It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ex-Jarhead walks into a bar, sits down and places a bag of wheat bread on the stool next to him.

"Got any specials today?" he asks the bartender.

The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."

Jarhead asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"

The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Next time you think its a good idea to go back to work, remember this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in
Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I
could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're thinking a job would be a good idea, imagine spending a few hours a day with a jellyfish shoved up your butt...
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Southern Republican... no doubt. Great joke!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead and his three buddies were golfing early one morning, having a great time and discussing the virtues of wheat bread.

Two ladies were playing behind them when one of the ladies in the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward Jarhead and friends.

The ball struck Jarhead, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to him and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," Jarhead replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which Jarhead replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo! said:
Jarhead and his three buddies were golfing early one morning, having a great time and discussing the virtues of wheat bread.

Two ladies were playing behind them when one of the ladies in the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward Jarhead and friends.

The ball struck Jarhead, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to him and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," Jarhead replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which Jarhead replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Click to expand...

:D :D :D :D

ReWahoo: Of course, that could never happen to this Jarhead.
Tuesday is "ladies day". (Don't play on Tuesday) ;)
We figure that one day a week for the "ladies",
is more than enough time away from their primary job of making life more pleasant for their husbands.
In addition to baking, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, cutting back brush, etc. etc.
there are occasional big maintenance jobs, (My wife has been installing a new roof for the last 2 weeks).
Not being able to play on Tuesdays is actually a PIA, but you do what you gotta do, and "suck it up". :D
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: No Nativity Scene

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

When ex-Jarhead was a young lad and had no need for wheat bread, his new girlfriend asked him to come over that night and have dinner with her parents. She hinted that when they went out after dinner, Jarhead might "get lucky".

Jarhead was ecstatic, but had never had sex before. He knew he needed to be prepared, so off he went to the drug store to get some condoms.

In those days condoms weren't out on a display rack, they were only available by asking the pharmacist. Although Jarhead was a little apprehensive about it, he worked up the nerve to tell the pharmacist he wanted to buy some condoms. The pharmacist was a nice guy and sensitive to Jarhead's discomfort. He not only helped him select what type he needed, but spent some time telling Jarhead all about condoms and even gave him a short tutorial on sex education. Finally, the pharmacist asked Jarhead how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm really hot for this girl," said Jarhead. "I intend to go for hours and hours."

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggested the family pack.

That night Jarhead showed up at the girls house where she took him to the dining room and introduced him to her mom and dad. They sat down at the table and Jarhead was asked to say grace. All bowed their heads in prayer.

A minute passed, and Jarhead was deep in prayer with his head down. Two minutes passed and still no movement from Jarhead. Finally, after three long minutes with his head down, his girlfriend leaned over and whispered to Jarehad, "I had no idea you were this religious. "

Jarhead turned, and whispered back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"
 

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo,

That was funny, your a nut with this stuff.

JOE
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are sitting down for lunch one afternoon.

The redhead says to the others, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room! I can't believe she's a smoker!.

The brunette says "That's nothing. The other day I found beer in my daughter's room. I can't believe she's a drinker!.

The blonde looks at the other two and says, "Well you two are lucky. Just yesterday I found condoms in my daughter's room. I had no idea she had a penis!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead sits alone in a bar, a bag of wheat bread at his feet. A man stumbles up to the bar and sits on the barstool next to him. Being sociable, Jarhead asks the man if he can buy him a drink.

"Why of course," replied the man.

Jarhead then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from California," replies the man.

Jarhead responds: "You don't say. I'm from California too! Let's have another round to the Golden State."

"Of Course," replies the man.

Curious, Jarhead then asks: "Where in California are you from?"

"Redding," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says Jarhead. "I'm from Redding too! Let's have another drink to Redding."

"Of course," replies the man.

Curiosity again strikes and Jarhead asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the man. "I graduated in '55."

"This is unbelievable!" Jarhead shouts. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '55, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," the bartender replies. "The Jarhead twins are drunk again."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

TromboneAl said:
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
Click to expand...

it helps to have a sophisticated phrasebook. :D
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

BEWARE: NEARLY CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE.


This piece was originally recorded and shown on the BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many
takes).
The irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery
must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...
In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker RIP.


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets
to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass
glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown
cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without
success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny.


Cheers

Honkie
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I heard a similar one done on Hee Haw, of all places. It was the Cinderfella Story too but done with different Spoonerisms. It was great. I worked at a country gas station as a youth and was the most sofisticated person there. I had never been to the city but read the newspaper. The other people at the gas station at the time didn't appreciate the humor and thought it was stupid.

Mike D.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I know this is a little late but .....

Top ten things that sound dirty at thanksgiving but aren't...
10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Outtahere said:
I know this is a little late but .....

Top ten things that sound dirty at thanksgiving but aren't...
10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
Click to expand...

You forgot my favorite, "I can hardly wait! How about a drink first?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

For ouir many technical friends and all others with similar interests
nwsteve


Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I didn't really want to know how to make eggnog, did I?
 

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
 
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