It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[hakuna matata]

A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says, "uno, dos...' *poof*...
...
He disappeared without a tres.

 

[Nemo2]

Received via e-mail:

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out"..?

The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming..

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... Your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider, just so I can finally hear a woman say “ Oh my God, it's huge!"

 

[Nodak]

Just ran across this; it's remarkably true.

20 Things You'll Know if You've Ever Lived Near the Canadian Border | Odyssey

 

[Tailgate]

gotta love this duck

 

[Alan]

View attachment 23458

Love it.

Scottish yoga

 

[frayne]

Moses came down the mountain carrying three tablets with God's commandments written on them. The crowd waiting for him cried out, "Moses, there are way too many commandments to follow — go right back up there and negotiate with him." So Moses goes back up the mountain and in while he comes back with just two tablets. He faces the crowd and says, "I have good news and bad news.


The good news is I got him down to just ten, the bad new is adultery is still in."

 

[HFWR]

Moses came down the mountain carrying three tablets with God's commandments written on them. The crowd waiting for him cried out, "Moses, there are way too many commandments to follow — go right back up there and negotiate with him." So Moses goes back up the mountain and in while he comes back with just two tablets. He faces the crowd and says, "I have good news and bad news.


The good news is I got him down to just ten, the bad new is adultery is still in."

 

[Nemo2]

Online acronyms:

Q: "What does IDK mean?"

A: "I don't know."


OP: "Aaargh - nobody knows!"

 

[Tailgate]

and that's my final decision....

 

[calmloki]

Online acronyms:

Q: "What does IDK mean?"

A: "I don't know."

OP: "Aaargh - nobody knows!"

Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on them?

That's a cross.

Ok, but across from what?

 

[Grabberson]

Initially there was quite a controversy about what to call the fish. Before they settled on "blobfish" they also considered teenager fish and husband fish. [emoji12]

So the name Fishy McFishface was rejected?

 

[Walt34]

Retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, “Joel, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.” The guy gives it a moment's thought and says, “Sure, why not. Show me to the vacuum. Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it?” Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one." "Really,” she says, “Show me, it worked fine the last time.” So he did!
https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4 [FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Whisper66]

Its funny joke Thursday!

My vacuum is doing the same thing! I plan to clean out the carburetor tomorrow.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Souschef]

Vacuum

+1000!!!!! I cracked up

 

[NW-Bound]

A miser was on his deathbed. His family gathered around him.

He opened his blurry eyes and asked "Where's my wife?"

His wife answered "I am here, honey".

The miser: "How about the kids?"

His wife said "Yes, they are here. We are all with you".

The miser: "Then, how the hell the light is left on in the living room?"

 

[frayne]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are captured by ISIS. The appointed Jihadi executioner approaches them and says " I''m not a barbarian, so before I kill you, it it is at all possible to grant a final request, I will do so"

He then says to the Irishman, "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Irishman says " I would like to hear a massed Irish choir sing the beautiful ballad 'Danny Boy"

"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Scotsman "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Scotsman says "I would like to hear the pipers of the Scots Guards play the beautiful tune 'Rose of Scotland"

"Ok" says the Jihadi, and then to the Englishman "do you have a final request?"

"Yes" The Englishman says "kill me first".

 

[Nodak]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is 90% mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves how much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

[jIMOh]

https://www.facebook.com/failarmy/videos/994067970690365/

https://www.facebook.com/failarmy/videos/994067970690365/



Employees of the month

[mod note - link to collection of videos of epic workplace fails]

 

[NW-Bound]

Let me fix some of the above quotes.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"So, if you avoid getting killed, it's not really a bad place to live".

"Half this game is 90% mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"So, the game is 1/2 * 90% = 45% mental. Call it 50% if you want to round it off, but I want to be more precise".

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle

"... and wished I were over there".

 

[NW-Bound]

Speaking of boo-boos committed in public, I recall noticing 3 incidences while watching TV.

One was about a chef on Food TV who was traveling to the east coast. She ordered some blue crabs, then did not know how to open them up. She fumbled and said "I don't know how to eat crabs. I am from California". We all know that California has no crab.

The 2nd one also involves a celebrity TV chef, and the show is about him going around the country challenging other chefs in their specialties. In an episode that had rice cooking, he just poured some water in with the rice without measuring. His assistant asked how much water that was. His reply: "I don't know. Don't confuse me".

The 3rd one involves a popular TV anchor. She was reporting about a windstorm at an airport that almost caused a crash. She said that eyewitnesses reported that the trees were blown to almost "perpendicular to the ground".

 

[IBWino]

This is funny...a dog with a gun.

https://youtu.be/_FYEyUPOi3w

 

[Idnar7]

On a local news broadcast: "The victim suffered a knife stab to his hand. It is not thought to be life threatening". Duh

 

[braumeister]

Many years ago during my golfing days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Jack, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Bourbon on the rocks, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.

 

[ERD50]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius. ....

I'm not going to re-quote, because you've hit on one of my hot buttons.

I checked a few of those, and every one I checked was false - the person "quoted" did not say that. FYI, I checked the Dan Quayle, Mariah Carey, and the "pollution" quote, which is actually attributed to John Kerry in other "misquotes". I stopped there, now I'm curious if ANY are true?

Sorry, maybe I'm being too serious for a joke thread, but I don't think it's funny to "quote" someone saying something stupid or mean, when they did not say that. For me, it ceases being a joke when a persons real name is used, and it is made to appear as true. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Funny?

Do unto others, and all.

"If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius".

Ironic, no? The smart thing to do would be to verify those quotes before posting. Sorry.

-ERD50

 

[travelover]

I'm not going to re-quote, because you've hit on one of my hot buttons.



I checked a few of those, and every one I checked was false - the person "quoted" did not say that. FYI, I checked the Dan Quayle, Mariah Carey, and the "pollution" quote, which is actually attributed to John Kerry in other "misquotes". I stopped there, now I'm curious if ANY are true?



Sorry, maybe I'm being too serious for a joke thread, but I don't think it's funny to "quote" someone saying something stupid or mean, when they did not say that. For me, it ceases being a joke when a persons real name is used, and it is made to appear as true. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Funny?



Do unto others, and all.



"If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius".



Ironic, no? The smart thing to do would be to verify those quotes before posting. Sorry.



-ERD50

I agree. Frequently "jokes" here are just political commentary.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum