Affect of ER on friendships

[haha]

So your lady friend still works, too? I highly recommend this, as it is a perfect scenario. I get my alone time in the day, with no marching orders, then can go over in evening and visit. Since she has to get up early in the morning, she goes to bed early so I don't have to be over there all night. Me thinks serious problems would occur if we got married. I imagine the resentment would grow, knowing for the next 18 years of marriage she would have to roll out of bed to go to work while I do nothing. But don't think I am a cheapo, it's just if we married and she immediately retired, then I would have to go back to work, because she has few assets, and I don't have enough for two!

Very good analysis of one of life's better situations. I have this too. I like dates with frames around them, saying, "hey girl, this is fun time." Lately I have able to get easy extra points by having her over for dinner often, because her place is being painted inside, and it is hard for her to get meals made after work. Also, when a woman isn't around all the time it is easier for some men, definitely including me, to have our game on when she is around. When we are together, I am not going to be distracted or preoccupied with some day to day thing, and I can be fully available emotionally to pay attention to her.

Ha

 

[Mulligan]

Very good analysis of one of life's better situations. I have this too. I like dates with frames around them, saying, "hey girl, this is fun time." Lately I have able to get easy extra points by having her over for dinner often, because her place is being painted inside, and it is hard for her to get meals made after work. Also, when a woman isn't around all the time it is easier for some men, definitely including me, to have our game on when she is around. When we are together, I am not going to be distracted or preoccupied with some day to day thing, and I can be fully available emotionally to pay attention to her.

Ha

That is spot on! I am certainly able to devote better attention to her during shorter time windows. She likes to talk about her day and expects me to listen. If we lived together I might get yelled at for not listening. Kind of like that Klondike Bar commercial, where the guy gets an award for paying attention for 5 seconds to what his wife was yapping about.

 

[ShortInSeattle]

"hey girl, this is fun time."

Ha

It works for Ryan Gosling. http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Ryan+Gosling+Hey+Girl&FORM=RESTAB

 

[haha]

It works for Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling Hey Girl - Bing Images

Thanks for sharing this Sis. I had already decided that Ryan was going to be my guru in matters of love. After all, who could teach me better? Now if I only had those Sweet Beagle eyes!

I was so angry at that sexy but heartless Michelle Williams for treating him so shabbily in Blue Valentine. All he asked was some love and understanding.

Ha

 

[Sarah in SC]

As a DINK, we went through huge friendship changes when everyone else had kids. It has been difficult.

I used to cultivate friendships at work, but do not anymore.

So, I'm looking forward to ER for a fresh start to new friendships.

+1 on the peeps with kids. DH will be dropping out this summer, and I'm interested to see how he manages his friendships because everyone he knows will still be working, me included. But some of our folks have somewhat fluid jobs, with days off during the week and seasonal work schedules, so he may find that he can connect well enough to keep him happy.

 

[MichaelB]

ER sure is one way to know who the real friends are. Real friends are happy for you while the others are just jealous.

 

[MRG]

MichealB - I'm afraid you are correct. I got a few of "how great for you" comments, however 95% of my co-workers first comments to me when I announced ER, "I'm Jealous".

 

[Midpack]

ER sure is one way to know who the real friends are. Real friends are happy for you while the others are just jealous.

That has been a surprise. There are two guys who worked for me who I got along with well enough (not great, not bad), who were furious when I announced I was retiring early (because I was "in management"). They decided I retired on the backs of their hard work (never mind that we lived on less than half our income for more than 20 years), and still refuse to even look at or speak to me in public - now almost 2 years later. One of them refused to shake hands on my last day when I was making the rounds saying goodbye to everyone.

I don't really care about either of them, but it's still odd IMO.

 

[Mulligan]

That has been a surprise. There are two guys who worked for me who I got along with well enough (not great, not bad), who were furious when I announced I was retiring early (because I was "in management"). They decided I retired on the backs of their hard work (never mind that we lived on less than half our income for more than 20 years), and still refuse to even look at or speak to me in public - now almost 2 years later. One of them refused to shake hands on my last day when I was making the rounds saying goodbye to everyone.

I don't really care about either of them, but it's still odd IMO.

Yes, some people have a very odd since of logic. If you had continued working because you spent all your money and did not have a nickel saved, they would not be mad at you. But since you saved it instead of spending it, they don't like you. It was still the same salary earned either way, but they don't see it that way for some reason.

 

[Rustward]

My last job unexpectedly came to a very abrupt end in early 2008. I looked around and did not see anything that I wanted to move into -- not many employers were hiring people into 6 figure j*bs in the beginning of the Great Recession so I just cooled my heels. Discussing this with DW we decided that the best course of action would be for her to work until January of 2013 when she would qualify for an unreduced pension and retiree health insurance from her public-sector job. We could afford to ER in 2008 but would not have had access to the medical, so that was the driver. Friends and former cow*rkers kind of suspected that we were OK, but were not sure.

Then DW got RIF'd in 2011, 18 months short of retiring with an unreduced pension (not a massive pension, but significant). After 12 months of looking, and at least 250 applications, DW got a job making less than half what she made before. The salary was not important -- she just wanted the pension and health insurance. So she joined the class of 2012 retiring in December.

Some people still ask me when I am going to get a J*b, tell me to go be a teacher, yada yada yada.

Siblings: DW has three, one older than she, and two who are younger. They live near here, see us often, and I think they get it.

I have three siblings that are 5, 9, and 13 years older. They treat me like a little snotty nosed kid that knows nothing. Maybe this is typical with older siblings. The 5 year older one kind of gets that we are FI. The 9 and 13 year older ones don't have the slightest clue even though we are living on more than we have ever spent before with a 1.9% WR. The rest of the family we hardly have any contact with.

So, executive summary: mixed bag.

 

[Cat-tirement]

The tough one for me is how few early retirees are out there. None of my peer age friends are even close to retiring. And I'm not ready to hang out with older retirees just yet.

This was one of the factors in our choice of future retirement destination. There are quite a few early retirees and semi-retirees in the area, many of whom moved there from someplace else as we will be doing.

 

[Cat-tirement]

As a DINK, we went through huge friendship changes when everyone else had kids. It has been difficult.

I used to cultivate friendships at work, but do not anymore.

So, I'm looking forward to ER for a fresh start to new friendships.

I can relate to this. We never had kids either, and as time went on, our circle of friends evolved to be disproportionately childless as well. I don't really have social friends at work, though a number of our joint friends are through DW's work.

Part of my ER vision is also a fresh start to new friendships in a new location, where I expect there will be an increased overlap in interests, and I'll have much more time to pursue them.

 

[Moemg]

Every life change usually requires new friends and retirement is no different . I have acquired a new set of friends. Most are retired or work occasionally .We lunch, go to events & just laugh & enjoy each other . My SO & I also spend more time together and this has been good but if Ryan Gosling wanted to friend me I would not say no.

 

[scrabbler1]

So your lady friend still works, too? I highly recommend this, as it is a perfect scenario. I get my alone time in the day, with no marching orders, then can go over in evening and visit. Since she has to get up early in the morning, she goes to bed early so I don't have to be over there all night. Me thinks serious problems would occur if we got married. I imagine the resentment would grow, knowing for the next 18 years of marriage she would have to roll out of bed to go to work while I do nothing. But don't think I am a cheapo, it's just if we married and she immediately retired, then I would have to go back to work, because she has few assets, and I don't have enough for two!

Yes, she works full-time. While I get my alone-time during the day to do my volunteer work and local errands and whatever else I feel like (or do nuthin LOL), I am actually busiest at night when she is done with work. I have ny dancing 2 or 3 nights per week. She used to join me to dance (square dance) one night and come with me to watch another night but lately she does it rarely if ever. And one more weeknight I am with my best (male) friend. One the third dance night I go to her place afterward because that dance night ends earlier than the others.

Like your GF, mine has nearly no money and could not retire. I don't want to live at her place and mine is too small to hold 2 people (it is a studio apartment). So living separately is best for both of us.

Once in a while, I stay over at her place on a work night but she usually has to get up early to go to work. I don't sleep well a lot of the time so it is not so bad, but it is still a bit of a disruptive way to start the day.

 

[Redbugdave]

Yes, some people have a very odd since of logic. If you had continued working because you spent all your money and did not have a nickel saved, they would not be mad at you. But since you saved it instead of spending it, they don't like you. It was still the same salary earned either way, but they don't see it that way for some reason.

That is a good point you guys made, Midpack and Mulligan. I have noticed the same thing here. I think it is a feeling of entitlement...that they can do nothing about. They see you every day in the same environment they are, and yet you are "getting ahead", of them. They need and want to be a part of that. But cannot. It's like a benefit that only certain people are entitled to get from work and others are not allowed that benefit. It's not fair in their mind.

They don't know the sacrifices you made and they did not. I look at it as the Ant and Grasshopper Syndrome...or Tortoise and Hare Complex. Who will help me eat this bread?...(remember that one?). I don't think their parents told all those old stories to them as kids, either...

 

[cantlogin]

Oh yes, "The Little Red Hen".
I'm sure that has a lot to do with my own successful early retirement attempt. Seriously.

 

[Beryl]

I spend no time with former coworkers with whom I would regularly socialize but I've met new friends and have improved other non-work relationships. I have mixed feelings about that. I miss my former coworkers but not enough to regret ER.

Family is different. Initially I heard the "what will WE" do concerns from those would would ask for money every 6 months -- like clockwork. They were NOT in favor of my ER. They had to be wean off of their begging routine which was helped by my "I'm retired - receiving a pension that is 30% of my salary" comment. After 2 years, they don't ask for money anymore. Hope that lasts.

I am bonding with other ER family members though and that is terrific.

 

[deserat]

That has been a surprise. There are two guys who worked for me who I got along with well enough (not great, not bad), who were furious when I announced I was retiring early (because I was "in management"). They decided I retired on the backs of their hard work (never mind that we lived on less than half our income for more than 20 years), and still refuse to even look at or speak to me in public - now almost 2 years later. One of them refused to shake hands on my last day when I was making the rounds saying goodbye to everyone.

I don't really care about either of them, but it's still odd IMO.

They weren't friends and my it seems the world should revolve around them, eh? They are merely jacka$$es and frankly haven't matured enough to realize it isn't all about them - sheesh. But then, I am not surprised.....and of course, you are much better off. Perhaps if they get wise, they will realize they could have what you have, too, someday.....

 

[Billy]

I have had a hard time with this as well....the work friends dropped me like a hot potato once I left.

Because Billy and I owned our business or otherwise were in management positions, having work friends (versus work acquaintances) was a fine line to walk. It’s hard to socialize and share personal lives with an employee then direct them - if necessary - in their projects the following day. So when we left the conventional working world (at age 38), many of those relationships faded away.


During our career years we put in 60-80 hour workweeks which didn’t always leave time for casual socializing. When we did have parties or joined friends on vacations, they were upscale affairs – something we chose not to continue as we took 2 years to consciously work towards our financial independence (we had savings so tried for those 2 years to live on our allotted $$ amount to see if we could do it). Once we left that lifestyle we also sort of left that social circle.


Family – my mom had no frame of reference in 1991 for what we were doing. As a child of the Great Depression, she saw us leaving “perfectly good jobs and a beautiful home” to travel the world, which she thought was irresponsible. Also, I would not just be available a few blocks away as I had been previously, and I think she felt a bit abandoned.


I had to explain to her that we were not on any government program; we were not on food stamps, welfare or disability. Rather, we had earned our money, saved that money and had the discipline to purchase our freedom. It took her a little while, but she came around.


My father secretly loved the idea and wished it had been him.

I'd be interested in knowing how others have handled friendships in a "moving" society. How many moves, how many "new" social circles, how many new sets of friends?

When we left our previous lives in California, we began our global adventures. We made outstanding friendships (some with people who were 20+ years older than we were) in Mexico, Thailand and - when we returned from our long distance travels - various locations in the States. Many of those friendships from our early years are no longer possible, because those people have died.


That being said, we have decades-long friendships in these various locations which we keep alive through email, Skype, postcards, presents and of course visits when we are in the same town or city. We have an active global network of fascinating people.

Akaisha

 

[FinanceDude]

I am not worried. Most of my friends I found by vounteering. They are service minded as I am, so when I retire I will be able to do more for the community and I will see them as much or more. The only difference is any of them will still be working..........

 

[pb4uski]

I telecommuted and worked part-time the last few years so all my co-workers were ~300 miles away and live a very different life. I still keep in touch with a handful of them and in fact while traveling last week called one of my old bosses on the spur of the moment and DW and I visited him at his house and took him out to dinner. I sensed no jealously from any of my co-workers, more of a good for you and wondering how I had done it.

Family relationships have been totally unaffected which is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think in part based on a sense that we had been FI for a ling time given that I worked hard, made good money and we lived modestly.

I do find it hard to find people my age to hang with and have gravitated to golf with other retirees who are 5-10 years over than me.

 

[Lisa99]

Friends...what friends? Acquaintances yes; work buds, of course. But really close friends, nope.

DH has traveled almost 100% for years, for several decades I worked 70 - 80 hour weeks. We don't go to church and the town that we currently live in is ultra-religious and if you don't have young children forget about getting to know them. So neither one of us has close friends. Sounds cheesy, but DH and I are each others best friends.

We hope to change all that (except the best friends part) when we retire. We're intentionally picking a place that is skewed demographically to closer to our age with kids long gone so we hope to find lots of people to connect with.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Wow, Lisa. That is a lot of sacrifice. I'm glad you and DH are so close--it'd be hard on my DH if I didn't have some other folks to lean on every now and again.
We've never lacked for friends, but we are much much lazier than y'all!
I really hope that you enjoy your retirement in the new place--you've surely earned it.

 

[MBAustin]

Like several others, I've been a bit surprised/disappointed in the lack of contact with former colleagues, many of whom I had w*rked with for 10 years or more. On the other hand, I've been pleasantly surprised that my friends here (mostly from church) have been generally fine with it. They were happy for me at the start and continue to be supportive, even those who are a few years older than me but still w*rking for financial reasons. My mother has been very supportive (but she thinks I volunteer too much!) but I think my sister is jealous, though she hides it pretty well.

 

[Lisa99]

Wow, Lisa. That is a lot of sacrifice. I'm glad you and DH are so close--it'd be hard on my DH if I didn't have some other folks to lean on every now and again.
We've never lacked for friends, but we are much much lazier than y'all!
I really hope that you enjoy your retirement in the new place--you've surely earned it.

Thanks Sarah! Over the years we've gotten used to how we live so it will be interesting to see how we adjust once we move. DH is very social so he's going to be grinning ear to ear on the day we call it quits...me, I'm a bit of a loner so I may have to schedule "me" time amongst the days of fun and frolic.