How many children?

[Beer-man]

In the childfree (CF) world, there is a term called a "bingo." Bingos are the tired, overused phrases parents throw at those of us CF, especially women. A few of the most common ones are:

(1) You'll regret it later.

(2) What if you change your mind?

(3) You haven't met the right person yet.

(4) It's your duty as a woman.

(5) Who will take care of you when you're old?

(6) You have to give me grandkids.

(7) You're too young to decide.

There are so many of these insulting remarks that there are "bingo cards" full of them. That's why we call them bingos.

I would argue that we CF have put much more thought into our decision to be CF than many parents have. Some of us were raised with younger siblings and had to do childcare for them. We know how damaging it would be financially. We hear parents complain all the time about how tired/poorer/stressed they are, and we have decided we want no part of it, despite all the pressures put on us to have kids. In short, we DO know what we are missing; that's why we opt out.

I’m so sad for you. Kids don’t have to ruin you financially, or kill the romance, or ruin your sleep. I’ve heard a lot of coworkers throw these excuses around as to why they don’t have kids.
I have one friend who flat out told me that he is just too selfish and isn’t responsible enough to have kids. Always respected him for his honesty and willingness to readily admit it.

 

[VanWinkle]

We have 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. 2 were before my vasectomy and 2 came after. I was always happy for all 4 of them and really never thought about the cost (in money) of raising them with my wife. My wife was a SAHM and I thank her every day for the wonderful job she did. BTW make sure you get tested after a vasectomy if you really think you are done having children.

 

[scrabbler1]

I’m so sad for you. Kids don’t have to ruin you financially, or kill the romance, or ruin your sleep. I’ve heard a lot of coworkers throw these excuses around as to why they don’t have kids.
I have one friend who flat out told me that he is just too selfish and isn’t responsible enough to have kids. Always respected him for his honesty and willingness to readily admit it.

Don't be sad for me. I have made the right decision for me, it has been put to the test several times. And it has resulted in my life being SO much better than it would have been had I decided differently.

BTW "You're selfish" is another bingo.

 

[Beer-man]

I wasn’t fully ready for kids when we started having them. I was pressured into it and so glad now in hindsight. I was too selfish at the time
Seeing all the joy and fulfillment my kids have brought to my life and marriage I can’t understand someone not wanting them.

 

[Dash man]

To me, kids are worth every penny you have to spend on them, but there is no need to spend foolishly. I have friends that pay through the nose for ballet lessons, or the “best” schools. Doing all the “right” things for their kids keeps them from saving for their future.
To me, divorce was the big speed bump in financial planning. What a waste of money paying lawyers rather than working things out fairly between us. But she wanted more...didn’t get any more than I offered before lawyers got involved.
I have one son and one stepson. My DW was widowed, so didn’t have more than one. I had one son before the divorce. Met DW at age 42 and we decided not to have more at that age. But we have three beautiful grandkids now and plan to spoil them completely. Fortunately we are in a position to do so.

 

[scrabbler1]

I wasn’t fully ready for kids when we started having them. I was pressured into it and so glad now in hindsight. I was too selfish at the time
Seeing all the joy and fulfillment my kids have brought to my life and marriage I can’t understand someone not wanting them.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." - Oscar Wilde

You were not selfish. Those who were pressuring you were selfish.

Those of us who are CF see few or no upsides to having kids, and any are far outweighed by the downsides. Please acknowledge that there are many people who hold this view and make this life choice, even if you are not among them.

 

[DFDubb]

I wasn’t fully ready for kids when we started having them. I was pressured into it and so glad now in hindsight. I was too selfish at the time
Seeing all the joy and fulfillment my kids have brought to my life and marriage I can’t understand someone not wanting them.

No offense, but you sound like "that guy" that has to tell everyone w/o kids just how great they are. While we're glad for you, you are being insulting by being "sad" for us. We don't need your pity. Every single one of my friends with kids has been "that guy" on the subject before. Many, once they get to a place where they can be honest with themselves, will eventually tell me how jealous they are that we can travel around freely and generally just enjoy adulthood.

We never had kids. I actually like kids and they tend to like me back, but I just never wanted that level of responsibility. I also have some really bad genetic makeup that I don't wish to saddle another innocent generation with. I also feel the planet is terribly overpopulated, etc.....

But please continue to tell us how unfulfilled and empty our lives must be. I will admit that if we were to live a very long life, that it might be difficult at the end. I don't think anyone on my wife's side has even made it to 70 and my prospects don't look much better, so hopefully that won't be an issue for us. Definitely wouldn't be able to retire in our 40's with kids, that much I know.

 

[PatrickA5]

Not quite accurate as I've done both. Was a confirmed bachelor on my own up to the age of 44, wife was 34, both first marriages. First son born two weeks before I turned 47. Second 21 months later. We both had largely lived our careers prior to the boys coming along.

When my organization decided to "right-size", I spend several evenings going over our finances, lifestyle, investments and took them up on an early retirement offer just after my 50th birthday........retired to my new job as a soccer dad, complete with minivan (with some seasonal work along the way). And no longer investing in career issues.

Fast forward 20 or so years, I'm finding it difficult and sad, even though it is liberating, to not be a part of my sons' daily lives, which is as it should be (after all, it was our goal to raise them to be independent and confident adults). Both college boys don't need us on a regular basis anymore. But how I miss those days.

Same here. I retired at 50 and spent the next 8 years hanging out with my son and going to all of his events. I think his going off to college was more difficult than the girls because for the first time in 30 years we had no kids in the house. But, it's on to a new chapter in life. Having grandkids living nearby has helped with the transition.

 

[hausfrau]

I have one daughter. My husband and I tried to have kids for close to seven years before she was born. I had a couple of miscarriages in there too and thought I would never have kids. I'm so glad I got to experience it. I wish I could have had at least one (or two) more, but it wasn't meant to be I guess.


Maybe I have an easy kid, but so far it's hasn't been any trouble at all. The early years were a little difficult because my husband and I were both working full-time plus jobs and it sometimes the logistics of daycare were a little stressful and tricky. Other than that, it's been pretty smooth sailing. Ask me again in a couple of years when she is a teenager, lol.



I'm not sure how it affected ER. We were older parents and ever since we were married, we always saved my income. We aren't big travelers or anything like that, and we already had a house paid for when she was born. I haven't found raising a child to be overly expensive though. When she was born, we put a lump sum into a 529 for college. Right now, that seems to be enough to pay for a state school.

 

[pacergal]

We have two, can't imagine my life without them. It wasn't all roses though. It's expensive-school/sports activities are not free!, tiring, frustrating, but also extremely joyful.
And now with grandkids, way over the top, pure fun!
Having kids is definitely a deeply personal decision.

 

[ncbill]

Both my parents have been much more work/trouble/frustration for me than my kids (love my in-laws, though)

& I don't understand those who say "you must have kids" since my & DW's siblings don't and nobody cares.

 

[athena53]

Don't be sad for me. I have made the right decision for me, it has been put to the test several times. And it has resulted in my life being SO much better than it would have been had I decided differently.

BTW "You're selfish" is another bingo.

Those "bingos" in the previous post were awful!



Having gone through a stage when I didn't want kids, I greatly respect people who decided they didn't want the work and commitment a child entails, for whatever reason, and thus didn't do it. I don't care what the motivation was. There are plenty of children in this world whose "parents" weren't committed to the work it takes to raise a child properly but didn't let that stop them from breeding.


It reminds me a bit of the decision to have pets. I'm animal-friendly but never wanted to have the responsibility of caring for one, arranging for day care when I travel, paying for Kittycat chemotherapy, etc. So I've never had pets!

 

[Beer-man]

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." - Oscar Wilde

You were not selfish. Those who were pressuring you were selfish.

Those of us who are CF see few or no upsides to having kids, and any are far outweighed by the downsides. Please acknowledge that there are many people who hold this view and make this life choice, even if you are not among them.

I just can’t fathom life without my kids or why people wouldn’t want kids. I can understand there being a level of fear and apprehension of the possible downsides or the unknowns associated with having kids.
I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

 

[Aerides]

I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

Can you envision those of us without kids just being happy you're happy, and not passing judgment either way? Not feeling compelled to push you on the "other" side or also respecting that everyone has their reasons - maybe painful ones for some - and just let it go at that?

 

[Gumby]

I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

And this is why we can't have nice things. It is fine to believe that your own choice is the right one. It is fine to explain why you believe that. It is against the Community Rules to make personal attacks against those who disagree.

Edit to add: In case it wasn't crystal clear - Yes, this is a post as one of the moderators.

 

[Teacher Terry]

It’s a individual decision and people know what they want. I have 3 kids and none of them want children. I am fine with that.

 

[DFDubb]

I just can’t fathom life without my kids or why people wouldn’t want kids. I can understand there being a level of fear and apprehension of the possible downsides or the unknowns associated with having kids.
I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

Well there you have it, right on cue.

 

[travelover]

I just can’t fathom life without my kids or why people wouldn’t want kids. I can understand there being a level of fear and apprehension of the possible downsides or the unknowns associated with having kids.
I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

You are very insulting and the latest addition to my ignore list, though I doubt you'll be here long.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I just can’t fathom life without my kids or why people wouldn’t want kids. I can understand there being a level of fear and apprehension of the possible downsides or the unknowns associated with having kids.
I can envision you and your cohort of CF’ers sitting around complaining about how loud my kids are as we slip N-slide in the backyard, telling each other how amazing you all are, and just in generally being crusty old people(grumpy old men) pooled ignorance

This has to be one of the most insulting comments I’ve read on this forum.

 

[Oz investor]

as far as i know , no children ,

some lady ( out there ) has no idea how lucky she has been ( not pairing up with me )

i have had a lot of fun on my life , but it was all solo flying .

probably just as well i would be eternally in conflict with the school boards or home schooling the child(ren ) and society doesn't seem to like individual thinkers

 

[candrew]

as far as i know , no children

I recently heard from a former w*rk colleague, currently age 72 and single his entire life, having learned earlier this year that he has a 50 year-old daughter! And two teenaged grandsons to boot.

So, hang in there Oz.

 

[easysurfer]

No kids of my own but nothing against kids.

As far as I know, I think we all were kids at one time or another .

 

[Oz investor]

I recently heard from a former w*rk colleague, currently age 72 and single his entire life, having learned earlier this year that he has a 50 year-old daughter! And two teenaged grandsons to boot.

So, hang in there Oz.

if i have a son ( hinted at but never declared ) he has my temper this is NOT a good thing ( most of the time ),

a nice person until pushed too far ( even at 2 and half )

but am late for that mid-life crisis ... so you never know

 

[rodi]

I have two kids. I can *totally* fathom how one can have a joyful life without kids. But my boys are teenagers and I am not enjoying the drama that teens bring to everything.

We chose to have kids even if sometimes I have second thoughts, lol. (Did I mention they are teenagers?)

No regrets on our choice overall. But it is each person's choice and there is no correct answer for everyone... I think it's pretty selfish to assume that because kids were a great choice for you that they are a good choice for others.

Oh... And as a parent who had kids later in life (39 and 41 when I delivered the boys)... It is possible to still retire early!

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

We have one kid, and it's definitely allowed us to both save more and splurge more than if we had more. One or two kids may not sound like a big difference in the abstract, but since my two closest friends have two and three kids, I often think "what if I had to pay every [child-related] expense twice, or three times?" The one with three kids is definitely worried more about college than we are, even though they're also a two-income household.