Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
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- Sep 17, 2007
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OK, I give up. I don't get it.
I took it to mean he was a virgin and hence not good in bed (he was saving himself all his life).
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
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I took it to mean he was a virgin and hence not good in bed (he was saving himself all his life).
BTravlin
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- May 18, 2010
- Messages
- 996
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at
my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a
cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big
bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a
65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding
up your side of things.."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out
and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a
10-inch black and white tv.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve
your mid-life crisis!
my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a
cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big
bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a
65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding
up your side of things.."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out
and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a
10-inch black and white tv.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve
your mid-life crisis!
BTravlin
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- May 18, 2010
- Messages
- 996
When Love Fades...
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen
"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen
"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."
Elderdude
Recycles dryer sheets
The world's first standup comic, Shecky of Gomorrah, went to his agent one day.
"Murray, I'm sick of all these one-night stands, living out of a suitcase, on a caravan, off a caravan, on a camel, off a camel. Can't you get me a long range gig, maybe something like on a cruise ship?"
His agent got him booked on Noah's Ark. He was out 40 days and 40 nights. When he got back he went directly to his agent's office.
"Well, how was it, Shecky?"
“‘How was it?’ you ask. Listen, I've worked for tough audiences before …but these were animals!"
"Murray, I'm sick of all these one-night stands, living out of a suitcase, on a caravan, off a caravan, on a camel, off a camel. Can't you get me a long range gig, maybe something like on a cruise ship?"
His agent got him booked on Noah's Ark. He was out 40 days and 40 nights. When he got back he went directly to his agent's office.
"Well, how was it, Shecky?"
“‘How was it?’ you ask. Listen, I've worked for tough audiences before …but these were animals!"
Favorite Animal?
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, Pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, Pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!
Male sensitivity
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes,” answered the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes,” answered the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..
More snappy one-liners
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick replies, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he has a part in the school play and he is playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind, son. Maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses. (I added a link here for the non-Brits to understand what Hovis is)
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick replies, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he has a part in the school play and he is playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind, son. Maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses. (I added a link here for the non-Brits to understand what Hovis is
)
..and more one liners
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
I converted all the other stuff such as hoover to vacuum and £ to $. I forgot about that one. For those that are wondering, b******s is a British swear word that sounds a bit like bullocks.
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
I converted all the other stuff such as hoover to vacuum and £ to $. I forgot about that one. For those that are wondering, b******s is a British swear word that sounds a bit like bullocks.
Yeah, but what does b0llocks actually mean?
It is a word of Anglo Saxon origin meaning testicles
As an aside I also heard that the origins of "to testify" and "testament" come from Ancient Roman where women and eunuchs were not allowed to give evidence in a court of law. Only men with testicles could appear in court. (not absolutely sure about this but it sounds good)
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
So are b*llocks or blo*dy considered more or less offensive than the good ol' American F-bomb? Wonder, as several Irish and New Zealand acquaintances use the F word real hard, almost up to naval standards, and as if it was a minor innocuous modifier.
They both come from Middle English, derived from the Latin testis, meaning "witness" and the best guess is that it's because the testicles bear witness to their owner's masculinity.
Before anyone protests [also derived from the same root] this, I should note that the Romans used another word entirely for their testicles, colei.
Before anyone protests [also derived from the same root] this, I should note that the Romans used another word entirely for their testicles, colei.
They are much less offensive than the F word, and you'll hear them in everyday speech all the time (at least the places we've lived).
Cultural differences are interesting. I watched a docu-drama once about a famous cricket match between England and Australia in the 1930's. At one point an Australian batsman called an English bowler a b*st*rd.
At the end of the day the English captain went to the dressing room of the Australians to complain. The Australian captain turned to his players and said, "Which one of you b*st*rds called this b*st*rd a b*st*rd?"
I just remembered a news article on NPR a few years ago and they were reporting on a new tourist guide and phrase book written in Italy for Italians visiting Australia. There were many funny entries but the one I recall is the phrase "G'Day you ole b*st*rd", with the explanation, "you may hear this spoken between Australians as a form of greeting. However, we do not recommend that you use this greeting as the results may be unpredictable".
BigNick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
The most common use of "bollocks" in daily conversation in the UK would be similar to "bull$h1t". Example: "See that latest memo from HR? What a load of bollocks". But the original meaning it still widely used; if a cricketer gets hit in the "gentleman's area" by the ball, a spectator would say "he got one in the bollocks, looked pretty painful".
I tried to explain this to my daughter but she kept asking "Who's Monty Python?"
You mean you've deprived her of the essential experience of watching "The Holy Grail" after inhaling a bit of Maui's finest?
Now that she's gone to university it shouldn't be long before she learns all about Monty Python.
Over Christmas our daughter and her husband introduced us to a new Monty Python board game of theirs that they play with all their friends.
We didn't do so well because they and our son seem to know all the Monty Python movies and quotes by heart.
Meadbh
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2006
- Messages
- 11,401
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
You mean it isn't?
Heard in Dublin: sentif***ingmental (all one word)
Standard naval words back when i was shoveling coal (making sail? manning the oars?) were absof***inglutely, inf***ingcredible and such. Sentences grew by 20% to include enough of the requisite f words - recall asking a family member to pass the *** butter at dinner when home on leave - that moment marked a decision to look for more descriptive adjectives.
Do like your Dubliner word though, as it's a lovely blending of sweet and salty.
Elderdude
Recycles dryer sheets
With all of the severe weather we have been having this winter, the Department of Transportation issued a travel warning. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current conditions should have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-icer
Rock salt
Flashlight and spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
Empty gas can
Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-icer
Rock salt
Flashlight and spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
Empty gas can
Booster cables
"I'm really scared" says Snow White to the huntsman as he leads her into the woods. "Just think how bad it will be for me. I'll be walking out all by myself".
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