ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,506
The US Senate is a cost effective and highly efficient branch of the government.
I just made that up.
I just made that up.
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
- Start date
- Status
M Paquette
Moderator Emeritus
How to end the government shutdown?
I think if you hold down Texas and Maine at the same time it automatically reboots!
- Stephen Colbert
I think if you hold down Texas and Maine at the same time it automatically reboots!
- Stephen Colbert
rockymountainhigh
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2011
- Messages
- 60
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this Jimmy Kimmel video concerning ObamaCare or is it ACA? 
Six Of One - Obamacare Vs. The Affordable Care Act Jimmy Kimmel Live Video Clips - ABC.com
Six Of One - Obamacare Vs. The Affordable Care Act Jimmy Kimmel Live Video Clips - ABC.com
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NmkxbrKp5...w/XF2yD5Bsons/s1600/planetoftheapesending.jpgThe savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.
"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."
Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.
With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.
The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.
And there was worse to come.
The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6J7iBA6G8...00/6_yr_old_marquessa_takes_out_bin_laden.jpgAn army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.
In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder's private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.
In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.
In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.
In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NDAn8wpipxw/UkpYtR_no6I/AAAAAAAAMhA/jYaeJEHhWwY/s1600/viking+fan.jpgThe only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.
As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.
1434
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NmkxbrKp5...w/XF2yD5Bsons/s1600/planetoftheapesending.jpgThe savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.
"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."
Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.
With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.
The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.
And there was worse to come.
The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6J7iBA6G8...00/6_yr_old_marquessa_takes_out_bin_laden.jpgAn army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.
In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder's private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.
In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.
In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.
In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NDAn8wpipxw/UkpYtR_no6I/AAAAAAAAMhA/jYaeJEHhWwY/s1600/viking+fan.jpgThe only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.
As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.
1434
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session and decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside," he told the court, "and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?," he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence: "I had said, "excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"."
"He froze, and he was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, "a pumpkin? ****! Is it midnight already?"."
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "best come-back line ever."
++++
OK, so it never really happened. But, it's still a funny story (or, so I think).
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session and decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside," he told the court, "and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?," he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence: "I had said, "excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"."
"He froze, and he was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, "a pumpkin? ****! Is it midnight already?"."
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "best come-back line ever."
++++
OK, so it never really happened. But, it's still a funny story (or, so I think).
An Irishman & A Mercedes
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those? asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those? asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
MORRIS's final wishes on his deathbed...
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
What do West Virginians do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
Pump kin.
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
See below and ask, why the eye chart ?
Last edited:
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.............................................. 8 Calories
With one hand................................................12 Calories
With your teeth............................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection...............................................6 Calories
Without an erection..................................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.......................................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.................................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier.......................................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real................................................................112 Calories
Fake.............................................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.......................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
18-29 years......................................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................................80 Calories
40-49 years...................................................124 Calories
50-59 years................................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years................................................7,916 Calories
70 and over...................................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..............................................................32 Calories
In a hurry..........................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.......5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door....8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.............................................. 8 Calories
With one hand................................................12 Calories
With your teeth............................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection...............................................6 Calories
Without an erection..................................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.......................................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.................................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier.......................................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real................................................................112 Calories
Fake.............................................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.......................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
18-29 years......................................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................................80 Calories
40-49 years...................................................124 Calories
50-59 years................................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years................................................7,916 Calories
70 and over...................................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..............................................................32 Calories
In a hurry..........................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.......5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door....8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Remember : Cold season is starting and cows seek heat on car hoods. do not forget to tap on the hood to give the cow enough time to get off before you drive away!
Love it - bitching about cat prints on your car? pfft! Looks like an Ada the Ayrshire move (Helga the Holstein?).
Never again will I bitch about cat prints on the car!
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Amazon.com: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag: Grocery & Gourmet Food
Reading the reviews it's unclear if this belongs here or in the health forum in the colonoscopy prep threads.
Reading the reviews it's unclear if this belongs here or in the health forum in the colonoscopy prep threads.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
About 8 years ago I got the news that I was diabetic. Keeping in mind that this was before I took any classes or did any research on the disease, the first thing I did was buy a big bag of sugar free gummis. I ate a fairly big handful, and that night I was in severe GI pain, and DW (not so D at the time) was laughing at me, but still wouldn't let me sleep in the bedroom that night. So I vote for the colonoscopy thread.
M Paquette
Moderator Emeritus
LOL!
Sugar alcohols used to sweeten many sugar-free candies are funny things. They aren't easily digested or passed through the intestinal lining, so they sort of pass on through. Sort of, because many folks have gut bacteria that like sugar alcohols. A lot... The gut bacteria have a little party (SIBO, or small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), and produce that wonderful end-product of gut bacteria, gas. Mostly methane, but with some wonderfully aromatic ketones, aldehydes, and other organic olfactory treats.
That's what pressure-washes your gut, and leads to your exile to the far end of the house.
Sugar alcohols used to sweeten many sugar-free candies are funny things. They aren't easily digested or passed through the intestinal lining, so they sort of pass on through. Sort of, because many folks have gut bacteria that like sugar alcohols. A lot... The gut bacteria have a little party (SIBO, or small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), and produce that wonderful end-product of gut bacteria, gas. Mostly methane, but with some wonderfully aromatic ketones, aldehydes, and other organic olfactory treats.
That's what pressure-washes your gut, and leads to your exile to the far end of the house.
DJIA Beats National Debt
Between March 6, 2009 and Nov 15, 2013
The Dow Jones Indistrial Average has increased 240%
The National Debt has only increased 157%
Does that mean the DJIA is overbought?
OR
That we just haven't borrowed enough?
Between March 6, 2009 and Nov 15, 2013
The Dow Jones Indistrial Average has increased 240%
The National Debt has only increased 157%
Does that mean the DJIA is overbought?
OR
That we just haven't borrowed enough?
David1961
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2007
- Messages
- 1,085
A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 dollars"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 bucks"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over $200 in cash, before walking off whistling.
Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.
"Oh good - did he give you that $200 he owes me?"
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 dollars"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 bucks"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over $200 in cash, before walking off whistling.
Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.
"Oh good - did he give you that $200 he owes me?"
Sweetlip
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2002
- Messages
- 70
Beer trade
An Australian sort of joke ....
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of my favourite "VIC BITTER" beer cheap at the local bottle shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
...I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
An Australian sort of joke ....
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of my favourite "VIC BITTER" beer cheap at the local bottle shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
...I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
Tax assessments always seem to go up.
- Status
