Help. How to handle this situation from my daughter?

[frances]

I had a credit card in college

and I had "friends" that, when they found out, tried to get me to use the card for anything and everything.
It didn't work on me.
I knew better than to do that and told my friends that my parents would literally beat my butt if I spent money unnecessarily.
I'm sorry daughter got caught up in peer pressure, but my recommendation would be to pose this question to her:
If everyone else was jumping off the roof of a building would you?
That's how we handled our sons when they came home with "such and such is doing <fill in the blank>" and it was completely absurd.

 

[gayl]

My teenaged daughter recently had a birthday. As a "treat", she was told to take her friends out to a movie, lunch and to get them "return gifts" afterward ..... Please help.

is that like the grab bag gift for little kids (assorted candy & plastic toys from Dollar Store)?

At this point you're stuck. You cannot get the money back. Chalk it up to a lesson learned -- she's too young to carry around access to that card.

 

[Northforker]

Did you actually set a budget for her? If not, how was this, in your words, "NOT being on a budget"? Sounds like she's a good kid, but not a mind-reader. Had you actually given her a limit, maybe she could have been more assertive with her friends. I would cut her a lot of slack this time, and hope you both learned something.

THIS^^^^^^

This is all on you dad. If your daughter had been given solid parameters and violated them it would be on her. She wasnt, you assumed a teenager had adult financial savvy, they don't

 

[Buckeye]

My teenaged daughter recently had a birthday. As a "treat", she was told to take her friends out to a movie, lunch and to get them "return gifts" afterward. I dropped her off at a local mall. Four hours later, I got a text alert from my bank for a total of $450. Lunch & movie for two friends and herself was around $100. The remaining $350 were "RETURN GIFTS", at $175 each. The girls all entered a high end clothing and make-up store and went on a shopping spree on my dime.

When I called her in utter panic, she says they wanted to pick their own return gifts and ran into the high end stores, picking up everything they wanted. My daughter did not think it was "bad", until I sat her down and gave her a stern lecture about how there's this thing called a "budget" and that $350 for return gifts was NOT being on a "budget". She says that she'll pay me back once she gets a job (she's hunting for a part-time job now). My point is not "pay back", but setting firm boundaries with other people - including family & friends - where money is concerned.

I really have NO idea how to handle this. She's been an authorized user on my card for 4 years now and I've never had this issue before. She's always been a responsible kid, only using the card to occasionally buy lunch and text books for her courses. She's also ALWAYS checked in with me with prices so this is really startling, on top of the fact that she was not assertive enough to speak up and SAY NO, insisting the "return gifts" not be more than what they each gave her --$25 or max $30.

How do I handle this? She's very quiet, not very social and has no other friends. I'm worried if I let this go now, these girls will start taking advantage of her every time they "hang out", especially now that they know that she has a credit card. I understand I can "revoke" her as an authorized user from my card but then she will not learn boundaries, budgeting on spending on friends etc.

Please help.

Set up a TrueLink account. You can control at what type of establishments the card is used and you can deposit a set amount into the account.

 

[Retired Expat]

I think you'd actually be doing her a favor if you "revoked" the card for a few months. A bit of protection from her "friends." A three month hiatus is not going to destroy her ability to learn boundaries, and in fact would give her some "ammo" so far as setting boundaries.

The question is? Will she learn a lesson about others taking advantage of her and what real friends are. A real friend would have been concerned about her spending too much and getting in trouble. All fine and good about her not making friends easily but a friend you buy is not really a friend..

I think there is a deeper more important message to be learned here….

 

[pdxgal]

It's more sad that her friends might have manipulated her, and I'd be more focused on that - identifying good friends vs. good money is a better life lesson.

*1. One of the best life lessons my folks gave me was it’s ok —and often a good thing— to not feel pressured to do something just because everyone else is doing it. I was also introverted and not very socially adept as a teen. My dad said it was perfectly ok to not have a boyfriend, be popular, etc. He also said that for many of the “popular” kids, high school is their high point. Don’t know how true that is, but it was very encouraging and comforting to hear as a teen. Probably more so now with social media, which can be such a pressure cooker. So I’d also focus more on the social pressure that’s at the heart of this, rather than the money.

 

[Amethyst]

I cannot add to the excellent advice already given.

Although I have lived in two countries and several states, and have had plenty of contact with teenagers, I had literally never heard of a "return gift," and neither had a former teen of my acquaintance. So we looked it up.

It's a party favor! These are never expensive, unless you're talking a high-end wedding, or belong to certain cultures, with certain traditions, which are not typical across the U.S.

The only other return gifts I can think of, are when foreign guests visit the U.S. government. The protocol department, using State Department guidelines, carefully calibrates the value of the gift to the guest's rank in their own country. My protocol section had a cabinet full of previously purchased gifts, challenge coins, and similar [-]trash[/-] mementoes.

So there, I've scratched my pendantic urges for the day

 

[athena53]

I might be tempted to bring the girls in and explain how they not only took advantage of your daughter but they took advantage of you, and you are pissed that they would do such a thing! Let them know what they did and how wrong it was.

I agree with those who say the friends and their parents shouldn't be dragged into it at this point, but it did make me wonder: if your daughter came home with $175 worth of stuff from an expensive store and you weren't sure how she paid for it wouldn't you ask questions? I would.

 

[MarieIG]

The question is? Will she learn a lesson about others taking advantage of her and what real friends are. A real friend would have been concerned about her spending too much and getting in trouble. All fine and good about her not making friends easily but a friend you buy is not really a friend..

I think there is a deeper more important message to be learned here….

There was no indication that these girls were "real" friends. Right now it's up to OP to explain that to her daughter. The suggestion to temporarily revoke the card was to protect the daughter from bullying/ pressure from them while giving her time to absorb some life lessons.

 

[MarieIG]

I cannot add to the excellent advice already given.

Although I have lived in two countries and several states, and have had plenty of contact with teenagers, I had literally never heard of a "return gift," and neither had a former teen of my acquaintance. So we looked it up.

It's a party favor! These are never expensive, unless you're talking a high-end wedding, or belong to certain cultures, with certain traditions, which are not typical across the U.S.

The only other return gifts I can think of, are when foreign guests visit the U.S. government. The protocol department, using State Department guidelines, carefully calibrates the value of the gift to the guest's rank in their own country. My protocol section had a cabinet full of previously purchased gifts, challenge coins, and similar [-]trash[/-] mementoes.

So there, I've scratched my pendantic urges for the day

...

I had never heard of a return gift either. A party favor, yes! Thank you for the explanation.

 

[Badger]

It sounds like her two "friends" are like Eddie Haskell. Because your daughter appears to have been careful with her spending before this I would suspect there was peer pressure on your "very quiet and not very social" daughter to try and keep her limited number of friends that kept her from speaking up. You have already had your talk so now could be the time to revoke the CC and replace with a Debit Card with limited budget until she qualifies for a card in her name only. Sometimes it helps if she can use her parents as the heavy.

Cheers!

 

[Act2]

Unless ‘return gifts’ were already a ‘thing’ in OP’s family, it might not be fair to expect DD to have any idea that Dad thought it should have been a party favor level trinket.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I am one of the many here who have never heard the term “return gift”. Since when does someone celebrating a birthday treat their friends to a movie and also fund gifts for friends? Isn’t the birthday person supposed to receive gifts, not give them? And $100 for three people at a movie? How does that happen?

I would take away access to the credit card for a long time. I did not get access to a parent’s credit card until late college and medical school. I used it for clothing, gas in the car to get to the hospitals and to home, and one emergency car repair, and that’s it.

Have her carry a limited debit card, like a gift card, with enough to cover emergencies.

You also could have stopped this debacle by getting a text for every transaction on the card and letting your daughter know that you see every transaction in real time, and have the ability to freeze the card instantly, which you do have if you set it up in advance.

 

[travelover]

I am one of the many here who have never heard the term “return gift”. Since when does someone celebrating a birthday treat their friends to a movie and also fund gifts for friends? Isn’t the birthday person supposed to receive gifts, not give them? ...........

I'm in the same camp. What is next, does everyone attending a wedding get a generous return gift and dinner out?

 

[MarieIG]

It sounds like her two "friends" are like Eddie Haskell. Because your daughter appears to have been careful with her spending before this I would suspect there was peer pressure on your "very quiet and not very social" daughter to try and keep her limited number of friends that kept her from speaking up. You have already had your talk so now could be the time to revoke the CC and replace with a Debit Card with limited budget until she qualifies for a card in her name only. Sometimes it helps if she can use her parents as the heavy.

Cheers!

Exactly

 

[JoeWras]

We're a big world, and we're mixing cultures faster than ever.

Gift giving is big in India, and I think return gifts are part of the culture. I actually cherish a few I got from my colleagues at work. I still marvel at the "elephant inside an elephant" carving, like a ship in a bottle. Like the true cheap American nerd I am, I always failed to give them anything.

Perhaps that is part of the problem here. There could me a misunderstanding of cultural traditions and everyone learned a lesson of sorts.

 

[euro]

I never heard of this kind of thing. It’s her birthday but she buys them gifts? What the heck? Isn’t she the one supposed to receive gifts? What’s a return gift? I would never have allowed it in the first place.

I think before you to agree to things you need to work out the details ahead of time so there’s no misunderstanding.

I suppose, I agree, but I have to admit that I would have been caught flat-footed on this one too as I have never heard of "return gifts". Hard to set parameters for something you don't even know it exists although maybe an overall spending limit might have helped.

 

[braumeister]

We're a big world, and we're mixing cultures faster than ever.
...
There could me a misunderstanding of cultural traditions and everyone learned a lesson of sorts.

Potlatch for a great example.

 

[GenXguy]

I had never heard of return gifts. As far as weddings, the married couple would only give gifts to the wedding party, not to everyone who gives them a gift.

 

[Amethyst]

Easy! I just went to the movies last night. A large (not as large as I remembered, either) popcorn and large (refillable) drink were $22 with tax! That's $66 right there, before tickets. I of course got the old-people discount, but the cost for an evening show for over-12s was $18.00.

And $100 for three people at a movie? How does that happen?

 

[JoeWras]

Potlatch for a great example.

That was a fascinating read. Thanks!

 

[frances]

One last thought

and this may have been mentioned already -
the moms of the other girls involved should be approached and informed of this event.
NOT to ask for any reimbursements, but just so that the moms are made aware of what happened so that they may be more aware of behaviors and the peer pressure that occurred in this situation.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

How do I handle this? She's very quiet, not very social and has no other friends.

A lot of the advice in this thread includes ways to alienate the few friends she has. It sounds like she is a shy kid who wanted to use the return gifts to make the friends she does have happy and like her more. That is a pretty normal thing to do. I think focusing on helping the daughter improve her social skills would really be much more important than overspending a few hundred dollars at the mall.

Safire, we had a shy kid, too, and, I found some books on the subject really helpful. I know one of the better ones was The Shyness Breakthrough: A No-Stress Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun. The tips really worked for us. That kid is an adult now, no longer shy and actually has had jobs and volunteer positions involving public speaking.

 

[Sunset]

What does the term "return gift" mean I've never heard it before. I see now you are saying it was a tit for tat gift. Is that something that has become a thing?

...

We have two daughters who were late 90's HS grad and didn't have much drama but peer pressure, even imagined peer pressure can be tough. We always told them feel free to blame things on us if you need an escape hatch because at HS level this doesn't always come naturally.

++

I've never heard of a return gift for a birthday party, although a token gift bag was common with tiny little pre-teen kids. But for big kids and adults it seems pretty stupid really.

And since peer pressure or relatives pressure can be tough, I told DW to blame on me if she wants to refuse any request or invite.

 

[rodi]

Add me to the group that had to look up return gift.

As for the cultural differences in gift giving... My BFF lived in Verona and worked for a software company... On birthdays the person having the birthday would bring in a cake and Prosecco and treat the office at the morning break. In other words, the birthday girl had to feed everyone else.