any at all".

Relax. Smoke a J.

+2

+1000 ^^^^

Into my second year of retirement and DW still has a year and a half to go. She quickly realized how much easier her life became as I took on the household chores of cooking, shopping, cleaning, dog handler, and bar tender. I also came to realize how much work she used to handle for most of our married life...

Yes, DH had quite an awakening when he figured out how much of the household duties were handled by me alone. During the last 3 years he was running his insurance agency, I also created all of his marketing materials and vetted all of his sales assistants.

The only thing I had to handle was cooking on days he didn't (I am a very good cook and like to cook). I didn't mind it since quite a few of my days, dinner was the only thing under my control out of the entire day.

One day DH called me at work- he was making Chili and wanted to know when to put in the mushrooms. I rest my case- he is the head BBQer & Sous chef.

 

[Aerides]

One other thing to keep in mind: Don't ask your wife everyday what you can do to help out more. Just do it. Don't make it her job to assign you tasks. Don't turn her into your boss, just take over all the things - dinner, cleaning (not just tidying up: toilets, showers, vacuuming, laundry - including folding and putting away). Take her car out on sunday nights to fill up the tank for the week. Have her take your car to work once a month and do a deep detailing on hers for her.

I'm reminded of an article I read awhile back. The husband decided to give his wife one of those major cleaning services - those deep cleaner all day top to bottom things? But then he ended up asking her so many questions to vet the right service it ended up being more of a burden for her than a gift.

 

[Markola]

I agree. One doesn’t want to trade one boss for another, especially one under the same roof. 50/50, Mano y Womano.

 

[Doribe]

My DH retired 5 years ago at age 63. His preferred day went like this: sleep in; walk and feed dog; prepare, eat, and clean up from his breakfast; read paper, surf internet, work crosswords and sudoko; nap; walk dog; grocery shop; make dinner.

When I retired the following year he joined me in socializing, hiking, concerts and other activities I like.

In Covid 19 world, he has moved back to his old schedule while I do home maintenance projects.

 

[lewp56]

Refire Don't Retire

I am 5 working days from retiring.
Gave my notice and have a ton on my plate at work to finish but ...

Anyway, my wife is very worked up over what I am going to do each day.
Will I fritter the day away? Will I do something productive?
What about volunteer work? What about doing part time work?
What about ... (fill in the blank)??

She is 4 yrs younger and still working.
.....

Maybe it will be less stressful to keep on working and not retire?

Read a great book called Refire don't Retire. It hit the nail on the head for me hope it does the same for you. Written by Blanchard from 1 Minute Manager fame.

 

[Bob_Walter]

One other thing to keep in mind: Don't ask your wife everyday what you can do to help out more. Just do it. Don't make it her job to assign you tasks. Don't turn her into your boss, just take over all the things - dinner, cleaning (not just tidying up: toilets, showers, vacuuming, laundry - including folding and putting away). Take her car out on sunday nights to fill up the tank for the week. Have her take your car to work once a month and do a deep detailing on hers for her.

These are the things I do everyday for my wife (but she usually will clean things like the shower), I also make her breakfast, lunch and dinner. This morning for example I did the shopping after the gym. If I take a day off of work, I get up with her, make her breakfast, get the car warmed up and ready to go, if the car needs gas, I get it before.

She's always very appreciative of the things I do for her, but I do these things, because she's my wife and wouldn't want her any other way.

 

[RockLife]

I am 5 working days from retiring.
Gave my notice and have a ton on my plate at work to finish but ...

Anyway, my wife is very worked up over what I am going to do each day.
Will I fritter the day away? Will I do something productive?
What about volunteer work? What about doing part time work?
What about ... (fill in the blank)??

She is 4 yrs younger and still working.
.....

Maybe it will be less stressful to keep on working and not retire?

Your new job is to make your wife overjoyed that you have retired and can solve this problem, take care of that, and pretty much make both your lives better.

 

[Bongleur]

have a ton on my plate at work to finish ...

No you don't. They won't add a dime to your pension for finishing that crap. ignore it & enjoy talking to all your friends for the last time.

 

[travelover]

No you don't. They won't add a dime to your pension for finishing that crap. ignore it & enjoy talking to all your friends for the last time.

Yup, I got the inglorious task of cleaning out some departed employees offices once they were gone. All their carefully arranged notebooks, folders and follow up plans - right into the rolling dumpster. We kid ourselves.

 

[timeismine]

Do it!

I just passed my second year anniversary being retired. My stress-muscles were over worked from 60-80 hour weeks before, and all of that is gone. Unbelievable feeling to have a clear , relaxed and calm mind after 40+ years of full time work.

Be prepare for a possible identity crisis. It took me almost two years to chip away at the layers of "worker" identity built up over all those years. Finally down to the core, and it feels great.

As my dad always said after he retired " I dont know how I found time to work" .

Enjoy, letting it unfold as you decompress.

I continue to read up-Recent HBR article on Owning Your Future Self.