Asking about ethnicity?

[Amethyst]

I actually did this once. I hadn't seen the woman in a while; the last time I saw her, she was slender; the only part sticking out was her stomach, so....Nope, she had gained weight and was unhappy about it. So I keep my pregnancy assumptions to myself!

Another time, I complimented a formerly very heavy woman on her weight loss, only to have her inform me she had terminal cancer. In my defense, she was wearing pretty new clothes, and a tight belt that emphasized her newly-slim waist. Anybody would have assumed she was proud of her new figure. That's why that word is spelled "ASS U ME...."

As for “pregnant” women who could be fat, the best advice I got is to never ask a woman if they are pregnant and act surprised when they are holding a baby saying “I never knew”. I’m not sure what being pregnant has to do with asking where someone is from but the reason you don’t ask people if they are pregnant is because if they are not - they are so fat you thought they were.
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[kcowan]

Where are from? Talk to a citizen of New Mexico and you will get some interesting stories.

https://www.newmexico.org/nmmagazine/heart-of-nm/one-of-our-50-is-missing/

We were surprised to see that the license plates say "New Mexico USA" so it must be a common problem.

I remember when Japanese goods were derided and they had a small town called USA and they would label goods as "Made in USA"!

 

[Nemo2]

I remember when Japanese goods were derided and they had a small town called USA and they would label goods as "Made in USA"!

I remember that too.

 

[braumeister]

I wonder if the people who think New Mexico is not in the USA also think Baja California is?

 

[Gumby]

I wonder if the people who think New Mexico is not in the USA also think Baja California is?

They're the same ones who think Tbilisi is a suburb of Atlanta.

 

[Dtail]

They're the same ones who think Tbilisi is a suburb of Atlanta.

Though that was an investment.

 

[gerntz]

We were surprised to see that the license plates say "New Mexico USA" so it must be a common problem.

They're just ahead of the curve on the new USMCA agreement.

 

[kcowan]

I wonder if the people who think New Mexico is not in the USA also think Baja California is?

Based on the prices for real estate in BC, they seem to consider it different than the rest!

 

[dirtbiker]

When we're traveling, even locally, we often encounter other travelers, or just people working in the local area. Sometimes they'll have a unique accent and I'll say "I love your accent, where are you from?". I just did this last weekend when a guy from Sweden was visiting a local winery. He was happy to tell me where he was from and we briefly discussed his travels.

We also had a waitress at one of the restaurants we visited, beautiful lady with dark skin. I couldn't tell if she was from India, Latino, Black, Native American, or maybe somewhere else. I was fascinated and curious how she ended up in that little town, but couldn't think of a tactful way to ask her. I couldn't really say "where are you from" as she probably spent her whole life in the little town we were visiting, just based on her perfect English with no accent.

I'm not a very social person by nature, and am like a fish out of water in these situations. I don't know what is appropriate and what should be left unsaid. Asking "are you black" or "are you Mexican" seems wrong, especially if I guess wrong. I've asked people what their heritage was in the past, but that felt stupid and was people I had already met before. I'm curious by nature, but maybe it's none of my business.

Is there a good way to ask these things, or is it wrong to ask at all?

I didn't read all of the replies, but I'm surprised how many here consider asking about one's background (ancestry, ethnicity, accent, etc.) to be rude or inconsiderate. Personally, I think if we make asking about someone's ethnicity, accent, etc. a bad thing, it promotes shame about one's ancestry. Why would we want to do that? Even if there have been atrocious acts against a particular group, why should a person carry that forward in shame? They should be proud of who they are and where they came from. Being overly sensitive in this case sends the wrong message in my opinion.

I've asked many times and will continue in the future. I've also been asked, and never took any offense to it (usually when traveling to other countries, but not always). Why would I? If they have an accent, it's easy. Oh, that's a lovely accent, where is it from? Just make sure not to do a creepy compliment. lol. As far as asking about ancestry, I will volunteer mine first and then ask if it's okay to ask. I'll say something like, I'm a mutt. My ancestry is Irish, German, and Native American as far as I know. Do you mind if I ask about yours? I've never had any negative interactions this way, and nobody who refused to tell me. And if they did, that's 100% their right, and I wouldn't push any further.

Rather than making skin color, facial features, accents, etc. a barrier to communication, why not be open about it and discuss it? If someone doesn't want to talk about it, they'll let you know.

They're the same ones who think Tbilisi is a suburb of Atlanta.

Funny you mention this, my wife and I have recently been thinking of traveling here. Should be a short flight from JFK to ATL. But seriously, have you been to Tbilisi?

 

[jazz4cash]

I think asking about ethnicity is ok but very very risky. Some folks can pull it off and others cannot. The phrasing used in the OP was very awkward IMO.

 

[Oz investor]

I actually did this once. I hadn't seen the woman in a while; the last time I saw her, she was slender; the only part sticking out was her stomach, so....Nope, she had gained weight and was unhappy about it. So I keep my pregnancy assumptions to myself!

Another time, I complimented a formerly very heavy woman on her weight loss, only to have her inform me she had terminal cancer. In my defense, she was wearing pretty new clothes, and a tight belt that emphasized her newly-slim waist. Anybody would have assumed she was proud of her new figure. That's why that word is spelled "ASS U ME...."

nice to see someone else can put both feet in their mouth as well

just when i wondering if i was unique

but i am learning , better to be seen as a grumpy non-communicative old codger than the other 3000 nasty labels you can be tagged with now

( and goodness help you if you give a precise opinion on something )

the truth is acid in a sugar-coated world

 

[nancyfrank232]

We also had a waitress at one of the restaurants we visited, beautiful lady with dark skin. I couldn't tell if she was from India, Latino, Black, Native American, or maybe somewhere else. I was fascinated and curious how she ended up in that little town, but couldn't think of a tactful way to ask her.

Is there a good way to ask these things, or is it wrong to ask at all?

Were you born and raised here?

How did you decide to come here?

How would their ethnicity be important here?

 

[joeea]

I remember when Japanese goods were derided and they had a small town called USA and they would label goods as "Made in USA"!

You remember that?

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/made-in-usa/

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

 

[joeea]

I remember that too.

 

[Nemo2]

Well...I was three years old at the end of WWII, so I may have misinterpreted what I overheard.

 

[ERD50]

I hope the multi-quoting worked here, I had been meaning to reply...

Originally Posted by joeea View Post
"Are you black?"
"Are you Mexican?"

You think everyone wants that?
You think that shows appreciation?

Originally Posted by ERD50 View Post
I know people who are proud of, and interested in talking about their Mexican or African heritage. You make it sound like it is something to be ashamed of? I don't understand. ....


Although I'd agree with most here, I just don't see it as socially acceptable to ask a stranger about their ethnic/racial background just based on their looks, and I wouldn't do it.

Okay, you don't understand but you wouldn't do it anyway.

Right, I wouldn't do it, but for reasons other than what your post seemed to convey, so I don't understand your reasons. That's logical, right? For me, it isn't about thinking they wouldn't like it, or that it doesn't show appreciation (for/of what?). It's just that it seems out of place. Why the heck would I just start asking someone about their background, unless I had a good reason, it would be weird? So I won't.

Would you go up to a stranger and ask "do you own a pick up truck?, or "who's your favorite baseball team?", or " what color underwear do you prefer?". It's just weird. But no one would be ashamed of any of those things, it's just a weird/random thing to discuss with a stranger.

But an accent does seem different, at least to most here. That just sort of opens up a conversation, and I think most people would mean it in a very friendly positive way (they aren't sneering and looking threatening and saying "you ain't from 'round here, is ya?"). And if you keep it open ended, and the person didn't want to talk about their accent, they can deflect w/o it being awkward. Just like if someone was looking around looking kind of lost. You might offer to help them. An accent just sort of sends out a signal? Another example - someone is dressed in all sorts of gear representing a sports team - that's an outward sign that you might strike up a conversation with them about that team.

But being Hispanic looking or black? No one could assume much of anything about their background, their family may have US citizenship going back further than my family, so why would I ask? It just makes no sense, has nothing to do with "wanting it" or "appreciation". So yep, I don't understand your comment, but I still would not do it.


And this is the post that reminded me I wanted to respond:

I didn't read all of the replies, but I'm surprised how many here consider asking about one's background (ancestry, ethnicity, accent, etc.) to be rude or inconsiderate. Personally, I think if we make asking about someone's ethnicity, accent, etc. a bad thing, it promotes shame about one's ancestry. Why would we want to do that? Even if there have been atrocious acts against a particular group, why should a person carry that forward in shame? They should be proud of who they are and where they came from. Being overly sensitive in this case sends the wrong message in my opinion.
....

Rather than making skin color, facial features, accents, etc. a barrier to communication, why not be open about it and discuss it? If someone doesn't want to talk about it, they'll let you know. ...

+1

-ERD50

 

[Amethyst]

I guess I see things slightly differently. The older I got, the more I came to realize that we cannot know what's going on with others unless we know them. And the number of "things" that could be "going on" is simply infinite! From my perspective, people aren't actually "more sensitive" these days. They are just more inclined to feel the right to own their sensitivities, instead of pretending everything's fine.

So that's why anodyne small talk was invented - to provide neutral topics (e.g. weather) with strangers and new acquaintances, just until you sense it's safe to get slightly more personal (and give the other a chance to share something interesting about themselves).

nice to see someone else can put both feet in their mouth as well

just when i wondering if i was unique

but i am learning , better to be seen as a grumpy non-communicative old codger than the other 3000 nasty labels you can be tagged with now

( and goodness help you if you give a precise opinion on something )

the truth is acid in a sugar-coated world

 

[Sunset]

I'm white, and my comments in this thread were based on what I have learned from close non-white friends here in the US, telling me about their experiences. I fully accept that their experiences won't be the same as for all non-whites. However, what I learned from them was so different from my experience, and so jarring, that I couldn't ignore it. With both of these friends, I pushed back considerably, not wanting to believe what they were telling me. However, when I finally witnessed just a little of the discrimination they were experiencing, in person, I had to acknowledge that they were telling me the truth.

I didn't think much about any of this until I began making close friendships with non-whites. ... In other words, real friends - the kind of relationships in which everything is shared in an unfiltered fashion.

+++
Yes, whites don't understand how it can be really offensive to someone born in this country to be asked "where are you from" Answer: USA, Then asked "No what country did you come from" Answer: born in USA.
Just like the video posted earlier, they sometimes even continue, trying to trace back the difference.

These people who ask have never had parents locked in a concentration camps (also called interment camps in USA), or had great grandparents enslaved. Maybe if they did, they would understand how being identified as racially/religiously different is the first step to stripping away rights.

These same people never ask me while I stand there, because I don't look or sound foreign. This shows their ignorance as I was the alien.

 

[nancyfrank232]

I think asking about ethnicity is ok but very very risky. Some folks can pull it off and others cannot. The phrasing used in the OP was very awkward IMO.

I like asking people about how they make decisions, so I’m honestly curious why someone would want to know another persons ethnicity?

 

[jollystomper]

DW and I are minorities of mixed background. For us the question all depends on the context. If we meet someone who has engaged us on other, generic topics first, in a friendly way (even if we disagree), asking where we are from, with a friendly, non-condescending manner, is fine. So "where are you from" in that context is fine.

On the other hand, we have have folks ask in the context of being condescending and/or stereotypical, and that is annoying. Even when it comes to taste in things. "Are you <fill in some ethnicity>..." IMHO is somewhat presumptuous. Even "I love your accent..." can feel condescending or stereotypical.

DW is fluent in many languages, including Mandarin. She has had, when folks hear her speak, make the comment "I thought you were <blank>, but you can speak Chinese!" As if there are no <blank> people who speak Chinese.

So, from my point of view I would just say, focus on getting to know the person as a person first, without presumption. If that comes across, asking a simple "Where are you from...", without assumption, is fine. That is the way I treat people different from me.

 

[joeea]

For me, it isn't about thinking they wouldn't like it, or that it doesn't show appreciation (for/of what?).

Got it. You don't care if they wouldn't like it.

" what color underwear do you prefer?". It's just weird.

Yeah, it might be wise to avoid that one too.

But no one would be ashamed of any of those things, it's just a weird/random thing to discuss with a stranger.

That would be a bit more than just weird.

 

[kcowan]

You remember that?

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/made-in-usa/

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

Thanks for helping to eradicate my ignorance!

Northern Mariana Islands from now on...

 

[Major Tom]

Got it. You don't care if they wouldn't like it.

No, he didn't say that he wouldn't care if they didn't like it. He said that wasn't the main reason he wouldn't ask that question of a person.

It really helps to extend yourself, and make an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from, even if you don't share their point of view. In fact, thinking about it, it's especially important if you don't share their point of view.

 

[Gumby]

Thanks for helping to eradicate my ignorance!

Northern Mariana Islands from now on...

Since the Northern Mariana Islands is a U.S. Commonwealth, the same as Puerto Rico, it doesn't seem like a scam to mark their products as made in the USA.

 

[brewer12345]

So, from my point of view I would just say, focus on getting to know the person as a person first, without presumption. If that comes across, asking a simple "Where are you from...", without assumption, is fine. That is the way I treat people different from me.

Agree. I tend to be pretty much colorblind. A jerk is a jerk regardless of gender, color, origin, etc. Where this gets you into trouble these days is that everyone seems to think it is vitally important that you acknowledge that people are different colors, speak different languages, come from different places, eat different foods, pray to different gods. Mostly, I could care less so long as you are not an *******. This tends to get me in trouble for some reason.