Adult children inheritance

[Joylush]

Inheritances in and of themselves are tricky affairs and you are right , one can only do the best one can.
for me, I try to ask "what is the purpose behind an inheritance". Is it really a gift for our heirs or are we using it to try and "control" behind the grave.

Now in my experience, trying to use money to get folks to "correct" what we view as negative behavior rarely, rarely works out well. Couple that with the very truism that once our children become adults they are free to act as they wish, whether or not we like it.

I don't think anyone has a "problem" with op's concern, heck most of us with children share those concerns, I know for me I'm just thinking of the ramifications of trying to use an inheritance to get her son to act how she feels he should act and then comparing them to his sibling.

Now as far as making our children "happy", again pretty much once they hit adulthood, we can wish and pray for their happiness and well being but the reality is, it is up to them.

My questions is a person sets up a trust making the "good" kid the trustee and then kicks the bucket. they are not there to deal with the ramifications and I'd be willing to bet dollars to donughts there will be ramifications.

like I said in all instances I've been involved with, controlling beyond the grave doesn't end well.

In my case I'm not trying to use the inheritance to control or change the behavior. He hasn't been told any of my thoughts, feelings or opinions. It's not nor will it ever be held over his head.
I would bet it's possible that if he was given a windfall and subsequently blew though it rather than accepting the fault was nobody's but his, he'd blame me for trusting him to manage the windfall before he was ready. Some people accept responsibility for their actions, others blame others for what happens to them and have the whole victim mentality. I can't say where my son falls completely but I could see him going either way. Thus I'm potentially in a no win situation so I have to do what I think is best knowing what I've been shown up to this point.

 

[Dash man]

Who did you contact at USAA to learn about this? Would this be their wealth management department?

Wealth Management can put you in touch with the Trust department, who were very helpful. They did provide the wording needed in the trust and we passed it on to our attorney. We then sent a copy of the Trust from our attorney to USAA to review. It was pretty smooth.

 

[John Galt III]

There are people who sit in the back of probate court and take notes. Probate is public. I expect these people know what each person got.. and likely their addresses too.

I call it 'The Vulture Industry'.... funeral homes with outrageous prices.... Ambulance companies that insist on the customer paying some huge amount after the insurance pays them some minimal amount.... repair men charging for made up problems...nursing homes overbilling for so many things, many not even done... the list goes on and on.... retirement community charging my mother $1,500 for 'gait training' for my dad when all they did was have him walk on a treadmill while they talked to him. And my mom paid them since she didn't want to make anyone mad....G** d*** those s*um***s, how low can you go??. Vultures picking clean the bones of the dead or elderly living....

 

[Ready2Go]

and isn't that horrible, because at the end of the day the immature, lazy dude does not see himself that way.
So me, I'd hand him a check, tell him hasta la vista baby and let the chips fall where they may.

In my situation I DID have the substance abuse brother. You know when he got himself together? when everyone said "bye boy" and he hit rock bottom. went through his inheritance, lost his house, every relationship he had and broke. He's 25 years clean and sober and a counselor at an opiod abuse center in NYC.

My FIL executed the trust as it was written. I forget the exact language but he was only to give him money for personal needs. This included vehicles and according to his brother, he always needed a new truck. He actually went bankrupt 2X over these 40 years. He continues to get credit cards in the mail and buys things he doesn't need. Good example...radar detectors. He's in his mid-70's now and buys a new radar detector every couple of years because "the police have new radar bands". Obviously sucked in by the company advertising. Best of all....THE GUY NEVER SPEEDS! He got pulled over recently for driving too slow.

 

[ChiliPepr]

In my case I'm not trying to use the inheritance to control or change the behavior. He hasn't been told any of my thoughts, feelings or opinions. It's not nor will it ever be held over his head.

Interesting... so, he does not know anything about it and will find out sometime after you pass that you are treating him differently?

 

[nvestysly]

To the OP...

After perusing the thread and thinking about the situation in my family I have some thoughts for you to consider - not an answer, and not radically different than some of the other discussion on the thread, but maybe a variation on how to approach the situation.

1) Simply divide the estate in two parts - the daughter will likely make the most of the situation and the son will likely blow through the money in short order. Oh well.

2) Give a large percentage of the estate to a non-profit organization (or two or three or more organizations) and a much smaller part to the daughter and son.

3) Start a charitable foundation with the estate and the daughter and son can be on the board. That way your money continues to benefit the organizations you find worthwhile. Your daughter will likely be fine with this approach and be happy that she is fulfilling your wishes. Your son may grumble but perhaps it will be a turning point in his life and he'll begin to see the value of money and how it can change lives.

4) Create a trust with some sort of mechanism that permits the person(s) (daughter and son) who do well with the money to be entrusted with more money. I'm thinking here of the biblical story in which the "master" entrusts money to workers and if the worker made more money they were entrusted with more responsibility. Those who spent the money or otherwise lost the money were not given more. Another way to think about this scenario is a "matching" situation - if the person makes money with their assets they are given a matching amount. If the person loses money or otherwise simply spends the money they are no longer given matching funds.

5) There have probably been numerous (perhaps countless) times when you've given your son money. Make a tabulation of those amounts and simply subtract that from any money he receives from the estate.

6) A variation on number 3 is what Warren Buffet did for his children. He funded a charitable foundation for each of his kids but the money must be given away. The children do not receive any direct benefit from their foundation.

 

[growing_older]

A variation on number 3 is what Warren Buffet did for his children. He funded a charitable foundation for each of his kids but the money must be given away. The children do not receive any direct benefit from their foundation.

People always know that Warren Buffet isn't leaving the bulk of his estate to his kids, but there's more to the story. Each of the kids did receive Berkshire stock on the death of their grandfather, which had they held on to would be worth about $72 million each at current prices.

Warren himself has famously quipped that he wants to provide enough for his kids to do anything they want to, but not enough to allow them to do nothing. The kids largely grew up before he was as famously wealthy as he is now, and they seem to be happy and enjoying their own lives. None is as driven as Warren and none have graduated college, but they are not deprived and are not struggling economically.

Yes, he also set up charitable foundations for each to run, and recently gave over $1 billion additional funding to each, total funding for each is over $2 billion so far. But that's not the only inheritance.

Lastly, the kids do get income from the foundations:

Susie considers it her full-time job, and her foundation pays her a $100,000 annual salary. (Howie gets some income from farming; Peter has his earnings from music, while his wife, Jennifer, who is president of their foundation, draws a $148,000 salary.)

 

[ivinsfan]

To the OP...

After perusing the thread and thinking about the situation in my family I have some thoughts for you to consider - not an answer, and not radically different than some of the other discussion on the thread, but maybe a variation on how to approach the situation.

1) Simply divide the estate in two parts - the daughter will likely make the most of the situation and the son will likely blow through the money in short order. Oh well.

2) Give a large percentage of the estate to a non-profit organization (or two or three or more organizations) and a much smaller part to the daughter and son.

3) Start a charitable foundation with the estate and the daughter and son can be on the board. That way your money continues to benefit the organizations you find worthwhile. Your daughter will likely be fine with this approach and be happy that she is fulfilling your wishes. Your son may grumble but perhaps it will be a turning point in his life and he'll begin to see the value of money and how it can change lives.

4) Create a trust with some sort of mechanism that permits the person(s) (daughter and son) who do well with the money to be entrusted with more money. I'm thinking here of the biblical story in which the "master" entrusts money to workers and if the worker made more money they were entrusted with more responsibility. Those who spent the money or otherwise lost the money were not given more. Another way to think about this scenario is a "matching" situation - if the person makes money with their assets they are given a matching amount. If the person loses money or otherwise simply spends the money they are no longer given matching funds.

5) There have probably been numerous (perhaps countless) times when you've given your son money. Make a tabulation of those amounts and simply subtract that from any money he receives from the estate.

6) A variation on number 3 is what Warren Buffet did for his children. He funded a charitable foundation for each of his kids but the money must be given away. The children do not receive any direct benefit from their foundation.

The OP has given no indication that number 5 is correct.

I'm not sure number 4 is even possible and in fact makes your heirs turn into hamsters in a wheel.

 

[SumDay]

We have this situation in DH's family. His folks wanted to make him Trustee and I politely refused. I was a probate paralegal in another life, and have seen the issues this causes, almost 100% of the time.


They made the bank/trustee the bad guy, and none of the kids can override it for this particular sibling.

 

[kcowan]

I always get a kick out of posters on these threads trying to manage the future. Since the future is full of infinite possibilities, the thread can go on and on.

Our will at 55 was much more complex than the one at 75. For one thing, there were no grandchildren. Now we are giving lots to all 9: 5 GCs and 2 kids and DILs every year. Includes substantial help with college educations.

When the final survivor croaks, half goes to named charities, and a quarter each to 2 kids. The kids are joint executors.

Their families have substantially different dynamics. It is fun to watch.

 

[nvestysly]

I always get a kick out of posters on these threads trying to manage the future. Since the future is full of infinite possibilities, the thread can go on and on.

Our will at 55 was much more complex than the one at 75. For one thing, there were no grandchildren. Now we are giving lots to all 9: 5 GCs and 2 kids and DILs every year. Includes substantial help with college educations.

When the final survivor croaks, half goes to named charities, and a quarter each to 2 kids. The kids are joint executors.

Their families have substantially different dynamics. It is fun to watch.

If there was no desire to manage the future (i.e. control the distribution of financial assets from an estate) there would be no reason to have a will or estate or anything of the sort. Perhaps putting the money in a bag along the sidewalk and see who finds it first is an alternative. That method is one of the infinite possibilities you refer to. That would also be fun to watch. I gather the OP was looking for other alternatives.

 

[Joylush]

To the OP...

After perusing the thread and thinking about the situation in my family I have some thoughts for you to consider - not an answer, and not radically different than some of the other discussion on the thread, but maybe a variation on how to approach the situation.

1) Simply divide the estate in two parts - the daughter will likely make the most of the situation and the son will likely blow through the money in short order. Oh well.

2) Give a large percentage of the estate to a non-profit organization (or two or three or more organizations) and a much smaller part to the daughter and son.

3) Start a charitable foundation with the estate and the daughter and son can be on the board. That way your money continues to benefit the organizations you find worthwhile. Your daughter will likely be fine with this approach and be happy that she is fulfilling your wishes. Your son may grumble but perhaps it will be a turning point in his life and he'll begin to see the value of money and how it can change lives.

4) Create a trust with some sort of mechanism that permits the person(s) (daughter and son) who do well with the money to be entrusted with more money. I'm thinking here of the biblical story in which the "master" entrusts money to workers and if the worker made more money they were entrusted with more responsibility. Those who spent the money or otherwise lost the money were not given more. Another way to think about this scenario is a "matching" situation - if the person makes money with their assets they are given a matching amount. If the person loses money or otherwise simply spends the money they are no longer given matching funds.

5) There have probably been numerous (perhaps countless) times when you've given your son money. Make a tabulation of those amounts and simply subtract that from any money he receives from the estate.

6) A variation on number 3 is what Warren Buffet did for his children. He funded a charitable foundation for each of his kids but the money must be given away. The children do not receive any direct benefit from their foundation.

Wow. Very well thought out reply. Thank you, you gave me a lot to consider.

Son went to a more expensive than public, private college (due to the fact he was on an ROTC scholarship). He had it made. Being in ROTC he earned a monthly stipend of about (going from memory) $600, plus an extra $300 for being enrolled in a needed language (Chinese) and he was reservist being paid as a Cadet so maybe another $400. That's $1400 a month to work one weekend a month plus room and board paid. He graduated high school with an associates degree so only needed two years more for his BA. This is a very smart kid.

First week of his senior year he was arrested for dealing marijuana out of his dorm room. Had to pay back all the scholarship money ($50,000), lawyer fee $5000 and was discharged from the Army.

We were of course very disappointed. His sister had a lot of guilt because while she had no part of it she kept telling him it was a very bad idea and being as she knew but didn't tell on him before someone else did, felt responsible.

We paid the Army back for him so as not to saddle him with that debt. We had the funds saved for his college which we were going to give to him at graduation because he didn't need it. So that was his loss. He was required to pay his lawyer's fees and for his final year of college because if he valued it, we felt he should pay for it and our money was spent paying for his self inflicted college debt.

He was allowed to participate in a program for first offenders. Upon completion his record would be sealed. During the process he was hired at several places but couldn't get a job due to the record not being sealed. Can't even work at a grocery store with a pending drug charge.

He found out had he been charged with a misdemeanor he still would be able to serve in the military. So he petioned the court and asked since his record would be sealed could they reduce the charges to a misdemeanor. When asked why, he explained so he might have a chance to peruse his dream of becoming a military officer. The court allowed him to come back and present his case.

I wasn't there. But the court essentially said they could not meet his request to reduce the charges. However because they were so impressed with him they instead decided to do him one better and dropped the charges completely as well as seal his record. He is one lucky young man.

He had to then find a National Guard unit, explain his history and see if they would take him. He did. In basic training he graduated number one in his unit and was selected for Officer Candidate school. He is now an Army Ranger, and First Liuetenant getting ready to deploy for a year with his guard unit. He was also the first member of his unit to complete Ranger School. He also has a good civilian job with a defense contractor in the intel field.

So he's cost plenty but he's coming along. He still stinks at managing money. At least it does seem he learns from his mistakes.

 

[bclover]

Wow. Very well thought out reply. Thank you, you gave me a lot to consider.

Son went to a more expensive than public, private college (due to the fact he was on an ROTC scholarship). He had it made. Being in ROTC he earned a monthly stipend of about (going from memory) $600, plus an extra $300 for being enrolled in a needed language (Chinese) and he was reservist being paid as a Cadet so maybe another $400. That's $1400 a month to work one weekend a month plus room and board paid. He graduated high school with an associates degree so only needed two years more for his BA. This is a very smart kid.

First week of his senior year he was arrested for dealing marijuana out of his dorm room. Had to pay back all the scholarship money ($50,000), lawyer fee $5000 and was discharged from the Army.

We were of course very disappointed. His sister had a lot of guilt because while she had no part of it she kept telling him it was a very bad idea and being as she knew but didn't tell on him before someone else did, felt responsible.

We paid the Army back for him so as not to saddle him with that debt. We had the funds saved for his college which we were going to give to him at graduation because he didn't need it. So that was his loss. He was required to pay his lawyer's fees and for his final year of college because if he valued it, we felt he should pay for it and our money was spent paying for his self inflicted college debt.

He was allowed to participate in a program for first offenders. Upon completion his record would be sealed. During the process he was hired at several places but couldn't get a job due to the record not being sealed. Can't even work at a grocery store with a pending drug charge.

He found out had he been charged with a misdemeanor he still would be able to serve in the military. So he petioned the court and asked since his record would be sealed could they reduce the charges to a misdemeanor. When asked why, he explained so he might have a chance to peruse his dream of becoming a military officer. The court allowed him to come back and present his case.

I wasn't there. But the court essentially said they could not meet his request to reduce the charges. However because they were so impressed with him they instead decided to do him one better and dropped the charges completely as well as seal his record. He is one lucky young man.

He had to then find a National Guard unit, explain his history and see if they would take him. He did. In basic training he graduated number one in his unit and was selected for Officer Candidate school. He is now an Army Ranger, and First Liuetenant getting ready to deploy for a year with his guard unit. He was also the first member of his unit to complete Ranger School. He also has a good civilian job with a defense contractor in the intel field.

So he's cost plenty but he's coming along. He still stinks at managing money. At least it does seem he learns from his mistakes.

AWESOME!!!

Ok, this is great. Look at it this way Joy, In my opinion character building is waaaay more important in making financial mistakes. really, now more than ever I think you son will come around and continue to develop.

 

[FlaGator]

Wow. Very well thought out reply. Thank you, you gave me a lot to consider.

Son went to a more expensive than public, private college (due to the fact he was on an ROTC scholarship). He had it made. Being in ROTC he earned a monthly stipend of about (going from memory) $600, plus an extra $300 for being enrolled in a needed language (Chinese) and he was reservist being paid as a Cadet so maybe another $400. That's $1400 a month to work one weekend a month plus room and board paid. He graduated high school with an associates degree so only needed two years more for his BA. This is a very smart kid.

First week of his senior year he was arrested for dealing marijuana out of his dorm room. Had to pay back all the scholarship money ($50,000), lawyer fee $5000 and was discharged from the Army.

We were of course very disappointed. His sister had a lot of guilt because while she had no part of it she kept telling him it was a very bad idea and being as she knew but didn't tell on him before someone else did, felt responsible.

We paid the Army back for him so as not to saddle him with that debt. We had the funds saved for his college which we were going to give to him at graduation because he didn't need it. So that was his loss. He was required to pay his lawyer's fees and for his final year of college because if he valued it, we felt he should pay for it and our money was spent paying for his self inflicted college debt.

He was allowed to participate in a program for first offenders. Upon completion his record would be sealed. During the process he was hired at several places but couldn't get a job due to the record not being sealed. Can't even work at a grocery store with a pending drug charge.

He found out had he been charged with a misdemeanor he still would be able to serve in the military. So he petioned the court and asked since his record would be sealed could they reduce the charges to a misdemeanor. When asked why, he explained so he might have a chance to peruse his dream of becoming a military officer. The court allowed him to come back and present his case.

I wasn't there. But the court essentially said they could not meet his request to reduce the charges. However because they were so impressed with him they instead decided to do him one better and dropped the charges completely as well as seal his record. He is one lucky young man.

He had to then find a National Guard unit, explain his history and see if they would take him. He did. In basic training he graduated number one in his unit and was selected for Officer Candidate school. He is now an Army Ranger, and First Liuetenant getting ready to deploy for a year with his guard unit. He was also the first member of his unit to complete Ranger School. He also has a good civilian job with a defense contractor in the intel field.

So he's cost plenty but he's coming along. He still stinks at managing money. At least it does seem he learns from his mistakes.

Impressive turnaround!

Thank you sharing his story. Your frustration with him is now more understandable to me.

Pass along my thanks for his service - RLTW

 

[Joylush]

Impressive turnaround!

Thank you sharing his story. Your frustration with him is now more understandable to me.

Pass along my thanks for his service - RLTW

Oh there are other stories of frustration and stupidity but that was probably the worst one.
I have several friends with kids who have a variety of issues they struggle with. I mean some significant problems (physical/mental). I realize I'm fortunate to have healthy children with endless potential. My son is on the self-centered side but I believe he also has some insecurity issues so I do try not to be too hard on him. He's very smart but definitely still lacks maturity. He is a prime example of someone who is too smart for their own good. He hasn't quite realized that he doesn't know everything.
It's frustrating to see other kids who try so hard but due to various reasons will always struggle and then see another without such limitations wasting their potential.

Thank you for the kind words. He absolutely loves the military and would love nothing more than to be on active duty fulltime so he gets credit there. Both his parents were military officers so it kind of makes sense. He's not a bad kid. Just a bit of a gambler. I'm probably just an overly conservative worried Mom. Then again I know him.

 

[ivinsfan]

Wow. Very well thought out reply. Thank you, you gave me a lot to consider.

Son went to a more expensive than public, private college (due to the fact he was on an ROTC scholarship). He had it made. Being in ROTC he earned a monthly stipend of about (going from memory) $600, plus an extra $300 for being enrolled in a needed language (Chinese) and he was reservist being paid as a Cadet so maybe another $400. That's $1400 a month to work one weekend a month plus room and board paid. He graduated high school with an associates degree so only needed two years more for his BA. This is a very smart kid.

First week of his senior year he was arrested for dealing marijuana out of his dorm room. Had to pay back all the scholarship money ($50,000), lawyer fee $5000 and was discharged from the Army.

We were of course very disappointed. His sister had a lot of guilt because while she had no part of it she kept telling him it was a very bad idea and being as she knew but didn't tell on him before someone else did, felt responsible.

We paid the Army back for him so as not to saddle him with that debt. We had the funds saved for his college which we were going to give to him at graduation because he didn't need it. So that was his loss. He was required to pay his lawyer's fees and for his final year of college because if he valued it, we felt he should pay for it and our money was spent paying for his self inflicted college debt.

He was allowed to participate in a program for first offenders. Upon completion his record would be sealed. During the process he was hired at several places but couldn't get a job due to the record not being sealed. Can't even work at a grocery store with a pending drug charge.

He found out had he been charged with a misdemeanor he still would be able to serve in the military. So he petioned the court and asked since his record would be sealed could they reduce the charges to a misdemeanor. When asked why, he explained so he might have a chance to peruse his dream of becoming a military officer. The court allowed him to come back and present his case.

I wasn't there. But the court essentially said they could not meet his request to reduce the charges. However because they were so impressed with him they instead decided to do him one better and dropped the charges completely as well as seal his record. He is one lucky young man.

He had to then find a National Guard unit, explain his history and see if they would take him. He did. In basic training he graduated number one in his unit and was selected for Officer Candidate school. He is now an Army Ranger, and First Liuetenant getting ready to deploy for a year with his guard unit. He was also the first member of his unit to complete Ranger School. He also has a good civilian job with a defense contractor in the intel field.

So he's cost plenty but he's coming along. He still stinks at managing money. At least it does seem he learns from his mistakes.

Wow, so not only is not a drag on society, he is an Army Ranger serving his country.

An unhappy experience for him and his family in college, but I'm not getting your obsession in regards to him and money..Just don't get it.

What would he have to do to prove himself worthy of your leftover money? Seems like you set a pretty high bar.

 

[Joylush]

Wow, so not only is not a drag on society, he is an Army Ranger serving his country.

An unhappy experience for him and his family in college, but I'm not getting your obsession in regards to him and money..Just don't get it.

What would he have to do to prove himself worthy of your leftover money? Seems like you set a pretty high bar.

That's ok. You don't have to. You don't know as much as I do so you just have to trust my concerns. I never said he was drag on society. Although at the rate he's going he'll never be able to retire. I said he was foolish with money. Being a landlord I've seen a lot of people who are very foolish with their money. I guess I'm not much into the idea of giving money to people who are foolish with it. I have a portfolio of very low interest rate loans made to people who have shown me they are responsible with money. I would not give him a loan at this point if he needed one. It would damage our relationship so someone else would have to take the risk there. Because he has not shown himself to be responsible with money.

 

[ivinsfan]

That's ok. You don't have to. You don't know as much as I do so you just have to trust my concerns. I never said he was drag on society. Although at the rate he's going he'll never be able to retire. I said he was foolish with money. Being a landlord I've seen a lot of people who are very foolish with their money. I guess I'm not much into the idea of giving money to people who are foolish with it. I have a portfolio of very low interest rate loans made to people who have shown me they are responsible with money. I would not give him a loan at this point if he needed one. It would damage our relationship so someone else would have to take the risk there. Because he has not shown himself to be responsible with money.

Maybe he won't want to retire, yesterday my DH had a consult with a 70 year old heart surgeon. I accept you are very concerned with the proper use of money. to each his own...I also accept that some money bias are built in or ingrained in people and difficult to change. I hope you can figure out your path in regards to your son..

 

[Joylush]

Maybe he won't want to retire, yesterday my DH had a consult with a 70 year old heart surgeon. I accept you are very concerned with the proper use of money. to each his own...I also accept that some money bias are built in or ingrained in people and difficult to change. I hope you can figure out your path in regards to your son..

Unfortunately I think you are right. Only time will tell.

A 70 year old heart surgeon. I hope that went well. At least he's experienced but I'd probably be nervous. I'm probably just more of a worrier.

 

[bigcmagor]

Wow. Very well thought out reply. Thank you, you gave me a lot to consider.

Son went to a more expensive than public, private college (due to the fact he was on an ROTC scholarship). He had it made. Being in ROTC he earned a monthly stipend of about (going from memory) $600, plus an extra $300 for being enrolled in a needed language (Chinese) and he was reservist being paid as a Cadet so maybe another $400. That's $1400 a month to work one weekend a month plus room and board paid. He graduated high school with an associates degree so only needed two years more for his BA. This is a very smart kid.

First week of his senior year he was arrested for dealing marijuana out of his dorm room. Had to pay back all the scholarship money ($50,000), lawyer fee $5000 and was discharged from the Army.

We were of course very disappointed. His sister had a lot of guilt because while she had no part of it she kept telling him it was a very bad idea and being as she knew but didn't tell on him before someone else did, felt responsible.

We paid the Army back for him so as not to saddle him with that debt. We had the funds saved for his college which we were going to give to him at graduation because he didn't need it. So that was his loss. He was required to pay his lawyer's fees and for his final year of college because if he valued it, we felt he should pay for it and our money was spent paying for his self inflicted college debt.

He was allowed to participate in a program for first offenders. Upon completion his record would be sealed. During the process he was hired at several places but couldn't get a job due to the record not being sealed. Can't even work at a grocery store with a pending drug charge.

He found out had he been charged with a misdemeanor he still would be able to serve in the military. So he petioned the court and asked since his record would be sealed could they reduce the charges to a misdemeanor. When asked why, he explained so he might have a chance to peruse his dream of becoming a military officer. The court allowed him to come back and present his case.

I wasn't there. But the court essentially said they could not meet his request to reduce the charges. However because they were so impressed with him they instead decided to do him one better and dropped the charges completely as well as seal his record. He is one lucky young man.

He had to then find a National Guard unit, explain his history and see if they would take him. He did. In basic training he graduated number one in his unit and was selected for Officer Candidate school. He is now an Army Ranger, and First Liuetenant getting ready to deploy for a year with his guard unit. He was also the first member of his unit to complete Ranger School. He also has a good civilian job with a defense contractor in the intel field.

So he's cost plenty but he's coming along. He still stinks at managing money. At least it does seem he learns from his mistakes.

What a comeback story! And an Army Ranger? Heck, I want to give him half of MY estate.

 

[Aerides]

(The comment above that, while you didn't really feel it, you congratulated him on paying off debt... if my mom congratulated me without feeling it would be plain as day what she really felt. Not saying you are the same, but when we think we can mask our true feelings with those closest to us we are often kidding ourselves.)

That aside, at 27 I was headed into a terrible idea of a marriage, with CC debt equal to about 1/2 my income, neither of which were impressive. (Divorced a few years later, got my act together in my 30's, married much better, and RE'd at 47).

So things can surely turn around. Your DS has already recovered from mistakes, impressively, and while he's not great with the money stuff he's far from terrible, and has good income. Besides the 11k in CC debt he cleared with the IRA payout (doh), I'm not reading a pattern. Hopefully there isn't much of one. Time will tell.

Whatever you do, do NOT make DD the trust holder -do not put her in charge of his portion. If you are considering letting her have a lump sum, and then having a trust manage his portion, tell her to move several states away. There's really no way you can distribute the funds like that without him resenting her, and/or frequently hitting her up (assuming he has money issues in the future, which somehow I doubt will materialize). There's really no way to do it in a way that isn't perfectly matched without there being some resentment between them - again unless he can shrug it off because he's comfortable regardless of the inheritance.

 

[ncbill]

That's ok. You don't have to. You don't know as much as I do so you just have to trust my concerns. I never said he was a drag on society. Although at the rate he's going he'll never be able to retire. I said he was foolish with money. Being a landlord I've seen a lot of people who are very foolish with their money. I guess I'm not much into the idea of giving money to people who are foolish with it. I have a portfolio of very low-interest rate loans made to people who have shown me they are responsible with money. I would not give him a loan at this point if he needed one. It would damage our relationship so someone else would have to take the risk there. Because he has not shown himself to be responsible with money.

Even if he only serves in the Reserves he should be able to accumulate enough points for a pension, eventually.

Though I see the appeal of active duty, which is why given their vocational interests I'm encouraging my kids to pursue that route (one's already under contract for several years active duty after graduation)

 

[RenoJay]

I’m with the OP being very careful. I know a young woman in her 20’s who got a $1mm inheritance. She bought four rental houses, which is reasonably smart. Then her boyfriend (a mid 30’s insurance agent) talked her into taking a hard money loan with a high interest rate and fees against the property so he could do a “business deal” that was going to pay off in spades a month later. Suffice it to say, a year later there was no word about the supposed business deal and the girl needed to sell off her properties to pay off the loan. Shockingly she’s still with the boyfriend. Her grandfather who left her the money was last seen turning in his grave.

 

[Joylush]

I’m with the OP being very careful. I know a young woman in her 20’s who got a $1mm inheritance. She bought four rental houses, which is reasonably smart. Then her boyfriend (a mid 30’s insurance agent) talked her into taking a hard money loan with a high interest rate and fees against the property so he could do a “business deal” that was going to pay off in spades a month later. Suffice it to say, a year later there was no word about the supposed business deal and the girl needed to sell off her properties to pay off the loan. Shockingly she’s still with the boyfriend. Her grandfather who left her the money was last seen turning in his grave.

Exactly! My son is easily talked into get rich quick schemes. He needs to be protected from himself. Ditto for my adult sister (no hope of change for her), my son, perhaps. My point from the start has been to help protect which some believe is being overly controlling as in something negative.

Personally I'd rather he was protected even if it meant he felt controlled. And hopefully when the maturity and common sense came along he'd be grateful I had the foresight to have protected him.

 

[ivinsfan]

Exactly! My son is easily talked into get rich quick schemes. He needs to be protected from himself. Ditto for my adult sister (no hope of change for her), my son, perhaps. My point from the start has been to help protect which some believe is being overly controlling as in something negative.

Personally I'd rather he was protected even if it meant he felt controlled. And hopefully when the maturity and common sense came along he'd be grateful I had the foresight to have protected him.

I think you mix apples and oranges in your replies here.

Proper money management or the way you see proper money management is highly important to you and not so much to your adult son. You admit that the thought of your leftover money being "wasted and ill-spent" makes you queasy.

You said the thought of this causes you real pain. That's a real issue for you.I understand that. You also keep lumping your son in with your sister. They are not the same person. It's not really fair to your son to use your sister as a reason to want to control how he spends money.

I have two daughters and at that age I knew nothing about their finances, they were working adults, married and it was their business not mine.

Not only do you know about your son's feckless spending habits, you know how much his twin has in savings and 401's,and you are comparing a great saver to a pretty normal 26 year old man. When you mentally compare your kids in this area, your DS will most likely always lag his sister.

Your boy has a good job, worked himself through a very difficult situation and is a Ranger..I'd say he has a pretty good store of common sense and maturity right now and waiting for him to change his money views might take a really long time..

Think long and hard about a trust for both your kids. It will prevent tension between them after you are gone. And, in the event your daughter makes a bad marriage, or meets an unforeseen end after you are gone, a trustee will keep her ex or spouse out of the picture and make sure any kids she has are protected. Don't think of it as protecting your son from himself or rewarding your DD for her money skills think of it as a way to ensure money keeps flowing in a positive manner thru the generations.