Advice Column - Ex Family co-mingled

[kgtest]

What to do...
My little kids are having a birthday, and I want to invite their cousins who are now living with "dad", my late sister's ex-husband. DW and I do not respect nor care to see the "ex" if at all possible, but ever since my DS passed we have been "sucking it up" for the sake of trying to maintain the cousins relationship between our children and my nieces.

It was a very bitter divorce, very ugly, wrenched, inhumane and we view ex with many character flaws (abusive to my late sister, Narcissistic, a little too touchy feely around the females, etc.)

Do I simply just invite the girls and hope ex just drops them off, do I offer to pick up cousins and drop them off after the party...or just suck it up 'again' and invite the whole co-mingled family including ex, his new spouse and her unrelated daughter. Or don't invite them at all which is my least favorite option.

WWYD?? What would you do?

 

[Jerry1]

I’d offer to come pick them up and see if that works. That’s also a way to indicate that you only want the cousins.

 

[braumeister]

Is this something your kids would really like?

I ask because my relations with my cousins as a kid were not terribly cordial. I was the poor relation and we had absolutely nothing in common.

 

[youbet]

Is this a kids' birthday party with a significant number of children invited and featuring the usual kid-orientated activities? Or is it going to be more of a family get-together? The party's style will be an important factor in how you handle the situation. It's easy and common for invitations to specify drop-off and pick-up times for birthday parties strictly catering to the children. It's a lot touchier if it's more of a family get-together with a birthday celebration rolled in.

Also, your feelings towards your ex-BIL, his DW and stepchild will be completely obvious to both your children and your nieces. Your nieces may not share your contempt for their dad and may not enjoy being educated about what a scoundrel he is. Keep this in mind if you really want to promote a positive relationship between your kids and your nieces.

Good luck!

 

[ivinsfan]

I have a different take which is don't do the birthday with the cousins. Instead in the near future call and say we are going to a movie, the zoo, swimming or whatever and would love to take the cousins with us. Can I pick them up at certain date and time. No confusion ...


Would it be nice if they were at the party? Sure, but the number one goal is to minimize contact and bad feelings between you the dad and the new wife. This is one less way for anyone to be offended. I know you said it's your least favorite option but your loss is still very raw. These relationships are pretty fragile.

 

[kgtest]

I have a different take which is don't do the birthday with the cousins. Instead in the near future call and say we are going to a movie, the zoo, swimming or whatever and would love to take the cousins with us. Can I pick them up at certain date and time. No confusion ...


Would it be nice if they were at the party? Sure, but the number one goal is to minimize contact and bad feelings between you the dad and the new wife. This is one less way for anyone to be offended. I know you said it's your least favorite option but your loss is still very raw. These relationships are pretty fragile.

Good point.

Someone asked if the kids have good relationships. I feel they do for the most part. I have taken just the cousins on a weekend water park vacation and they had a lot of fun. With that said, I totally get that there are times cousins don't get along... My late sister was abused by one of her cousins and we didn't find out until reading her journal after she had passed. So I get that completely.

I think I will offer to pick them up. I have my nieces number and can message her directly without getting too involved with the "ex".

 

[ivinsfan]

Good point.

Someone asked if the kids have good relationships. I feel they do for the most part. I have taken just the cousins on a weekend water park vacation and they had a lot of fun. With that said, I totally get that there are times cousins don't get along... My late sister was abused by one of her cousins and we didn't find out until reading her journal after she had passed. So I get that completely.

I think I will offer to pick them up. I have my nieces number and can message her directly without getting too involved with the "ex".

How old is this niece...be conscious about putting her in the middle...I feel for you these situations are so awkward

 

[kgtest]

How old is this niece...be conscious about putting her in the middle...I feel for you these situations are so awkward

She is about to be 14 and her younger sister is 10. They really do love their cousins and they play as well as they can for age gaps. Its also a little more that they like to hangout with my OTHER sisters kids who are closer in age than my kids. It is super awkward.

 

[Exchme]

The ex may be as wretched to the kids as to your sister, so you may be more important to these kids than you know. Kids need positive role models, love and a safe space to grow, I would try to give that to them.

As you suggested, for this party, by all means pick the kids up and drop them off. But on the broader point, they may need a lifeline and you have a chance to provide it.

 

[youbet]

I think I will offer to pick them up. I have my nieces number and can message her directly without getting too involved with the "ex".

This comment is in no way meant in defense of your nieces' dad (your ex-BIL) or arguing against your condemnation of him, but I think you would be really pushing it if you contacted your nieces directly and picked them up without his approval direct to you. Don't put his daughters, your nieces, in the middle between their uncle and their father.

And try to keep in mind that by "sucking it up" (as you put it) and maintaining some sort of non-lethal relationship with your ex-BIL, you will gain much more insight into their family's life and what's going on than if you openly try to drive a wedge between ex-BIL and his daughters by covert communications.

 

[aja8888]

This comment is in no way meant in defense of your nieces' dad (your ex-BIL) or arguing against your condemnation of him, but I think you would be really pushing it if you contacted your nieces directly and picked them up without his approval direct to you. Don't put his daughters, your nieces, in the middle.

Exactly. I feel you need to get his permission to have them attend.

 

[CoolRich59]

…we view ex with many character flaws (…a little too touchy feely around the females, etc.)

Semi-serious suggestion. Encourage one of the ladies to publicly call him out the next time he’s gets a little too friendly with his unwanted affections.

I suspect he will absent himself from future gatherings. Problem solved.

 

[ivinsfan]

Semi-serious suggestion. Encourage one of the ladies to publicly call him out the next time he’s gets a little too friendly with his unwanted affections.

I suspect he will absent himself from future gatherings. Problem solved.

If this was meant to be funny it's an abject fail

 

[jazz4cash]

By inviting the nieces (with ex- BIL's permission), I assume the invitation would include the step sibling? Unless there is an age gap, it seems appropriate to include the step-sibling.

 

[tulak]

I would contact the ex-BIL and ask if you could pick your nieces up for the party. It sounds like he wouldn’t mind if they don’t have other plans.

I think it’s great that you are trying to maintain the relationship with your kids and their cousins. I’m close to some of my cousins and this is because we spent time together as kids. These are relationships that I deeply value. On the flip-side my kids have cousins, but they are far and didn’t spend as much time with them. They still visit, but it’s a bummer they aren’t closer.

 

[Aerides]

Semi-serious suggestion. Encourage one of the ladies to publicly call him out the next time he’s gets a little too friendly with his unwanted affections.

I suspect he will absent himself from future gatherings. Problem solved.

I don't think that's on them (the ladies), and I know if someone is being overly friendly I'm more likely to exit the situation than inflame it.

Bottom line on all of this is you want (presumably) a relationship with your nieces, and to not cause them any distress. So do what you can to keep them in your world, with all possible support after what they've been through, without putting any further burdens on them. Don't hint to them that their dad was bad to their mom, or try to put them in the middle.

 

[CoolRich59]

If this was meant to be funny it's an abject fail

Why? What is wrong with a lady telling a jerk to keep their hands to themselves?

 

[youbet]

Why? What is wrong with a lady telling a jerk to keep their hands to themselves?

Nothing is wrong with that CoolRich59. But that's not what you said.

You said: "Encourage one of the ladies to publicly call him out the next time he’s gets a little too friendly........" "I suspect he will absent himself from future gatherings."

Maybe the lady doesn't want to call him out "publicly." Maybe, if the offense is minor or perhaps unintentional, she just wants to correct him discreetly. She has a right to handle it how she wants but how she does it is up to her, not you.