We see this playing fast and loose with the facts again. Turns out braumeister's name isn't actually Jack, and Elizabeth's breasts are neither firm nor loose. [emoji6]
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It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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We see this playing fast and loose with the facts again. Turns out braumeister's name isn't actually Jack, and Elizabeth's breasts are neither firm nor loose. [emoji6]
Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk
Next thing someone will complain people are posting new jokes everyday and not just on Thursdays.
How about adding a spoonful of mellow to the breakfast cereal, eh?
How about adding a spoonful of mellow to the breakfast cereal, eh?
travelover
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Actually they aren't even always new jokes. Some are three-peats.Next thing someone will complain people are posting new jokes everyday and not just on Thursdays.
How about adding a spoonful of mellow to the breakfast cereal, eh?
And get off my lawn!
Nemo2
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Some of the jokes are so old that the central characters in them weren't even born the first time they were told.
My apologies,I normally do check this stuff for accuracy but this one came from a source I trusted. Never again.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The bad part about recognizing an old joke?
It means you're old!
I was helping my DGD with her 4th grade social studies/VA history homework today and realized I'd met two of the historical figures she was studying.
Meaningful for those over 60
Most of our generation of 60+ years were
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways----
1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.
My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.
My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.
My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13.
My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 .
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19.
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.
My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand
25.
My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only for the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
Most of our generation of 60+ years were
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways----
1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.
My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.
My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.
My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13.
My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 .
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19.
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.
My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand
25.
My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only for the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
ERD50
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Thanks, apology accepted, and one offered in return. In hindsight, I see it would have been better if I had asked you if you realized those were not true, before going off in the way that I did. Sorry for that.
Though I still feel very strongly about the issue - misquoting someone to make them look dumb is just not ethical behavior. And I think we have a responsibility to check the facts before repeating something like that (generally pretty easy on the internet today). Now, if a public figure does say something dumb (and there are enough examples of that to fill a book, we don't have to make them up!), that's fair game.
And not to make excuses, but I've had a very bad few weeks, and it was topped off with some behind-my-back attacks, based on things I did not say - so while this post would have bothered me anyway, the timing made it hit very close to home. I can stand up to critique of anything I did or said, but false attacks are like a mule kick. I related to those 'jokes'.
I think we both learned something, so maybe there's a bright side?
Enough. How about a joke? Along the lines of famous people saying stupid/funny things, Chicago's Mayor Daley (the first), was famous for mangling the English language. One of my favorites, from the time of the 1968 Democratic convention demonstrations, was 'Da Mayor' defending police actions to control the demonstrators (the Chicago Police motto is "To Protect and Serve"):
In a news conference, Mayor Daley said: "Gentlemen, let's get this thing straight, once and for all. The policeman is not here to create disorder. The policeman is here to preserve disorder.".
Now, he obviously meant to say "preserve order", it's the kind of slip of the tongue that anyone could make, but in the context of the situation, the irony is pretty funny (though a very serious topic).
And I know he said it, I heard it on the news at the time, and repeated years later.
-ERD50
frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Copy and paste job from another forum, should be good for a chuckle and may actually happen to one of us, someday.
This is not a joke, just something that that happened at an assisted living center that my wife used to work at. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
This is not a joke, just something that that happened at an assisted living center that my wife used to work at. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
TromboneAl
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The word they wanted was "tong."
TromboneAl
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Supposed to be "the pen is" (sign in Sweden):
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Two good ones, Al! And DH just cracked up when I told him the boxer short story, frayne.
jjquantz
Full time employment: Posting here.
Reminds me of the time I stopped into a McDonald's and the coffee stirrers were labeled, "Styx". I know the coffee is bad, but really?
TromboneAl
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I hate it when that happens.
Last edited:
OK, now there's no need for you to post another apology. But, I'm wondering: did this come from the same trusted source as before or did it come from a different trusted source?
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
.........
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
...........
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
...........
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
..............
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
...................
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
..................
.........
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
...........
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
...........
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
..............
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
...................
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
..................
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
This belongs in the "Why we get fat" thread.
eytonxav
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Huston55
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
ERD50
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
OK, now there's no need for you to post another apology. But, I'm wondering: did this come from the same trusted source as before or did it come from a different trusted source?
But it does seem someone should stick up for the baboons!
-ERD50
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