Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- May 14, 2011
- Messages
- 8,368
Did someone say "Ryanair"?
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
- Start date
- Status
Winemaker
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Two snowmen in my front yard; I overheard one say to the other," Hey, do you smell carrots?"
Two fish swimming in a big lake hit a cement wall real hard. "Dam" the one says to the other.
Courtesy of Bobby the sausagemaker.
Two fish swimming in a big lake hit a cement wall real hard. "Dam" the one says to the other.
Courtesy of Bobby the sausagemaker.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.
A: The lottery.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
What's the difference between a person trying to lose weight and a virgin?
One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it.
One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it.
timo2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
[FONT="]Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking." The officer walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Then what are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."[/FONT]
An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go elk hunting. Shortly into the trip they spot an elk. The engineer took aim and fired his rifle but his shot missed by ten feet to the left. The physicist took the next opportunity but missed by ten feet to the right...and the statistician immediately exclaimed "WE GOT HIM!"
timo2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
In addition to the above.....
Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Mon, Feb 23
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sun, Feb 22
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sat, Feb 21
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Fri, Feb 20
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Thu, Feb 19
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Wed, Feb 18
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Tue, Feb 17
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Mon, Feb 16
<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sun, Feb 15
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
There has been so much snow in Mass. this year that Sen. Elizabeth Warren now thinks that she is related to Eskimos.
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,508
When she figures out she's full of it, she will assert her kinship to bulls.
I enjoy singing in the shower, but at times I get shampoo in my mouth and it just becomes a soap opera.
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,508
Ah champagne music. Lawrwce Welk resurrected.
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
Engineer vs Doctor
Engineer Vs Doctor
An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.
A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.
Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.
Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.
Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".
Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50
Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.
Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.
Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.
Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.
Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50
Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.
Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.
Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100
Doctor : But This Is $50 Note
Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will Be $50
Engineer Vs Doctor
An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.
A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.
Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.
Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.
Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".
Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50
Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.
Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.
Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.
Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.
Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50
Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.
Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.
Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100
Doctor : But This Is $50 Note
Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will Be $50
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active
I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active
The Mother Of A 17-Year-Old Girl Was Concerned That Her Daughter Was Having Sex.
Worried The Girl Might Become Pregnant She Consulted The Family Doctor.
The Doctor Told Her That Teenagers Today Were Very Wilful And Any Attempt To Stop The Girl Would Probably Result In Rebellion. He Then Told Her To Arrange For Her Daughter To Be Put On Birth Control And Until Then, Talk To Her And Give Her A Box Of Condoms.
Later That Evening, As Her Daughter Was Preparing For A Date, The Woman Brought Up Her Concerns And Handed Her A Box Of Condoms.
The Girl Burst Out Laughing And Reached Over To Hug Her Mother, Saying,
'Oh Mom! You Don't Have To Worry About That! I'm Dating Susan!'
I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active
The Mother Of A 17-Year-Old Girl Was Concerned That Her Daughter Was Having Sex.
Worried The Girl Might Become Pregnant She Consulted The Family Doctor.
The Doctor Told Her That Teenagers Today Were Very Wilful And Any Attempt To Stop The Girl Would Probably Result In Rebellion. He Then Told Her To Arrange For Her Daughter To Be Put On Birth Control And Until Then, Talk To Her And Give Her A Box Of Condoms.
Later That Evening, As Her Daughter Was Preparing For A Date, The Woman Brought Up Her Concerns And Handed Her A Box Of Condoms.
The Girl Burst Out Laughing And Reached Over To Hug Her Mother, Saying,
'Oh Mom! You Don't Have To Worry About That! I'm Dating Susan!'
No sex tonight!
I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What's that*about?!"
*
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
*
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
*
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
*
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
*
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
*
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…
I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What's that*about?!"
*
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
*
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
*
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
*
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
*
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
*
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,508
How well equipped is your doghouse?
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
Sarah in SC
Moderator Emeritus
Harley for the WIN! That one is awesome!
aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
Well, I finally got my Concealed Weapons Permit Yesterday, and went
over to Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
over to Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
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