It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body.
I met her on Match.com
My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I met her on Match.com
My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Things Learned The Hard Way
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 14, 2011
- Messages
- 8,368
Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a
day?"
"Aw, ****!" says his friend, "and I
just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a
day?"
"Aw, ****!" says his friend, "and I
just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
MRG
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2013
- Messages
- 11,078
Hiding in plain sight.
Love him.
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using Early Retirement Forum mobile app
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Three rabbis were talking about life and death when the question came up: "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
The first rabbi said: "I would like them to say
I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
The second commented: "I would like them to say
I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
The third rabbi thought for a moment and remarked:
"I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
The first rabbi said: "I would like them to say
I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
The second commented: "I would like them to say
I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
The third rabbi thought for a moment and remarked:
"I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Bathing a Cat
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lid and seat lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both seat and lid. (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both seat and lid.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Chuckanut
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Here's an alternative to the current candidates for President:
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Philliefan33
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 1,677
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Three spies are captured by a terrorist group: French, German and an Italian.
The captors first take the French spy for interrogation. They tie his hands behind a chair and torture him for two hours before he spills the beans. The captors throw him back into the cell and drag the German in for their interrogation. Like before, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. The German resists for four hours before giving in. The captors throw him back into the cell and then drag the Italian. They again tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. Four hours pass by, then eight, then sixteen and even twenty four hours later, the interrogators had not gotten a word out of the Italian. Frustrated, they throw him back into the cell.
Impressed by the Italian’s resistance, the other two spies ask him, “How did you manage to keep quiet for so long?” The Italian responds, “Oh, I wanted to talk. But I just could not move my hands.”
The captors first take the French spy for interrogation. They tie his hands behind a chair and torture him for two hours before he spills the beans. The captors throw him back into the cell and drag the German in for their interrogation. Like before, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. The German resists for four hours before giving in. The captors throw him back into the cell and then drag the Italian. They again tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. Four hours pass by, then eight, then sixteen and even twenty four hours later, the interrogators had not gotten a word out of the Italian. Frustrated, they throw him back into the cell.
Impressed by the Italian’s resistance, the other two spies ask him, “How did you manage to keep quiet for so long?” The Italian responds, “Oh, I wanted to talk. But I just could not move my hands.”
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A woman awakens in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night!?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 20 and you were only 18," he said.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words coming out in a rush. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today.
"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night!?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 20 and you were only 18," he said.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words coming out in a rush. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Wife texts her husband on a very cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
Technical advances
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2010
- Messages
- 7,955
OK Harley and imoldernu, my husband and dog are both wondering why I'm cracking up at the computer. Good ones!
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 14, 2011
- Messages
- 8,368
Via the internet:
MEN IN HEAVEN
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
MEN IN HEAVEN
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Bob feared his wife Maryanne wasn't hearing as well as she used to and
he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a
normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He says to himself,
'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone
he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So Bob moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
‘Maryanne, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Maryanne,
what's for dinner?'
Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a
normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He says to himself,
'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone
he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So Bob moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
‘Maryanne, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Maryanne,
what's for dinner?'
Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Winemaker
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191#, but that's a different story. While in the checkout line, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have nothing better to do, on impulse I told her no, that I didn't have a dog, and I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I shouldn't, although I lost 50# the last time, I ended up in the hospital in intensive care with all kinds of tubes coming out of orifices an IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was a great diet, and the way it works was for you to load your pockets up with the dog chow nuggets and pop one or two in your mouth every time you get hungry. ( At this time everyone within earshot is now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stopped to pee at a fire hydrant and got hit by a bus. I thought the guy behind her was going to pee his pants, he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop their because of the ruckus I caused, so better watch what you ask those retired people who have nothing better to do, and think up all kinds of crazy things to say. Feel free to forward...
Courtesy of retired BIL.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191#, but that's a different story. While in the checkout line, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have nothing better to do, on impulse I told her no, that I didn't have a dog, and I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I shouldn't, although I lost 50# the last time, I ended up in the hospital in intensive care with all kinds of tubes coming out of orifices an IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was a great diet, and the way it works was for you to load your pockets up with the dog chow nuggets and pop one or two in your mouth every time you get hungry. ( At this time everyone within earshot is now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stopped to pee at a fire hydrant and got hit by a bus. I thought the guy behind her was going to pee his pants, he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop their because of the ruckus I caused, so better watch what you ask those retired people who have nothing better to do, and think up all kinds of crazy things to say. Feel free to forward...
Courtesy of retired BIL.
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
Hiding in plain sight.
Poor thing has very loose skin. Needs some "nip and tuck" operations.
hakuna matata
Recycles dryer sheets
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"
- Status
