How Your Kids Can Ruin Your Retirement

timo2

timo2

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How Your Kids Can Ruin Your Retirement — and How to Make Sure They Don’t

"Parental help often starts small, covering expenses such as cellphone bills, car payments, groceries, or health insurance. But temporary assistance can quickly turn permanent and pricey, financing rent and down payments, grandchildren’s college educations, and support for offspring going through divorce or battling drug addiction."

https://www.barrons.com/articles/ho...from-your-kids-51553285595?mod=article_inline

[I don't have kids, but I did like the little graphic cartoons with the article]
 
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A fool and his money is soon parted. We have let our kids move in and fed them when they hit hard times. I have one drug addicted son and I have found him drug treatment programs he qualified for. People need to be realistic.
 
Teacher Terry said:
A fool and his money is soon parted. We have let our kids move in and fed them when they hit hard times. I have one drug addicted son and I have found him drug treatment programs he qualified for. People need to be realistic.
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whoa i am there. Tell me more teacher Terry
 
We took him in many times, helped him get a new start, get into programs, etc. At 41 he is homeless and living on the street. 4 years ago he was doing better, had a job, apartment, we were all supportive and helpful and it all fell apart like usual.
 
Teacher Terry said:
We took him in many times, helped him get a new start, get into programs, etc. At 41 he is homeless and living on the street. 4 years ago he was doing better, had a job, apartment, we were all supportive and helpful and it all fell apart like usual.
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Wow, sorry to hear about your son. We have close relatives who greatly struggle with a son. The son passed away due to long term health issues made unmanageable by mental illness. So, so, so hard...
 
Teacher Terry said:
We took him in many times, helped him get a new start, get into programs, etc. At 41 he is homeless and living on the street. 4 years ago he was doing better, had a job, apartment, we were all supportive and helpful and it all fell apart like usual.
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I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking when family members can’t turn their lives around.
 
Teacher Terry, we are not facing what you have been through and still are facing.

All the best and please accept our sincere thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
 
TT’s son’s story got me to thinking we are lucky and shouldn’t take things for granted... Yesterday I had a couple of small victories I thought I’d share. The Mrs. and I got up early and drove to a Triple A tag store midway between my daughter’s new home and our house. (In Pennsylvania tag stores handle vehicle registrations.). For $104 (DD paid) we transfered ownership of the car to her. It took all of 20 minutes and I couldn’t stop smiling. The insurance costs are now on her. There is no doubt some ER subscribers will say we’ve been too generous. We only have the cell phone left but I think i’ll ask her to pay for it -$240 a year. She’s been out of school 2 years, has a great job and is nearly done with a masters in comp sci.

DS (Cool Hand) is back working at the local supermarket for the summer. He builds up his savings account over the summer and funds “extra stuff” at college. He worked a couple days then went with us to Tennessee. Yesterday he went in and they had scheduled him for lots of hours.. he called the Mrs. “these people are killing me“ later when he came home after work he made a comment about “I don’t know how people do these 40 hour weeks”.

Needless to say I had quite a chuckle...

TT there is a similar addiction situation on my block. You have my sympathy - its a heartbreaking challenge.
 
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He got addicted to meth when he was 20. When he is using or drinking he gets belligerent and he is not a big guy so amazing no one has killed him. He’s been beaten badly a few times. His dad is convinced that one day he will be found dead. He calls a few times a year when he borrows a phone and mostly I don’t think much about him because it’s been so painful. Thankful I have 2 other boys and a awesome stepson. We probably enabled him for too long trying to help.
 
Teacher Terry said:
We took him in many times, helped him get a new start, get into programs, etc. At 41 he is homeless and living on the street. 4 years ago he was doing better, had a job, apartment, we were all supportive and helpful and it all fell apart like usual.
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Parents can do everything right: and still have issues.

Drugs are especially devastating.
 
I got a call and a gift from my oldest son today. He reminded me of the mock job interview I had him do with me. Hey I was good at interviewing and he could use the help back then.

He was telling his son that the two pieces of advice he recalled were:
1) Pretend your body below the neck is in cement. Don't squirm! and
2) Get used to silences. Don't feel compelled to fill them with babble.

He is convinced that the second point has helped him well beyond job interviews. I had said you will learn more by listening than by talking.

This meant more to me than the gift ever would!
 
gamboolman said:
Teacher Terry, we are not facing what you have been through and still are facing.

All the best and please accept our sincere thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Click to expand...

+1 DW frequently laments that DS didn't go to college, is working a blue-collar job making ~$12/hour, lives in a dump (his own chosing because it is cheap and he doesn't care), etc. and I scold her that we are lucky... he is living on his own and not with us, supports himself, isn't a drug addict or an alcoholic and even saves money... in fact he has more saved than many adult Americans.

I have an aquaintance who a couple years ago buried a son who died of an overdose after a long struggle with drug addiction so I chose to focus on the positives.
 
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PB, I would love to have your son instead of mine. It appears he is living the life he wants. one thing that helped early on was that a co-worker was in the same situation and her support helped. Then I met my best friend and she is one of 5. 3 are great people and 2 are druggies that are still alive at 65. Her parents are wonderful people and they told me at some time you have to really just let that child go for your own mental health.
 
Teacher Terry said:
PB, I would love to have your son instead of mine. It appears he is living the life he wants. one thing that helped early on was that a co-worker was in the same situation and her support helped. Then I met my best friend and she is one of 5. 3 are great people and 2 are druggies that are still alive at 65. Her parents are wonderful people and they told me at some time you have to really just let that child go for your own mental health.
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You are amazing, TT.

This thread took a real turn, didn't it? If all it took was money to save kids from addiction, any of us would postpone retirement.
 
BW, if only money was the answer that would be easy. Thanks everyone for the support.
 
Two separate comments on this...


It was many years ago, but when I was young and working there was a coworker who had spent all the money they had saved up six times (yes, 6) to send their drug addicted son to rehab.. they went into debt just before being let go from work... do not know what happened to them but there is no way it was a good outcome...


I have a nephew who I do not talk to anymore... not that he was into drugs but was lazy beyond belief... move to Australia to live on the dole and joined the Hare Krishnas.... he is very smart and could easily make a living if he wanted.... why did I stop talking to him? Well, every time he asked for money... I was talking so a couple of my sisters the other day and they said the same thing... even his mother does not want him back in the States... when my mom passes he will be getting some money as this is what she wanted and bought savings bonds... IMO a waste...
 
Teacher Terry said:
We took him in many times, helped him get a new start, get into programs, etc. At 41 he is homeless and living on the street. 4 years ago he was doing better, had a job, apartment, we were all supportive and helpful and it all fell apart like usual.
Click to expand...

Don't feel like the lone ranger. We find ourselves so fortunate to be raising a 8 year old granddaughter in our retirement, and it was not what we expected to be doing at our age. But all we're offering support to her mother is healthcare insurance.
 
Teacher Terry said:
PB, I would love to have your son instead of mine. It appears he is living the life he wants. .... Her parents are wonderful people and they told me at some time you have to really just let that child go for your own mental health.
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Well thank you. He is a good guy with a big heart and we get along well. I'll concede that I wanted more out of life for him, but it is his life to live and not mine. DW has a bit Type A in her so it bugs her more. I have a bit of Type A too be I can let it go easier.

One of my epiffany's when our kids were teenagers was how little control I had over them... the best I could do was to prepare them as best I could, cross my fingers and hope for the best. The frustrating part was that I had so little control over them compared to the control that I preceived that my parents had over me when I was their age.

You are so right on the last part... sometimes you have to just let go for your own mental health.

I'm so thankful of DS's situation because if he were an addict I'm concerned that I would find it hard to provide the tough love needed and that I could easily slip into being an enabler.
 
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I've watched my sister "save" her son from addiction many times and ways. She finally listened to the folks who were telling her to let him go. Go live his own life and stop telling her all of his issues.

It took a while but he's been clean and sober for a couple years. I don't know why some folks get it and others keep believing the next drug or drink is going to be different. Truly sad.
 
pb4uski said:
Well thank you. He is a good guy with a big heart and we get along well. I'll concede that I wanted more out of life for him, but it is his life to live and not mine. DW has a bit Type A in her so it bugs her more.

One of my epiffany's when our kids were teenagers was how little control I had over them... the best I could do was to prepare them as best I could, cross my fingers and hope for the best. The frustrating part was that I had so little control over them compared to the control that I preceived that my parents had over me when I was their age.

You are so right on the last part... sometimes you have to just let go for your own mental health.

I'm so thankful of DS's situation because if he were an addict I'm concerned that I would find it hard to provide the tough love needed and that I could easily slip into being an enabler.
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+1
I have a son who sounds similar to yours, except unfortunately we are not close anymore, but this is his choice and also not due to any incidents between us.
Could be worse.
 
Bam, I know you tried really hard to help your daughter before letting go. I am glad that he never had kids.
 
kcowan said:
I got a call and a gift from my oldest son today. He reminded me of the mock job interview I had him do with me. Hey I was good at interviewing and he could use the help back then.

He was telling his son that the two pieces of advice he recalled were:
1) Pretend your body below the neck is in cement. Don't squirm! and
2) Get used to silences. Don't feel compelled to fill them with babble.

He is convinced that the second point has helped him well beyond job interviews. I had said you will learn more by listening than by talking.

This meant more to me than the gift ever would!
Click to expand...


Those are great words for concepts I kind of knew but could never communicate that concisely! Thanks, kcowan, I'm going to use those! I've definitely learned that one thing worse than an uncomfortable silence is trying too hard to fill it, but it's taken me a long time to really be able to practice it! (And I still don't always succeed!)
 
https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/forums/parent-emeritus.18


This forum was a huge help for DH and me a few years ago. If you have adult offspring with dependence issues (and/or other significant problems), I highly recommend this site. I found it by Googling something along the lines of "How to stop enabling your adult son".....


This is not an easy thing to live with. It becomes more bearable as we come to grips with the reality of our options that might help.
 
timo2 said:
How Your Kids Can Ruin Your Retirement — and How to Make Sure They Don’t

"Parental help often starts small, covering expenses such as cellphone bills, car payments, groceries, or health insurance. But temporary assistance can quickly turn permanent and pricey, financing rent and down payments, grandchildren’s college educations, and support for offspring going through divorce or battling drug addiction."

https://www.barrons.com/articles/ho...from-your-kids-51553285595?mod=article_inline

[I don't have kids, but I did like the little graphic cartoons with the article]
Click to expand...
To me, this isn't the kids doing anything. It's the parents.
 
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