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Old 07-11-2019, 11:21 AM   #21
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Ok I think we've beaten the "marriage > divorce" horse to death in this thread. Again.

Does anyone have any other experiences that might have changed their plans and created disruption to their ER?
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:44 AM   #22
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I've never been divorced or had to pay alimony because I never married in the first place. But reading this thread should teach any man reading it: never get married.
After 17 years of marriage and three kids we had a very friendly divorce. We both walked away with our own retirement savings intact, and that was 21 yrs ago. Granted we were both professionally employed, which may not be the case for everyone facing divorce - neither of us were out to destroy the other -
we still had kids to raise and get through college. I retired 13 days ago at 58 and feel lucky that there were no major setbacks.
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Old 07-11-2019, 01:40 PM   #23
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Ok I think we've beaten the "marriage > divorce" horse to death in this thread. Again.

Does anyone have any other experiences that might have changed their plans and created disruption to their ER?
Just in my immediate circle, I have one person who lost everything being over-leveraged on investment RE, and one who was too late to the Dubai boom & bust. They both made it. Their experiences showed me that divorce is not the only way to get hit and that even a 100% loss and ruined credit does not necessarily spell doom.

I too was hoping to hear a more diverse set of stories about loss and adjustment/recovery, but maybe the emotional impact makes us more likely to speak up. Otherwise, it looks like diversification and adjustment are the lessons.

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The dotcom bust... Index funds over individual stocks.
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Not on the scale of the previous stories, but recently we've had five-figure vet bills...
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:34 PM   #24
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Divorced about 15 years ago. It wasn’t exactly 50/50. More like 60/40 with me on the short end. I kept my entire 401k but got little else. I’ve always LBYM but really buckled down after the divorce; I own a modest house outright now, put 2 more kids through college alone and paid for a wedding and a second wedding coming up next spring in Ireland. I help #3 kid with med school living expenses. Not to mention paying hefty child support for 9 years even though my daughter split her time between us and 4 of the years was away at college. I’m married to the love of my life now and couldn’t be happier! On track for retirement. What did I learn? I guess I could’ve been less generous and retired way early. Family is everything to me and seeing and helping my 3 kids get a good start is important and they are great young independent adults. Well almost except for med student who’s in year 4 now. The ex - He’s broke, miserable. Oh well.
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Old 07-11-2019, 07:02 PM   #25
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My 28 year old son decides to go an expensive, private, graduate school. Knowing he'd be in debt, we decided to pitch in & increased our yearly ER budget by $25k per year for two years. I.e, we went well above the preset FIRECalc spending limit. One of those two years, market went down a bit and I had a bit of angst. In the end (after he graduated), it wasn't much of a disruption.
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Old 07-11-2019, 07:28 PM   #26
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In my case it was $2500 which was a fraction of the settlement.

As far as taking it seriously early on, I would challenge anyone to say what could predict a divorce is in your future. I married the love of my life, my soulmate and all that. She changed, was diagnosed with clinical depression. Was put on meds, decided she wanted other men in her life and the rest is history. I am sure if I took it more seriously I would have foreseen that 12 years earlier.

i look at it as more of a partnership , a matching in flaws and strengths , teaming up with a perfect ( female ) double is likely to drive the world nuts , and a complete opposite probasbly just as problematic ,

but yes people change but my current life expectancy is less than 10 years , so maybe that change will happen after it matters to me .

from watching some friends dscline into depression , maybe you could have reduced the slide and maybe not , there are some triggers not even the medicos spot in time , some obscure illness , undisclosed pain or stress .

so yes an unhappy split is always possible ( but some can be forseen by observers , right from day one )
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Old 07-11-2019, 08:05 PM   #27
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i look at it as more of a partnership , a matching in flaws and strengths , teaming up with a perfect ( female ) double is likely to drive the world nuts , and a complete opposite probasbly just as problematic ,

but yes people change but my current life expectancy is less than 10 years , so maybe that change will happen after it matters to me .

from watching some friends dscline into depression , maybe you could have reduced the slide and maybe not , there are some triggers not even the medicos spot in time , some obscure illness , undisclosed pain or stress .

so yes an unhappy split is always possible ( but some can be forseen by observers , right from day one )
Tell me the clues to watch out for, I am curious as I am sure many of us on here are as well.
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Old 07-11-2019, 08:36 PM   #28
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one lady was first encountered with a packet of meds in her hand , after some conversation , she says she is on a disability pension for ' nerves ' so a discrete look at at packet ( and dosage ) i realized she was on some serious stuff , but also the medication was struggling to cope with the task , now sure she had an IQ of more than 140 , but she also had serious issues ( she eventually married an almost complete opposite and a highly problematic that partnership was within 5 years )

that is not to say you should avoid all such people ( i have several friends with the same issues ) but you do have to work out the core personality ,

a different lady had pressures on her from a family business that i knew i couldn't be the correct support for , so had to drift away and hope the next partner would be more help than distraction ,

but you have to realisric about yourself first and then see if the potential partnersgip has a chance
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Old 07-11-2019, 08:56 PM   #29
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one lady was first encountered with a packet of meds in her hand , after some conversation , she says she is on a disability pension for ' nerves ' so a discrete look at at packet ( and dosage ) i realized she was on some serious stuff , but also the medication was struggling to cope with the task , now sure she had an IQ of more than 140 , but she also had serious issues ( she eventually married an almost complete opposite and a highly problematic that partnership was within 5 years )

that is not to say you should avoid all such people ( i have several friends with the same issues ) but you do have to work out the core personality ,

a different lady had pressures on her from a family business that i knew i couldn't be the correct support for , so had to drift away and hope the next partner would be more help than distraction ,

but you have to realisric about yourself first and then see if the potential partnersgip has a chance
LOL. If life were so easy.
The woman I married was what anyone would call the perfect mate. She didn’t show up with meds or “baggage”. She was normal, but then she changed. Everyone including her family was shocked.
I think you are being completely naive to think you can predict a divorce.
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:05 PM   #30
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'07 recession tested us. I know everyone says '08 but it started earlier for us. We are residential new & remodel trade work.

I had a Superintendent that I had groomed to take over. He was ready. But i had not pulled the trigger yet on selling him the company. In Jan '07 we notice starts are falling off a cliff. No better by March/April. By July I have to lay off Superintendent and some crew.

We had bought a vacation home a few years before. By '08-'09 I was arguing to dump the vacation home. Mrs Scrapr is arguing to keep it as she knew it was unlikely we would get the timing right to get back in. She was right about that.

I cut our salary 3 or 4 times as we lost 70% of our revenue. Most of our crew was laid off. I wasn't sure if we had a viable business. Somehow Mrs Scrapr made it work. We were truly tested.We came together and she kept my spirits up. We were 100% stock or very nearly in our portfolio. Yeah, 2000-01 didn't teach me anything. I let it ride the up elevator until late '14 then rebalanced to a better AA.

We came together as a family then and came out the other side whole
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:16 PM   #31
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i tend to be very judgemental but i don't use the standard score book ,

so what would be terrible for you might be acceptable to me ( and vice-versa )

very pretty brings it's problems as does a very plain person ( they are often easily charmed ) ,

i freely joke , i consider all potential partnerships ( business or romantic ) very seriously , sometimes i have been lucky and sometimes the lady has avoided a rocky road .

there is always the potential for a bad outcome but if you can avoid some of them you must improve your chances of a good one

BTW , i discovered hobbies ( at least until my health declined ) so i managed to avoid the 'loneliness ' factor .

but from my observations divorce is NOT the worst that can happen ( even costly ones )

some issues like financial pressures can sometimes be foreseen , others cannot
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:26 PM   #32
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'07 recession tested us. I know everyone says '08 but it started earlier for us. We are residential new & remodel trade work.

I had a Superintendent that I had groomed to take over. He was ready. But i had not pulled the trigger yet on selling him the company. In Jan '07 we notice starts are falling off a cliff. No better by March/April. By July I have to lay off Superintendent and some crew.

We had bought a vacation home a few years before. By '08-'09 I was arguing to dump the vacation home. Mrs Scrapr is arguing to keep it as she knew it was unlikely we would get the timing right to get back in. She was right about that.

I cut our salary 3 or 4 times as we lost 70% of our revenue. Most of our crew was laid off. I wasn't sure if we had a viable business. Somehow Mrs Scrapr made it work. We were truly tested.We came together and she kept my spirits up. We were 100% stock or very nearly in our portfolio. Yeah, 2000-01 didn't teach me anything. I let it ride the up elevator until late '14 then rebalanced to a better AA.

We came together as a family then and came out the other side whole

indeed financial upheaval can be a big problem , and there are many pressures to keep the majority in substancial debt , and even those with a buffer can be stressed .

some families bond stronger and some break apart
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:33 AM   #33
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Ok I think we've beaten the "marriage > divorce" horse to death in this thread. Again.

Does anyone have any other experiences that might have changed their plans and created disruption to their ER?


Yes. When I was 45, the Megacorp I had worked at for 20 years decided to relocate to an area DH & I were not interested in moving to. I had originally planned on ER from Megacorp at age 50 with a nice pension and retiree healthcare.

I chose instead to find another job before Megacorp moved and convinced my new employer to wait for me to wrap up Megacorp business so I could receive a huge bonus, about 1 year’s pay. I invested this in the market, left Megacorp on a Friday and started my new job the following Monday. I originally hoped to still ER at 51, but between the hit our portfolio took in 2008 and some expensive real estate mistakes DH and I made, we deferred our plans and ER’d 5 years later. Will still get a Megacorp pension, but not as much as originally planned and no retiree healthcare. But, by LBYM and saving/investing like crazy for 5 extra years, we were still able to RE fairly young and are very comfortable financially.

A setback to be sure, and we could be a lot wealthier if I had stayed at Megacorp and retired from there. But there is no telling what kind of stress might have ensued in the meantime, and even if I would have made it to 50 there. Many of the highly compensated people who relocated ended up being terminated a year or two later. DH and I are happy with our lives and grateful that we could RE when we did, albeit 5 years later than planned.
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:51 AM   #34
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My next would be (minor) disruption ... I am eyeing to buy a new car. I'd better do it before DS decides to go for a doctor's degree

Divorce? That's more like a reset.
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:57 PM   #35
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Didn't happen to me but one friend who was shooting for ER around 50 had a couple of businesses he worked for self-destruct:

1. owner had substance abuse problem...stole payroll taxes, health insurance premiums to fund their habit.

2. owner suddenly disappeared along with all the company's bank account(s).

In the "you can't make this stuff up" category since it turned out the owner had literally run off with a stripper he met in Vegas. I guess middle-age guys really do go off the deep end sometimes.
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:21 PM   #36
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Serious Illness is a Major Fire Disruption

My husband became seriously ill overnight in 2005 and went from a go-getter at work to living on the couch. Doctors didn't think he was going to make it and many were surprised at his recovery. We eventually discovered he had Lyme disease which the doctors had initially misdiagnosed as an autoimmune condition.

The recovery did not come cheap as insurance pays very little to cover Lyme treatment. Luckily he had a good Long Term Disability policy as he was out of work for over two years. He eventually crawled back to work (still makes me cry to think of his determination to go back when he still wasn't healthy yet) but not in upper management as it was necessary to keep his stress level down.

I was working part-time when he first became sick and switched to full time as we were afraid that he was going to die and would lose his health coverage. I suppose the silver lining is that I earned a small pension in my full time job that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:18 PM   #37
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Ok I think we've beaten the "marriage > divorce" horse to death in this thread. Again.

Does anyone have any other experiences that might have changed their plans and created disruption to their ER?
Minor one. Lost a house plus contents in Katrina (12 years into ER) , no flood insurance, moved 1000 miles inland (on a hill), three household death's within six months (Mom, significant other and a friend of 30 years). After the funerals took a while to mentally recover. Survived financially with cutbacks.

heh heh heh - took early SS, quit smoking and actually got married at age 70, 9 years later. Life sometimes makes you an other you can't refuse.
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