It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Souschef]

Just happened to look up something on Gary Larson, author of The Far Side. I enjoyed his cartoons for years.

https://www.bing.com/images/search?...IDMH&pq=gary larson cartoons&sc=8-20&sp=1&sk=

Someone did that to me once. I was running a test on a big piece of equipment, running the voltage up to 50,000 volts. Someone snuck up behind me and dropped a big empty can!

 

[Sunset]

I didn't know people don't eat artichokes outside of California.

I thought "art i choke" was an expression of what men did when glamorous movie stars walked by.

 

[street]

Secret to a long Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."

 

[ls99]

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

With the advance of robotics, anything is possible.

 

[Tetto]

A beautiful young woman, marries a 85 year old, very rich old man. Her plan is to give him a heart attack on their wedding night by using her "assets"...on the fateful night, she lays on the bed waiting for her new hubby, giggling to herself in anticipation of all that money....the old man walks out of the bathroom wearing nose plugs, ear plugs, and sporting a foot of condom covered destruction. She gasps at the sight and asks why he's wearing the getup; he replies- "there's two things I never could stand, the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a woman screaming..."����

 

[MRG]

A beautiful young blond woman, marries a 85 year old, very rich old man. Her plan is to give him a heart attack on their wedding night by using her "assets"...on the fateful night, she lays on the bed waiting for her new hubby, giggling to herself in anticipation of all that money....the old man walks out of the bathroom wearing nose plugs, ear plugs, and sporting a foot of condom covered destruction. She gasps at the sight and asks why he's wearing the getup; he replies- "there's two things I never could stand, the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a woman screaming..."

We don't tell blond jokes.

 

[Grabberson]

An Irishman is visiting America for the first time. He stops into a bar and spies a sign saying "Two Drink Minimum". He freezes and his face goes pale. The bartender sees this, nods toward the sign and asks "Is that going to be a problem?". "Of course not", the Irishman replies, "but I'm worried that there's also a maximum".

 

[Huston55]

The blonde jokes are getting a little old.

The doctor jokes are getting a little old too!

Hey, how come there are no Blonde Doctor jokes?!?!

Oh yeah...

 

[street]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

 

[street]

A man is headed into a bar for a beer. He notices an old man sitting on a chair next to the bar fishing in a mud puddle. "Old fool", he thinks to himself. But, after a couple of beers he begins to feel sorry for the old man. He goes out and asks the old man to come into the bar and have a beer with him.

After a few beers, he feels he needs to humor the old man, so he says, "So, how many did you catch today?"

The old man replies, "You're the eighth."

 

[NW-Bound]

Let me try again, this time not making fun of either poor people or rich ones. See if I will offend anyone. I have told this joke before, but not on this thread as I recall.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Smith was a distinguished gentleman in his 70s, a churchgoer, with white hair. One Sunday, his wife told him to go to church alone, as she was under the weather.

He came back from church with a black eye.

Upon seeing him, Mrs. Smith cried out

"Good grief! What did you do? Stopped by a bar on the way home and got yourself in a fight?"​

Mr. Smith explained

"I did nothing such. What happened was that in church, as we stood up to sing hymn, the lady in front of me got her skirt stuck in her cheeks. It looked embarrassing, so I reached up to pull her skirt out. At that point, she felt it, turned around and punched me in the eye".​

Mrs. Smith:

"Served you right. Next time, just let it be."​

Next Sunday, Mrs. Smith still did not feel well, so Mr. Smith went to church alone again. He came back with the other eye blackened.

Mrs. Smith exclaimed

"Good lord! What happened now?"​

Mr. Smith sighed and sat down. He explained

"What do you know, I found myself behind that woman again. And as we stood up to sing, the same thing happened as did last week. The fellow next to me reached up to pull her skirt out. I knew it was not a good thing to do, but could not stop him in time, so I reached up to tuck it back in. At that point, well, you know..."​

 

[sheldon cornped]

A group of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 

[sheldon cornped]

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present."

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "

I am yours for super sex", she answers.

He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."

 

[sheldon cornped]

Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies.

Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything.

But thank God I can still drive

 

[sheldon cornped]

Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?"

Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."

 

[Lawrencewendall]

As I understand it, Tana , blonde jokes are just coming to the Midwest.

\
If the world is to end, I want to be in the mid-west. Everything happens there 2-3 years later than the rest of world.

 

[Nemo2]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple,

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed!

 

[braumeister]

New slogans for United Airlines

We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.


Our prices can’t be beaten...but our passengers can.


We put the hospital in hospitality.


We beat our passengers, not the competition.


We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.


Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.


Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.


And you thought legroom was an issue.


Proudly offering Admiral’s Club, Captain’s Club, and Fight Club.


If our staff need a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.


Good news: We’re serving free meals again. Bad news: It’s a knuckle sandwich.


We treat you like we treat your luggage.


Fight or flight.


You may have patients, but we don’t have patience.


We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.


Now serving free punch.

Clearly, the TSA failed in its mission to prevent people from being attacked on planes.


 

[redduck]

​

 

[street]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like crap!" Then I would say, "It is crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[mickeyd]

Possibly accurate facts

Here are some unusual facts that you can use to prove superiority to your friends. Sure, they may not be accurate facts, but that is often overrated IMHO.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2
teeth every 10 yrs.

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart. This is why people have always said "God bless you" after a sneeze.

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don't ask how.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

Among the music catalog's that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

 

[street]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse , and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

 

[street]

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims ....
'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays.... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?


Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

[REWahoo]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

 

[mickeyd]

Eight Words With Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.