It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[GalaxyBoy]

If Apple made automobiles, would they have Windows?

We do know they would have no Flash.

 

[brewer12345]

.

 

[Richard4444]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to him, and the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

[Nemo2]

 

[Nemo2]

 

[eytonxav]

Christmas Hangover

Make sure to read story at bottom…

TheGreat.jpg (98.04 KiB) Viewed 160 times



"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

 

[Sweetlip]

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer beforeI devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.





'ButI didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'






'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.





'Nope,that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...










'You missed the f*$!*n' putt, didn't you?

 

[Htown Harry]

I heard this one listening to sports talk radio and nearly crashed when they got to the punchline.

Caution: locker room humor...

Urban Meyer tells the horrifying legend of Woody Hayes' turtle - SBNation.com

'I'm going to show you toughness.'

 

[David1961]

A young man recently joined a gym and noticed many very attractive ladies who were members. He asked his coach what machine he should use to impress these ladies the most. The coach said the ATM machine.

 

[tinlizzy]

Ha!

 

[eytonxav]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big penis or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many men still sleep with their wives!

 

[NotMyFault]

From my wife:

Men are like ceramic tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.

 

[Meadbh]

From my wife:

Men are like ceramic tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.

 

[Accidental Retiree]

From something DH reads:

"High School Reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old"?

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-a$$ed, gray-haired, decrepit SOB asked me:

"What did you teach?"

 

[mickeyd]

 

[TOOLMAN]

Snow update---- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[frayne]

 

[David1961]

The newlyweds arrive at the hotel, and the girl tells her husband, "Honey, I know nothing of this. Can you help me, please..??"

"I will honey. Starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing, we'll call the prisoner. So, we will put the prisoner in the prison."

And they throw down the first one.

The guy is laying face up on the bed. The girl was delighted and tells her husband, "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison..!!"

The guy, tired but very delighted tells her, "Let's put him into the prison another time..!!"

After the second time, the girl is very happy and she tells him, "Honey..!! The prisoner is out again..!!"

The man rises, and they throw down the third.

He is on the bed, exhausted, and the girl says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again..!!"

And he answers, "HEY..!! It's not life imprisonment..!!"

 

[GalaxyBoy]

In honor of Saint Patrick's Day:

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish Whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the Priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The Priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

 

[Nodak]

spring is coming

 

[ls99]

From AvWeb

Heard on the tower frequency at an airport that will remain undisclosed to protect the innocent:

Cessna 12345:
"Tower can you have regional jet ABC meet us on Unicom freqency for a personal message?"

Jet ABC:
"Tower, tell the Cessna we are a professional crew on a schedule and we don't have time for idle chit chat."

Cessna 12345:
"O.K. Tower, you may want to tell that professional crew they left the landing-gear lock pin in the nose gear. Have a nice day!"


Larry Cosby
via e-mail

 

[Nodak]

Spring is here

 

[frayne]

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "

 

[TOOLMAN]

I happen to know two multimillionaires who are both elderly now, and this group might like a funny story from each, so here goes....

MB#1 When someone asks him for his business card he asks " if I don't give you my card, will you forget me?

MB#2. Every year he attends an annual reunion of childhood friends that are now in their late 80's & 90's . He said for years the reunion had fewer and fewer attendees, but recently the number has been growing. I ask him how that could be and he said; I count the nurses who push the wheel chairs too.

 

[travelover]

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "

Nugent also said that if Obama was reelected he would be in jail or dead. I'd be happy with either outcome, but he seems not to be man of his word.

Ted Nugent Declares 'I Will Either Be Dead or in Jail' if Obama Is Re-elected - Speakeasy - WSJ