If my parents felt the need to set up a trust because my sibling was irresponsible that cost me thousands of dollars in management fees because I had to be given a trust too to make things equal that would be an example of punishing the responsible child because of the irresponsible one. Not a recipe for harmony. I would not do that. Irresponsible child should feel lucky to be getting anything.
Adult children inheritance
- Thread starter Joylush
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If my parents felt the need to set up a trust because my sibling was irresponsible that cost me thousands of dollars in management fees because I had to be given a trust too to make things equal that would be an example of punishing the responsible child because of the irresponsible one. Not a recipe for harmony. I would not do that. Irresponsible child should feel lucky to be getting anything.
Folks, the discussion has morphed from inheritance to parenting and it’s getting a bit personal. Let’s remember we’re among friends here 
Fishingmn
Full time employment: Posting here.
Our goal is to spend their inheritance on them now while they are living and we can create more great experiences.
This week we are taking DD (29), DS (27) and their fiancees to Mexico on our dime. Looking forward to another bonding experience.
This week we are taking DD (29), DS (27) and their fiancees to Mexico on our dime. Looking forward to another bonding experience.
ChiliPepr
Full time employment: Posting here.
Better use the corporate trustee... if my parents ever did that to me, the first thing I would do is write a check out for the full amount to my siblings.
+1
"Protecting them from themselves"? I see it as controlling them. If they were doing something like drugs or an alcoholic, I could see it, but if they are just a spendthrift you are just trying to control what they spend their money on.
Really? So if one is a teacher making 30k, scraping to keep their head above water and the other is a banker making 150k, spending every dime... you would treat them differently?
+1
ivinsfan
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Money, inheritance and children are personal and they really seem to get mixed up into one big personal mess sometimes...
I do agree the OP asked about the best way to treat her 2 kids and didn't ask us if we agree with what she wants to do!
It's hard to take the emotion out of money..particularity when it's a possible inheritance...
I do agree the OP asked about the best way to treat her 2 kids and didn't ask us if we agree with what she wants to do!
It's hard to take the emotion out of money..particularity when it's a possible inheritance...
Maybe you've never known anyone who needed to be protected from themselves. But this is my adult sister. Most every poor financial decision she has ever made could have been prevented had someone been protecting her from herself. She is far too kind and trusting and routinely is taken advantage of by the less scrupulous. There is a difference between wanting to control for the sake of controlling and needing to control in order to protect someone.
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I did not say to use the daughter as trustee, but trust adviser... and only if the daughter is close enough to know what the son is up to. This is a position where the trustee consults the trust adviser when questions arise that or are not well spelled out. This is one way to cover some situations that were not well documented.
Say the trust is documented to support education, but only to the BS degree and in primary 4 year colleges. The beneficiary want to do classes at a trade school or at a coding camp or really needs a MS for the the degree to help employ-ability... the trustee is bound by the rules. With trust adviser and the right language the trust could support other education opportunities. What you would want to avoid is the beneficiary using the $ not for education, but less desirable things (drugs).
Short of having something like a trust adviser, the trustee has to follow what you wrote in your trust. Be careful what you write.
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Fascinating
I learn something here every day.
This awesome conversation about real people dealing with their loved ones is my favorite aspect of this forum. Sure, there are useful discussions about saving and deploying money, but to me the human stories are the best ones.
As the future executor of my parents' will, I expect to encounter a lot of the pitfalls that posters here have described. When Mom and Dad punch out, there is going to be some friction over their estate. If history is any guide, I'll face a barrage of emotional appeals for various sorts of preferential treatment from my siblings. It's going to be painful.
But it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone. Families can be very trying. Thanks to all who have shared their own experiences.
Here is another bit of reassurance that has permeated this thread. A lot of folks have posted that they made plenty of mistakes during their FIRE journeys. I know I did. They got a late start, suffered disastrous ventures into DMT, had to learn the hard way... the whole enchilada.
And yet here [-]they[/-] we are, either already FIREd or solidly on track to be. It puts me in mind of legendary baseball player Hank Aaron, who turned 84 today. His lifetime batting average was 0.305, meaning he hit successfully only three times out of ten*. But he's in the Hall of Fame. I submit that the same holds true in our life decisions. We humans probably make sub-optimal, i.e. wrong, choices a lot more often than we make right ones.
But we recover, sometimes we learn from our errors, and eventually we reach our goals. It is likely to be that way for our children as well.
Peace out.
* If you want to get into the weeds about on-base percentages or comparing his homers to Ruth or Bonds, we can do so on a separate thread. I chose Hammerin' Hank because it's his birthday.
I learn something here every day.
This awesome conversation about real people dealing with their loved ones is my favorite aspect of this forum. Sure, there are useful discussions about saving and deploying money, but to me the human stories are the best ones.
As the future executor of my parents' will, I expect to encounter a lot of the pitfalls that posters here have described. When Mom and Dad punch out, there is going to be some friction over their estate. If history is any guide, I'll face a barrage of emotional appeals for various sorts of preferential treatment from my siblings. It's going to be painful.
But it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone. Families can be very trying. Thanks to all who have shared their own experiences.
Here is another bit of reassurance that has permeated this thread. A lot of folks have posted that they made plenty of mistakes during their FIRE journeys. I know I did. They got a late start, suffered disastrous ventures into DMT, had to learn the hard way... the whole enchilada.
And yet here [-]they[/-] we are, either already FIREd or solidly on track to be. It puts me in mind of legendary baseball player Hank Aaron, who turned 84 today. His lifetime batting average was 0.305, meaning he hit successfully only three times out of ten*. But he's in the Hall of Fame. I submit that the same holds true in our life decisions. We humans probably make sub-optimal, i.e. wrong, choices a lot more often than we make right ones.
But we recover, sometimes we learn from our errors, and eventually we reach our goals. It is likely to be that way for our children as well.
Peace out.
* If you want to get into the weeds about on-base percentages or comparing his homers to Ruth or Bonds, we can do so on a separate thread. I chose Hammerin' Hank because it's his birthday.
I'm sorry to hear that (that you will be executor). Unless the estate is really small or most of the things are handled by beneficiary/TOD designations, it will all go thru probate. This will mean it have probate cost and will be in the public record. This is likely one of the best reasons to use a trust. I remember after my dad died, my mom was hit up by people selling her things she either didn't need or really could not afford. This is a great reason to have as little as possible to go thru probate.
Oy Vey, try having NYC property. lol, Do realtors scout out the obituaries? right after my dad passed, I mean literally the day after the funeral we had 2 real estate agents knock on the door asking what we were planning on doing with the house..
Yeesh.
growing_older
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Yes, they do. I once took a real estate class where this very tactic was taught as a way to get listings.
And realtors are not the only ones who read obituaries. When my mom passed, we saw several dubious characters lurking around and one who actually rang the doorbell then pretended to be workman looking for a neighboring house (he wasn't, we checked with the neighbor). Likewise, I've heard stories of houses ransacked during the funeral, when presumably everyone is out of the house.
There are people who sit in the back of probate court and take notes. Probate is public. I expect these people know what each person got.. and likely their addresses too.Oy Vey, try having NYC property. lol, Do realtors scout out the obituaries? right after my dad passed, I mean literally the day after the funeral we had 2 real estate agents knock on the door asking what we were planning on doing with the house..
Danmar
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I agree with this approach. We have taken our DD (and significant other/friend/spouse) on many wonderful trips. Several cruises, Southeast Asia, Turkey, France, UK, Caribbean, Spain, Florida. Not to mention frequent trips to our vacation properties.
I like to think we are creating a “Wonderful Portfolio of Memories” for her (and us as well). Perhaps a little “immortality” once we are gone?
In our case we are lucky that this isn’t really going to have much impact on her eventual inheritance.
Ready2Go
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My FIL has lived with this for 40 years when his mother died. His brother's inheritance was put in a trust because he was immature, irresponsible, lazy, etc. I can tell you that it has been just awful for my FIL. The constant phone calls, threats, more phone calls, unannounced visits, etc. demanding HIS money, have just made their relationship impossible on a good day, and dangerous on a bad day. 40 years of this!!
I like the annuity idea. Good luck!
I like the annuity idea. Good luck!
Yikes, that sounds like a nightmare and not a relationship worth having anyway. I suppose you could include a provision allowing the trustee to select an alternate trustee if management became untenable for reasons such as the one you describe.
Good advice here, for all to follow.
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I don't see any problem with Joylush's concern. The OP knows his children better than any of us would know them. One way to look at this would be to ask oneself, "What will make DS happiest at the age of 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, etc etc?"...
And what will give the OP the most peace-of-mind between the time he/she sets this up, and the time he/she dies? That's the real reason for estate planning. If OP lives another decade, that will give DS time to demonstrate some financial savvy, and the estate planning can be changed.
In the meantime, if OP thinks he/she has done the best, most appropriate job of dealing with the estate, then OP can rest easy at night, with the knowledge that it may not be perfect, but it's the best one could do.
Best of luck, Joylush.
And what will give the OP the most peace-of-mind between the time he/she sets this up, and the time he/she dies? That's the real reason for estate planning. If OP lives another decade, that will give DS time to demonstrate some financial savvy, and the estate planning can be changed.
In the meantime, if OP thinks he/she has done the best, most appropriate job of dealing with the estate, then OP can rest easy at night, with the knowledge that it may not be perfect, but it's the best one could do.
Best of luck, Joylush.
I know your point isn't for me but FTR:
I didn't poo poo his paying off credit card debit. I congratulated him.
Yes, it's true I never had the feeling personally but that doesn't mean I disparaged or denigrated him for paying off debt.
My words have been taken out of context it seems by a few people. I apologize if I wasn't clear.
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Yes, that is my greatest wish! One could handle a windfall and one isn't ready yet. Hopefully with time that will change. Being as I likely have many years ahead of me to experience change I'm worrying prematurely but I've always been a planner. I could die tomorrow and it will be out of my hands anyway. I just want to do what will help the most. Giving a no strings attached windfall to someone not ready for it, in my view, isn't taking care of them as best as I can.
MRG
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I have a family member who's son has a substance problem. She's tried for years to get that kid sober. Treatment, punishment, withholding money, not visiting him in jail. All those things and many more.
She actually thinks she isn't in his life and he's in control. She told me that she was doing a great job of not enabling him. This was after she told me about the conversation she had with his probation officer. He'll be 45 soon.
She actually thinks she isn't in his life and he's in control. She told me that she was doing a great job of not enabling him. This was after she told me about the conversation she had with his probation officer. He'll be 45 soon.
Decades ago when I was starting my career, my mentor took me to personal financial seminar. Among the pearls of wisdom that day was "if you want to ruin a young person's life, leave them a bunch of money before they are ready to handle it. And if you want to really pi$$ off your children, leave the money to their children"....
Thanks to that mentor, BTW, I have a secure retirement. My mentor still is living, will be 90 this year, and I have been blessed enough to have had the opportunity to thank him. And I have, many times. Without his mentoring, I would not have been so fortunate as I am today.
Inheritances in and of themselves are tricky affairs and you are right , one can only do the best one can.
for me, I try to ask "what is the purpose behind an inheritance". Is it really a gift for our heirs or are we using it to try and "control" behind the grave.
Now in my experience, trying to use money to get folks to "correct" what we view as negative behavior rarely, rarely works out well. Couple that with the very truism that once our children become adults they are free to act as they wish, whether or not we like it.
I don't think anyone has a "problem" with op's concern, heck most of us with children share those concerns, I know for me I'm just thinking of the ramifications of trying to use an inheritance to get her son to act how she feels he should act and then comparing them to his sibling.
Now as far as making our children "happy", again pretty much once they hit adulthood, we can wish and pray for their happiness and well being but the reality is, it is up to them.
My questions is a person sets up a trust making the "good" kid the trustee and then kicks the bucket. they are not there to deal with the ramifications and I'd be willing to bet dollars to donughts there will be ramifications.
like I said in all instances I've been involved with, controlling beyond the grave doesn't end well.
and isn't that horrible, because at the end of the day the immature, lazy dude does not see himself that way.
So me, I'd hand him a check, tell him hasta la vista baby and let the chips fall where they may.
In my situation I DID have the substance abuse brother. You know when he got himself together? when everyone said "bye boy" and he hit rock bottom. went through his inheritance, lost his house, every relationship he had and broke. He's 25 years clean and sober and a counselor at an opiod abuse center in NYC.
ivinsfan
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I think the context here is he's not you and you are not him.You don't like the way he handles money and are internally criticizing his every money move. These feelings can't really be hidden..He's not onboard with your money values and feels pressured or senses your disapproval about money matters..You said good job on the CC debt but in your head thought even having CC debt was only a sign of financial weakness..in a few of your posts you sound kind of disparaging and angry at him. Is it possible you could just let this ride for a couple of years with the hope that time will improve your communication and he might mature a little more.you are young yet and so is he..
