private boarding high school for niece

[workburnout]

I'm wondering if my niece will likely get kicked out of her new school next year. Since, I, along with my mother, am helping pay for part of the tuition. My share I've agreed to is about $11,000 a year for 4 years high school. My sister has asked me for advice and help throughout this entire school decision process.

The short background story is, I have no kids by my own choice - and my only niece (there are no nephews) has been accepted at a college prep boarding school 2 hours from her house. Her parents travel for work, and they are irresponsible parents in certain ways, such as lacking patience to deal with her when there's any typical teenage problem like not wanting to study much or not telling her it's not ok to repeatedly pass gas in front of others (more on that later). Her mom loves her, but never really wanted/planned kids or to be a responsible mom.

So, the school will be an opportunity for her to get away from them, and have better influential adults around.

The school has required daily supervised homework study times which is great in her situation. Her mom currently always makes excuses for her not to study or do homework - such as if mom needs her help cleaning their rental units, wants her to go to a concert with her, or do something else irresponsible when niece needs to study.

Niece has no idea how bad (in certain ways) her parents are and actually likes them- they are pretty irresponsible - yet she does not see that from her limited life perspective. Her real dad is unemployed, former convicted felon, rarely pays child support, and stepdad earns good money yet is little help as a positive influence for other reasons.

My niece really wants to go, is excited about the school.
Until now she's attended a really easy public school. She is good in reading and writing skills. However, she has a math disability (which the public school won't acknowledge since they give A's for effort) and another "spacial" learning disability which means she has really messy handwriting.

She barely passed the entrance exam math section to get in this prep school - only after she got extra time and use of a calculator (normally not allowed) for her math disability, and use of computer (also not allowed normally) for the essay portion. The public school gave her all A's for effort, despite her being behind a full grade level in math.

Despite all this, she was accepted into a pretty good private school after a long, time-consuming process, with which I was greatly involved. Initially, was my sister's idea to send her away to school (mostly to make my sister's life easier), but I greatly encouraged it as soon as she brought it up. I did all the research on schools, private testing tutors, hiring of doctor/specialist to get her extra time on test, helped my sister fill out her financial aid forms for a partial scholarship, etc. My sister said without me she would not have known how to go about the process of applying, which is true - my sister literally did not know what or how to do any of this.

Also, as an only child, my niece has never had a roommate and thinks it's ok to pass gas a lot (really smelly gas!) when she "gets to know someone a month or two". I feel sorry for her soon-to-be future roommate she will meet in a month when school starts. Am wondering if she will change her attitude on this, for her poor future roommate's sake.

Also her mom (she's married to a man for "business reasons" - he makes good money, yet she has a girlfriend and open marriage) is very liberal so it's a status symbol for her daughter to be gay - so she bought her all these books for her on being gay and now my niece says she's gay. She even got her a full page ad spot in a well-read gay magazine (my niece's picture at age 12 is in there as a statement about the future of the gay community). However, she's never kissed anyone, boy or girl, and honestly seems like she likes boys from how she acts. I don't care if she's gay or not, but I do care if my sister is pushing it on her simply because in her circle of friends it's "cool" to have a gay daughter. But I've kept my opinion to myself, as it would get twisted if I brought it up as a negative. Basically I think my niece will make her own relationship decisions when older, regardless of what her mom says about how cool she thinks it is to be gay. I know my sister did ask the school if being gay is accepted there since it's religious/conservative, and they said yes they are open to that. If they had not been, my sister would not have agreed to send her there.

After high school, I may or may not help with college, depending on how responsible she is. She says she wants to be a doctor. Not likely - as she's smart in a way - but defiantly not that smart. She wants to go to college, and as of now she thinks she has to pay for college through scholarships, all herself. We (sister, mom and I) are not telling her we might end up helping with college because we want her to think she has to get good grades in order to get a scholarship. I defiantly will not help after college - as I consider that enabling. I may not even help with college - but it's too soon to make that decision. It will be largely based on how she sets goals during high school.

I had help with my college and I still had a great work ethic and - after college - worked may way up from literally nothing financially to doing very well. But she seems lazier and not as responsible with money as I was at her age. By 12 I was earning money in the family business, and she's 14 and not good with money. She mirrors a lot of what her mom does, only worse. If her attitude continues, it may be better she pays her own way through college.

I am hoping this college prep school will change her into being more responsible. That is, if she can make it there, not get kicked out.

So for now, I am wondering if anyone has experience with a "marginally prepared" kid going to college prep school, and how much a school generally puts up with. It is somewhat competitive to get in, not a special ed school in any way, though it will work with her one-on-one for extra math help.

Mainly I am looking for reassurance from parents or others who have experience with a "so-so" prepared kid in private college prep school, and wondering if there is anything more I can do. I think now I have to just wait and see how it works out - as she starts school in a month.

Already I have made some contacts there - through people I know who know administrators there - and a teacher. So, I look forward to getting to know them better as they seem eagar to share advice.

I can afford it and don't mind helping since in my niece's family situation it can really change her life for the better.She will end up getting my money when I die anyway (through a trust I set up), so I figure best to spend some of it now on her education. Even if this school does not work out, I won't regret my decision to try to help. I am in my mid-40s at a point where I could retire now if I wanted, yet if I retired now I'd have to live very frugally, so I choose to work full time another few years.

Her public school system is not great, unless you have very helpful dedicated parents supervising nightly study, or you are in the gifted program which she does not qualify for.

I am wondering if other parents have seen a turn-around for kids sent to boarding schools. I wish there was more I could do rather than just hope.

Also am hoping the school gives demerits for rude behavior such as purposely (she admitted she could stop if she wanted) passing gas. I read the handbook and it listed all the things they give demerits for - that was not one of them. We were on a trip and niece kept doing it, on purpose. She did not care which concerns me. At 14 I'd have been too embarrassed to do that in front of anyone.

Edit to add note: No one in my family knows how well off I am financially - or that I set up a trust for my niece that she will get when I die. They think I am working hard to help with her monthly school payments - they have no idea I have all the money saved already from years of past work and scrimping and (mostly) index fund investing. If my niece does not grow up to be responsible, I may decide to change the trust to give it all to charity - no one will know I ever saved that much money (other than a couple close trusted friends who would not tell). So no one expects me to help her with anything (other than the 4 yrs I agreed to for this school if she does not flunk out) and I won't help her unless it truly makes sense.

 

[REWahoo]

Wow, that's quite a story.

No doubt this thread will be highly entertaining. Yep, a real gas...

 

[skipro33]

Since helping fund her boarding school isn't any sort of financial burden on you, I say go for it and give that girl at least a chance at getting her life straightened out. She's on a wrong path letting things continue as they are.

Try to stay very close to her. My DW is aunt to a niece with similar issues who has since gotten her masters, served in the Peace Corps in Africa and is high up in a state government public health position. Because of DW's involvement with niece, she had a chance and it started with getting niece the hell outa Dodge.

 

[workburnout]

Wow, that's quite a story.

No doubt this thread will be highly entertaining. Yep, a real gas...

It is funny. But her gas really does stink horribly, and I don't think she realizes how disgusting it is. Her mom said, "You're too old to be doing that," on our recent trip and my thought was why is she waiting until she's 14 to start saying this. But I kept my mouth shut. That's my sister, she does not like doing what she should do/say as a parent - instead she lets things go way too often. She is more of a friend than a parent. Which is a huge reason why I am so hopeful there will be responsible adults at her new school to give her better guidance. Not just about gas, but other things.

I would be interested to hear comments especially if others have any similar experience. Obviously no one will have an exact experience as this, but maybe some parts of it will be similar.

I worry for my niece's future - she says she wants to be a psychiatrist working from home. Have kids who need help coming to her home office. Not going to happen, as she lacks time management skills plus could never get through the math required to go to med school. I am just hoping she can be a responsible productive member of society.

But she sees how I work from home (only after many years developing skills in a niche industry working in an office) and my sister and her husband both work from home (though they travel off and on a lot for work). She sees them watching a lot of tv, going to concerts, etc, and it does not occur to her the work they put in to get to the point where they can travel for work, working hard a few days, then take it easy at home a few days. When she sees them, other than cleaning their rental properties, they don't have to do to much. So she thinks they don't work much - which is not true - as they do a lot when she does not see them.

She is never going to do what any of us do for work as we are all in specialty fields and have the discipline to work without supervision as is needed. She will need a job where she has accountability and I worry she won't want to to that - so will end up like her father who is almost always unemployed (his mom helps him out even though he's almost 45 years old).

This school is the best chance she's got to learn responsibility. As a kid I was irresponsible in some ways but I always had a work ethic which stuck with me. I partied hard and worked hard. Did so much partying I got tired of it. Mostly work now and do boring activities like hiking (which I find fun but aren't like the exciting partying days of my youth). Only recently I've started to scale back and work less, but I can afford to now.

She only works if someone tells her to. Needs structure and someone telling her you can or can't do this. She's like a worker in a job needing supervision - not able to be independent. Yet, she won't want to be a supervised worker - she will want freedom - and she does not have the wherewithall to have a job like that. So, she will be like her dad - saying he can't find work - when the truth is he can't find work he wants to do because he's irresponsible and won't admit it.

It may be asking too much for this school to help her - it may be asking for some sort of miracle.

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

Just the usual caveats when helping out an irresponsible family member: make sure you pay the service provider (school) directly, talk to the management and bursar there, make sure they know you're the one financially responsible, and you're the one due any refunds/credits. Talk to them about working with them to address your niece's needs -- like a health care professional, they may not want to give information to anyone other than the legal guardian, even if you're paying, but if you at least tell them what you have observed it may help them a lot, instead of going on just what niece and sister tell them.

 

[LimaPop]

I'd let the gay thing go, there are plenty of messages and mentors in society on being straight... but few on being gay. You are or you are not, I don't think a book will change that.

 

[workburnout]

Since helping fund her boarding school isn't any sort of financial burden on you, I say go for it and give that girl at least a chance at getting her life straightened out. She's on a wrong path letting things continue as they are.

Try to stay very close to her. My DW is aunt to a niece with similar issues who has since gotten her masters, served in the Peace Corps in Africa and is high up in a state government public health position. Because of DW's involvement with niece, she had a chance and it started with getting niece the hell outa Dodge.

It's funny you mention the Peace Corps, as I served as well (20 + years ago). I also got my masters later (after working 10+ more years). I have been keeping in touch with my niece through weekly Facetime meetings. Not sure if there is anything I should say to her, in particular, but I've had some ideas and listened to her a lot. She likes to talk, but changes the subject whenever any sort of topic of responsibility comes up.

I did a lot of irresponsible things as a kid but I always - from a young age - had a lot of drive and motivation, basically grit, that got me through and made up for my poor choices. I am not seeing that she has that - she likes to make excuses for things she can't do. Such as, she's a poor speller so she says spelling is not needed nowadays for success. She could not remember how to spell "believe" for example. I told her look in a book you have and try to find that word, and she got excited and did - like a "word scavenger hunt" and now she knows how to spell it.

She needs one -on -one supervision and encouragement, and my sister says she's too busy to do that (watches movies, goes to concerts, etc instead).

I don't think she needs to be a spelling whiz, but knowing the basics is important.

Same with typing - she will need that as a skill especially since she can't write legibly (barely anyway). Yet, she says it is not too important. Because she is not good at it, to her it is not important.

She does not want to go into the Peace Corps since she thinks it will be living too remotely for her - I explained that it is not like that in many places and she gets to choose - whether she wants to rough it more or live with modern amenities. But I really don't care if she goes in, I just threw it out as an idea since she mentioned wanting to be a doctor and they do have combined Peace Corps/doctor programs where she'd get part of her med school paid for. I know she won't get into med school but I was being encouraging since she keeps bringing it up.

I told her she will need to know a lot of anatomy and math etc and she does not take any steps needed to prepare herself. She just learned to round numbers (again) as she had forgotten. Example: .98 rounded up is 100. She had trouble with that not 3 months ago. It does not occur to her how much she is behind - her expectations are not grounded in reality.

She wants to work 6 months on a Disney cruiseline - says she wants to take a year off between high school and college. That would be ok if she made plans for the other 6 months - and her college plans were set in place. Some kids from her school do take a gap year and the school helps them put college plans in place so they have specific plans for starting college that next year.

Says she wants to have kids. But says she is gay (since her mom thinks it's so cool). I left it alone other than to ask one time if she plans to have kids naturally and she said yes. I left it alone.
She has no concept of a married relationship (no good examples of that around her). So if that's what she wants, she will need to find role models in that. Personally I am in a long term relationship (I keep it private and don't talk about it much) but I am very happy not being married but we don't talk about me.

So maybe she will be a good housewife, gay or not, whatever makes her happy, with all the kids she wants (she said max 7!) If she found someone to support her I guess it could work out.
I can not imagine who would want to hire a farting irresponsible person such as her. I love my niece, but just being honest here.

 

[skipro33]

Just keep her in conversation. Don't judge her, but keep correcting her when she expresses wrong ideas about how the adult world really works. Encourage her when she's making right choices. Set an example for her. Be honest with her when she has questions. Do not talk bad about others to her. In other words, just keep being a good mentor and benefactor for her.

 

[calmloki]

Give a girl a chance. Sounds like she is struggling with a lot of influence you don't approve of, but life has a way of wearing those rough edges down.
I have a young relative who had - issues. Drugs, pretty morally black dealing with people, disrespectful treatment of parents, stays in lockdown mental/behavioral care facilities. I funded some education post-high school based on grades - got a bogus counterfeit grade report that didn't jibe with a call to the school I made. I cut funding.

Relative is now making $100,000+ in IT, has a very nice house and a longterm honey that I don't care for but suspect is just the rudder needed. You just don't know how things will wash out - but you can give a chance.

 

[workburnout]

Just the usual caveats when helping out an irresponsible family member: make sure you pay the service provider (school) directly, talk to the management and bursar there, make sure they know you're the one financially responsible, and you're the one due any refunds/credits. Talk to them about working with them to address your niece's needs -- like a health care professional, they may not want to give information to anyone other than the legal guardian, even if you're paying, but if you at least tell them what you have observed it may help them a lot, instead of going on just what niece and sister tell them.

Yes, well, in order to get her scholarship (partial), her mom had to agree she was the only one paying. If we had told them we helped, her scholarship would have been denied and we'd all have had to pay more (mom and I). We are at our limit of what we all will pay. So we must keep it a secret, due to how that particular school work (which not at all the same as how college aid works). You are right they won't give info to others but I'm relying on my sister to keep us informed of any updates. I think she will, as anything that could affect her daughter getting kicked out or not would affect my sister (and her ability to have freedom from raising a teenager). I have made some contacts at the school already, as a lady I work with knew someone, and I plan to get to know them better which could be helpful in the future. I fully expect the school to contact her with issues she has that first year - and my sister will tell me about it.

Edit to add: It may not matter if we help or not, but initially the school did put that they prefer no one help her, as they considered her husband's income. He has other obligations so they then said ok we won't consider that income in our fin. aid calculation. The bottom line is it was better to not say we (mom and I) are helping - and technically on paper we are not helping - as the money is being paid to another non-school account. So we are doing it that way so she can afford it - with scholarship - which pays about 1/4 of tuition.

Edit to add about health reports: The reason she went to the doctor to get evaluated was the tutor (math) mom and I helped pay for advised that she find one as she had a lot of math frustration over basic concepts. So, we (meaning mostly I) researched online to find an educational doctor specializing in evaluations for extra time on test. My sister blew it off as unimportant until we got the evaluation done - then she was very glad we did it - and each paid 1/3. Little did we realize she truly has learning disorders -dyscalculia and another one- after we paid for this $3000 test - and she must be re-tested every 3 yrs to keep getting extra time on tests such as the SAT. My sister gave me and the school a copy of her report. So the school knows and they still accepted her since she passed their minimum requirements on the entrance exam. So my sister has been very forthcoming with things like that. The school only releases health info to her and the father and stepdad (neither who are involved much) due to confidentiality. But my sister is going to let mom and I see her grade reports and health info as it relates to school. She'd have no reason not to keep us in the loop about any of it.

 

[sheehs1]

My nephew went to a a well respected boarding high school. Initially he was going to a very small private school. They put him back a year due to his lack of prep work and he had to repeat his Freshman or Sophomore year.
His parents decided to send him and I'm unclear on all the reasons why, since they did not send their daughter to one. My nephew was not as smart as his sister.
He was exposed to many opportunities and families of highly wealthy and successful people, traveled the world both while in high school, college and for a good 10 plus years after.
He has joined our family business and I have to say I am not impressed. I would have been more impressed had he gone out on his own and created his own business rather than have the "soft landing" his mother created for him at our multi-generational family business. I just think going to school with very wealthy sons of business tycoons, etc. has instill some "entitlement" issues.
He recently married well, the sister of a friend he was in boarding school with and from a very wealthy family. So, your niece will make great contacts at this boarding school. How grounded and realistic she remains will be up to her Mom and family...I suppose.
I don't think he has learned how to fail or take hard knocks and get back up.

 

[workburnout]

My nephew went to a a well respected boarding high school. Initially he was going to a very small private school. They put him back a year due to his lack of prep work and he had to repeat his Freshman or Sophomore year.
His parents decided to send him and I'm unclear on all the reasons why, since they did not send their daughter to one. My nephew was not as smart as his sister.
He was exposed to many opportunities and families of highly wealthy and successful people, traveled the world both while in high school, college and for a good 10 plus years after.
He has joined our family business and I have to say I am not impressed. I would have been more impressed had he gone out on his own and created his own business rather than have the "soft landing" his mother created for him at our multi-generational family business. I just think going to school with very wealthy sons of business tycoons, etc. has instill some "entitlement" issues.
He recently married well, the sister of a friend he was in board school with from a very wealthy family. So, your niece will make great contacts at this boarding school. How grounded and realistic she remains will be up to her Mom and family...I suppose.

It is a very down to earth school. Not snooty at all. In fact my sister would not allow her to go to one of the others due to "too many white people". This one has a lot of diversity which my sister likes. It has a lot of poor kids on scholarships. Some rich ones too of course. But it's not a "typical" rich boarding school. So that part I am not worried about.

 

[skipro33]

Yes, well, in order to get her scholarship (partial), her mom had to agree she was the only one paying. If we had told them we helped, her scholarship would have been denied and we'd all have had to pay more (mom and I). We are at our limit of what we all will pay. So we must keep it a secret, due to how that particular school work (which not at all the same as how college aid works). You are right they won't give info to others but I'm relying on my sister to keep us informed of any updates. I think she will, as anything that could affect her daughter getting kicked out or not would affect my sister (and her ability to have freedom from raising a teenager). I have made some contacts at the school already, as a lady I work with knew someone, and I plan to get to know them better which could be helpful in the future. I fully expect the school to contact her with issues she has that first year - and my sister will tell me about it.

Uh, yea. You may not be the best mentor for your niece after all. Cheating to get a scholarship for example. Not cool.

Bitching about how irresponsible your sister is, then relying on sister to keep you informed, the same one willing to scam the school's scholarship system. (and I suspect talking you into it in the first place) You think that's a good idea?

You need to get right with yourself, your own ethics and idea of what's right before poking a finger in your sister's and niece's direction.

 

[RunningBum]

In general, it seems like a fine idea, to give the girl a shot at a better life. I didn't read the thread all that closely, a little too much gas for me. But I have to chuckle at my favorite misused word: "defiantly". It works in place of "definitely" (unlike loose/lose), but does change the meaning somewhat, and amusingly. Sorry, back to the topic.

 

[Senator]

Uh, yea. You may not be the best mentor for your niece after all. Cheating to get a scholarship for example. Not cool.

Bitching about how irresponsible your sister is, then relying on sister to keep you informed, the same one willing to scam the school's scholarship system. (and I suspect talking you into it in the first place) You think that's a good idea?

You need to get right with yourself, your own ethics and idea of what's right before poking a finger in your sister's and niece's direction.

You are right. Rather than paying for the school, he should just give his sister the same amount as a gift.

 

[gwraigty]

I can not imagine who would want to hire a farting irresponsible person such as her. I love my niece, but just being honest here.

You're way too hung up on the farting. Your niece has more important challenges than that. She's only 14. You're basing your poor opinion of her partially on how you were at the same age, and partially on your opinion that she lost in the parent lottery.

I don't mean any disrespect by this, but unless you've raised kids, you're not as tuned in to the challenges as those of us who have. A teenager's perspective on things can change dramatically, sometimes from one day to the next. What she thinks she wants now is not set in stone. Overall, this time in a child's life can be the most difficult for all concerned. It does pass. This "irresponsible" niece of yours, unless she has a serious mental disorder, will mature mentally and emotionally in the coming years. Unless your niece isn't doing her homework at all and is flunking out, helping to clean some rental units isn't irresponsible. Such an activity does teach some skills that are useful to add on a first resume.

Losing the parent lottery, if indeed that is the case, doesn't mean your niece is doomed for life. Many people, myself included, can eventually mature enough to reject poor values and go on to become better people.

Uh, yea. You may not be the best mentor for your niece after all. Cheating to get a scholarship for example. Not cool.

Bitching about how irresponsible your sister is, then relying on sister to keep you informed, the same one willing to scam the school's scholarship system. (and I suspect talking you into it in the first place) You think that's a good idea?

You need to get right with yourself, your own ethics and idea of what's right before poking a finger in your sister's and niece's direction.

+1

 

[workburnout]

Uh, yea. You may not be the best mentor for your niece after all. Cheating to get a scholarship for example. Not cool.

Bitching about how irresponsible your sister is, then relying on sister to keep you informed, the same one willing to scam the school's scholarship system. (and I suspect talking you into it in the first place) You think that's a good idea?

You need to get right with yourself, your own ethics and idea of what's right before poking a finger in your sister's and niece's direction.

No, no, cheating was involved. I went over the financial forms with her and she was truthful. Mom and I are not paying the school at all. We are helping her with other bills she has, which allow her to pay for the tuition in full herself. It is a private school with their own system, having nothing to do with the government, and we found out, very unlike the college tuition aid process. Edit to add: Had we not helped with her bills, and without the partial aid, she would not have been able to go to a boarding school. We thought about a cheaper private school near her house, but that would not solve the problem of my sister being gone 2 weeks every month for work - leaving niece with no supervision. My sister is not going to change her work, and would have left her alone (or with stepdad who is not often there). My sister did ask mom and I not to mention anything about helping with tuition, and we are honoring her request. It may or may not matter if we mention it to the school or not. Regardless, she was truthful on the aid application.

 

[GravitySucks]

14

At 14 my daughter wanted to be a veternarian/lawyer/president.
I think I wanted to be a municipal trash collector/astronaut.

Relax. At 14 nothing is set.

 

[workburnout]

You are right. Rather than paying for the school, he should just give his sister the same amount as a gift.

Yes, that is basically what I did, but I did not explain all that in the initial thread. The amount of money works out to be the same so it seemed to overcomplicate things by getting into all that here.

 

[workburnout]

I'd let the gay thing go, there are plenty of messages and mentors in society on being straight... but few on being gay. You are or you are not, I don't think a book will change that.

Yes I agree. My sister really wants her to be gay. So she makes comments that she is, to please her mom. Whether she is or not, I don't think she knows yet.

I don't care if she is or not. Whatever makes her happy. But she should not be gay or not based on her mother's wishes.

I have not commented to her either way, I brought it up as an example here of what is going on as far as her mother.

 

[workburnout]

14

At 14 my daughter wanted to be a veternarian/lawyer/president.
I think I wanted to be a municipal trash collector/astronaut.

Relax. At 14 nothing is set.

Trash collector is an unusual thing to want to be.

Yes true as long as she is able to take care of herself and reasonably responsible overall, she will be ok.
If she wants to be a trash collector or anything else, that's great. I just see her setting herself up for disappointment wanting to be a doctor (her one career goal she has other than working 6 months on a Disney ship) when even the medical test evaluator said she won't likely be able to do that. She could be a doctor but it would take a ton of work - due to her math disorder - and even then it's unlikely she could do the work. I can see her working on a Disney ship - she'd be good at that - but she said she does not want to do that longterm. I never told her she can't be a doctor, I'm saying it here but I will never tell her she can't do something.

 

[workburnout]

Give a girl a chance. Sounds like she is struggling with a lot of influence you don't approve of, but life has a way of wearing those rough edges down.
I have a young relative who had - issues. Drugs, pretty morally black dealing with people, disrespectful treatment of parents, stays in lockdown mental/behavioral care facilities. I funded some education post-high school based on grades - got a bogus counterfeit grade report that didn't jibe with a call to the school I made. I cut funding.

Relative is now making $100,000+ in IT, has a very nice house and a longterm honey that I don't care for but suspect is just the rudder needed. You just don't know how things will wash out - but you can give a chance.

Yes will give a chance. My problem is accepting the unknown - maybe a few months from now things will turn around for her.

 

[workburnout]

Just keep her in conversation. Don't judge her, but keep correcting her when she expresses wrong ideas about how the adult world really works. Encourage her when she's making right choices. Set an example for her. Be honest with her when she has questions. Do not talk bad about others to her. In other words, just keep being a good mentor and benefactor for her.

My sister likes that I talk to niece in our "meeting" on Facetime every week. My sister and I have an unwritten agreement I will never badmouth my sister or her husband or niece's dad. I don't, because it would cause an argument. I have seen other family members have such arguments - too long to get into here - but I learned from watching them. My sister badmouths other people all the time - me and her ex and other family. Makes little comments. I just ignore them. She says some good comments, some bad. The only thing I ever said to niece that was not positive was that her mother is not perfect which was in reply to something niece said. But none of us are perfect so I do not see that as a negative comment, nor did niece or anyone else take it as a negative.

We've done positive things. I took niece to the local animal shelter to help volunteer. She helped me prepare holiday gifts for my work customers.

To be honest no one in my family, self included, is perfect, and I could point out faults we all have - but I can look back and see that I've helped. From where she was, in a public school that gave her A's and did not teach her much, she will have an opportunity. No one in my family went to private highschool let alone boarding school.

I guess all I can do, is all I am doing now. Will play it by ear, see how she does, maybe things will work out ok.

 

[workburnout]

In general, it seems like a fine idea, to give the girl a shot at a better life. I didn't read the thread all that closely, a little too much gas for me. But I have to chuckle at my favorite misused word: "defiantly". It works in place of "definitely" (unlike loose/lose), but does change the meaning somewhat, and amusingly. Sorry, back to the topic.

Yes I always misspell that word, for some reason.

 

[sheehs1]

It is a very down to earth school. Not snooty at all. In fact my sister would not allow her to go to one of the others due to "too many white people". This one has a lot of diversity which my sister likes. It has a lot of poor kids on scholarships. Some rich ones too of course. But it's not a "typical" rich boarding school. So that part I am not worried about.

You asked for those with experience with what I thought were boarding schools.

After reading back thru the thread and those that posted after me, I am now a bit baffled on exactly what feedback you are looking for.
Your sister has decided to send her to boarding school. You are helping financially.
End of story...right?