It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
OOOPS!
Be sure to always have your boarding pass checked!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randy
Be sure to always have your boarding pass checked!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randy
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't F**^%*' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . ..
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And they say good communication is the key to a happy marriage.
True story:
On my way to an evening meeting, I decided to send my wife a clear message. I turned on the stereo, and put Lets Spend the Night Together, by the Rolling Stones, on repeat.
I spent the entirety of that never ending meeting chuckling at my own cleverness and daydreaming about what awaited me at home.
Returning home I could barely control my excitement. The bedroom light was on, and music was playing! Upon entering the bedroom my wifes desires became clear. She slept, while my stereo repeated another classic Stones tune: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
True story:
On my way to an evening meeting, I decided to send my wife a clear message. I turned on the stereo, and put Lets Spend the Night Together, by the Rolling Stones, on repeat.
I spent the entirety of that never ending meeting chuckling at my own cleverness and daydreaming about what awaited me at home.
Returning home I could barely control my excitement. The bedroom light was on, and music was playing! Upon entering the bedroom my wifes desires became clear. She slept, while my stereo repeated another classic Stones tune: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
AARP FAQ's
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true and if so where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is fine, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true and if so where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is fine, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Life lessons learned from the Easter Bunny:
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how is your day going
packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
NW Landlady
Recycles dryer sheets
Men Teaching Classes - for Women
Men Teaching Classes -- for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, May 8, 2011
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
JJPIES60
Dryer sheet wannabe
The Osama Bin Laden Cocktail --- Two shots and a splash of water.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
If you watch Osama bin Laden's life backwards, its about an ocean zombie that builds skyscrapers out of airplanes.
German Engineering Meets Arab Technology
Looks like VW is still putting out a fine product!
They could never get away with this advertisement in the U.S.
In the United Kingdom and Ireland it is the most popular TV commercial playing. People call in to learn the schedules for showing this commercial.
Gotta love that German Engineering!
(No offense meant to anyone, this is just funny.)
YouTube - German Engineering vs Arab Technology
Looks like VW is still putting out a fine product!
They could never get away with this advertisement in the U.S.
In the United Kingdom and Ireland it is the most popular TV commercial playing. People call in to learn the schedules for showing this commercial.
Gotta love that German Engineering!
(No offense meant to anyone, this is just funny.)
YouTube - German Engineering vs Arab Technology
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
[FONT="]I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.[/FONT]
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
[FONT="]I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.[/FONT]
Shopper Injured In Georgia
Augusta, Georgia - Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy informed the police he had observed a male customer, later identified as T. Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk there were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. P. Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After police and ambulance personnel arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject in question was also transported to the local hospital having sustained two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw. These injuries were sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that's a well written police report.
Augusta, Georgia - Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy informed the police he had observed a male customer, later identified as T. Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk there were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. P. Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After police and ambulance personnel arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject in question was also transported to the local hospital having sustained two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw. These injuries were sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that's a well written police report.
BigNick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
FWIW, this is all untrue. This commercial has never been shown on TV in the UK. It's an example of what ad agencies do when they're trying to win awards (which is what most creative people in ad agencies think about when they get a commission) - you have to push the envelope sometimes. Fortunately this one ended up on the cutting-room floor.
Thank you, BigNick. I make it a practice to always check things like this with snopes.com, but this came from a trusted source and doesn't appear on snopes so I believed his introduction. Serves me right for not verifying it. Still pretty funny, though.
TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
I had a feeling that it was one of those ads designed to go viral on the net -- never intended for TV. Like this one (youtube dot com/watch?v=Gz-sC-vSIXk) (warning, contains cat cruelty).
Nuiloa
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- May 12, 2011
- Messages
- 496
A new drink
I really needed a drink today and my bartender suggested a new one called the "bin Laden": two shots and a splash of water
I really needed a drink today and my bartender suggested a new one called the "bin Laden": two shots and a splash of water
VaCollector
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- May 12, 2007
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- 549
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
Colors photoshopped a little in the cartoon, but that's hilarious! I see this one too:
packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
MARRIED 30 YEARS
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
packrat44
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Status
