It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New Scientist)
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my adviser a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New Scientist)
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my adviser a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
What is the difference between a war story and a fairy tale?
One begins~"Once upon a time..." and the other begins "This ain't no Bull s**t..."
One begins~"Once upon a time..." and the other begins "This ain't no Bull s**t..."
"Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns".
Dear John:
Hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband home watching TV. My car stalled, and then brokie down completely about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in bed with our neighbor's daughter. I confronted them, my husband broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for six months. He refuses to go to counseling. I am broken hearted and a mental wreck. Can you please help me?
Mary
Dear Mary:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start be checking for debris in the fuel line. If clear check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold. Also check all ground wires. If these checks don't solve your problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is defective causing low pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
John
Dear John:
Hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband home watching TV. My car stalled, and then brokie down completely about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in bed with our neighbor's daughter. I confronted them, my husband broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for six months. He refuses to go to counseling. I am broken hearted and a mental wreck. Can you please help me?
Mary
Dear Mary:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start be checking for debris in the fuel line. If clear check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold. Also check all ground wires. If these checks don't solve your problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is defective causing low pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
John
M Paquette
Moderator Emeritus
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out riding in a car, when they are pulled over by a police officer.
Heisenberg is in the driver's seat. The officer asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "You were going exactly 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, damnit!"
(If you MUST know... http://www.aip.org/history/heisenberg/p08.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrödinger's_cat )
Heisenberg is in the driver's seat. The officer asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "You were going exactly 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, damnit!"
(If you MUST know... http://www.aip.org/history/heisenberg/p08.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrödinger's_cat )
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sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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Truly Foul!!!
Just a WAG, but I'm guessing you didn't study liberal arts...
100% of men will not see king kong in the pictureWell, at least I didn't
That 100% seems kind of low.
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- May 14, 2011
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[FONT="]A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why in the world did you bring him home?[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="] "Because he's thinking of getting married...."[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[FONT="] "Because he's thinking of getting married...."[/FONT]
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Very clever and creative photoshopping...
Celebrity Make Unders – What Would Celebrities Look Like If They Were Everyday People? (16 Pics) | Loffee
Celebrity Make Unders – What Would Celebrities Look Like If They Were Everyday People? (16 Pics) | Loffee
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Brings back a memory. Before we moved to Florida I flew down with DD #2, to look at a University. Some new additions to the extended family recommended a club for after dinner entertainment. Words used were "great bar", "rocking music", "dance floor" and "lots of singles" and so on. We went after dinner. Inside was dark, with neon lights, and carpet on the floor straight out of the 50's. First thing we saw - 3 walkers lined up next to a long hand rail. And they were playing Tony Bennett on a radio. We were easily less than 1/2 the average age there. The "singles' comment was the only one that was legit. We didn't stay.
I bet your photo caption is true
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UserRequested
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I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Ace,
"That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb s%$t."
"That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb s%$t."
UserRequested
Recycles dryer sheets
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- 329
I know a lot of you guys love shots of airplanes.
Thanks, that was a beautiful sight! It moved me deeply!
For all you military plane lovers out there, here's an
amazing shot of a C-17 on final approach.
http://www.c141heaven.info/dotcom/globemaster.php
Thanks, that was a beautiful sight! It moved me deeply!
For all you military plane lovers out there, here's an
amazing shot of a C-17 on final approach.
http://www.c141heaven.info/dotcom/globemaster.php
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I did see a full moon and a whale tail but no plane, what's with that ?
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Yeah, I didn't see any airplanes either.
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "Is there more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "Is there more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
Banjo player jokes:
A banjo player calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. "Oh, that won't work," replies the banjo player. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
----
A banjo player went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
The banjo player was very angry about this. She hurried home and dropped off her banjo, picked up her guitar case, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
The banjo player didn't know how the salesman had recognized her but she was determined. She put on a business suit, got a nice Gucci briefcase, got a new hair do and new "smart looking glasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a banjo player?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
---
A banjo player suspects her lover of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a bassist. The banjo player is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She turns the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The banjo player replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."
----
A young guitar player goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a guitar player, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a banjo player."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
A banjo player calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. "Oh, that won't work," replies the banjo player. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
----
A banjo player went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
The banjo player was very angry about this. She hurried home and dropped off her banjo, picked up her guitar case, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
The banjo player didn't know how the salesman had recognized her but she was determined. She put on a business suit, got a nice Gucci briefcase, got a new hair do and new "smart looking glasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a banjo player?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
---
A banjo player suspects her lover of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a bassist. The banjo player is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She turns the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The banjo player replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."
----
A young guitar player goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a guitar player, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a banjo player."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."
The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"
The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"
The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"
Wild-eyed, the boy responds,
" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."
The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"
The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"
The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"
Wild-eyed, the boy responds,
" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
keegs
Recycles dryer sheets
A COUPLE OF GOOD ONES Good ones.........
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